writin' 'bout writing again

Pharaohs Army · 08-12-2014, 07:45 PM

,

Split · 08-12-2014, 10:18 PM

haha cool verse. I liked how you pretty much freestyled it... not in the sense that, oh, I did this in 1 minute 13 seconds be impressed- but you just let your thoughts come to you. as you wrote. Your concepts & wording will flourish.

schemes and rhymes were very underplayed but I don't mind tbh. I just like reading thoughts & the better they flow the more i enjoy them. I liked the Zapruder film line for no real reason.

off of that, I guess my constructive criticism for the day would be to make sure you emphasize your rhymes well, like matching the cadence/ rhythm of your writing to how your syllables line up and whatnot

Overall it was cool, light-hearted, and it'll be interesting to read your pieces in the future

thanks for the feedback, very much appreciated

DexLabb · 08-12-2014, 10:24 PM

i like a handful of your rhymes, you have pieces of eminem ingrained in ur flow. that being said, this shit is psychobabble with no point. do something meaningful or has meaning to someone

big baby · 08-12-2014, 10:27 PM

split fuck you i write everything in 1 mintue 13 seconds you stupid bish thats y we dont even like u we as in ppl

Pharaohs Army · 08-13-2014, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Split

... I liked how you pretty much freestyled it... not in the sense that, oh, I did this in 1 minute 13 seconds be impressed- but...

Who says that I didn't do it in 1:13?
Haha, kiddn'. I know whatchu mean.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Split

schemes and rhymes were very underplayed but I don't mind tbh.

true.
i threw in a few wild cards
(i.e. "Cynical / Imagery / Twitching De [capitated body])
but def, there were a lot of simple ones.
thank you for the feedback & rhythm advice.
-----------
@DexLabb,
you're right, it is a bit babbly. funny you should say it, emcee squared told me the exact same thing once:
"spare me your psycho-babble, this is not a parlor". Lol.
although it's goofy, just about everything is true. Except for the part about clear-weather sailing and AK47s, the rest is not made up at all. Even the nightmare I referenced just recently did happen.
But for sure, I understand that truth doesn't inherently make it meaningful. And perhaps makes it more pathetic (comically i would hope). ha.

UnbornBuddha · 08-13-2014, 07:29 PM

This was a quaint piece. The scheme of things seemed a bit all over the place. It would be easier on the mind's eye if you lined up the bars, as they call it, in more close proximity to each other. This of course entails one to forget the besetting of every idea in one's mind, and instead formulate a more strict disciplined way of conjuring up the jousting of one's lexicon. This of course has a requisite of polishing more closely the lines that sprung from one's stream of consciousness. If this isn't all too clear, in simple words make sure everything has a form to it. This tangibility can still retain the free spiritedness you love to write in, and encompass. In fact one could say that the best of both worlds embodies the void in the materialized aspect of one's art. Creativity is essentially formless, an abstract sketch of inspiration that trickles from above making one pursue an ever ensuing search for perfection.
The medium for hip hop scripters is of course the lyrics. Give more shape to your creativity, but in shaping it don't lose the essence of this creativity.
Thank you.

Zen · 08-13-2014, 07:36 PM

You're my favorite from the spokenvswritten bunch. You've got a sense of humor and don't really give a fuck. That's good, the whole "don't take me seriously" approach. It works in your writing. Especially the section where you started talking about rhyming family with funny, and how sad lines make you laugh. That's good.

The writing itself though, never was something that I looked at and considered it "great". I'm sure this was a keystyle, but I'd like to read something more fleshed out from you than these keystyles, holmes.

Pharaohs Army · 08-13-2014, 08:25 PM

,

Pharaohs Army · 08-13-2014, 08:41 PM

@UnbornBuddha

thanks. i do know what you mean. about keeping creative while still shaping it better.

so, not to minimize your mind's eye comment, but i think all that would take is to "break it up" less often.. which would involve either the delete or backspace key, without even doing much "changing"... not everyone has your "breath" bro

Zen · 08-13-2014, 08:46 PM

Well, saying it would sound good to a beat while posting text is kinda, idk, meaningless lol. Allot of posts here would sound great as a track, but that mostly depends on delivery. As a reader I can't see your delivery on a track, I can only read what you wrote. If you want this to be taken as something you can rap, well, fucking rap it lol. That's no offense either, I'm just my two cents.

