The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Pt 2.

Geno · 11-24-2013, 10:16 AM

The Realest ShitI EverWrote. Part 2: Fifty Shades Of Grey.

You see this lump in my hands, or you totally blind?
This bitch is pregnant, and I don't even know if its mine
But its fine, cause in my heart I don't care for the kid
And all I ever think about is how to burry this bitch
The adversary she is, need an axe -pole, or capsule in'er mouth
I wanna end thier fucking lives, no shadow of a doubt
I'm sorry -I blacked out, i think I'm losing my mind
The picture doesn't quite describe this illusion of mine
Knowing I was stupid inside, way I lift her legs and slayed
I fucked her once for every page in fifty shades of grey
Hey -I'm a man, what you expect in the heat of the moment
And she's a woman, should've known she had ulterior motives
Ion't totally hate kids, don't get me wrong from this grudge
I'm a parent, I have a six year old daughter I love
But all the above's different, the new bitch is ugly to see
And all she has is a case of wanting money from me
Rapes government cheese, plus she want support for this runt!?
Well fuck that, I think my tax money's more than enough!!
You say the babies more important than us, but your lying you bitch!!!
Saw an ovulation ap in your phone, you were trying for kids!!!
Meanwhile... I keep these thoughts of mine bottled inside
Even noticed a smile pass through our photographers eyes
Fucking idiot is probably blind, while I'm twisted with hate
The only person who knows how I feel is this bitch that I date
Its a myserable state, how can't she feel the tension I hold
I'm a ticking time bomb, hoping that our friendship explodes
Corodes, and the shrapnel tears her fucking stomache in half
Dumping the trash, killing a fetus that I never wanted to have
Blunt with the facts, but never meant for this shit to harvest
Fuck this verse, and for the record -this picture is garbage

Arsenium · 11-25-2013, 07:21 AM

That was pretty ill. The whole thing sounds so raw in the way that it was actually angry, you don't feel it like it's too polished up to sound nice, it was written in a fucked up way and it's presented like that. That makes it dope to read the whole way through, and the flow I got from it was fucking perfect, smooth but rough at the same time.

Objective · 11-25-2013, 09:31 AM

Beside of the obvious hardship and venting; this was pretty dope.

On the other half I'm sorry that shit got fucked up this bad for you. I still hope you don't act it out on the kid or put the blame on it, it didn't ask for its mother to be such a deceiving woman. And what I know for a fact is that it'll need a fathers love. Hate the mother all you want, but at least give the kid what it deserves and don't project your feelings about its mother on to him/her cuz that shit aint fun for anyone.

Either way; I hope everything gets solved somehow in a way that you can manage. Best wishes!

Geno · 11-25-2013, 07:20 PM

Thanks arsenium
And word @Objective
I couldn't leave a seed behind. I've been that seed before. Its fucked up.
I'm gonna handle mine dog. Appreciate the time and words it took to display your interest in my predicament.

dead man · 11-25-2013, 08:18 PM

literally my worst nightmare.

be cool man.. hopefully it all works out for the best

Natural · 12-04-2013, 09:10 PM

I'm not sure why you are so sloppy with you're structure as of ...pretty much since I've been gone...you used to have some even lines...tightly packed rhymes.
I personally preferred it when you did.
You're steeze is pretty much the same though....its smooth and decriptive and mildly witty.
However I think its really time for you to reinvent yourself as a writer
Because I honestly believe AS IS....you've peaked. You're really not improving anymore
You're just going through the motions. You need to really challenge yourself.
Are you a "good" writer? Yeah. But you're style is played
Repetitive. I get through two bars and know its you behind it.

Look at eminem...he is the perfect example of someone successful who understands the need to change up styles.

Natural · 12-04-2013, 09:28 PM

You see this lump in my hands, or are you totally blind?
This bitch is pregnant, and I don't even know if its mine
What a tangled webb, broken design, cause in my heart
I know i don't care for the kid and I could just burry the bitch
The adversary she is, need an axe -pole, or capsule in'er mouth
I wanna end their fucking lives, there's no shadow of doubt
I'm sorry -I blacked out, i really think that I'm losing my mind
The picture just doesn't quite describe this illusion of time
Knowing I was stupid inside, way I lift her legs and slayed
I fucked her once for every page in the fifty shades of grey

↑ I had to change and add words....but the above is an example of a better structure.
I changed illusion of mine to illusion of time only because you've already used mine
as an end rhyme in the drop. However the word "mine" would still be fine structure wise.
Compare the two. Food for thought.

Geno · 12-07-2013, 12:35 PM

I have no idea what you did to my verse there
It doesn't flow at all for me lol. But I dig the criticism. Seems like a lot of people feel the same way about my shit.

Which I don't understand. Cause I feel like I'm constantly changing schemes.

Pakistani Hand Cannon · 12-07-2013, 12:57 PM

i read the first part of this, i thought it was liive, iunno if i mentioned that or not...but anyways...

this one i didnt like so much, the other one i fucked with cause it seem like you was just writing it straight out the heart/mind with no consideration for a reader/listener wdeva...& it come off authentic, this one just seemed not so raw - raw in the sense of it just being a straight captivation of an expression/emotion uncut & unfiltered...this shit just seemed like it catered to an audience a lil too much if you know what im sayin...thats just the feel i got it this at this particular moment n shit though so take it howeva...i wasnt mad at it it was aiight

on a final note n shit though...shit

Quote:

hoping that our friendship explodes
Corodes, and the shrapnel tears her fucking stomache in half
Dumping the trash, killing a fetus that I never wanted to have

considering you already father a yout...shiit gotdamn that some cold ass shit, thats life nigga

im jusstt sayyyin

like i said anyway, this was aiight, part one i fuxd with alot more

#1

edit - wuuuut thuuuuh fuuuuck at the nigga re-writing parts of the verse lmfaoo whatisthis

Natural · 12-08-2013, 03:12 AM

@Rugged
Its pretty obvious.

