WEEK 7: Elfo vs brokenhal0 ELFO WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Elfo @brokenhal0


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Elfo]

Check

I guess it’s me vs no one. Haven’t seen a peep from Halo so I’m just going to drop the original verse I had for Ouch since he’s the one who signed up and conveniently came back the day after verses were due.

[Elfo]

Hennessea // Drownin' off this Wave

She said

I need some time n' space...
You needa find a place...
To turn shit around - figure shit out
& I couldn't concentrate
Bottles up bombs away
Bottom is calm today
Might jump in this ocean, unlimited floatin'
Won't even contemplate

...Til Ouch's girl seen me and now we on the...

Southside sippin' gin, mouths wide w/ a grin
Hashtag shit, all it took was pound signs - I was in
She get blackout drunk, end up wanna fight me
Til she noddin off & spillin liq up on my Nike's
Now its Henny on my checks, ventin' bout the day we met
Bitch addicted to me, callin me her cigarette
She really wasn't ready for this lowkey brazy wave shit
Sent her home wasted, copped some OG & blazed it
Hat on my head like Ne-Yo, I'm way deep in the Matrix
Takin daytrips eatin' Lays chips w/ a faded Jay Sudeikis
Typa shit I be on, she threw on my chain and swam
You can tell its your girl too, aint no ring on her hand
She threw it at me drunk, shit was scratched and hella fake
Rolled a 4 gram wood just so I could elevate
Shawty asked me for a date - I said she kinda loco
I don't call feds, if we on the corner I'm Kapono
She drownin off the wave, said she like it better
Still don't think its her? Zoom in on the sweater
It's so obvious she dig me, said she like the watch too
She came over straight edge now it's coke up in her nostrils

Please come save your girl, I've done all I can
I would lend a hand but I'm flexin on the Gram
Whip smoked up... Dior lenses foggy
Took em off and seen his bitch deepthroatin' for molly
Lotta pills up in that broad but now she turning blue
Kick back til she overdose just clowning with the crew
Found a note up in her shoe & seen what it said
"I'd still be w/ Ouch but he broke/ain't got no bread"

[brokenhal0]

How will an inconsistent swimmer surf during a tsunami
if the doctor reveals the antidote you wouldn't have no water in your body
The terminal pin bans a color underneath ocean sand a mermaid will hold your hand
dagon with a hat on great white with a death bite anglers with the best light
fish swim in delay above the intelligence school
these fish are perfected ocean or pool caspian jewel
A pedant violates the analogy words of psychology
A compound geology bows underneath an aged glance
sting ray swam in everglade palms on humids days gone
im swimming as hard as i can this wasn't part of the plan
the thoughts flooded my mind quicker then the water entering my lungs
i felt tension every muscle disconnecting at once reverse sweating
when do i say mutiny and jump overboard with the spiced cider
taking the captain with me, with faith walking on water is simply
a process of actions , intently ,placed on a split screen
whirlpool , hands up ,fuck you, save me , the waters salty
and I feel like a new born baby ,waterworld ,back to the womb
spiral life out the lagoon ,slimy creature
reassure the hypocrisy, the body washed ashore bloated
seaweed coated ,reassembling a baked jellied doughnut
curry odor,like a car battery ,zap the alternator, every algebra
drowning in alpha mode, beta delta wave caliber
seagulls gawk a way out the park, its polluted this far
its pretty stupid to steer that ship in the dark
the last wave to strike a sunbather rubbing oils on there flaky chest
row row your boat my darling broke her heart and i don't feel sorry
you don't hear the song no more sinking to the body handouts for no names
i stick my hand out for help but in the middle of nowhere no one can pull away
thats called drowning with no shame

[Scar]

okay i see that it is open for vote

elfo, yo i fuckin love this verse lulz. im not sure how much thought you put into those opening 4 lines but this shit here: Bottom is calm today that was fire b. anyway this was a light hearted read that incorporated the element of the picture just enough to see that it was in fact inspired or at least drawn from it. cool. the verse seems to imply that ouch girl is a druggie and since you got the best flex in the gram game, she was all subjected to your filthy drug dealing whim. nice. the flow was dope and the rhyming was really good. it was a very fun read and i have to say one of my fav this week. good to have you in the league my man

halo, yo you were mad late my man. but glad im glad its open for vote cause you both put in time and effort so its only right. It opens up with an inquiry. that usually means its gonna be a "topical" topical. this reminds me vaguely of zombie's verse from aowl season 3. while he/she juxtapose drowning and existentialism, your verse seems to be something along those lines lulz. your drowning in a tsunami, i assume thats the concept. lots of very colorful verbiage that are really dope play on words but i think its missing a connective tissue. something more concrete. it read like a series of ocean related idioms and references but i just cant connect it to any concrete idea you know? like what are you trying to say here? its definitely above my intellectual capacity so my bad if i didn't fully comprehend the verse my man. but i will say this, the verse moved in a very quick pace. the flow was super dope. the varying rhymeschemes definitely help the pace. that aspect of the verse was awesome.

v/ elfo. it was clearer to me and just overall more entertaining.

