Week 3: Blue Bayou vs Universe (UNI WINS)

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@Blue Bayou @Universe

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: NEXT THURSDAY

GOODLUCK!

[Universe]

Yes lol. I believe this is what's referred to as a "field day"... haha.

Good luck, BB...

Check.

[Blue Bayou]

Best of luck to you yunni

[Universe]

Chapter One – Line in the Sand

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142549


Chapter Two: Before Life

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” ― Mark Twain


......

I hastened my approach, my daydream focused on a raging ocean
The waves were broken up by run down buildings as they eroded
All color drained like portraits, I’m certain my face contorted
Seeing eight legged aliens, but what better place to explore them?
Pages floated in the breeze, I must've misplaced the folder
That held the restraining order of the lady with the baby stroller
I slid up near her, gently placed my hand on her shoulder
She disappeared… her clothes turning to sand on the boulders
I heard her whisper in the wind, it wasn’t something to ignore
I can’t mother you anymore from this cutting room floor (huh?)
I shuddered and moved forward, guess I was seeing red
A traffic light blinked instead, that's a sign to not proceed ahead
I dream of death; My last battle came to a serious head
When my evil intentions lost the race I perilously led
But a scar had embedded where my hand apparently bled
Clearly infected, the aliens hissed like they were scared of regret
(They’re here to protect); What? My hearing is faded at best
So I went to the front of the stroller fearing the baby had left
The child was there in his bed, he looked like a mirror of me, yet…
Resemblance was eerie enough to inspect his weird little neck
(It was severely bent); That's when the aliens wrapped me in a web
I was told life’s created-insects… whatever that meant
You’re a shell of your future self, just some ink with no pen
Only when my water breaks the shore will you be seeing its edge…
I screamed in the net, but until it’s done it’s easier said
I’m just another aborted fetus a mother’s leaving for dead
It's the opposite of the afterlife, I've yet to breathe or digest
But it’s not always this black and white... some people don’t blend
Lethal injection commenced, so while I take this needle-n'-thread…
I wonder how my mother can keep a secret…

… but not keep me to the end.

[Blue Bayou]

this quarantine’s EASY. it’s nothin’ chillin in the house n’ stuff
your girls been asking me to stay inside for yearsss…soon as i’m about to nutt
yeahhh i go crazy in the bedroom cuz my nuts is thicc
you don’t go haywire…its more like haywire you limp & cant fuck the bitch
bro i didn’t request to battle you. chump i been the real heir'
but i’ll definitely be pushing for you next week...i'll feel bad once ur in a wheelchair
pussy i’m an actual millionaire. fly all over from Peru to the Keys
& while my jettison motion i wish Inno passed a rule that banished u from the league
his ex told me they had pool sex. this fools flex REEKED like a dork n’ shit
said the whole time she was in the waterboard & described the sex after as torturous
always callin me out angry talkin bout some lead & a pump..
only thing i gather from that...is all ya body parts 'fore i head to the dump
it’s not that shit never goes his way. i’m not lying guys it’s the truth
his plans backfire its cuz he’s too pussy to look a man in the eye as he shoots
you date a busted old hag. what the fuck you bragging for?!
acting community wasn’t surprised at all when her tits won the SAG award
Blue Bayou the vile king. killin each & every guy u'll bring
brothers daughter shot...even Denise gettin wet up like Wild Things
i roll in DOUGH dawg. board knows my cheese the hardest
you roll indo too...but we all know your weed is garbage
of course i'll win this. you're damn right, man i truly bar..
the wrestle take care of itself knowing that we have this Uni Tard
high maintenance for me means another hot blonde i’m letting ride da knob
high maintenance for Uni means another shitty shift at his hydro job
the bad guy. mad fly - yeah i smash guys
act live i’ll straight up give you the business like your dad died
i thrive when the going gets tough. hands on site i’ll finish a hoe
when push comes to shove, who cares.. Uni ran away minutes ago

[Universe]

LOL!

Brilliant. I'm 2-0 now AND got to enjoy that Uni-Tard line (which was the best flip of my name I've ever seen.)

Cheers, Chad. You ever want to do this for real you know where to find me... :)

[Adverse]

Universe - Liked your premise and the imagery was there as it always is but i feel like your narrative fell a little flat, it just didn't feel as connected as it usually did, it wasn't a terrible story it just seemed choppy and not given the Universe treatment you usually give it? I don't know just my opinion bro, but i liked you linking abortion to a desolate world, sort of like purgatory i suppose? (Which was the theme of my piece this week as well) overall liked the story, and i think if you took it a little more serious I'd be blown away as per usual but again i believe you didn't think you had to be on your A game this week.

Blue - LOL I'm always impressed by your wordplay brother, i was hoping we'd get to see you at least attempt a topical, honestly think you can do it as you're a skilled writer. It's fine though this was entertaining but as for this being a topical league, i don't even feel like feeding this as it had nothing to do with the concept or had any kind of topical nature to it. So yeah

V/Uni

[MMLP]

Uni, I appreciate what you done here, i see it for its design, some lines seemed to drag a little n i guess u sacrificed the flow for content which isnt a crime but on preference stood out to me n made a little harder to get into. Otherwise its decent storytelling. Some ppl may see the link to picture as kinda a push but it's very creative. I've done pieces from the perspective of a puppet, a dog etc... but a fetus lool, its lil (even for me) stretchy but ain't mad at ya. Good read

Blue, dont think ive ever read a topical of yours so no idea what to expect.

