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Old 02-08-2019, 07:35 AM   #1
sraL
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Default MMLP vs brokenhal0 [OPEN FOR VOTES]

NWL:Season I: Week X


Verses ares due: THURSDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.

TOPIC THREAD IS FOUND AT THE TOP OF THIS FORUM WITH THE BATTLES - PICK FROM THE TOPIC THREAD!

@MMLP @brokenhal0
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Originally Posted by Just C View Post
I can't lie though man you got a nice looking dick. threat of hands rescinded.
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I bet a lot of babies could be made with that.. thats some porn star status
he must eat a lot of asparagus

Last edited by sraL; 02-08-2019 at 08:21 AM.
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Old 02-14-2019, 11:35 AM   #2
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Default WYD!!???



I thought it was love in just a matter of weeks.
A summer of lust that had passed with the breeze,
was gathering speed and wouldn’t be stopped.
Amassing some steam as if nothing was wrong.
With our wonderful bond we sealed with a kiss
to the autumn beyond through the clearing of mist.
Tides appearing to shift with the settling of rain
eyes reeling adrift from that predatory gaze.
The celibacy came and went, as we rolled onto the bed,
temperatures remained with the clothes’ tossed overhead.
It was so hot, the suspense! I could’ve burst into flames,
I was thrown off by the scent but undeterred to delay.
Her assertive ways had upped shenanigans
with a thirst for a race she could run a marathon.
Abrupt yet, happy when having our wrestling feuds
as more unravelling showed her selective moods.
Those protective duties shone in the mist of the rage
but her unprecedented beauty was beginning to fade.
I made it my mission to gauge what she liked in a man.
As suspicions were raised after her pints with the lads.
So one night in her flat I chose to start looking about.
My mind was scattered and smothered with doubt
I hunted around and noticed a buzzing.
Wandering downstairs to the closet I rummaged
Roaming the cupboard to find a securely measured box
Then opened the front and I saw a fleshy COCK!??!
To my unsuspecting horror and nightmares confirmed,
the underbelly slotted in and finely preserved.
Terrifying silence emerged and it was hell, resurrected
I was lifeless, submerged in a shell left dejected,
I found myself second guessing what was in that portable icebox.
Which now begs the question, should I run? or should I stop?
WYD?
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Old 02-15-2019, 04:37 AM   #3
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Default



eye in the sky im looking ahead of goodbyes
three facing two i feel the love rising inside
its like a drug im too high in my mind
i feel like im flying in time
sailing beyond a proprietors sky
a ship of immaculate design
floor made of pine stern made of oak
engine made of gold body of light
only then I could float
mountain temple subconscious moat
alligators and trolls buried treasure
i mapped them holes....

set sail for high hopes
my eye floats
inside divine spokes
i write that hydro
for high ghost yea i know
attention is short and lifes slow
inside all seeing eye's grow
a beating heart and a live soul
so i fly bold above streets and stores
between peaks and gorge
deep valleys where streams contour
grass so tall no basketball rim
can be seen from floor my ship sees it all
a man wonders seeming lost
dogs howl and lobsters eat fecal moss
connected with 4 faces unglued
as a farmers plants his food
our fathers pray to offer dues
mother breast feeds near small monsoons
anaconda's sliver like quicksilver in a glass maze
a rain cloud burst thunder for the last days
better get that bag weighed..

my purpose is to call it first
your world is all reversed
i saw it merge with forces above the earth
but my body's like kill him worse
he hurt us all lucifers fall
fill up my tank in Jupiters hall
im the coolest of all
mystic mansion sailing on starboard bow's
inhale the expanding winds
breathe of spirit guides the course
but no mini golf fan can catch this spin...

Last edited by brokenhal0; 02-15-2019 at 05:04 AM.
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Old 02-15-2019, 06:47 AM   #4
sraL
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Default

@MMLP This started off pretty dope, tbh. I think the writing and technical skill and scheming were top notch quality wise for the most part. It reads pretty clean up until the final third. Your full stops and comma use are annoying, I tend to read the commas and full stops as pauses whereas it reads like you continue straight into the next line at times. It's a very minor thing, but one to be mindful of I feel. There's stuff I'd do differently, like in here for example:

Quote:
I thought it was love in just a matter of weeks.
A summer of lust that had passed with the breeze,
was gathering speed and wouldn’t be stopped.
I see why you used the opener as a sentence, with the next two almost used as one continuation, but rather than the comma at the end of that second line - what it needed to read like is "A summer of lust, that had passed with the breeze, was gathering speed and wouldn't be stopped."

