Jianghu (Chinese)

Wuxia · 11-08-2023, 04:41 AM

Zhong Jie - ML/Qing'ers Husband
Qing'er - FL/Zhong Jie's Wife/Rong'ers Sister
Shifu - SML Zhong Jie's Master (equivalent to Sensei)
Ye Li - SML/Rong'ers Husband/Yan Mei's Father
Rong'er - Ye Li's Wife/ Yan Mei's Mother/Qing'ers Sister
Yan Mei - SFL/Ye Li's Daughter/Rong'ers Daughter

NOTE: Setting takes place in Ancient Jianghu (Martial Arts World/Wuxia) then Modern Jianghu. A tale of immortals (with the exception of Zhong Jie's Shifu).

Act 1

a passerby, enamored with her marvelous splendor
her beauty picturesque, as the artist engendered
a portrait of her glamour, made the artisan richer
on display to indulge in, the art isn't censored
remind him of a chase, such an arduous venture
a cold and stoic look, she was harsh as the winter
her mood a bit churlish, had to pardon her temper
regardless of her ways, did his part to befriend her
was an old flame, eyes a hue of scarlet and ember
felt a warmth in her gaze, wasn't hard to remember
a melodious touch, worked her charm with a zither
where orchids bloom wild, hints of darkish magenta
she kept herself disciplined, and guarded her center
a peerless swordswoman, gifted martial defender
virtuouso, not a farce and pretender
supported folks threatened by a harmful agenda
wicked scoundrels, tried their darnedest to end her
them unrighteous hypocrites, got martyred or injured
he recognized her prowess, as a hardened contender
an unrivaled duelist, hailed the obvious victor
recalled her own sibling, who plotted against her
a disloyal wench, and incompetent sister
promiscuous...dissolute, a harlot and trickster
disemboweled, butchered up, then tossed in the river
her sword dance hypnotic, made the audience whisper
her loveliness sublime...truth, a prominent fixture
devoted to his heart, she belonged to her mister
so pleased to reminisce, he was fond of her picture
athletic and robust, she was drawn to his vigor
he shadowboxed alone, to grow his confidence bigger
yearned to be his darling, and bond with him quicker
this soulmate of hers, was such a dominant figure
his shifu was a drunk, he would squabble and bicker
amongst emptied wine jugs, and pots full of liquor
his breath a foul musk, made her nauseous and sicker
in spite of her grievance, he was awkwardly chipper
her husband was an optimist, a positive thinker
fearless with his halberd, also calm in demeanor
lethal. one strike from his palm could defeat her
extraordinary bladesman, never flaunted it either
spoke in honeyed words, made his compliments sweeter
relished her and knew, it was wrong to mistreat her
burning with desire, an erogenous fever
their skinship was lewd, made her fall even deeper
in love with his gravitas, she paused for a breather
and watched him progress, into the consummate leader
adventured with his wife, and an obstinate drinker
a tale about the romance, of zhong jie and qing'er.

Act 2

behold a violent manslayer, too sadistic and base
came from lowborn heritage, and lived in disgrace
heart was pitch black, dark as an infinite space
full of anguish and vitriol, it twisted his faith
demented mindset. turbulent. afflicted with hate
an amalgam of scorn, birthed the wickedest traits
had a masculine physique, and ridiculous strength
a lean build was appropriate, to quicken his pace
ambidextrous. his knifecraft?, depicted as great
while his gong fu? supreme-ish. a legitimate ace
no...overblown theatrics, or grandiloquent waste
aristocratic bullies or their flippant complaints
he would kowtow to buddha, to diminish his angst
when prayer didn't work, he rescinded his thanks
joined a righteous sect, then ascended the ranks
he later got expelled, due to mischevious pranks
he was singled out. baited. by duplicitous fakes
and deviant philanthropists, christened as saints
the reprobate elites with their frivolous tastes
delinquent braggarts, analogous to primitive apes
all them quasi-protagonists were venomous snakes
who argued good vs. evil, through endless debates
fond of wine in jade cups and traditional plates
dulcet flowered courtyards and priveleged estates
he was hellbent. a pugilist who did what it takes
all them paragons of goodness were impotent flakes
severed heads on a polearm, affixed in its place
the blood from their carotids, misted their face
ostentatious. his testimony. ditched at the gates
betwixt active citygoers, and shipments of freight
where local merchants gather, and visitors traipse
a loud scream for zhong jie. to admit his mistakes
every subhuman dirtbag, gets sent to their graves
the wench appear? ha! cut her tendons with blades
the shifu? long dead. he was stricken with plague
even jie was left numb, since he crippled his legs
he was powerless. reliant on attendants and maids
a sado-masochist. hurtful to dependents and slaves
qing'er loooved it, aroused by his iniquitous ways
both unnatural, perverse fiends. rich and depraved
as he reminisced? ye li dealt with fits of malaise
all the devils in his past life? scripted cliches
just a mishmash of parodies, and whimsical knaves
while his exploits became so resplendent with age
li was deft at surveillance, had a vigilant gaze
he tailed jie to a park, took a bench in the shade
near an antiquated bust, ye li mentioned his name
jie felt a knife at his throat...
...then he grimaced in pain.