Hahaha already I'm getting a battle vibe from it. No fucks given
SAG award killed me, lots of other shit was nice. Few LOLs in there
Battle arena it's a no contest, in the words of vinny mac.. its such good shit

Uni has to win the topical match though

[Answer]

v/ blue

better imagery and emotion, did a better job of sticking to the topic

[Scar]

dead ass i was looking forward to this battle. I think Blue is really good on the topical side too. Seen his stuff from the last season of aowl. but anyway, yeah i am going to award Universe the win here.

universe, i'll be honest, i'm loving this ongoing series you got going. I've been doing the same format at another site so i think its dope that you are using the weekly topic to dictate the direction of your story. I like the somber tone of this verse. The ending was very eerie. The flow was clean as fuck. The cadence was very easy to latch on to. The only issue i had were some of the awkward wording for the sake of rhyming. like "perilously led" that was a strange choice of adverb. Other than that, this was a very dope verse my man.

blue what happened bro lulz. well for what its worth, it showed your penchant for battle. I would like to see some real effort from you because your able to blend flow with poetry pretty seamlessly. maybe it was time or responsibility that prevented a full fledge commitment but i was excited when i saw this matchup.

[Blue Bayou]

Originally Posted by Answer

v/ blue

better imagery and emotion, did a better job of sticking to the topic

FACTS

[Universe]

Also Facts:

Universe 2-0
Blue Bayou 1-1

[Blue Bayou]

Ummm Uni there's still votes to come in

Let's see how they fall first and not get ahead of ourselves

[Diablo]

Universe: I almost have the same issues with your verse as you did with mine this week. Your “daydream focused on a raging ocean,” but where is it? All I see in in the image is a debris-strewn wasteland full of rubble and wreckage. It looks more like I imagine Gaza to look, a war torn village full of crumbling former housing and destruction. I certainly don’t see the waves you adhered to, nor eight legged aliens, and it doesn’t look much of a cutting room floor either if I’m honest. I don’t know where you were going with that. I mean, sure, there’s artistic licence somewhat to allow for creativity like I’ve given you for the paper flying around being a restraining order from a folder - but I think you’re stretching things too far with the alien mention personally. I don’t see that at all. I wasn’t keen on the ending, it lacked some clarity in its resolution as I wasn’t sure whether you were some sort of aborted baby that your mother hasn’t kept - or if you were inferring you’re some sort of alien life form that your parental race had left behind here on Earth - is that correct? I’m honestly not sure. The ending needed defining more as I struggled with that point and no doubt others will also. It felt rushed, as if you were looking to draw things to a close too quickly here, a little underdeveloped perhaps and less as definitive as were used to reading from you. It seemed to me the picture could have been simply about “Stop the war - for the next generations sake,” and a story build from there. It was solid enough, for sure, and it’s a shame the battle didn’t go down as you had imagined because it could have been good had Blue showed up and showed out.

Blue Bayou: Okay, so I’m not going to judge this verse by my usual method I apply for topicals - looking at it purely from an entertainment standpoint after he fired a shot at you the week before, I thought this was a hilarious way of getting back at him knowing it would likely cost you some votes but throwing caution to to the wind regardless. I LOL’d at stay inside, haywire was fresh (to me at least), SAG award was cool, I had to pause on “I smash guys,” to be real but give you the business was hard also. I fucked with that. It could be argued that this had nothing to do with the image supplied, but by that same hand you could also say it had everything to do with it - it’s a battlefield. A war zone. It’s kill or be killed. This is your domain. Your (crumbling) kingdom that’s been under attack and you’re the one to bring an end to it (the stop light) signalling to the trespasser that it’s time to turn around and go home, or enter unknown territory. This isn’t the place to play games. It’s where many have met their demise. Buried beneath the rubble and debris. Reduced to ruin. I can see the analogy if you read between the lines and apply the same artistic licence that is used throughout Universe’s piece. I saw Inno felt you had won this, and after reading through a few times - on a technical level you were both fairly even in regards to schemes and such. The flow in both is solid. I wasn’t such a fan of Universe’s text adlibs (huh?) and I did enjoy both verses on a level but in terms of pure entertainment factor and clarity - I had Blue ahead here. I think Answer and Inno have it right.

Vote - Blue Bayou

[Universe]

3-1 me.. Answers vote shouldn't count, that was a blatant plant vote.

[Blue Bayou]

^Inno i would like Universe DQ'd for the above BLATANT sway please and thank you

[Universe]

Originally Posted by Blue Bayou

^Inno i would like Universe DQ'd for the above BLATANT sway please and thank you

What's wrong with what I posted above? No swaying there at all... Maybe you should've quoted me if you believed there was...

But you didn't. 3-1 me minus the plant vote.

[Blue Bayou]

Well played. You're a sly fox

[~RustyGunZ~]

Universe DQ'd for swaying

Battle closed

Blue Bayou wins

[Universe]

Originally Posted by Da Brayn Lord

Universe DQ'd for swaying

Battle closed

Blue Bayou wins

Objection! Speculation. Lack of evidence. Show me this sway...

Sustained.

Inno, can we get an official ruling on Answer's egregious vote? I'd like it stricken from the record.