Do you see that?


Quote:
Amassing some steam as if nothing was wrong.
With our wonderful bond we sealed with a kiss
to the autumn beyond through the clearing of mist.
I felt 'autumn beyond' sat awkwardly here. It's a tough one to rhyme off with the scheme above it, so I see why it was done entirely, I just think it made the line feel clunky. It needed wording differently or another rhyme used entirely IMHO. I'd have probably dropped the "With" and "we" from that line to make it "Our wonderful bond sealed with a kiss". The use of "bond" and "sealed" works well as they're almost synonyms, so the wordplay works.


Quote:
Tides appearing to shift with the settling of rain
eyes reeling adrift from that predatory gaze.
Predatory gaze makes it sound like a paedophile. Just saying.

Quote:
The celibacy came and went, as we rolled onto the bed,
temperatures remained with the clothes’ tossed overhead.
It was so hot, the suspense! I could’ve burst into flames,
I was thrown off by the scent but undeterred to delay.
LOL @ celibacy coming and going. "Rolled onto the bed/clothes tosses overhead" was good. I hated the pause between "So hot, the suspense!" largely because I read the commas as a pause or a break, definitely don't read them as if it's one run-on sentence like intended. This is probably your strongest section we get into now.

Quote:
Her assertive ways had upped shenanigans
with a thirst for a race she could run a marathon.
Assertive ways/thirst for a race seems a syllable out. It could be how I say it, it reads like a misstep though. The idea of thirst/race/marathon was another subtle wordplay I enjoyed. it's almost punchline-esque, but very short and succinct and I liked that. A standout line for sure.


Quote:
Abrupt yet, happy when having our wrestling feuds
as more unravelling showed her selective moods.
I wasn't overly keen on this couplet, seemed like you left the scheme, but you pick it up back right after:

Quote:
Those protective duties shone in the mist of the rage
but her unprecedented beauty was beginning to fade.
I made it my mission to gauge what she liked in a man.
As suspicions were raised after her pints with the lads.
So one night in her flat I chose to start looking about.
My mind was scattered and smothered with doubt
I hunted around and noticed a buzzing.
Wandering downstairs to the closet I rummaged
Roaming the cupboard to find a securely measured box
Then opened the front and I saw a fleshy COCK!??!
The build up to this is very good, I wasn't so keen on "pints with the lads" in truth, I feel you could have used something better there but it definitely wasn't bad at all, I'm just being critical because you took the time to put something forward. I got to "fleshy cock" and was just like WTF?! Left turn out of nowhere. I didn't expect that at all.


Quote:
To my unsuspecting horror and nightmares confirmed,
the underbelly slotted in and finely preserved.
"To my unsuspecting horror and nightmares confirmed" doesn't work alllllllllll of the way because it would have to equate to "to my nightmares confirmed"do you see that? It needed something like "To my unsuspecting horror I had my nightmares confirmed" small switch, but makes it read more naturally. I wasn't sure at all what you meant by underbelly, was it a tranny? Surely not.


Quote:
Terrifying silence emerged and it was hell, resurrected
I was lifeless, submerged in a shell left dejected,
I found myself second guessing what was in that portable icebox.
Which now begs the question, should I run? or should I stop?
WYD?
I'm still not sure what I just read. Did she cut his penis off? Is the guy dating a woman that was formerly a male (like the underbelly thing suggests) and keeping her old cock in her icebox? Thats what I got from it. The what would you do was a fun way to end things. Dope writing for the most part, few kinks here and there but easily remedied if you go back with a toothcomb and look at it.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just C View Post
I can't lie though man you got a nice looking dick. threat of hands rescinded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ouch View Post
I bet a lot of babies could be made with that.. thats some porn star status
he must eat a lot of asparagus

Last edited by sraL; 02-15-2019 at 07:19 AM.
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Old 02-15-2019, 07:07 AM   #5
sraL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0 View Post


eye in the sky im looking ahead of goodbyes
three facing two i feel the love rising inside
its like a drug im too high in my mind
i feel like im flying in time
sailing beyond a proprietors sky
a ship of immaculate design
I like how naturally this reads and flows, all coming together, the use of proprietors and its immaculate design is cool too.

Quote:
floor made of pine stern made of oak
engine made of gold body of light
only then I could float
This bit confused me slightly, the engine being gold and your enlightened body could be you as some kind of metaphor here. Your heart of gold, maybe? Your religion or plain old good morals could be what's guiding you on your journey. It reads more self-reflective than you just writing to what's in the picture, and I enjoy how you've transcended the topic, or so it seems.

