WEEK THREE: CANDY (0-2) vs ADVERSE (0-0) ADVERSE WINS 5-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK THREE

Verse Due: SATURDAY APRIL 9TH @ 11:59PM EST
@Candy

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:


GOOD LUCK

[Adverse]

Checking in good luck

[Candy]

check g/l

votes:

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150373
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150376
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150375

[Candy]

we are americans
..

the soul of a lanterns ambers chanter mantras
on soilless landscapes draped on its banter canvas
earth optioned, a virgin word for virgin person
worship the escape that fathoms phantoms hurses
i kick up dust, the rocks - the rubble troubled
flesh flushed with pale goosebump, blood tugging like bubbles

THE UNKOWN

if there was a straight line and you fell,
then the existence of paradox's would help..
hell a belief or two would aid this venture forward
i course through the countering caper awkward
pure purpose left behind in the fires light of life
mountains recoil, contort and explode into jarred fright

keeping my lantern close i trudge through the nights sky
at this point<
...... i realize what if there is no end
this is what life is - a "black" hole engulfing men
yet i stand tall, step:after step - one edge in time
my mind expands with the scenery though none does shine
the forest becomes surreal - the air abstract
nothing
an existential beat through my flesh drives me to contract
yet no contact - this place is alive
soul owner
whether i call this place home or passing moment.....

forever it was the fork in the road that i walk
with my own two feet to get to where whats sure

uncertain as usual, a suspect of none - life drifts
yet all i know is straight lines will never touch ones wick

..
the end
..

[Adverse]

Wonder

She used to ponder what was right and wrong...
Questioning everything beneath the sun
During her exploration of rabbit holes and deep descents
She never even wondered where all the other people went...

Her favorite backdrop was with twilight in view
Yes, she loved the skies so blue
But there was something magnificent about dusk and the way God twisted it
His mighty hand made darkness out of the lightest hues
She enjoyed the magentas and lavender that were painted on the sunrise, too
But nothing matched when the black bleeds through
Every night she watched the sky accrue its nightly bruise
She knew what it was like to lose, knows less on what it’s like to live
Before she could even try to, it’s interrupted by unbridled ques
And when those internal voices bark, she has the LOUDEST heart
“You’re so lonely...”
Alone!? How could she be that when she was accompanied by a thousand stars
“Don’t you wonder who you really are? Wonder how you got this far?”
She disregards, yawns and stretches her arms higher than the mountains are

A girl with no history, no memory nor remnants
Born with no destiny but to merely exist in the present
She’s only 10, most would consider her lost yet she’s fine
The days that go by mean nothing when you’ve got no concept of time
No identity, not bound by the ball and chain of fate
She never worries about tomorrow because every day’s a clean slate
Where is she today? On an Amazon jungle cruise in the midst of June?
Or maybe she’s a NASA scientist, somewhere stranded on a distant moon
One day though soon, the monotony of life will start crushing her slowly
Reality will set in and society will complete its consumption of you wholly
But for now I let you dwell in the dreamland that you’re living in
I look at my daughter and smile...what I wouldn’t give to be a kid again

[Universe]

Candy:

This was much better than last week. Although your issues persist with awkward wording galore, I did appreciate the imagery here and connections to the topic. You lead us by the hand down a path with this one, and although at points we comprehended about as much as a foreign film with no subtitles, we still got little moments where we understood what you were going for. And sometimes when we did... those moments shone bright.

Highlights:

"keeping my lantern close i trudge through the nights sky
at this point<
...... i realize what if there is no end
this is what life is - a "black" hole engulfing men"

- A brief moment of introspection and perfect for the topic.

"an existential beat through my flesh drives me to contract
yet no contact - this place is alive
soul owner
whether i call this place home or passing moment....."

- Home or passing moment resonated with me. Good stuff.

Just give it more time to marinate next time please... I know you won't, but I'll still keep suggesting it.

You can be better.


Adverse:

First and foremost, good to see you back as a writer where you belong. Looking forward to this...

Yeah, this was what I expected. Deep and meaningful. Real. You always hit beats that no one else does in terms of emotion... I've always said you write better from a females perspective, or at least writing like you're talking to one, or a child even, and you proved it again. You should write a children's book or something.

Anyway, I think you and dead man are two of the most real writers on here, in terms of your honesty about yourself, the artform, and how you view others - It's all over your guys work. Love it.

If I had to give constructive feedback it would be to try to extend yourself passed the face value of the topic... Meaning, go beyond it and create something new story-wise. Your skillset allows you to dissect a topic poetically like few others, but I believe you're at your best when you use it as a springboard to something else. Although, honestly... that's mostly just a personal preference.

Highlights:

"Every night she watched the sky accrue its nightly bruise
She knew what it was like to lose, knows less on what it’s like to live
Before she could even try to, it’s interrupted by unbridled ques"

- I loved the nightly bruise part, really solid. Made me think the night is actually an injury and not just a transition lol. Super creative. The rest was poetry.

