WEEK VI: For Battling vs Adonis[FOR BATTLING WINS]

[Inno]

Season 8

Verses are due MONDAY at 11:59 EST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY at 9:00 EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@For Battling vs @Adonis

Goodluck!

[For Battling]

Check

Do we agree on a line limit or?

My topic will be one of the pics

[Adonis]

You’re…

Curving time with the shape of your waist
Bending thoughts as you're bending a joint
Bending over got me lost in white noise
“Nice to meet you I mean,
I’d love to see you in dreams”
See, my eyes follow seams…
It's that denim I fiend
I’m art-tickle-it, swear
Just a sniff of your hair, Girl…
What a breath of fresh air
I’m pressed to not stare
But this sinking feeling aint fair
I want the skin and the lips anywhere
But breathing is life
And you took my soul from inside
Left me choking in time
With a simple skim of your aroma gainst' mine
I don’t want just a taste, I want to bite more than I’ll chew
But I can’t…Inhale or ex-press
Lost breath in a chest
Oxygen left in the steps to my neck
Oh no….I’m caught…
Watching your breast

Wide eyed deer pausing in lights
I’m star struck…coughing to hide
My tracing eyes undressing the rest of your skivvies in mind
Girl…I’m really not fine
I’m panting for your panties to pamper my pine
But I’m shy by de-sign
I’d like to meet you but...
This time
actually speak to you
Now…
Can we
Rewind…

“Excuse me miss…”

[For Battling]

Same pic



My Alternative’s Alternative

This is not what I had planned, if I explain it might sound bland
Mind jammed. I’ve looked everywhere for the sausage, but could only find ham
.
.
.
.
.
When I was 9 my mother got sick....of his shit, simply got up & dipped
She said my dad was a dick, but the only thing firm was his fist
Straight up abandoned her kid. Never sweet, the only desert she knew was the split
Said she ain’t wanna die by the hits, but I’ll make sure the next thing she urns is a clip
Now I burn pics of the past. New portraits? The only thing developing now are my tits & my ass
Getting lit is the task...the only thing I’d ever skip is my class
Walking home i’d Take a swig of the flask, cause the only thing waiting there was a whip & a lash
Then I’d take a hit of the gas. Gym of vodka.. I just wanna be as ripped as my dad
Anger swelled up more than my welts, became a whore because I loved how it felt
Would never fold on the hand I was dealt, my only weakness was the man with the belt
Soon enough I could fit my whole hand in my butt
Daddy made me a slut, the only thing I’d ever crave was a nut
I loved the pain when I fucked
Told the plumbers lay the pipe in each walk so I’ll bust
Then I became bored of the pork, thought every dude was a dork
Met a girl named champagne, she treated me like a cork. An hour later I was getting the poke & spoon like a spork
Started changing within, bought clippers and shaved my hair with a grin
The devil said “I dare you to sin”, so I let my pants become more loose than my minge
Now instead of having to burp up his cum..I’m burping for fun
Those nights of pleasing a jerk with my gums, turned into having clits on my tongue
Told my dad I would marry a bride, all he did was just stare in my eyes
Gave me a rope and said “use this noise as a tie, cause if you put on that suit then you die.”



Sincerely,

Antoinette Colavito

[Inno]

For Battling vs Adonis

Adonis kind of disappointed this week. He usually has a real poetic flare to his stuff, and that was kind of present in a few lines early on but as the piece continued I got the impression he just dialled it in this week? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe he was pushed for time and whatnot. The flow was pretty spot on, I liked the shorter lines and even noted the alliterative attempt a little later on, it was more the “concept” that hurt him here. He didn’t really do a great deal with it, or take it anywhere new, it just seemed like a straightforward chance meeting with a female he liked that ultimately lead nowhere (the relationship, and the verse weirdly enough!)

