7. Zen vs. Wise Wiggles - (Zen wins by NS)

Vulgar · 05-23-2015, 07:36 PM

You've been enlisted for an abstract cause.

NO LINE LIMIT
VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks)

Verses Due Sunday Morning.
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
(Extensions only granted if opponent accepts, anything else is unaccepted.)

Voting Ends Monday Night
12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied
Remember The Earlier The Verses In The Sooner The Votes
Have Fun
Peace

Topic:

@Zen @Wise Wiggles

Wise Wiggles · 05-23-2015, 09:55 PM

Aight homie this about to get trippy as fuck

Zen · 05-24-2015, 12:07 AM

:)!

Zen · 05-31-2015, 11:12 PM

I suppose I know the truth, or was that a lie I told to you?

I can’t decide.
It never crossed my mind to ask for the answer…

Was I just afraid and acted fine, and is it too late to change this appetite for Natural Light or Pabst every night?

I don’t know. I just shrug, and drink till I’ve had enough. By “had enough” I mean “passed out drunk”.
It’s such a sad sight.
Another bookmark in this average life...

You’re always in my window saying, “Good night,” but I just want to drink you away, sunshine. There are kids outside and they’re playing on the swings, I can hear them through the screen, laughing, and yelling, “You push me.” Maybe when I get old I’ll think about this, and say how wonderful it was for them to enjoy what I miss, but for now I put the pillow over my ear…

Wake up, clock in and leave your mind at the door because there’s nothing worse than they type who ignores his obligations to His Highness, My Lord, Mr. Nicest of his Corp.

American,
is there a better man?

No, we’re always right,
and that’s why I’m drinking tonight
because no one listens anyway
and I’m tired of talking.
I’m the kitchen waiting
on the silence
I dream of often,

but I know I won’t get there first...
No, you’ll get there before because that’s how the world works,
indifferent to pearls and dirt.

I’m no Saint, but I’ve got a gun and that can take the light out of your sun.
You have to live a little to know what you’re worth,
and I know I’m not better than the best one.

No,
and second’s no fun for an American Noone.

fraze · 06-02-2015, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zen

It’s such a sad sight.
Another bookmark in this average life...

I liked the lines quoted, but I would have liked to see something more focused on the picture. It was a cool piece, but not really on topic, which will probably hurt you in the later rounds.

Woke · 06-03-2015, 02:10 AM

Solid little read that focused around this depressed and worthless human being. I think you could have developed some concepts more, the office for example. Just paint a bit more to give more background of this worthless meat sack. In any case, the ending confused me a bit I must say. I'm not sure if he was committing suicide or killing someone. Either way, decent verse but as a whole it felt like it was missing something.

Vulgar · 06-03-2015, 04:50 PM

Did the guy in your avatar write this? Just kidding.

Excellent, excellent writing voice. Very personal sounding and genuine. The content itself just wasn't that stirring. You drew from the pot of "Suburban America's pitfalls" and allowed this representative to crow to the wind. While this is vintage from you, I didn't get that you added a unique perspective to that vintage-ness.

Nonetheless, thank you for showing!

05-23-2015, 07:36 PM	#1
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	7. Zen vs. Wise Wiggles - (Zen wins by NS) You've been enlisted for an abstract cause. NO LINE LIMIT VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks) Verses Due Sunday Morning. Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. (Extensions only granted if opponent accepts, anything else is unaccepted.) Voting Ends Monday Night 12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied Remember The Earlier The Verses In The Sooner The Votes Have Fun Peace Topic: @Zen @Wise Wiggles Last edited by Vulgar; 05-23-2015 at 07:55 PM.

05-23-2015, 09:55 PM	#2
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,507 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788019	Aight homie this about to get trippy as fuck __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

05-24-2015, 12:07 AM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	:)!

05-31-2015, 11:12 PM	#4
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	I suppose I know the truth, or was that a lie I told to you? I can’t decide. It never crossed my mind to ask for the answer… Was I just afraid and acted fine, and is it too late to change this appetite for Natural Light or Pabst every night? I don’t know. I just shrug, and drink till I’ve had enough. By “had enough” I mean “passed out drunk”. It’s such a sad sight. Another bookmark in this average life... You’re always in my window saying, “Good night,” but I just want to drink you away, sunshine. There are kids outside and they’re playing on the swings, I can hear them through the screen, laughing, and yelling, “You push me.” Maybe when I get old I’ll think about this, and say how wonderful it was for them to enjoy what I miss, but for now I put the pillow over my ear… Wake up, clock in and leave your mind at the door because there’s nothing worse than they type who ignores his obligations to His Highness, My Lord, Mr. Nicest of his Corp. American, is there a better man? No, we’re always right, and that’s why I’m drinking tonight because no one listens anyway and I’m tired of talking. I’m the kitchen waiting on the silence I dream of often, but I know I won’t get there first... No, you’ll get there before because that’s how the world works, indifferent to pearls and dirt. I’m no Saint, but I’ve got a gun and that can take the light out of your sun. You have to live a little to know what you’re worth, and I know I’m not better than the best one. No, and second’s no fun for an American Noone.

06-03-2015, 02:10 AM	#6
Woke Senior Member Join Date: May 2015 Posts: 183 Battle Record: 6-4 Rep Power: 553415	Solid little read that focused around this depressed and worthless human being. I think you could have developed some concepts more, the office for example. Just paint a bit more to give more background of this worthless meat sack. In any case, the ending confused me a bit I must say. I'm not sure if he was committing suicide or killing someone. Either way, decent verse but as a whole it felt like it was missing something.

06-03-2015, 04:50 PM	#7
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	Did the guy in your avatar write this? Just kidding. Excellent, excellent writing voice. Very personal sounding and genuine. The content itself just wasn't that stirring. You drew from the pot of "Suburban America's pitfalls" and allowed this representative to crow to the wind. While this is vintage from you, I didn't get that you added a unique perspective to that vintage-ness. Nonetheless, thank you for showing!