02-08-2019, 07:35 AM | #1 |
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MMLP vs brokenhal0 [OPEN FOR VOTES]
NWL:Season I: Week X
Verses ares due: THURSDAY at 11:59 PM EST Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30 Voting on 2 battles is required. TOPIC THREAD IS FOUND AT THE TOP OF THIS FORUM WITH THE BATTLES - PICK FROM THE TOPIC THREAD! @MMLP @brokenhal0
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- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) Last edited by sral; 02-08-2019 at 08:21 AM. |
02-14-2019, 11:35 AM | #2 |
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WYD!!???
I thought it was love in just a matter of weeks. A summer of lust that had passed with the breeze, was gathering speed and wouldn’t be stopped. Amassing some steam as if nothing was wrong. With our wonderful bond we sealed with a kiss to the autumn beyond through the clearing of mist. Tides appearing to shift with the settling of rain eyes reeling adrift from that predatory gaze. The celibacy came and went, as we rolled onto the bed, temperatures remained with the clothes’ tossed overhead. It was so hot, the suspense! I could’ve burst into flames, I was thrown off by the scent but undeterred to delay. Her assertive ways had upped shenanigans with a thirst for a race she could run a marathon. Abrupt yet, happy when having our wrestling feuds as more unravelling showed her selective moods. Those protective duties shone in the mist of the rage but her unprecedented beauty was beginning to fade. I made it my mission to gauge what she liked in a man. As suspicions were raised after her pints with the lads. So one night in her flat I chose to start looking about. My mind was scattered and smothered with doubt I hunted around and noticed a buzzing. Wandering downstairs to the closet I rummaged Roaming the cupboard to find a securely measured box Then opened the front and I saw a fleshy COCK!??! To my unsuspecting horror and nightmares confirmed, the underbelly slotted in and finely preserved. Terrifying silence emerged and it was hell, resurrected I was lifeless, submerged in a shell left dejected, I found myself second guessing what was in that portable icebox. Which now begs the question, should I run? or should I stop? WYD? |
02-15-2019, 04:37 AM | #3 |
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eye in the sky im looking ahead of goodbyes three facing two i feel the love rising inside its like a drug im too high in my mind i feel like im flying in time sailing beyond a proprietors sky a ship of immaculate design floor made of pine stern made of oak engine made of gold body of light only then I could float mountain temple subconscious moat alligators and trolls buried treasure i mapped them holes.... set sail for high hopes my eye floats inside divine spokes i write that hydro for high ghost yea i know attention is short and lifes slow inside all seeing eye's grow a beating heart and a live soul so i fly bold above streets and stores between peaks and gorge deep valleys where streams contour grass so tall no basketball rim can be seen from floor my ship sees it all a man wonders seeming lost dogs howl and lobsters eat fecal moss connected with 4 faces unglued as a farmers plants his food our fathers pray to offer dues mother breast feeds near small monsoons anaconda's sliver like quicksilver in a glass maze a rain cloud burst thunder for the last days better get that bag weighed.. my purpose is to call it first your world is all reversed i saw it merge with forces above the earth but my body's like kill him worse he hurt us all lucifers fall fill up my tank in Jupiters hall im the coolest of all mystic mansion sailing on starboard bow's inhale the expanding winds breathe of spirit guides the course but no mini golf fan can catch this spin... Last edited by brokenhal0; 02-15-2019 at 05:04 AM. |
02-15-2019, 06:47 AM | #4 | |||||||||
Shrewd as evearthed
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@MMLP This started off pretty dope, tbh. I think the writing and technical skill and scheming were top notch quality wise for the most part. It reads pretty clean up until the final third. Your full stops and comma use are annoying, I tend to read the commas and full stops as pauses whereas it reads like you continue straight into the next line at times. It's a very minor thing, but one to be mindful of I feel. There's stuff I'd do differently, like in here for example:
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Do you see that? Quote:
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- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) Last edited by sral; 02-15-2019 at 07:19 AM. |
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02-15-2019, 07:07 AM | #5 | ||||||
Shrewd as evearthed
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Quote:
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After those two lengthy breakdowns, I feel like MMLP has the win here with more technical skills shown right throughout - where hal0 had some patches where he was off and on - I also liked brokenhal0's more abstract and metaphorical take to his picture that made it self-reflective (or at least, to me) but the direct transition of MMLP's take and how he built up this weird scenario around it showed the more creativity and originality (to me) even if I did feel a bit lost towards the end, it wasn't enough lines to the point where I didn't feel I had any idea what was going on, and aside from that point his verse had more qualities I look for and strive toward in my own writing so for that reason I have him winning this week. Good battle, guys! Hope you appreciate the feedback! The guys that no-showed really missed out this week because you won't find this amount of feedback anywhere on the site, even in the OM forum, so it's well worth sticking around. Keep those pens moving!
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- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) Last edited by sral; 02-15-2019 at 07:16 AM. |
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02-18-2019, 11:11 PM | #6 |
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I gone through these verses and it is a shame that the subject matter differed, for the simply fact that I don't believe it gives a fair share to the matter at hand. Broken's verse is based on an abstraction while MMLP's verse is based on an interpretation. Broken had made many strong points as well as brought hard hitting lines with fully automatic flows venture off in short segments. MMLP's verse on the other hand drew me in anticipating the next line to figure out where it was going and constantly questioning what exactly was going on??? In regards to engaging one into a topic MMLP had an edge and twisted it, Broken's verse had the battle oriented domineering angle which presented his lyrical prowess but the subject abstraction can be interpreted in many ways. I believe to give and fully fair assessment the subject should be the same. With that being said, I will give the edge to MMLP for pulling me in and peaking more my interest.
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https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz Last edited by Master Rock; 02-23-2019 at 12:26 AM. |
02-23-2019, 12:25 AM | #7 |
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^Updated vote.
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