Act 3

always kept her distance, knew to follow his lead
tapped her earbud, waited for his call to proceed
good to navigate the traffic, at a moderate speed
her expertise in stealth made her father relieved
their wetwork? proficient. thus an operative team
a tandem of vengeful cìkè who zhong jie aggrieved
no signs of remorse. harsh. yes, a problem indeed
did the framework. masterminded a volatile scheme
their goal? retribution, hence nirvana's achieved
amituofuo. modest. they never sought the prestige
their chief target an oligarch and hostile regime
sanctioned his wife first, was a bothersome thing
seen tortured and headless, in an alternate scene
her flesh peeled off. gross. macabre and extreme!
word. her doom was inescapable, a plausible theme
she accrued evil karma, being a goddess and queen
took pride in her atrocities, wrongs and misdeeds
turned demonic. more specifically monstrous fiend
intolerant of her sister, qing's jaundice routine
rong's appeal made her envious, as odd as it seem
her delusion's psychotic. it caused her to scream
to puke blood and convulse, and fall to her knees
too hysterical to meditate and swallow or breathe
thought ye li was trash. however, rong disagreed
gave birth to yanmei and didn't bother with qing
made her family life joyful both calm and serene
yet her peace was interrupted by an ominous dream
so horrendous. the imagery it brought was obscene
on to present day jianghu, mr. zhong the bereaved
tyrannized his province for as long as he pleased
an unscrupulous crime lord, had a doctrinal creed
his rule was absolute, being a sovereign and king
indifferent to unlawfulness or conglomerate greed
burnt from exhaustion he was fraught with disease
housebound from cancer, looked gaunt and fatigued
supped on congee with meat buns and osmanthus tea
jie kept to his wheelchair, ensconced in his seat
he depopulated the poor, then stomped on the weak
see his ring of paid goons were the vaunted elite
all dead within hours when their job was complete
the carbon arrow broadhead she nock were distinct
each shot mad precise, bet. it called for a drink
she conveyed her jubilation with a nod and a wink
gripped her compound bow, then walked to her jeep
a unique grand commander buildup modern and sleek
then scheduled a tongzhi spa, massage for a treat
their rendezvous spot was at her fathers boutique
she bumped jianghu: act 2, and rocked to the beat
gone from the parking garage and on to the street
to buy joss paper, mooncakes, and kumquats to eat
a box of ferrero rochers, the chocolate was sweet
plus a laichan cheongsam, nothin squalid or cheap
zhong jie her dads mark, his prospects were bleak
when all hope is lost?, it make an optimist freak
he stalked him undetected and blocked his retreat
a first ring knife within the gloss of his sheath.

Diablo · 11-08-2023, 12:24 PM

I said I would hit you with some feedback and I meant it, can’t remember reading much of anything by you in this format to be truthful but since were both absolutely ancient in the game by todays standards let’s break this down for you:

There’s a lot of characters up top to familiarise ourselves with before this even begins, it probably makes perfect sense to you personally but it’s a tall ask in trusting the reader to digest that much information accordingly before the verses begin. Ideally you want to streamline the amount of characters in play to the minimum possible - perhaps just two or three - and you want to not just assign a name or relationship to them but really build up each individual character within the verse. They need to have some clearly defined purpose, you want to somehow have the reader invested in what the characters are doing and why, give them a reason to root for the lead character otherwise they’re just a name assigned to a character and it can feel a little one-dimensional and flat.