[Adverse]

Elfo - This was a cool verse, there wasn't too much to it though and i feel like you could have expanded on your theme of Ouch's girl drowning in her drug addiction amd just relating it more to the topic a little more, but beside that point i cracked a smile at the comedy here and i loved the title "Hennesea" lol i liked it man just thought if you were going at a meta approach you can at least expand on it and make it topically sound.

Hal0 - Another verse with a lot of layers to it. I don't know if I'm just not getting the narrative here or what but this just feels like some decent imagery and Oceanic references randomly distributed with no bigger purpose included. I liked some of the visions you described but there was just no concrete narrative to tie it to.

V/Elfo better piece, more engaging, want to vote for Hal0 he had a lot of potential but it ultimately didn't amount to anything

[Clutbuck]

I always like to think of how I would have approached the topic first as it might give an insight for you both as to what I liked about each verse. This topic was a tough one, for me, as a lot of it’s quite blank with nothing opening. Obviously the focal point is the hand reaching upward from under the waves, at first it reminded me of a poem I read about “Not waving, but drowning,” that would have fit this perfect. It doesn’t necessarily need to be someone drowning in water, though, with this person having “drowned” pulled under by the weight of everything in his life and left gasping their final breath - reaching out desperately for something, or someone, to save them before it’s too late. This could be a lot of things, the obvious ones being some sort of addition they’re in the grip of - be that alcohol, drugs or gambling. It could just be the weight of others expectations I guess if you were to flip it that way, that might be a more original and creative one. Let’s see what you guys have here...

Elfo: LOL @ this random Ouch diss topical popping up. For what it’s worth, I actually fuck with this kind of hood writers voice, you don’t see it employed too often in text topicals but I liked it here, the flow and rhyme schemes were done well, I would say you’re from a more battle-orientated background given the punchline-esque qualities you have scattered throughout the lines here. It’s definitely not your typical topical verse, but then that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I like the unorthodox style it has. It reads very cleanly, adding to the entertainment factor of it all, and it’s a breath of fresh air in a league like this to have someone write something in an entirely different tone that isn’t all just imagery based - something more tongue in cheek and humorous is a welcomed change of pace IMHO. Good work.

brokenhal0: You’re always killing it with the last minute key styles in stuff like this, this ones no different. The opening line really grabs the attention, I liked that straight off the bat as an opening line. The verse flows well enough for me to catch where the line is meant to end, even if it appears like a run-on sentence kind of deal due to the spacing. The vocabulary used was solid and maintained my attention, and this line in particular stood out to me:

im swimming as hard as i can this wasn't part of the plan

I liked the oceanic references throughout and the liking to feeling in the womb again as you had this seemingly decent down to Davey Jones’ locker at the bottom of the seabed. I think had you more time to streamline this brainstorm of ideas into a focused concept, it would have served you better as a whole, but your opponent excelled more so in that particular area and that’s what ultimately decided this one for me personally.

Vote - Elfo

[Artifice]

Elfo,

Cool take on the picture, given you were expecting a different opponent. Not what I was expecting tbh, but I really enjoyed the read. Not sure if you went under another name at some point, but you're definitely someone who's been writing for a while, that's evident. Upon a second read, I felt like the "i'd lend a hand, but i'm flexin' on the gram" was a funny callback to the original pic.

Hal0

Not sure if I've read anything from you before. I liked the opening line, but the second line I felt the wording was clunky. It's also a pet peeve of mine to use double negatives unless there's a specific character-based reason to, so it stuck out to me. You've clearly got the ability to paint some abstract images, but I felt that the through-line of the piece wasn't clear. I think that if you can find a way to get the abstract parts to connect a little more with the direction you take your piece, it will pop more. Still enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more.

v/ Elfo

[Johnny 6 feet]

Elfo- A diss piece with character development. Interesting take. I liked how you related the theme of drowning to drug addiction. A solid take on the topic. You conveyed the frustration of the narrator looking at someone who was basically killing themselves and there was nothing he could do about it. A few filler lines here and there, but you brought the imagery, vocab was solid, some nice internals in your rhyme scheme too.

brokenhal0- metaphors and obscure meanings had this reading more like a poem than a straight topical. I appreciate an original style, and you clearly have a good command of your vocab, but I felt you went a little too overboard (pun intended) with some of the lines in this which made it difficult to follow as a result. And this is coming from a guy with a degree in English Literature. Some lines were overstretched which interrupted the flow of the piece, but you connected clearly to the image you were given and there was plenty to spark the imagination of the reader in your effort.

Vote- Elfo