XI WK II: Cereal (1-0) vs. Dope girl (0-0) (CEREAL WINS 6-0)

[Frank]

Season 11 XI

VERSES: Sunday, December, 11th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Tuesday, December, 13th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! @Candy @Dope girl

TOPIC:

[Cereal]

the skull capped crossed
..

To dream a dream with rocking robbin
Playing patter cake somberly throbbing
A little blonde knock kneed girl hop scotchen
With a boy pale blue as a lighthouse coughing
As sweet in the air fair black skin springs hot
"all days in the tree tops"
.."my momma said"

One day i will be princess, i prince
I pull up my socks pastel green like my eyes
Rainbow bowties highlight her hair up right
Chewing rope licorice in kiss chasey
We're boy friend girl friend - child space cadets
We eat the same governed cheese coloured orange
Freckles are similar but muster honest

we dream of character and four squares with snakes
time travel with frogs where tadpoles play.. carrot flowers and change
tarrot towers in place, cowards cower for state the lower class powers
shower the pages of chicken pox through hop scotch like ring around the rosie nosey smellng as bad as the desk wood that rots..

we pounce through legs like nba guitar strings
scent from cement to stool with what laugh brings
ankles like marbles carple tunneled
cowboys and indians unlanding mumbles
tin coloured breath slides big as your head
grass soo long it appears through the cement
snow globe children in a jelly bean contest
tangled like free lanterns canceled in their protest

we wonder - talking politics and whats votes
whats in the library, are we all for show
legal by binding unbound unraveled
like scrabble, monopoly shockingly gaveled
by the knees that topple, pop as we both speak
soft lullybyes shy with water taps that peek
like watering holes, the lovelist taste ever
floating like a feather, a quill split before two
a feast for the mind pure air airated like what flew
still free of attachments children floating
soaking in the summer breeze of graphetti groping

we keep pouncing pounding - drowning in each self
off the shelf - shocker exchanging pennies of wealth
pony tailed and braided, embroidered clothes shown
wrestling with interest like most people of our age
face to face, kiss for kiss we jump by the page
alone though surrounded by surroundings thrown
jitters and litter all dreams so bitter they glow
...
we drift through sand snow - always pondering "you never know"

votes:
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.ph...853#post828853
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.ph...854#post828854

[Dope girl]

"Double Dutch"

The girls outside playing Double Dutch,
They start a dance called "Loop".
They Jump through the hoop,
They Jump and do their dance.
So, them other group don't stand a chance,
They jump on beats, They Double Dutch.
They Jump to "Can't be touch."
They show everyone how it done,
They jump and run.
They Jump Double Dutch on the Street,
They move their feet.
They are going hard,
Beef with them, they'll pull cards.
They don't care about competition,
They know they the Champion.
Them team talking smack,
They got each other back.
Mess with team, leave you in Endzone.
The girls jumping in Hot spot,
They Hanging outside, Jumping some hoops.
Everyone watch them Jump some loops.

[Quill]

If I'm being blunt, my head hurts after reading this. Both lacked direction in their narrative, and were hindered by grammatical errors. From a creativity stand point, I'd edge it to Cereal. Just a little more substance, even if it was pretty convoluted. I would also say that Cereal edges this from a mechanics stand point. While both had issues in terms of flow, Cereal definitely had the more intricate scheme work.

Vote - Cereal

[Adverse]

Honestly these are classic verses from both of you, but in this case “classic” isn’t synonymous with “good”

Cereal/Candy had the same vague writing that has hindered him for awhile now. I mean you’re getting creative, you’re painting pictures the imagery is cool but I would be lying if I knew what 97% of it meant. It seems like you’re just going off on a tangent and whatever you deem to sound good, you force in to your pieces, even if it has nothing to do with your story

DG on the other hand is a very simplistic writer, there’s not really any kind of overlying metaphor or bigger narrative, it’s usually a what you see is what you get type piece. It’s really not my type of writing and I don’t think it’s good tbh

V/Cereal

[symetrik]

-- cereal

To dream a dream with rocking robbin
Playing patter cake somberly throbbing
A little blonde knock kneed girl hop scotchen
With a boy pale blue as a lighthouse coughing
As sweet in the air fair black skin springs hot
"all days in the tree tops"
.."my momma said"

let's never use the word "throbbing" when the context is on kids lol
kinda grimey rhymes, which I like, edits eh.

One day i will be princess, i prince
I pull up my socks pastel green like my eyes
Rainbow bowties highlight her hair up right
Chewing rope licorice in kiss chasey
We're boy friend girl friend - child space cadets
We eat the same governed cheese coloured orange
Freckles are similar but muster honest

missed hard on some lines, I feel like there are missing words lol

we dream of character and four squares with snakes
time travel with frogs where tadpoles play.. carrot flowers and change
tarrot towers in place, cowards cower for state the lower class powers
shower the pages of chicken pox through hop scotch like ring around the rosie nosey smellng as bad as the desk wood that rots..

decent flow catching on here then fucked up near the end. this could have been a dope set of lines if you put some more thought into tying it together. "forms where tadpoles play" reminds me of some shit I've done.

we pounce through legs like nba guitar strings
scent from cement to stool with what laugh brings
ankles like marbles carple tunneled
cowboys and indians unlanding mumbles
tin coloured breath slides big as your head
grass soo long it appears through the cement
snow globe children in a jelly bean contest
tangled like free lanterns canceled in their protest

"with what the laugh brings" same. we like grimey rhymes. you'll be cool the more you practice. "grass so long it appears through cement" is the most cohesive line you have so far.