I don’t overlook the technical aspects, the overarching multi string was a particular highlight for me, I can appreciate the flex for sure and there was obviously some considerably time taken to pull that off while still trying to progress the different acts and whatnot. “Harsh as the winter,” was one spot I particularly enjoyed for its description utilising the cold to emphasise your point. The flow was solid throughout, really enjoyable actually and made for a crisp read. Act 2 was probably my favourite personally as the action heated up, some good word choices sprinkled throughout while maintaining that implied rhythmic cadence you had and progressing the storyline patiently while you let it build. I thought the jade jugs was a nice touch too with the setting and all. The minor details are important. The third act was fun with the call back to the verse and its second act being bumped by the character, sort of breaking the fourth wall down with your own shit haha! I fucked with that heavy. I thought the idea of him pulling up to the guy and then it drawing to a close was cool, leaving it up to the reader to decide what happens next somewhat but also leaving the door open to a possible sequel too. Sort of like the end of the Soprano’s where you don’t see what happens (though it’s implied). I’ll be here for a sequel for sure.

Keep that pen moving!

Scar · 11-18-2023, 12:05 AM

nasty. diggit

Geno · 11-20-2023, 02:41 PM

Lol. Nasty, dig it.

This was really quite remarkable, admittedly -i did not finish the whole thing but i got through verse one. Just wanted to kind of touch base on what i thought, i may or may not get to finish this before i forget its here but im a busy guy so probably not tbh

Thought it was packed with visuals and really good deacriptive writing. Flowed nice sullable wise, one gripe would be the monotonous scheme that seemed to hnever switch up or break free of itself. Normally would be a small thing, but normally it would also be a small verse. Im assuming the flow stayed the same for all three verses, but again.. thats just an assumption because as i said i didnt have time to read them all. Enjoyed what i read to be sure though. I hope it doesnt offend you that i didnt finish the whole piece. It was dope tho

Lenox · 11-22-2023, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geno

Lol. Nasty, dig it.

This was really quite remarkable, admittedly -i did not finish the whole thing but i got through verse one. Just wanted to kind of touch base on what i thought, i may or may not get to finish this before i forget its here but im a busy guy so probably not tbh

Thought it was packed with visuals and really good deacriptive writing. Flowed nice sullable wise, one gripe would be the monotonous scheme that seemed to hnever switch up or break free of itself. Normally would be a small thing, but normally it would also be a small verse. Im assuming the flow stayed the same for all three verses, but again.. thats just an assumption because as i said i didnt have time to read them all. Enjoyed what i read to be sure though. I hope it doesnt offend you that i didnt finish the whole piece. It was dope tho

