Aero vs Dominate

[Diablo]

Guerrilla Writing League

Solidify your spot with Guerrillas…


Topic:


Line Limit: 16-32
Check-In’s Due: Wednesday UK time
Verses Due: Friday UK time

@Aero
@Dominate

[Aero]

Check.

Dom let's set the line max at 30.

[Dominate]

Originally Posted by Aero

Check.

Dom let's set the line max at 30.

Instead of 32? Haha okay

[Aero]

Originally Posted by Dominate

Instead of 32? Haha okay

Hehehe 32 makes more sense.

[Diablo]

Verses due in 8 hours

[Dominate]

Ext.

But I’m really sorry, I’m probably going to show up with a ChatGPT written verse that I fed my idea into at best. I really planned on showing for this but something came up at the time when I had planned to get most of my writing done. All I’ve got left now is weekend which is family time. I really am sorry, esp to Lars after the effort that went into setting this up.

[Aero]

Originally Posted by Dominate

Ext.

But I’m really sorry, I’m probably going to show up with a ChatGPT written verse that I fed my idea into at best. I really planned on showing for this but something came up at the time when I had planned to get most of my writing done. All I’ve got left now is weekend which is family time. I really am sorry, esp to Lars after the effort that went into setting this up.

Lol he said Chatgpt! Can Chatgot do that? Wild if so.

[Dominate]

It can write to a standard that’s better than the worst topical writers you’ve seen here, but not much better than that. You’ll see, probably.

[Dominate]

Jenny wiped the counter, mind filled with dreams of a different life.
She felt restless, convinced she was meant for more than this provincial plight
of serving pancakes and filling coffee cups, every shift from six til five,
feigning pleasantries to every idiot who wouldn’t end up tipping right.
“Jenny??” Squealed a familiar voice. She felt a sudden premonition
She looked up and gasped, eyes widening in recognition.
"Oh, hey Elle. Long time no see. How've you been, girl?"
Elle flashed a confident smile. “You wouldn’t even believe, girl”
Her manner had changed even less than her beauty had
The same as she was in high school, plus designer shades and a Gucci bag
"I've been sooo great, Jenny. Life has been serving me well
ever since I switched jobs and started to work for myself.
I set my own hours, work where I want, - a total Boss Babe
and the money is crazyyyy. I’m talking lobster and caviar entrees.
I’m telling you, this job has transformed my life completely.”
Jenny leaned in closer, curiosity ripe and piquing.
"What do you DO??” She asked, barely daring to blink
“Oh, I sell quality products for a place called Prosperity Inc.
If you want, I can talk to my upline and tee up a meeting.”
"That sounds incredible, Elle! I’ll make sure to free up my evenings”
Mere days later, she signed on with Prosperity gratefully
Bought a starter inventory, paid the admin and training fees.
She pitched hard to her family, pushing the catalog on day one
Reached out to every Facebook friend she had with a “Hey, hun”
Months went by, Jenny's efforts to sell yielded little results
Doubt gnawed at her confidence, - surely this was her fault?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a new email tone
“OFFER: Exclusive training weekend with Prosperity’s CEO”
$499 to hear from top earners and learn all their tricks
"This is it," she murmured, a self-assured smirk on her lips.
She clicked confirm purchase. Here’s to a new beginning!
Then smiled with satisfaction at the life that she’d soon be living

[Aero]

*Aero's soon to be EX Wife Sends him a text*

{Aero. I want HALF in the DIVORCE OR ELSE!!!}


Aero's thought bubble (( ))




(( Remember that night when I came home late from work? What happened?




You throat breeder
Coke eater, compulsive nose bleeder
Success? I wanted it more
Came home found you unconscious, gummed to the floor.
HOE tactics
There's no way of forgiveness
Saw my bro's jacket
My coat rack sags with the weight of remembrance
He was my right hand
For five grand on my cluttered nightstand
He'd take the lifespan of another white man
Now he's fucking poor
From you I want nothing more
I went vertical, you got vertigo, drunken whore
What upset me dear
Your life is drugs, sex & beer
What do you know about hard work, blood, sweat & tears?

& that's exactly when the irony came to me
My wife sent me the video of me crying using anal beads ))




Aero text: {So, you said half?}

[symetrik]

mvgt Dom

topic: very "success" focused, leadership ensuring everyone makes it to the top (and if they don't, then leadership doesn't with the rope tied). kinda cool stuff to work with - the first half is a steep fucking climb, and once you're past it it gets a little more evened out (which for profit maybe not great, but for success and "struggle" is cool).