Genocide
All I can say is take what you agree with and use it and discard the rest.
Based off what you said id say you understood me.
Unno. My two cents for whatever its worth.
Stay scribing

11-25-2013, 09:31 AM	#3
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,787 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474189	Beside of the obvious hardship and venting; this was pretty dope. On the other half I'm sorry that shit got fucked up this bad for you. I still hope you don't act it out on the kid or put the blame on it, it didn't ask for its mother to be such a deceiving woman. And what I know for a fact is that it'll need a fathers love. Hate the mother all you want, but at least give the kid what it deserves and don't project your feelings about its mother on to him/her cuz that shit aint fun for anyone. Either way; I hope everything gets solved somehow in a way that you can manage. Best wishes! __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

11-25-2013, 07:20 PM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Thanks arsenium And word @Objective I couldn't leave a seed behind. I've been that seed before. Its fucked up. I'm gonna handle mine dog. Appreciate the time and words it took to display your interest in my predicament. __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

11-25-2013, 08:18 PM	#5
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,467 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606676	literally my worst nightmare. be cool man.. hopefully it all works out for the best __________________ Zack Wicks for president

12-04-2013, 09:10 PM	#6
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 691 Rep Power: 0	I'm not sure why you are so sloppy with you're structure as of ...pretty much since I've been gone...you used to have some even lines...tightly packed rhymes. I personally preferred it when you did. You're steeze is pretty much the same though....its smooth and decriptive and mildly witty. However I think its really time for you to reinvent yourself as a writer Because I honestly believe AS IS....you've peaked. You're really not improving anymore You're just going through the motions. You need to really challenge yourself. Are you a "good" writer? Yeah. But you're style is played Repetitive. I get through two bars and know its you behind it. Look at eminem...he is the perfect example of someone successful who understands the need to change up styles. Last edited by Natural; 12-04-2013 at 09:14 PM.

12-04-2013, 09:28 PM	#7
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 691 Rep Power: 0	You see this lump in my hands, or are you totally blind? This bitch is pregnant, and I don't even know if its mine What a tangled webb, broken design, cause in my heart I know i don't care for the kid and I could just burry the bitch The adversary she is, need an axe -pole, or capsule in'er mouth I wanna end their fucking lives, there's no shadow of doubt I'm sorry -I blacked out, i really think that I'm losing my mind The picture just doesn't quite describe this illusion of time Knowing I was stupid inside, way I lift her legs and slayed I fucked her once for every page in the fifty shades of grey ↑ I had to change and add words....but the above is an example of a better structure. I changed illusion of mine to illusion of time only because you've already used mine as an end rhyme in the drop. However the word "mine" would still be fine structure wise. Compare the two. Food for thought. Last edited by Natural; 12-04-2013 at 09:34 PM.

11-24-2013, 10:16 AM	#1
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Pt 2. The Realest ShitI EverWrote. Part 2: Fifty Shades Of Grey. You see this lump in my hands, or you totally blind? This bitch is pregnant, and I don't even know if its mine But its fine, cause in my heart I don't care for the kid And all I ever think about is how to burry this bitch The adversary she is, need an axe -pole, or capsule in'er mouth I wanna end thier fucking lives, no shadow of a doubt I'm sorry -I blacked out, i think I'm losing my mind The picture doesn't quite describe this illusion of mine Knowing I was stupid inside, way I lift her legs and slayed I fucked her once for every page in fifty shades of grey Hey -I'm a man, what you expect in the heat of the moment And she's a woman, should've known she had ulterior motives Ion't totally hate kids, don't get me wrong from this grudge I'm a parent, I have a six year old daughter I love But all the above's different, the new bitch is ugly to see And all she has is a case of wanting money from me Rapes government cheese, plus she want support for this runt!? Well fuck that, I think my tax money's more than enough!! You say the babies more important than us, but your lying you bitch!!! Saw an ovulation ap in your phone, you were trying for kids!!! Meanwhile... I keep these thoughts of mine bottled inside Even noticed a smile pass through our photographers eyes Fucking idiot is probably blind, while I'm twisted with hate The only person who knows how I feel is this bitch that I date Its a myserable state, how can't she feel the tension I hold I'm a ticking time bomb, hoping that our friendship explodes Corodes, and the shrapnel tears her fucking stomache in half Dumping the trash, killing a fetus that I never wanted to have Blunt with the facts, but never meant for this shit to harvest Fuck this verse, and for the record -this picture is garbage __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

11-25-2013, 07:21 AM	#2
Arsenium Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2013 Posts: 4 Rep Power: 0	That was pretty ill. The whole thing sounds so raw in the way that it was actually angry, you don't feel it like it's too polished up to sound nice, it was written in a fucked up way and it's presented like that. That makes it dope to read the whole way through, and the flow I got from it was fucking perfect, smooth but rough at the same time.

12-07-2013, 12:35 PM	#8
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	I have no idea what you did to my verse there It doesn't flow at all for me lol. But I dig the criticism. Seems like a lot of people feel the same way about my shit. Which I don't understand. Cause I feel like I'm constantly changing schemes. __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

12-08-2013, 03:12 AM	#10
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 691 Rep Power: 0	@Rugged Its pretty obvious. Genocide All I can say is take what you agree with and use it and discard the rest. Based off what you said id say you understood me. Unno. My two cents for whatever its worth. Stay scribing