"Alone!? How could she be that when she was accompanied by a thousand stars
“Don’t you wonder who you really are? Wonder how you got this far?”
She disregards, yawns and stretches her arms higher than the mountains are"

- Imigination is king. Loved this part. Like reading a dream someone is trying to wake you up from. And reading it couldn't have been smoother despite the longer line length, which adds up to perfect word choices.

"One day though soon, the monotony of life will start crushing her slowly
Reality will set in and society will complete its consumption of you wholly
But for now I let you dwell in the dreamland that you’re living in
I look at my daughter and smile...what I wouldn’t give to be a kid again"

- Loved the sudden juxtaposition of this. It jarred me out of a dream state into the harsh reality that is life. Then ended on a great note. The entire final section was good but the ending was especially touching.

Candy showed up for this one, but Adverse is just superior in every category by the distance of about a thousand stars... or so.

Vote: Adverse

[Dominate]

Pretty picture. I’m starting all my votes from now on with a quick idea about what I might’ve written for the given topic. I hope other voters adopt the idea too, I really like reading others’ takes. For this one I probably would have used the picture as a jump off point for a story. Maybe some sort of sci fi element with the stars being such a focal point of the pic. Or if I felt up to writing something more introspective maybe the idea of being small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe.


Candy, - I thought this was your best verse so far that I’ve read. Large chunks of coherence! Especially towards the end of the verse. Towards the start there were the usual issues. I feel like you’ve actually got a great deal of raw talent, there are some really beautiful, poetic sentence fragments littered all throughout your verses. Just the way you connect them often turns them into something unintelligible. “the soul of a lanterns ambers chanter mantras” does not make any sense. I’m not sure which words are supposed to be nouns, which ones verbs, etc… but “the amber soul of a lantern” is a lovely descriptor. You could say “the amber soul of a lantern glows” and then you have a nice multi there too. “Chanter mantras” - ??? - maybe you meant “chants a mantra”? The meaning of an inanimate object chanting a mantra is lost on me though. How about, “The amber soul of a lantern glows. The holder chants a mantra.” ? There’s a grammatically correct, coherent line that still sounds pretty and has some rhymes. That’s how I’d fix line 1. Later in your verse you did get better. The lines Universe quoted are the ones I liked also.


Adverse - glad to see you finally jumping in to the league as a writer! The idea of “wonder” fit this picture perfectly and I loved the way the verse built to the idea of childlike wonder/innocence in particular. Some beautiful descriptors of the sky and it’s colours. I loved the whole segment from ‘twilight in view’ all the way through to ‘sky accrue it’s nightly bruise’. Impressive to hold the same rhyme scheme all the way through that passage too. “Nightly bruise” was sick. The final couplet was perfect. Good stuff man.

Candy stepped up considerably this week but still isn’t on the same level as Adverse.

V/ Ad

[brokenhal0]

Vote - Adverse


Not getting into details... Adverse had the tighter polished story im not one to be a grammer nazi but it helps the reader sometimes . candy if you fully fleshed out some sentences instead of cutting them short and tightened it up a bit in terms of sensory impact.. this would have been closer..candy you have a unique style but adverse was just a more complete MC this week good job both..

[Master Rock]

Man this was a pretty great on both sides. So let me talk about Candys verse Candy's verse took me into a very dark setting where I felt a bit lost in cold. He really put me into the environment. I love his unknown section of his writing, but the Americans opener wasn't as strong as the second chapter. Adverse on the other hand had just a very very interesting take on this. Taking part the imagination of a child and living in a daydream as though that's what it seems. Especially once he stated about the descents and then wondering where everyone went. That was the opener that literally was a sledgehammer to the glass shattering. And then the closer ending it was perfect. Brought me back with a smile. This was good on both sides but adverse definitely had to hat heavy weaponry here.

[Adonis]

Candy - I took this as a dudes going through a purgatory type realization or just thoughts while tripping out really. I enjoyed some of the wording, but I found much of it a bit cluttered. For instance, the very first line was just too wordy for me, kind of hard to catch a flow with so much going on. As far as the sceneray, I thoroughly enjoyed the journey. From mountains recoiling in the lanterns light to black holes, this was a journey of stream of thought in a sense, which fit your concept well. All in all, if i'm honest, not my favorite verse, but the highlights still outshined the negatives in my personal opinion so I enjoyed it nonetheless.

Adverse - So to me this is a girls immagentation, her just having fun in life, that innocent demeanor if you will. She could be dead, but the closer was about a father talking about her dreamland world. In any case, there were many things I enjoyed about this read. The back and forth with the inner voice was pretty powerful. Then comparing the sunset to a bruise was nice as well to name a couple. This was an immagery driven verse and I'd say you nailed that. Many vivid thoughts you painted me, much like your competitor so with that said...


vote - Adverse

To me, they were similar verses but where I felt Candy had some grammatical issues or at the very least hiccups in flow IMO, adverse had far less while also developing a rather vivid image in words, you both did this. I guess what I'm saying is I enjoyed them both but Ads just a bit more.