Unfinished Lyrical Piece

[Vapeo]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LitMLmd94XA

Paintbrush color splashes,
reflections of biological optics,
Green.
Painter regards the project.
a vivid scene, the canvas is brought to life
with an intricate meaning.
Animals dive from the tips of the trees,
feeling the breeze,
gliding with an elegant ease,
Humans exploring nature
tryna get their hands on the keys
clouds high thunder rolls, H2o on the trees
Earth cries for the world, it's Shakespearean tragedy
Earthquakes got the world stage moving like sea
Bombastic bombs blasting its unnatural see
Every nigga for himself, it's like adam and eve
Forbidden fruit plugs offering like it's real ecstasy
Serpents lurking, sinister spirits under the surface
Externally fine, but on the inside its a circus
Spitting curses in the dirt, making mud
Like dirty pigs captured by Circe, lying inert
Waiting for a Savior, to come rescue the world
Life is joke, web of lies like a internet url
No one's safe from the shadows, where the bad things lurk
Bystanders are agents perpetuating the hurt
Selling souls, selling bodies like an internet girl
Motivated by the fame, so the young girls twerk
Million eyes watching, going berserk and
Captivated by the things that will hurt them
Nobody will save them
Artists painting a mural color is gray
Clouds parting gas rising causing acid to rain
Earth going insane,
people blowing their brains
Too many problems with pain
Brightest minds driven crazy, words blabber inane
People lose their lives over what they want to obtain
Can’t predict the future life is a game

To be continued.....

[Pharaohs Army]

you rhymed 'trees' with 'trees' and 'see' with 'sea'.

[Exis]

^^Stfu...

[Vapeo]

Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army

you rhymed 'trees' with 'trees' and 'see' with 'sea'.

Any actual contructive feedback?

[Exis]

Your imagery is pretty nice bro...that def stood out here, thought flow wise it was also slick...Idk if topicals are your forte but I can certainly see you bein' regarded as a top tier lyricist here in that regard based off of this joint.I liked it all tbh, don't really have anythin' else to say apart from props on what I consider to be a solid ass verse yeah...

Stay upwards fam.

[Vapeo]

Originally Posted by Exis

Your imagery is pretty nice bro...that def stood out here, thought flow wise it was also slick...Idk if topicals are your forte but I can certainly see you bein' regarded as a top tier lyricist here in that regard based off of this joint.I liked it all tbh, don't really have anythin' else to say apart from props on what I consider to be a solid ass verse yeah...

Stay upwards fam.

Good wishes your way

[Pent uP]

bruh. alright. there were multiple grammar errors that wouldn't make sense even if you were spitting with like a southern drawl (kinda like I thought the beat would warrant), or whatever accent. (oh yeah, assuming the first beat). Just a thought about it and then ill move on - clean it up before posting it..double check and whatnot. On to finer things.......This verse was written by like 3 different people I swear. The beginning is like this imagery that dives into some nature is beautiful lion king foliage type shit, the middle hits like (again) some southern rapper swag, and then the ending turns into some 2pacalyptical shit. Really different to have those three writers voices all in one train of thought. There was some awkward wording that I suspect was done for "effect" but comes off as cheesy (like saying h20 on trees as opposed to using precipitation or dew or just outright water [based on whatever syllable count or rhyme you were considering...there are choices you know?] to sound....smart? idk). Things like that need to get cleaned up and the rest of the verse will fall into its thematics I feel. Keep elevating