Bump my shit u bald faggot

11-08-2023, 04:41 AM	#1
Wuxia BROKE LESNAR Join Date: Aug 2019 Posts: 67 Rep Power: 609913	Jianghu (Chinese) Zhong Jie - ML/Qing'ers Husband Qing'er - FL/Zhong Jie's Wife/Rong'ers Sister Shifu - SML Zhong Jie's Master (equivalent to Sensei) Ye Li - SML/Rong'ers Husband/Yan Mei's Father Rong'er - Ye Li's Wife/ Yan Mei's Mother/Qing'ers Sister Yan Mei - SFL/Ye Li's Daughter/Rong'ers Daughter NOTE: Setting takes place in Ancient Jianghu (Martial Arts World/Wuxia) then Modern Jianghu. A tale of immortals (with the exception of Zhong Jie's Shifu). Act 1 a passerby, enamored with her marvelous splendor her beauty picturesque, as the artist engendered a portrait of her glamour, made the artisan richer on display to indulge in, the art isn't censored remind him of a chase, such an arduous venture a cold and stoic look, she was harsh as the winter her mood a bit churlish, had to pardon her temper regardless of her ways, did his part to befriend her was an old flame, eyes a hue of scarlet and ember felt a warmth in her gaze, wasn't hard to remember a melodious touch, worked her charm with a zither where orchids bloom wild, hints of darkish magenta she kept herself disciplined, and guarded her center a peerless swordswoman, gifted martial defender virtuouso, not a farce and pretender supported folks threatened by a harmful agenda wicked scoundrels, tried their darnedest to end her them unrighteous hypocrites, got martyred or injured he recognized her prowess, as a hardened contender an unrivaled duelist, hailed the obvious victor recalled her own sibling, who plotted against her a disloyal wench, and incompetent sister promiscuous...dissolute, a harlot and trickster disemboweled, butchered up, then tossed in the river her sword dance hypnotic, made the audience whisper her loveliness sublime...truth, a prominent fixture devoted to his heart, she belonged to her mister so pleased to reminisce, he was fond of her picture athletic and robust, she was drawn to his vigor he shadowboxed alone, to grow his confidence bigger yearned to be his darling, and bond with him quicker this soulmate of hers, was such a dominant figure his shifu was a drunk, he would squabble and bicker amongst emptied wine jugs, and pots full of liquor his breath a foul musk, made her nauseous and sicker in spite of her grievance, he was awkwardly chipper her husband was an optimist, a positive thinker fearless with his halberd, also calm in demeanor lethal. one strike from his palm could defeat her extraordinary bladesman, never flaunted it either spoke in honeyed words, made his compliments sweeter relished her and knew, it was wrong to mistreat her burning with desire, an erogenous fever their skinship was lewd, made her fall even deeper in love with his gravitas, she paused for a breather and watched him progress, into the consummate leader adventured with his wife, and an obstinate drinker a tale about the romance, of zhong jie and qing'er. Act 2 behold a violent manslayer, too sadistic and base came from lowborn heritage, and lived in disgrace heart was pitch black, dark as an infinite space full of anguish and vitriol, it twisted his faith demented mindset. turbulent. afflicted with hate an amalgam of scorn, birthed the wickedest traits had a masculine physique, and ridiculous strength a lean build was appropriate, to quicken his pace ambidextrous. his knifecraft?, depicted as great while his gong fu? supreme-ish. a legitimate ace no...overblown theatrics, or grandiloquent waste aristocratic bullies or their flippant complaints he would kowtow to buddha, to diminish his angst when prayer didn't work, he rescinded his thanks joined a righteous sect, then ascended the ranks he later got expelled, due to mischevious pranks he was singled out. baited. by duplicitous fakes and deviant philanthropists, christened as saints the reprobate elites with their frivolous tastes delinquent braggarts, analogous to primitive apes all them quasi-protagonists were venomous snakes who argued good vs. evil, through endless debates fond of wine in jade cups and traditional plates dulcet flowered courtyards and priveleged estates he was hellbent. a pugilist who did what it takes all them paragons of goodness were impotent flakes severed heads on a polearm, affixed in its place the blood from their carotids, misted their face ostentatious. his testimony. ditched at the gates betwixt active citygoers, and shipments of freight where local merchants gather, and visitors traipse a loud scream for zhong jie. to admit his mistakes every subhuman dirtbag, gets sent to their graves the wench appear? ha! cut her tendons with blades the shifu? long dead. he was stricken with plague even jie was left numb, since he crippled his legs he was powerless. reliant on attendants and maids a sado-masochist. hurtful to dependents and slaves qing'er loooved it, aroused by his iniquitous ways both unnatural, perverse fiends. rich and depraved as he reminisced? ye li dealt with fits of malaise all the devils in his past life? scripted cliches just a mishmash of parodies, and whimsical knaves while his exploits became so resplendent with age li was deft at surveillance, had a vigilant gaze he tailed jie to a park, took a bench in the shade near an antiquated bust, ye li mentioned his name jie felt a knife at his throat... ...then he grimaced in pain. Act 3 always kept her distance, knew to follow his lead tapped her earbud, waited for his call to proceed good to navigate the traffic, at a moderate speed her expertise in stealth made her father relieved their wetwork? proficient. thus an operative team a tandem of vengeful cìkè who zhong jie aggrieved no signs of remorse. harsh. yes, a problem indeed did the framework. masterminded a volatile scheme their goal? retribution, hence nirvana's achieved amituofuo. modest. they never sought the prestige their chief target an oligarch and hostile regime sanctioned his wife first, was a bothersome thing seen tortured and headless, in an alternate scene her flesh peeled off. gross. macabre and extreme! word. her doom was inescapable, a plausible theme she accrued evil karma, being a goddess and queen took pride in her atrocities, wrongs and misdeeds turned demonic. more specifically monstrous fiend intolerant of her sister, qing's jaundice routine rong's appeal made her envious, as odd as it seem her delusion's psychotic. it caused her to scream to puke blood and convulse, and fall to her knees too hysterical to meditate and swallow or breathe thought ye li was trash. however, rong disagreed gave birth to yanmei and didn't bother with qing made her family life joyful both calm and serene yet her peace was interrupted by an ominous dream so horrendous. the imagery it brought was obscene on to present day jianghu, mr. zhong the bereaved tyrannized his province for as long as he pleased an unscrupulous crime lord, had a doctrinal creed his rule was absolute, being a sovereign and king indifferent to unlawfulness or conglomerate greed burnt from exhaustion he was fraught with disease housebound from cancer, looked gaunt and fatigued supped on congee with meat buns and osmanthus tea jie kept to his wheelchair, ensconced in his seat he depopulated the poor, then stomped on the weak see his ring of paid goons were the vaunted elite all dead within hours when their job was complete the carbon arrow broadhead she nock were distinct each shot mad precise, bet. it called for a drink she conveyed her jubilation with a nod and a wink gripped her compound bow, then walked to her jeep a unique grand commander buildup modern and sleek then scheduled a tongzhi spa, massage for a treat their rendezvous spot was at her fathers boutique she bumped jianghu: act 2, and rocked to the beat gone from the parking garage and on to the street to buy joss paper, mooncakes, and kumquats to eat a box of ferrero rochers, the chocolate was sweet plus a laichan cheongsam, nothin squalid or cheap zhong jie her dads mark, his prospects were bleak when all hope is lost?, it make an optimist freak he stalked him undetected and blocked his retreat a first ring knife within the gloss of his sheath.