Pharaohs Army · 08-13-2014, 09:16 PM

@Zen
Lmao na you're right.
"i've got a family member who makes music". lol

08-12-2014, 07:45 PM	#1
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	writin' 'bout writing again , Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 07-13-2016 at 08:13 PM.

08-12-2014, 10:18 PM	#2
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,904 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899395	haha cool verse. I liked how you pretty much freestyled it... not in the sense that, oh, I did this in 1 minute 13 seconds be impressed- but you just let your thoughts come to you. as you wrote. Your concepts & wording will flourish. schemes and rhymes were very underplayed but I don't mind tbh. I just like reading thoughts & the better they flow the more i enjoy them. I liked the Zapruder film line for no real reason. off of that, I guess my constructive criticism for the day would be to make sure you emphasize your rhymes well, like matching the cadence/ rhythm of your writing to how your syllables line up and whatnot Overall it was cool, light-hearted, and it'll be interesting to read your pieces in the future thanks for the feedback, very much appreciated __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

08-12-2014, 10:24 PM	#3
DexLabb song genius Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 377 Rep Power: 0	i like a handful of your rhymes, you have pieces of eminem ingrained in ur flow. that being said, this shit is psychobabble with no point. do something meaningful or has meaning to someone __________________ ZOOM IN ON THAT ASS LIKE BINOCULARS

08-13-2014, 07:29 PM	#6
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	This was a quaint piece. The scheme of things seemed a bit all over the place. It would be easier on the mind's eye if you lined up the bars, as they call it, in more close proximity to each other. This of course entails one to forget the besetting of every idea in one's mind, and instead formulate a more strict disciplined way of conjuring up the jousting of one's lexicon. This of course has a requisite of polishing more closely the lines that sprung from one's stream of consciousness. If this isn't all too clear, in simple words make sure everything has a form to it. This tangibility can still retain the free spiritedness you love to write in, and encompass. In fact one could say that the best of both worlds embodies the void in the materialized aspect of one's art. Creativity is essentially formless, an abstract sketch of inspiration that trickles from above making one pursue an ever ensuing search for perfection. The medium for hip hop scripters is of course the lyrics. Give more shape to your creativity, but in shaping it don't lose the essence of this creativity. Thank you. Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 08-13-2014 at 07:37 PM.

08-13-2014, 08:25 PM	#8
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	, Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 07-13-2016 at 08:16 PM.

08-13-2014, 07:36 PM	#7
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	You're my favorite from the spokenvswritten bunch. You've got a sense of humor and don't really give a fuck. That's good, the whole "don't take me seriously" approach. It works in your writing. Especially the section where you started talking about rhyming family with funny, and how sad lines make you laugh. That's good. The writing itself though, never was something that I looked at and considered it "great". I'm sure this was a keystyle, but I'd like to read something more fleshed out from you than these keystyles, holmes.

08-13-2014, 08:41 PM	#9
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	@UnbornBuddha thanks. i do know what you mean. about keeping creative while still shaping it better. so, not to minimize your mind's eye comment, but i think all that would take is to "break it up" less often.. which would involve either the delete or backspace key, without even doing much "changing"... not everyone has your "breath" bro

08-13-2014, 08:46 PM	#10
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Well, saying it would sound good to a beat while posting text is kinda, idk, meaningless lol. Allot of posts here would sound great as a track, but that mostly depends on delivery. As a reader I can't see your delivery on a track, I can only read what you wrote. If you want this to be taken as something you can rap, well, fucking rap it lol. That's no offense either, I'm just my two cents.

08-13-2014, 09:16 PM	#11
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	@Zen Lmao na you're right. "i've got a family member who makes music". lol Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 08-15-2014 at 05:38 PM.