Quote:
mountain temple subconscious moat
alligators and trolls buried treasure
i mapped them holes....

set sail for high hopes
my eye floats
inside divine spokes
i write that hydro
for high ghost yea i know
attention is short and lifes slow
inside all seeing eye's grow
I liked the "set sail for high hopes" because I think we all do that. Jumping in feet first, excited, not knowing the outcome of new ventures. The rhyming here from a technical standpoint is improved from earlier on, it reads almost train-of-thought wise while you were going and has a natural fluidity to it. MMLP had the edge from a technical standpoint, but I did enjoy that you came with the multies here. "I write that hydro" felt somewhat out of place midverse but other than that I was with it.


Quote:
a beating heart and a live soul
so i fly bold above streets and stores
between peaks and gorge
deep valleys where streams contour
My fave lines so far, by far, from you. This was dope. Gorge could maybe have been pluralised, but that's a minor point, streams contour was a dope multi also. You really upped it here from how you started off initially.

Quote:
grass so tall no basketball rim
can be seen from floor my ship sees it all
a man wonders seeming lost
dogs howl and lobsters eat fecal moss
connected with 4 faces unglued
as a farmers plants his food
our fathers pray to offer dues
mother breast feeds near small monsoons
anaconda's sliver like quicksilver in a glass maze
a rain cloud burst thunder for the last days
better get that bag weighed..
Again here, I wasn't so sure this was about you personally like I first thought, but it could be. I envisoned a drug dealer, maybe, with how the "mother" supplies the smaller beings. The snakes being those turning against you. The thunder burst being gun shots, possibly, and the 'get that bag weighed' had obvious conoctations. I could be wrong, but thats what I gleaned from it.

Quote:
my purpose is to call it first
your world is all reversed
i saw it merge with forces above the earth
but my body's like kill him worse
he hurt us all lucifers fall
fill up my tank in Jupiters hall
im the coolest of all
mystic mansion sailing on starboard bow's
inhale the expanding winds
breathe of spirit guides the course
but no mini golf fan can catch this spin...
"I'm the coolest of all" seemed out of place here, almost braggodocio flexing mid verse to me, which is good for Open Mic but feels odd in this competitive format. You know? The last four again seemed very relevant, I even enjoyed the mini golf fan line at the end which was more punchline-like than we usually see in these leagues. Thanks for dropping @brokenhal0

After those two lengthy breakdowns, I feel like MMLP has the win here with more technical skills shown right throughout - where hal0 had some patches where he was off and on - I also liked brokenhal0's more abstract and metaphorical take to his picture that made it self-reflective (or at least, to me) but the direct transition of MMLP's take and how he built up this weird scenario around it showed the more creativity and originality (to me) even if I did feel a bit lost towards the end, it wasn't enough lines to the point where I didn't feel I had any idea what was going on, and aside from that point his verse had more qualities I look for and strive toward in my own writing so for that reason I have him winning this week.

Good battle, guys! Hope you appreciate the feedback! The guys that no-showed really missed out this week because you won't find this amount of feedback anywhere on the site, even in the OM forum, so it's well worth sticking around. Keep those pens moving!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Just C View Post
I can't lie though man you got a nice looking dick. threat of hands rescinded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ouch View Post
I bet a lot of babies could be made with that.. thats some porn star status
he must eat a lot of asparagus

Last edited by sraL; 02-15-2019 at 07:16 AM.
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Old 02-18-2019, 11:11 PM   #6
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I gone through these verses and it is a shame that the subject matter differed, for the simply fact that I don't believe it gives a fair share to the matter at hand. Broken's verse is based on an abstraction while MMLP's verse is based on an interpretation. Broken had made many strong points as well as brought hard hitting lines with fully automatic flows venture off in short segments. MMLP's verse on the other hand drew me in anticipating the next line to figure out where it was going and constantly questioning what exactly was going on??? In regards to engaging one into a topic MMLP had an edge and twisted it, Broken's verse had the battle oriented domineering angle which presented his lyrical prowess but the subject abstraction can be interpreted in many ways. I believe to give and fully fair assessment the subject should be the same. With that being said, I will give the edge to MMLP for pulling me in and peaking more my interest.
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Last edited by Master Rock; 02-23-2019 at 12:26 AM.
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Old 02-23-2019, 12:25 AM   #7
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^Updated vote.
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