WEEK SIX CONTENDER MATCH: BROKENHAL0 (3-2) vs MASTER ROCK (3-2) ROCK WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SIX, HALFWAY POINT @brokenhal0 @Master Rock

Verse Due: FRIDAY MAY 6TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are keywords selected from a randomized generator.

Topic:
BRAINSTORM


GOOD LUCK

[Master Rock]

Be easy on me.

[brokenhal0]

BRAINSTORM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV0_fmVLcJk

Stumbling through a shopping center
scavenging for food and beverages
eating free peppermints at diner entrances
endless images appear in mental messages telekinetic grips
two rude middle-aged lesbians wearing fanny packs and leopard prints
notice my menacing look and get hesitant of my hostile temperament
this bitch keeps complaining and I'm gonna put a end to it
speaking loud about how they are disgusted by my meddling behavior
that's when I angrily glare and scream so loud they fall over chairs
looking at me with befuddled stares blood dripped from they're ears
going through the motions she start's shaking going into convulsions
her spine bent inverted a crowd gathered getting nervous
the smell of balloons and hamburgers over the open air surface
by the frozen yogurt truck shoppers ran for cover holding their sodas
her head rotates around her shoulders I noticed a child gazing smiling and waving
Two men in trench coats start chasing as her body start's disintegrating
levitating over the food court I can hear the sirens breaking

Running as quick I can burst through a glass door and proceed to hot wire a van
that's when I felt a something hit the back of my hand
Feeling scared with adrenaline next thing I know a tranquilizer settles in
before I can put pressure on the peddle then
my eyes get heavy like heroin I open the door stumbling
collapse next to the side of a dodge charger with its engine rumbling.

I wake up strapped to a bed feel like I got whacked in the head
back from the dead in a abandoned warehouse a mad scientist
questions my where bout's out for hour's feeling like a dreary cloud
he puts a flashlight in my eyes and repeats can you hear me now
I keep quite knowing I can read his thoughts in the sound of silence
in your head voices grow louder between the rounds of violence.

That's when he grabs his ears and growled the pain infects like a virus
the shock will hit em like electric chair executions during a prison riot
uninterrupted thinking scanner brain you ever question who's under your eyelids.

Screaming for the nurse strapped nude to my bed
she enters the room with some men as I continue thrashing
side to side my eyes are wide foaming out the mouth like I ingested cyanide
throbbing veins in my neck as I let out a cry
staring at the side of her dress she injects me with Valium
but that won't lower the volume inside of the nest.

My mood gets deep rest in deep states I depressurize and depress
I asks for a volunteer to display such an elite edge
the room was full of senators religious leaders and heads of show biz

A crash course in direct focus they all came to see if my powers where bogus
a man approaches I gazed toward the tip of his nose
focusing my attention in rhythms and droves as his head starts shaking
blood pours out of his nose like it came out a hose
seconds later his brain explodes like soaking rain I'm home again
showers raining blood still buzzed from being pumped with anti psychotics & opium

As the nurses scream there voices crack
I untie my straps by dislocating my wrist behind my back
tackle a soldier before he can find the time to scrap
grab his gun point at the staff shoot him in the leg like a wounded giraffe
I run into a bathroom and break a broomstick in half

Wedge it against the door as I hear them kick some more
giving me time to hold them off while I squeeze out the window
scrape my shoulder on glass as I hit the floor
In the middle of nowhere all I see is stalks of corn
brainstorm cause these times are far from normal.....TO BE CONT...

[Master Rock]

I Glimpse on high, at the hemispheres divide
while I peep inside my mind
and witness the synapses blazing paths from side to side,
so I read in between those lines
of communication, these signals fire inciting my sensation embracing
my quantum leaps into perception's dimensional of insight it leaks
bursting through the amniotic fluid seep, now it's born, so I write
my life decisions pulling apart my mind at both ends until the seams are torn
I stitch the split upon its rips, tethered to pieces but yet I'm left tortured and worn,
while my body twitches to the irregularities but somehow, I conform
these endorphins rush the temple of pain as they steadily forming
fluids flushing through the snip of silver cord
spinal tap, astral trip
jolted wide awake out of the window gazing into the dip of black-eyed children in an endless field full of corn
sip the cold stares as I go down deeper, Alice wonders who's really a sleeper
disturbed is one of my features beyond the norm
dripping to where I lie infernos rise and form, I feel the heat from the ground crying in the eye of the storm
the Kings question the white rabbit's stride, shadows, and reapers scorn taken for size
I scribe messages in bottles and toss them into the wave of oceans rise and watch them forn
I hear the 7 trumpets of revelations sounding off their horns
as the heavens opened up, I saw the brilliant divide, I shot out of the earth and torched the sky,
disrupting heaven's army's intent to devise,
Realize I'm here to extinguish the dragon's devious lies
Strike the battle ax at halo's shattered, that's for the fall of man
scorned stomped to the ground out of heaven bolts the lightning
warned of my hail chaos in this astronomical storm
figuring why, I fight with darkness in the still of the night
abstraction's fate it collides paradox
This is where I draw the line formulated agents binds
combat I grapple in Kombat with the madness until its cold
mutilated
I chipped away halo's problems fold
file down their horns blows get traded
ideas slip the colors drip and faded technique perfective
my street, my lane, I roll, I skate circles around deities' claims
the map terrains
strangulation
The ideas creep in
I stare into space
the waves cause my reality to spin
suspend my beliefs I vibrate frequencies
while grinding my teeth
I talk to myself but who's turn to speak
I discuss the matter a hand
I look in every direction so many plans
one concept at time abstract design
a beautiful mess refined in this structural bind