we wonder - talking politics and whats votes
whats in the library, are we all for show
legal by binding unbound unraveled
like scrabble, monopoly shockingly gaveled
by the knees that topple, pop as we both speak
soft lullybyes shy with water taps that peek
like watering holes, the lovelist taste ever
floating like a feather, a quill split before two
a feast for the mind pure air airated like what flew
still free of attachments children floating
soaking in the summer breeze of graphetti groping

decent flow here and there, but I'm not seeing things cohesive and I'm just seeing words used to rhyme. well, not quite - the main thing I'm seeing is you're writing things together and YOU see how they're tied cuz you've done the tying in your head, but you're not showing us that shit. show us that shit.

we keep pouncing pounding - drowning in each self
off the shelf - shocker exchanging pennies of wealth
pony tailed and braided, embroidered clothes shown
wrestling with interest like most people of our age
face to face, kiss for kiss we jump by the page
alone though surrounded by surroundings thrown
jitters and litter all dreams so bitter they glow
...
we drift through sand snow - always pondering "you never know"

yeah I don't get it, it's too all over the place, but I see it's an ending.


...

-- dope girl

The girls outside playing Double Dutch,
They start a dance called "Loop".
They Jump through the hoop,
They Jump and do their dance.
So, them other group don't stand a chance,
They jump on beats, They Double Dutch.
They Jump to "Can't be touch."
They show everyone how it done,
They jump and run.
They Jump Double Dutch on the Street,
They move their feet.
They are going hard,
Beef with them, they'll pull cards.
They don't care about competition,
They know they the Champion.
Them team talking smack,
They got each other back.
Mess with team, leave you in Endzone.
The girls jumping in Hot spot,
They Hanging outside, Jumping some hoops.
Everyone watch them Jump some loops.

keep writing, keep learning. not adequate for AWOL by a mile. good connection with topic, incredibly simplistic - lots of repetition but it didn't make it better. take your time when you vote on some of the battles here and break'em line by line (unlike what I did to yours, sorry) and honestly just off the top of your head write a sentence about what you liked. you'll improve quickly.

mvgt cereal by a lot, but only because of their opponent.

[Diablo]

Vote - Dope girl

The topic was open for you both to show some world-building skills to create something here, basing your storyline firmly on the setting of the block. What are we seeing, why is it important, what lead us here? Is it that life has a way of tripping us up when things are going well, or is it how we have to know to pick things back up immediately afterward and try again? So many options, so little time. Let’s see how this one plays out…

Right.

Candy: Your verse has this almost free form train of thought style to it, in my opinion, where rather than adhere to an orthodox topical line length we see many use where they may have some end rhyme in mind they want to finish on, you almost throw caution to the wind in that regard and will keep going, so that it reads like a keystyle, albeit a slightly more refined one I guess. I think you find you’re your own biggest challenge, it seems to me like you prefer to get the verse down as quickly as possible just to test yourself to see how quick you can do it even when you’re not up against the clock. It keeps your pen sharp in that regard, and is likely why some fragments of imagery end up appearing as a collage of thoughts because that’s essentially what this is for you, you’re writing in a very stream of consciousness manner on what comes to mind at that time. It’s unedited, unfiltered, and raw - and I think that you enjoy that fact. You’re very much of the live-in-the-moment ilk rather than obsessing over polishing everything up with a neatly tied little bow at the finish. It’s almost refreshing.

Dope girl - I thought you would enjoy this topic, figured you may even inject some of your own experiences into it perhaps, you were a young girl yourself once. The direct approach can work well sometimes if you immerse yourself in it and have something to say beyond what’s there on a surface level. “There were girls outside playing Double Dutch,” was a nail meeting hammer moment as you struck it on the head from the opening line. It’s difficult to expand upon this little review when I feel like I’ve already taken more time in assessing this than it did you to write it. Before Frank red flags this vote I’ll remind him he should have probably red flagged this verse/battle first to save us all some free time this week. Anyway, this was certainly a battle that happened this week. Kudos to both for showing where many others failed to do so.

Vote - Candy

[Frank]

@Inno @timeless @Ender @brokenhal0 @MMLP @Master Rock @Eviction @NYCSPITZ @Dominate @Blue Bayou

[Civil Rawr xD]

Both gotta keep elevating and pushing

[Scar]

CK i think underneath he weirdoness, theres a talented writer. what happened to the dude handling business during the RSTL? anyway, this latest incarnation is frustrating. i just don't understand some of the line, like what does this mean?

One day i will be princess, i prince

what the fuck does that mean, son? i cant pretend to know what your verse was about. sorry bro.

Dope Girl, what the hell is this? it would put up a dope battle against my 8 years old niece, but this aint it. the rhyme was super unimpressive. loop/hoop dance/chance. wack. i dont even know what that stupid verse was about.

vote/ Cereal Killer. his shit was doo doo too but at least it operated on a higher level than the chick. Frank do i really have to give more details for the battle? i can't read these shits one more time.

[Universe]

Cereal:

Well it started horribly and ended less horribly... So that's something. I feel like you forget to write every fourth word that you mean to write down because your bars are a staggering mess of vocabulary. Sometimes it works, most times it doesn't. But you have flashes of competency so that carries you through in battles like this one I suppose.

And don't say stuff like "It was like I still had that heat" or "trying to keep my pencil in play" in my threads ever again. You have no heat and never did. You shouldn't even be holding a pencil unless it is flipped around and you're using the eraser to undo all the damage that you have done to my retinas over the years.

Go sniff some glue.

Dope Girl:

I don't know what that was. You were talking, basically. I don't see the purpose of you being here other than to casually say "good luck loves" to people. I didn't enjoy this lame excuse for a verse in any way and I'm dumber for having read it.

That said, you seem like a nice person so... best of luck.

Vote: Cereal

[Frank]

@Cereal
CEREAL WINS!