11-18-2023, 12:05 AM	#3
Scar Senior Member Join Date: May 2019 Posts: 530 Battle Record: 7-5 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5689706	nasty. diggit __________________ I remember the poplar trees

11-20-2023, 02:41 PM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Lol. Nasty, dig it. This was really quite remarkable, admittedly -i did not finish the whole thing but i got through verse one. Just wanted to kind of touch base on what i thought, i may or may not get to finish this before i forget its here but im a busy guy so probably not tbh Thought it was packed with visuals and really good deacriptive writing. Flowed nice sullable wise, one gripe would be the monotonous scheme that seemed to hnever switch up or break free of itself. Normally would be a small thing, but normally it would also be a small verse. Im assuming the flow stayed the same for all three verses, but again.. thats just an assumption because as i said i didnt have time to read them all. Enjoyed what i read to be sure though. I hope it doesnt offend you that i didnt finish the whole piece. It was dope tho __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

11-08-2023, 12:24 PM	#2
Diablo Badgerdick Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Showdown City Posts: 2,604 Battle Record: 11-2 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 22685548	I said I would hit you with some feedback and I meant it, can’t remember reading much of anything by you in this format to be truthful but since were both absolutely ancient in the game by todays standards let’s break this down for you: There’s a lot of characters up top to familiarise ourselves with before this even begins, it probably makes perfect sense to you personally but it’s a tall ask in trusting the reader to digest that much information accordingly before the verses begin. Ideally you want to streamline the amount of characters in play to the minimum possible - perhaps just two or three - and you want to not just assign a name or relationship to them but really build up each individual character within the verse. They need to have some clearly defined purpose, you want to somehow have the reader invested in what the characters are doing and why, give them a reason to root for the lead character otherwise they’re just a name assigned to a character and it can feel a little one-dimensional and flat. I don’t overlook the technical aspects, the overarching multi string was a particular highlight for me, I can appreciate the flex for sure and there was obviously some considerably time taken to pull that off while still trying to progress the different acts and whatnot. “Harsh as the winter,” was one spot I particularly enjoyed for its description utilising the cold to emphasise your point. The flow was solid throughout, really enjoyable actually and made for a crisp read. Act 2 was probably my favourite personally as the action heated up, some good word choices sprinkled throughout while maintaining that implied rhythmic cadence you had and progressing the storyline patiently while you let it build. I thought the jade jugs was a nice touch too with the setting and all. The minor details are important. The third act was fun with the call back to the verse and its second act being bumped by the character, sort of breaking the fourth wall down with your own shit haha! I fucked with that heavy. I thought the idea of him pulling up to the guy and then it drawing to a close was cool, leaving it up to the reader to decide what happens next somewhat but also leaving the door open to a possible sequel too. Sort of like the end of the Soprano’s where you don’t see what happens (though it’s implied). I’ll be here for a sequel for sure. Keep that pen moving!