Dom:
looks like you got more in than you expected. kinda good tie to topic but kinda a twist which is cool - totally different direction than I would have gone, but I think it's still tied with the topic strongly and mlms are probably in everyone's life to some degree lol. good flow throughout, decent story throughout. solid work regardless if ai helped.

Aero:
I don't see it being tied to the topic and I tried tbh. goofy twist, strong flow, strong emotions, but the lack of cohesion with the topic wasn't a seller.

Overall:
Aero came with great flow and emotion to start, then petered off a bit for a weird goofy twist that came outta nowhere, but I couldn't identify the tie to the topic - maybe being tied to someone financially? Dom came with a twist on what I expected the topic to present as but they committed all the way through (and it was more of a "reverse" tie to the topic) so Dom takes the cake.

[Diablo]

I figured you both may like this one; leaning slightly towards Aero’s penchant for stocks and shares and tapping into a market he purportedly knows well while still leaving a lot to work with for Dominate who’s proven himself really adept for being able to take a given topic and flip it on its head somewhat. Let’s see what you guys did with it…

Dom: I’m glad you found the time to put something up, this was far better than I had imagined after your early post in the thread on available writing time. I thought this was a strong submission, perhaps the character of Jenny could have been developed further to ensure the reader was invested in what happened to her throughout the story as it unfolded but ultimately I’m also aware the line limits almost force your hand somewhat into forgo some of that in order for you to introduce them into the story early on in order to progress things along. I’m not hating. Lol. The writers voice here is superb, the dialogue and so forth is short, snappy and to the point, but it’s more than just that - this is very well written. The introduction of Prosperity Inc is fire (and I enjoyed its name also, that didn’t escape my notice don’t worry). The small things are all done exceptionally well with things like “Doubt gnawed at her confidence,” that says a great deal with so few words. It isn’t just a description of the events happening but one with great word choices and unique turns of phrase that make them standout when read. This was great from top to bottom. I think Certain would enjoy this a lot. You two should battle actually, stylistically it would be a good clash.

Aero: This was entertaining for sure, with the little added twist at the end, and as someone that’s done this a long time I can honestly appreciate the more comedic take a lot because it’s often under-utilised in these types of things. I actually enjoyed the shorter lined style, I can honestly say that, and it’s again refreshing to see given the little subgenre we’re in. I liked the opening line of “You throat breeder,” actually since it’s a great attention grabber and makes the reader want to carry on to find out what’s elicited that reaction. You may not have even intended that to do as well as it does, it might not have even been intentional - but it works. From a technical standpoint you toyed with the multi syllables also and I noticed that throughout, both those internals and externals at points. For what it’s worth I enjoyed “I went vertical, you got vertigo” also and thought that was pretty good. The humourous twist at the end was cool, and unexpected, your largest problems this week were A) Adopting to a more narrative type of storytelling, B) Going so few lines when compared to your opponents fleshed out piece (This felt a little light on storytelling elements as a result) and C) Dominate has proven himself to be more than adept in this format.

I hope you both stick around because I feel Aero is more than capable of ironing his record outfit he continues to take part. This one had a clear winner for me though with Dom taking several different categories by a wide margin in terms of both his idea, writers voice and overall execution.

[Scar]

Dom - cool verse my man. very relatable too. i've been solicited many times on Facebook to join those MLM stuff. even attended one meeting. it wasn't my thing but this verse conjured up those pretty pictures those meeting tends to front. this is the work of someone versed in these multi level marketing pyramid shit. i hope it faired better for you than me. the characterizations of the players in the verse were great too. there were bit of intrigue thrown in as im sure we were all curious on what this chick does. flow was clean and rhyming was great. great job.

Aero - this story is about a cheating wife who is blackmailing her homo exhusband for half of his shit. i dig it. it was a colorful whimsical piece and was the perfect contrast to Dominate's well planned verse. I enjoyed this verse alot because it was a nice sleight of hand done pretty well. if i was to asked for anything its explore more of the husbands exploit as the ending seemed slightly abrupt to me. funny but abrupt ha.

vote dominate this time around. i think he carefully crafted verse with that universal touch on me over this week. well done, boys.

[Dope girl]

Dom - had some solid and polished lines
Depth fresh and clean flow dope
Opener nice and smooth
AREO VERSE MADE ME LAUGH IT HAD GREAT SENSEOF Humor
Tough choice because both creative

Vote -Areo

[Master Rock]

Dom had me at Gucci bag
Aero lost me at anal beads
I loved both verses but anal beads killed me.
Aero almost had this with Dom slightly edging it out.
I'm going Dom for a more cohesive verse.