06-14-2020, 11:44 PM | #1 |
............
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 0 |
Ayo...
Meet Calvin, second marriage
Thirty year old man with a wife With an iron hand to her, he's really not suited for family life Meet her, Susanna Who's life is terror balanced with fright Brought a child into the marriage whom Calvin didn't like Meet Allen, six Now seein' karma's fallacy in strikes & Calvin's verbal abuse as talons in his mind Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts A tale so severe, his world's absurd & glum Withheld all the tears, achin' bones & burnin' lungs With burns & cuts, choked 'til respirations frantic Abuse & hates outstandin', desperation, panic How can you be free when violence is used to silence your pain? Confined & livin' out his childhood upbringin' in chains You'd think Susanna would open her eyes & start to see But no she's livin' life in perfect dysfunctional harmony As the years pass yo, Allen's now seventeen & arrives home to a well known scenario Calvin stands over Susanna, who's hand is raised to parry blows His eyes are glared emittin' a scary glow Starin' @ his next victim plannin' to carry on Fists raised, Allen's about to get beat again But suddenly his mind snaps, he'll never succumb or be weak again Calvin's surprised as he grabs his fist in midair, snarlin' "You're about to bleed you pig" Realisin' this young man's capability Of how he's about to cleave his wig But before he can speak, Allen's fists hail unleashed to kill A debt of blood long overdue, now he's received the bill Flames of inceration burns from Allen's vindication 'Cause with fists bruisin' bone he feels his liberation Calvin justified a violent stand, this man was vile & detestable Went from tyrant man with iron hand, to liein' as vegetable. |
06-15-2020, 03:25 AM | #2 | |
Shakespearian Dialect
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Brooklyn, NY --> Allentown, PA
Posts: 1,022
Battle Record: 0-3
Rep Power: 0 |
my fingers smell like ass dude, I was just scratching my ass.. shit rezee brb.. let me go to the bathroom righ quick and wash my hands.. I'll reply to this shortly..
|
06-15-2020, 04:04 AM | #3 | |
Shakespearian Dialect
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Brooklyn, NY --> Allentown, PA
Posts: 1,022
Battle Record: 0-3
Rep Power: 0 |
lol juss joking.. dope verse man.. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.. reminds me of something dope in the past I've read, just can't put my finger on it.. ;)
|
06-15-2020, 05:55 AM | #4 |
............
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 0 |
Lol...why do I even bother.
|
06-19-2020, 03:30 PM | #5 |
Storyteller
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 446
Battle Record: 8-4
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League
Rep Power: 5558443 |
A hard to tackle topic but you approached it with care and told a sad story which is sadly too often relatable. Some real stand out lines in here:
'Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts' 'How can you be free when violence is used to silence your pain?' Rhyme scheme was mostly on point, good multi's, a bit of awkward wording here and there but you kept the narrative focused from start to finish. Ever been in the GWL? I reckon you'd fit in pretty well over there. Nice work, keep posting. -6 |
06-23-2020, 01:30 AM | #6 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
Don't you DARE TELL ME you're not a topical writer again! Lol this was dope fam especially from a vocabulary and flow standpoint, honestly you told a good story here and though the concept might not be the freshest it was executed well my only complaint is you came out of the gates swinging and of sputtered towards the middle but the end made up for ir. Nice work my fav bit was
Meet Allen, six Now seein' karma's fallacy in strikes & Calvin's verbal abuse as talons in his mind Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts Keep spitting bro and also be a little more creative with your naming as that's what draws readers in there were 100 good names avaliable for this i don't think "Ayo..." Grabs attention or does justice to your piece |
06-23-2020, 04:29 AM | #7 |
............
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 0 |
Thank you ;) was gonna label it as 'Karma' but thought it was cliche, no one gives a fuck anyways...proud of myself tho, I wrote a topical & it came out ok...tried yo.
Gracias for the feed my friend. |
07-01-2020, 05:16 PM | #8 |
Everything's Connected
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 10178702 |
Yeah, one of your better pieces man. (Sorry it took so long to get to). Johnny 6 and Adverse pretty much covered the high's and low's. I would continue down the topical route if I were you and write from the heart instead of your swag shit.
I think you'll be surprised how much people open up to you if you let yourself open up first... They will care if you do, trust. Just look what's happening with this...
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future.. |
07-01-2020, 10:51 PM | #9 |
............
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 0 |
Appreciate the feed bro, I've taken everythin' that's been said onboard by everyone...Gracias for takin' time out to hit this up fam...I will still drop brag pieces though lol, just not as often.
|
07-23-2020, 02:50 AM | #10 |
White Earl
|
Up
__________________
-A.bove T.he R.est |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|