Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-08-2018, 01:49 AM   #1
dead man
living
 
dead man's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,465
Battle Record: 33-18

Accomplishments
- Hall of Fame

Champed
- AOWL Season 1
- Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 4
- Write Week V
- GWL Season 1

Rep Power: 77606676
dead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant futuredead man has a brilliant future
Default wait

let's sit
down at the table. breadknife carve us a piece
talk to me, honestly like we could have ideally
coffee carafe pouring softly, tar-black, raw sugar stevia
heartache paraphernalia, now this is feeling familiar
moths in our teeth. wasps underneath. honey, be safe
one foot in the grave, another wanting to wait
lemonwater and grapes. Marty McMaraschinos with shakes
driving-thru Susie's, in Chevy Sonics we ate
in sheer wonder. heater blasting windows open a crack
so we can smoke and laugh and gauge each other's reactions
etched dressers in x-acto in an act of defiance
CD drives, album booklet lyrics stereo wires
crossed paths configure lives - there's a novelty line
with a million-plus dilemmas out there common as mine
calming storms, bending iron into copper and diamond
filter melancholia and call it a rhyme
agnostic in his apathy for thoughtful design
i'm carbon and wine. a bloodbag marked for retirement
godless swine. propaganda artist markerboard signage
faux-revolutionary marching in silence. alone at last
episodic memory blink bulb and a flash
i only hope it lasts. it's all moving too fast
wait. look
i'm just a space cadet who's craving direction
i'd tie my own strings to be your marionette
i've been carrying burdens we've never really addressed
burying my deathwish under daily dependence
there's gotta be an exit here i'm already bored
i'll wait until you tell me you're gone

thanks
__________________
Zack Wicks for president
dead man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2018, 08:53 PM   #2
PancakeBrah
SOBER
 
PancakeBrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5


Champed
- AOWL Season 2

Rep Power: 85899406
PancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond repute
Default

More nostalgia, or at least about older nostalgia, than usual and all the better for it. Dilemma and marionette lines were the best but it's all good.
__________________
If I ventured in the slipstream
Between the viaducts of your dreams
Where immobil steel rims crack
And the ditch in the back road stop
Could you find me?
PancakeBrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2018, 11:24 AM   #3
big baby
obsessed
 
big baby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1

Accomplishments
- can recite entirety of shrek 2

Champed
- tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek

Rep Power: 8599678
big baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant futurebig baby has a brilliant future
Send a message via AIM to big baby
Default

all is well.

Quote:
crossed paths configure lives - there's a novelty line
with a million-plus dilemmas out there common as mine
calming storms, bending iron into copper and diamond
filter melancholia and call it a rhyme

i like this here. it's very in depth and straight to the point where, it's relatable, commonplace enough for anyone to take certain meaning.


Quote:
i'm just a space cadet who's craving direction
i'd tie my own strings to be your marionette
i've been carrying burdens we've never really addressed
burying my deathwish under daily dependence
there's gotta be an exit here i'm already bored
i'll wait until you tell me you're gone
i liked this, butmy only
qualm would be addressing the atypical ending. you're gone, and poof. the story ends, the poetry ends, everything ends on a cliche ending. while it's a great part of the piece, it still has that nagging common effect, where i think it doesn't have its utmost potential. the space cadet comparison is very real and intense. it's probably the first time where you weren't atleast slightly cryptic while also having a sense of self deprecation and awareness. the sacrifice. i think in moments like these, that the writing and emotion is at its rawest. raw meaning, no filter for it to go through. it feels realer.

enjoyable.

thanks
__________________
precision defender
Quote:
Originally Posted by greed View Post
If mentioned in a discussion its who'd still use wordy lines and act all dope
Then again hes had this schtick so long he like bb da bb da bb thats all folks
big baby is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:59 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+