[Frank]

brokenhal0

Gripping write-up about a psych ward like mental patient on the loose creating chaos. I wanted to know more about the Two Lesbians. (maybe one gives brain.) I was left wondering about them and as to why there weren't more specific details about them? (maybe they use the neutralizing devices on there pussy after they beam your brain with it). Maybe the shock waves send pulsations through them instead, that make them crave a penis inside them? Either way, these Lesbian Nurses needed more play/involvement/character build up, because they weren't just Nurses, these was "Lesbian Nurses."
In all seriousness, this critique would be totally irrelevant, if it weren't for you peaking my interest, as some voyeur of Lesbian smut. You kind-of sort-of left us hanging out to dry, by not disclosing more information about them!
Once I got passed those lesbians, I thought the flow was on point. I did notice that you dialed it down this week and zeroed in on a more linear submission (without too many detours/distractions).
I liked these couplets

the smell of balloons and hamburgers over the open air surface
by the frozen yogurt truck shoppers ran for cover holding their sodas

I wake up strapped to a bed feel like I got whacked in the head
back from the dead in a abandoned warehouse a mad scientist
questions my where bout's out for hour's feeling like a dreary cloud
he puts a flashlight in my eyes and repeats can you hear me now

I see you chose to completely void your verses of punctuation. I believe this style worked for you, because of the overall premise. I thought that having zero commas and no punctuation marks added some authenticity and believability to this haywire story line. The overall execution was alright, just not that original. Just a typical, straight forward mindless zombie type.
I would've been more interested if you would've explored the Lesbian Nurses more and went with it more in that direction. As it stands now, there really is no reason to continue your story, unless you can somehow make it more about the Lesbian Nurses.

Master Rock

Abstract. Reminded me a bit of somewhat of a etch-a-sketch approach? You described a thought pattern, in a perplexing manner. As I leisurely read it, I found it rather intriguing that I couldn't decipher it clearly or fully comprehend what was being written. And I found that interesting because of how this sense pertained to the topic. It was challenging to get through coherently. Very unorthodox. I couldn't really understand what was being conveyed, on a surface level, but I understood where you were coming from, from an abstract viewpoint. Some highlights for me were

fluids flushing through the snip of silver cord
spinal tap, astral trip
jolted wide awake out of the window gazing into the dip of black-eyed children in an endless field full of corn

Strike the battle ax at halo's shattered, that's for the fall of man
scorned stomped to the ground out of heaven bolts the lightning
warned of my hail chaos in this astronomical storm

Close conflict. I really had trouble deciding. I found it odd that both verses talked about CORN?

The deciding factor was: I couldn't really get one of the verses, and I ultimately felt more of a need to "brain storm" to try and figure it out.

MVGT Master Rock

[NYCSPITZ]

Halo’s was pretty much a topical fanfiction of the cult movie scanners which I did actually enjoy, so I enjoyed the verse. Thought there were some original twists and whatnot but you’re deducted points for going too close to the movie imo. However I can’t lie I enjoyed the verse

Rock was a cool verse man, I enjoyed your take more from a topical perspective. You get pretty meta here and I was digging following the clues and letting my mind explore your realm. The one thing I’ll say is there was some clumsy execution of bars like “abstraction’s fate it collides paradox”. There were a few instances of other irregularities but you needed a comma after collides to make it work otherwise you’d need an adverb. Like, collided extravagantly, or something.

Either way I liked elements of both but I’ll give it to halo for cleaner execution. You got lucky cuz I like the movie scanners, a more well executed version of master rock’s would have garnered my vote

Vote - halo

[Dominate]

Halo,
A more linear story than what I'm used to seeing from you and for me that was a big improvement. I don't mean say that you have to conform to that format to write well, but it is one way for all your bars to be working together which I've felt has been lacking in previous pieces of yours. So yeah, for me this was one of your strongest entries this season. And you still brought your usual flair for painting the details of a scene. The sights, sounds, smells. Really good. I liked the take on the topic - a character with something like an Eleven from Stranger Things power, but more nefarious. I wasn't totally clear if your character was intentionally doing these evil acts or if he/she was a victim of some power they couldn't control. I think the former but maybe some lines that gave us some more insight into the character's thoughts here and there would have helped clarify. My biggest gripe though was that I was enjoying the story and then it just stopped really abruptly. Like not in an end-of-episode cliffhanger type of way, it was like if you're watching TV and suddenly the power goes out right in the middle of a scene. A little unsatisfying to have a lack of ending but I did enjoy the beginning and middle of the story you wrote and thought it was a cool take on the topic. Good work.