As I said, some of the sentiment was cool and at times the wording was nice enough but in other spots it just seemed uninspired and uneventful (to me). This wasn’t the best Adonis has done by far and after seeing what Inno did with the same picture just last week, it’s clear to see a lot can be done with that metaphorically so I’m at a bit of a loss as to why he didn’t approach it in a slightly similar manner? Oh well. Onto Zelph…


Zelph may actually surprise a few AWOL cats after reading this. I enjoyed the opening lines. It has a real battle kind of flavour to it that I fuck with, with punchlines in there midverse that the topical crowd largely seem to overlook but hey, they’re standouts and quoteables for a reason and the text battlers know just how to word those. I’m all for it. The “mother got sick… of his shit” pause worked really effectively I thought here, the only thing hard was his fist was another example of what I mean. It worked in the context of it all. The flow didn’t really falter either, despite some of the lines appearing longer, they were probably just two lines in one and needed breaking up if you read it – its an easy fix, could maybe have just used some proofreading prior to posting to clean it. The Bags twist at the end was funny and board centralised too, which again I think Zelph deserves a lot of credit for. This was fun, lighthearted and tongue in cheek. I was entertained. I think Zelph got this here in an upset.

[Inno]

Easy fucking vote here.

Adonis, wasn't a fan of the verse, at all. Surprising, because there's usually something I like about your verse. I wasn't a fan of the way you attacked the topic, nor was I a fan about the basic rhyming you use. The best part about this verse to me, was that there was a couple couplets that had a perfect syllable count which led to some smooth rhyming, but besides that, I just didn't like it. I guess it's one of those, put someone on a certain standard, and if they don't deliver, it's kind of wack. Not impressed here buddy, do better.

For Battling, this was cool. It wasn't mind blowing or anything, but it was refreshing. Kind of feels like you throw two bars in for every "bar". I guess what gives you the win here is, the comedic approach to the topic. Nice flip as well. I had a few chuckles every now & then, this here though:

That shit was ROFLz worthy. To me, this boils down to a very basic verse, which is upsetting cuz I know he can do better, to an okay verse, but it was funny & had a much better twist to the topic.

My vote goes to For Battling. Zelph? I think I'm going to say that instead of For Battling, it's just easier to type.

[Inno]

Adonis
This verse was pretty light in concept, just a guy mustering up courage to talk to a girl, so I feel like it needed fantastic writing to make up for it. The writing was alright, but just talking about all the ways this chick is hot got a bit repetitive to me. Also, the first 3 lines were a little strange because they had no real rhyme or flow, unless you count rhyming 'bending' with itself. I've always liked your topicals more when you focus on an interesting story, so I'm hoping you write more in that vein moving forward.
This piece was alright, just felt a little light.

Zelph
I really disliked the content of this piece a lot and I couldn't really work out why it annoyed me so much at first so I examined it more carefully. It's not the content that angered me, I have no problem with a darker piece. I've decided that it's a combination of the tone of the piece and the lack of character development. The tone didn't seem to choose a side clearly enough. Either treat the material seriously, or treat it overly lightly, to contrast the content. The tone you chose was neither and seemed ill-suited to the material. In terms of the characters, not enough time was spent on the Dad for the ending to have the proper impact for me and not enough time was spent exploring the character of the girl to make me connect with her struggles as a reader.
Having said all that, the piece undeniably has a lot of life to it, and I was certainly never bored by it and I wanted to see what would happen next. The rhyme and flow was decent.

This battle didn't do much for me. I felt like Adonis didn't have enough weighty material and Zelph handled his weighty material poorly. In the end, I usually go with which verse engaged me more, and this time that was Zelph's verse. It got a genuine reaction out of me, even if that reaction was negative, which I rate over a verse that got no reaction out of me.

Vote - Zelph

[Inno]

adonis
this was aight, to me it felt like the noose tie was more of a social ineptitude, or maybe just with girls, where they start getting lost in their fantasy/day dream whenever they see someone that interests them and it sort of spirals out of control and they're really nervous/aware of the fact that they may slip up and say something WAY too forward despite first time meeting/etc. lmao
I liked the "inhale or ex-press" part, but besides that I don't think any of the writing really stuck out to me.

for battling
the first four lines after the whole . . . thing were cool. the piece as a whole was solid, and it seemed simple but in a good way (like, the flow remained pretty much the same throughout, simple rhymes, etc.) so it wasn't a difficult read. some of it seemed reachy but it may just be slang/terms I don't know. if it was raunchy and on the same caliber as (for example) diablo's from last week (or the week before? not sure), you'd have taken this vs adonis easily.

as it stands, bit too ... immature is the word, but it wasn't immature it just was the content.
mvgt adonis

[Inno]

The hour glass figure of your muse was nicely alluded to via your opening lines. The words that followed were constructed pretty well. The infatuation aspect was evident and the everyday reality of your thoughts, put into rhyme form, make this a relatable read.

