07-03-2013, 11:05 AM | #1 |
...DA GAWD...
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Told of Fame
Temple of doom my mind only resumes to be coherent,
Half the world cares for merits that dresses their own appearance. See- We were told as the youngest of sons to carry the torch, But more than a plus percentage has only carried remorse. How is one better for courage when the past is forced, Then life hits and your at the bottom- taking the crash course. Folding the pressure- no seat open to stay for the lecture, Time is the sand the lessens each grasp flexed as a gesture. Passive aggression which seems to only pass the aggressor, Taking action is questioned when clawing to the top is measured. "The hardest part is not letting go It's what your leaving behind" Now frank only knew how to fend thru the trenches, Leaving fences half bent cause he'd shoulder down the defenses. Minus the classic pretenses- he felt pushed to acceptance, From being one with neglect.. now giving up knowing none who he was friends with... Simply selling the essence to gain claps and unknown satchels, Kept his chin tucked in the gallows of a discreet betrayal pattern. Rode along with the masses and circled the globe like Saturn, But just like the planet he stays at a distance from -warmth in the shadows. Never tending to who truly cared only witnessed life being robbed, So he followed like chalk, outlining every chance that he got. Noticed the scrutiny that battled for him being amended w/ props, The act was over, CUT and take two... Now the actor was shot. Killed the buzz over night and left the relief pill on the desk, He said it'd be hard to swallow but his life was already a mess. No one cared to see that note so how's one to confess, When his life was like that paper- written then crumpled and never addressed. Frank lived for the fame but never for the attention he asked, So his life was crystal clear till someone took a swing and shattered that glass. Sorry just trying to shake the rust off.....
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WP Po'ethics Last edited by Spoken; 07-03-2013 at 11:27 AM. |
07-03-2013, 11:15 AM | #2 |
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I liked this man, i'll break it down a bit over lunch. stay up
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07-03-2013, 12:40 PM | #4 |
Tsk Tsk
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@ work. Read a few bars so nice start. Will hit more depth later.
But what alias is this yo? Respond or die slow. And its @TopicalDood5 Gee!
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR |
07-04-2013, 01:54 AM | #6 |
...DA GAWD...
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Bump
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WP Po'ethics |
07-04-2013, 02:24 AM | #7 |
Don't believe the hype
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I got you friend.
Bout to fall asleep tho. Book marked this joint. dead at the replies so far.lol
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What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope. Last edited by Coup; 07-04-2013 at 02:28 AM. |
07-04-2013, 08:12 PM | #8 | ||||
Don't believe the hype
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you were talking about a lot in this written and I have no idea what to anchor it to...whatever you are about to say to me in your next post as to what this was about: it should have been woven and established in this text. This was a middle of something I feel you left out, like a time, place, reason or a concept that was clear. This whole piece just felt incomplete and confused. I guess this sums it up, but rather cheaply cos the main body was a bit all over the place: Quote:
decent flow...this was not so hot for example: Quote:
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What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope. Last edited by Coup; 07-04-2013 at 10:02 PM. |
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07-05-2013, 09:55 AM | #9 |
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Pretty entertaining and nice writing, only criticism is the mixing between third person meta-view (first paragraph) and storytelling of a specific character (second paragraph). Can't really say which part felt stronger, they were equally good. Perhaps it would have been more focused and stronger if you had gone for a either/or approach. Some good liners and thoughts presented well, but it is slightly weakened by a lack of unifying focus from mixing between the two writing perspectives.
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07-05-2013, 10:46 PM | #10 |
...DA GAWD...
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Yeah I feel you... Still adjusting to trying to keep it on a one perspective approach but with a wild array of views of how to see it
Thanks @zygote @Genocide feed me bitch lol @Just Write I'm still waiting even @Adonis lol
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07-05-2013, 11:07 PM | #11 | |
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my bad, i forgot lol
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overall i enjoyed this, you have a good grasp on descriptiveness without substituting vocab, illy piece brethren. stay up
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07-06-2013, 06:17 PM | #12 |
...DA GAWD...
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Bump
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WP Po'ethics |
07-09-2013, 01:33 AM | #13 | |||||||
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
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