MR,
I liked this take too. Literally describing your brainstorm of what to write in this battle against hal0 but in a voice like you're watching your own brain do it. Meta af. The beginning few lines especially, describing what's going on physically/chemically I thought were super dope. I'm not up enough on neurology to know if what you wrote is legit but it definitely sounded good. Also thought your closing line - "a beautiful mess refined in this structural bind" was a perfect descriptor to sum up what you wrote about. This was less emotion driven and more abstract and colourful compared to what I'm used to seeing from you, cool to see you branch out and experiment with another genre here. That middle section became very abstract and I didn't really follow everything, but I think you did a good enough job of setting up the idea of "brainstorming" that a bunch of random and disconnected ideas actually made sense here, so I could dig it. There were some issues here and there with coherence at a more micro level though which were jarring. It's mostly grammatical things - some missing punctuation (which Halo does too) but that doesn't bother me as much as the instances where your nouns/verbs/adjectives/adverbs just aren't assembled into a structure that conforms to the rules of language. For example, "perception's dimensional of insight" should be "perception's dimension of insight" or "perception's dimensional insight". That's aside from deciphering the meaning of the fragment - what is perception's dimensional insight? - but I'm more cool with that as a valid stylistic choice. Something abstract/poetic/interesting that the reader can pause to consider and ascribe their own meaning to. It's not my personal preference - I like to just read and understand, with the writer having done the work of conveying meaning and intention already, but it's not "bad", per se. Overall though this was a very cool take on the topic and there was a lot here I did like here. Good job man.


So the reason I didn't vote on this a couple days ago when I did my other votes was that I found it really hard to pick a winner here. Figured I'd give it some time to marinate and maybe that would help, but honestly it hasn't really. I really could go either way on this. I think objectively these are two pretty evenly matched pieces in terms of quality of writing. Subjectively though, in terms of enjoyment of reading I slightly preferred Halo's more tangible approach. Voting for him.

[Objective]

Master Rock: I like the concept of brainstorm being an actual storm residing inside while also bringing a stream of consciousness into the mix. Even tho in some areas I feel it's not as polished it's still abstract and sticking to the topic in an interesting way. Some things I like more than others, like scribing messages in bottles and watching the oceans rise. I like thought of dropping something out there and then seeing it take on a different form of its own. Don't know if it's intentional or not, but I like writing that makes me think and creates an image of its own. The closure from "The ideas creep in" and to the end was cool, the speaking to yourself despite saying earlier you're reaching out. I feel like this piece captivates the topic.

Brokenhal0: Tbf I don't really get where you're taking me with the first stanza. You meanmugging some rude lesbians at a shopping center. My guess is you're taking the topic literally and blurt out whatever story you can think of, hope it's leading somewhere substantial though. Definitely a wild story with the tranquilizer stuff, sounds like a fever dream. As I keep reading about the mad scientist and your character being able to read minds it's definitely "brainstorm" taken literally. "shoot him in the leg like a wounded giraffe" makes not that much sense to me but I digress.

Vote: My vote goes to Master Rock.

Brokenhal0 went a pretty wild route this time around. The story is entertaining but didn't really evoke much emotion in me. He took the topic literally and just went with a story to captivate the atmosphere of a brainstorming session. Master Rock added a bit more emotion to his piece and I cared more about the character in his piece.

If Brokenhal0's story lead to something more substantial and deep rooted rather than just saying something and going with it like a wild dream I'd probably vote for him as his rhymeschemes and overall writing were more on point to me, but as it stands now it's a bit too over the place for me whereas Master Rock had a bit more depth to his piece and ends up getting my vote.

[Candy]

Broken:

very one flew over the cocos nest i like the valium part cause im big on name drops that are of what you personally like ingesting like the whole food segment that ran for like two lines of just pure taste cool cool.. the virus/eyelids section was dope to.. i like that there could possibly be a second part.. all in all in was structured well and was flowed for itself well and vocab done well.. story wise it was cool prolly the best part of it.. thanks..

master:
this was really my cup of tea.. dude it was like if you was in brokenhalos head but with pretty insane and insanely pretty pov.. it was dope all around and it wasnt even line for line it was word for word was just so pretty.. very colourful and descriptive i love that you went that internal.. the story the was more of an enveloping discovery of oneself more then a story it was really engaging.. and i dont want to be like all bias but the alice part really sold me..

vote = master rock

it was dope all round gl guys next round xoxo