07-24-2018, 09:40 PM | #1 | |
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If Death Becomes Us
Topical Battle Verse...
If Death Becomes Us
"...and trust me when I say that I speak from a place of experience." "Really? I'm curious..." "Well, Billy I'm serious.Take the sunrise for instance or the way the sunshine just glistens in the early morning." "Well, normally I'm snoring when that happens." "Then I'll warn you with a passion, to ignore it would be tragic, cause you'll mourn it in its absence, both its warmth and its magic." "Perhaps..." "No, it's facts. kid I tell you what I know. You will miss the helios when your soul burns low and you're left without a glow to rid the sha·dows." "Yeah, I guess that's sorta sad..." "You don't even know the half of my nightly hardships. Have you ever had spaghetti without spicy garlic? Not only is it trash it's like biting armpits with a heightened sense of taste on a plate of garbage." "Well, pardon my assumptions but I thought you drank blood and ate the carcass of your victim like a real fanger does." "You racist little cunt. I have never drunk a cup I'm disgusted by the musk. Plus I suffer from a ton of hemo·pho·bia" "Yo, Vlad, what the fuck!?! How the hell you scared of blood? That's like rats scared of crumbs, or a jackle scared to hunt, or a bat scared to suck the plasma outta a bug." "Yeah, I know, I'm so ashamed. But I was once a human too and some traits never change." "Then how do you sustain?" "Cause I'm kinda "undead". I don't really need to eat unlike what Hollywood says." "Then most of it's a lie?" "Oh no most of it's for real. Take for instance I'm a Christian, but the holy water peels my skin to the bone; and a cross or rosary that is pressed to my skull will cause me to explode into a million little chunks of some nos·fer·atu guts." "Yuck!" Yeah, it sucks. But it's only just a fraction. Close your eyes and imagine tryna doze off in a casket; or live death in total blackness. It's emotional and tragic watching friends turn to ghost as their corpses turn to ashes." "Boy, eternity is savage..." "And it rapidly gets old... spending ten thousand years unhappily alone." "Can't imagine what you've witnessed on your trips around the globe." "I've seen Sodom & Gamora and the pharohs come and go. Seen the wickedness of priest and some demons turn to popes; and I know the CEOs of the major corporations are really "blood suckers" with vampirical relations." "Ay, Vlad I'd like to thank you for this gracious information." "You should take it then consider all the danger you'll be placed in, if Lilith bites your neck at the i·niti·a·tion banquet." "But, fangs and stay ageless? That sounds pretty cool." "Then a stake to the heart does await you young fool. Don't be easily seduced, cause this death is for the damned, bedeviled and the doomed." "Yeeeeeah, I'll see you when the Moon finally turns red and it's time for me to choose." "I'll be waiting for you to and I pray you don't confuse Hollywood movies with the anguish of the tomb." "Yet, I'm anxious to pursue..." "Then I bid you adieu as your desecration looms." Cast: Billy&Vlad Topic:"You are turned into a vampire. How do you go on with your life?"
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07-26-2018, 03:11 AM | #2 |
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Have you ever considered being original or creative??
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
07-26-2018, 08:06 AM | #3 |
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If you barely contribute to the site we don’t need your only commentary to come from the depressed emo pansy side of you. Shut the hell up. You’re irrelevant.
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Too Rich IRL to Be Here. I'm Out.
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07-26-2018, 09:53 AM | #4 |
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
07-26-2018, 02:38 PM | #5 | |
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07-30-2018, 12:15 AM | #6 |
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@Aero...your spot on, Pan's just a waste of Euro space here...dude think he some God smh.
Anyways...I hate the font color usage you fucks with man, Idk...just find it really annoyin' tbh. This was nice, (Sorry can't quote on a phone) but imagery & emotion wise it's slick...Love how you effortlessly pull readers in thru content, 'cause even though your multies really rip the flow anally apart, it's what you say that captures an audience...imo. Great stuff @ACTIVATE SELF. |
07-30-2018, 01:08 AM | #7 | |
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I wrote this verse for a battle I had on another site. Their forum's default color is a black and bluish gray skin. If you change your NC skin to a similar scheme the font/color will look 10x better than it does on the standard lime setting. In any case, thanks for the read and the feed, Ex. I'll hit your latest piece up sometime manana.
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07-30-2018, 02:55 AM | #8 |
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Get @ shit whenever my brother...I respect any comments left by you.
Uppin' this for some constructive feed please. |
07-31-2018, 07:25 PM | #9 | |
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Uppin' this for some more feed.
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
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08-03-2018, 11:05 PM | #10 |
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Broadly,
you have a real problem with expositional dialogue in this piece, and I would assume in most similar pieces you write. Billy is a complete non-entity used to propel your next piece of interested (not interesting) writing. An absolute nothing, like a bad use of audience stand in. An audience stand in that comes to an unwritten play asking the playwrite to create broad templates spontaneously. Your broad allusions, such as Vlad, Sodom/Gomorrah, etc. don't work. You're using these touchstones of the subject and trying to subvert them with a conversational tone but for me it doesn't land. Maybe because the subversion is so obviously the point? Like, he isn't named Vlad until about a third through the piece. Crazy cool, its Vlad. Wow. Then the Hollywood line, which you didn't earn, trying to go meta within a subversion when you didnt get to covering first base. Losing my train of thought. Exposition, as the main crux. So the whole creativity of the piece is supposed to be an interview with the vampire. Which has never been done in media before. Ever. And you're trying to land this broad fucking 0 of an end point, without doing anything interesting. It reads like a parable written 2000 years too late. If the message isn't spectacular then spice it the fuck up with writing. Specifically, the dashes to emphasize rhyming are groan inducing. This comes to a larger issue I have with your writing; trust the fucking reader. We dont need a special font, centering, goddamn overused ellipses, centering, or CHANGING THE SKIN COLOR OF A WEBSITE to get your tone. And if we do then you failed. Because if you need all that to generate a tone then go into graphic design or a time machine back to 2005. Its insulting. God damn those fucking ellipses bro. Drop them after curious and perhaps and it reads a thousand times better. Dont try to make me interested by trying to make your interviewer interested. I like the spaghetti line. The use of cunt was solid.
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
08-04-2018, 02:54 AM | #11 | |
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=)
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