I'm well known for pulling the baddest of the bunch, thus, I can 100% relate to everything you've mentioned. In fact, I can almost smell the scent of a freshly washed lock of hair now. But, with that said, I have to be honest, big dawg, I have no idea what you meant by "art-tickle-it". I assume that's wordplay for 'articulate'. But, I'm not understanding it's contextual relevance to the story.

You're flow isn't super complex, but it reads fluidly and natural. So I have zero qualms with it. However, the topic its self isn't really taking me on a journey or providing me with much knowledgeable insight. It's morefat wife surface level "I love you, boo boo" kind of stuff. Which is cool. I dig it. But, it's not exactly creative writing. That is, in terms of this being a competition and all. Feel me?

I'm guessing "ex-press" is either accented for the sake of flow, but more likely just a very subtle play on "lost"/loss.

Nice and fluid.

See, you have something here, but it's like a leave blowing in the wind. A fleeting thought, the reader can barely grasp or have time enough to admire it. I wish you would expound on these brief moments of poetic metaphors a little more. Flesh them out via a running scheme and maximize on their fullest potential.

Dope and sensible alliterations.

Rocafella 4 eva. Lol. Cool ending.

Overall, this was a nice, but a very safe verse. It had it's moments, but most of those moments were short lived or underdeveloped. I won't go into extreme detail, because I'm sure you already know what I mean. I've read past works of yours, so I know this is just a warm up, get your feet wet, type of verse from you. One positive, however, is that the flow was easy to follow. It was well paced and faultless. So props to you on that.

--Edit-- Also, I just paid a little more attention to the picture and have come to the realization that some your, gasping, lack of air metaphors, were meant to be seen as subtle tie-ins to the topic's noose like imagery.

Uhhhh ... Okay. Lol. Nah, your intro is humorous. I smirked after reading it.

And this is how I know you're primarily a text-head. You're battle ready rhymes bleed through your lines. It's very punchy content, bro. I dig it.

If this were a typical text battle I don't think you'd get many points for originality, as far as that last lines goes. However, in the context in which you used it here, it works quite nicely.

"Urns"/"earns" is a bit of a reach. I get what you were going for, but there was not enough supporting content to really make it work or make sense.

Because Bruce Jenner is an idol of yours? Lol. Nah, that was corny. I'm tracking you. You're character is a problematic teenage girl severely affected by her dysfunctional upbringing.

"Gym of vodka", Zelph? What's that suppose to mean? Maybe you meant 'and' instead of "of"??? Either way, it could have been worded better. OAN, your flow is just as breezy as Adonis' was. Like his, it rolls right off the tongue.

Super solid.

Lmao ... tf? Idkw, but that made me shake my head and laugh out loud. Just sounds funny.

Is "walk" a plumming term or something? If not, that doesn't make much sense to me. At least in terms of how it's worded -- syntactically speaking. I do understand the general premise though.

That was cool. Although, I'm sure the lesbian community (wherever thearare) may see it as a over generalization of how they came to be. However, I imagine there are instances when a sexually abused child might deviate from the norm of heterosexuality and choose to engage in other orientations as a result of their repressed childhood traumas.

Some of the wording is, eh, but the story itself is still pretty interesting and the imagery is cool.

Seems like the father was more concerned with his daughter getting married in general, than he was with the fact it's going to be to a woman. I guess that's kind of progressive. I guess.lol. Not that he should be a trusted authority on the sanctity of marriage anyway. But, yeah. OAN, I think you mean "noose"and not "noise", but typos are ever present for all of us.

Vote -- Zelp.

Ithink both guys were nearly even in terms of mechanics, they both had a line or two that didn't add up, but other than that, this was a nice and very close battle. Both verse read smoothly and at a conversational pace, had imagery, and either poetic or punchy highlights. Zelph gets the not because his story was more well-rounded and fleshed out. I think Adonis played it too safely and is still knocking the rust off his pen. Either way, they both can write and I suspect next round we'll see even better verses from both. Peace.

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