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Old 01-04-2014, 04:24 AM   #1
Certain
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Default Championship: 5. PancakeBrah vs. 6. Frank - PANCAKEBRAH WINS 9-0



WELCOME TO THE ART OF WRITING LEAGUE'S
SEASON 2 CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH



Verses due: Saturday, Jan. 11, 11:59 p.m. PT, with NO EXTENSIONS

Voting deadline: Saturday, Jan. 18, 11:59 p.m. PT

Limitation: 48 lines maximum unless agreed upon before either opponent posts a verse.

Votes will count toward required voting for The Winter Topical but must be well-explained.


Topic





Good luck, @PancakeBrah and @Frank.
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Old 01-12-2014, 02:53 AM   #2
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Default Airhead: The Age of Aquarius

Visionary and creative, but rebellious, these curious beings are socially adept, Whooshing, Suspended.
Gift of detachment, the gift of objectivity and the gift of perspective, Astral Aloofness Projected
The sixth ray energy is transmuted through Neptune’s Upper Echelon the realm of thought Cool and magnetic
The boom of telecommuting through bad photo shop edits; lucid, light headed, uprooted - the relics.
Omnipresent - launched into all outer affairs: omitting eclipses, condescending through the hysterics
We are the spirits of the earth’s collective consciousness. Group Atmospheric.
Humming of cumin and turmeric. Ushering in the new era removed from the clearance -
There’s a huge interference, their saying you shouldn’t hear this – Humanitarianism - the hue of adherence
Feminine (receiver of divine inspiration), and the masculine (acting it out in the world), uniting as one unit – angelic, translucent appearance
Super-human athletic ability. Artificial intelligences. Exploration. Mass Suicide. Trepidation.
For looking up under the skirt of social creatures breezing in Liberation, her Excavation
Meditation would relieve these mind-body ailments, “Miracally”- Preventatively...
These children possess increased spiritual sensitivity and have strong ties to the upcoming values of this endearing century.
Nearly heavenly, Navigating, the distance of Air-heads to their emotions can be refreshingly mentally - telepathy
A steady illumination is taking place and a friendly beam is being thrown on the face of idiocracy
Light on government and politics through experiments and the study of great and basic ideologies
Light on the material nature of the world through all the many branches of sciences Bahrain tree;
Light on humanity itself through education, psychology and philosophy
This light is spreading vibrantly to the very darkest places in our planet and its many forms of life -
You see - we are capable of great extremes. Embody Galactic Alignment, and Peak
Our world is ever fascinating, but complete understanding of it is always just out of your reach.
Able to live life through their head - maintaining happy disposition, Bubbly
Handling heavy subjects with subtle indifference, comfy on cloud 9’s puffy umbilicus
Emotions have a way of holding people down -
Reverse Gravitational Pull
Limitless simming it - cataclysmic, celebrational
Reincarnation. Social changes, the coming of the New Age - The News -
“Starship Enterprise Harmonic Convergence upon Earthly Shrine”
Airheads: more space between life lived and the observing mind
The constellation lies behind the Sun as the vernal equinox turns in time
Turbulence tries to steer the future into the ozone layers open wide whirling blur of shine
By 2050 we will have the option to leave our bodies permanently - convert divine
Soul catcher - overlooking vast regions of rain forest depleted -
Regions of existing countries will break away and become independent
Freedom, only a small percentage of us will choose to "keep" our bodies
Preferring instead to transfer our minds into circuit boards and attain immortality
Radically - encapsulated onset of clarity - Virtual Reality will be indistinguishable
From actually reality, Holograms’ll be transported, traveling through the galaxy
When the Air is out of balance, we encounter someone cut off from their physical self -
Metaphysical, in line of thought, many land intact through their application of spiritual law
Switch on the frequencies and pick up on life “out there”
People will be fitted with special computer chips in their heads so they can regain the ability to hear.
They could experience someone else’s love affair, exhilaration, even a chip for fear -
Through this device, the characters could go on trips for years living memories ripped from their peers
Their intellect is their foundation for succeeding in any field - Picturistic or Real.
Mobile Global Escape - Spiritual Growth into Space
They talk their way through feelings instead of encountering the emotional weight.
These probes are focal in this year’s totalitarian proposal debate
The remote controlled satellites of social today
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Old 01-12-2014, 02:57 AM   #3
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CTRL+ALT+DLT
lol @ you Sheep.



Mark collected government paychecks, away from the workaday freaks.
$555 a week, enough to pay for WiFi and all the ho-ho’s he could eat.
He hacked for a fee. Went past meta-crypts to steal megabits
and only accepted BitCoin to hide the income from his case specialist.
Known online as ‘Crackpot’, he did well of it. He had e-stacks printed,
enough to buy a black tinted laptop with the slick matte finish.
Cyber sleuth. Had his custom avators and ‘gaia’ troupes on his hard drive
(his had the custom tailored tiger suit). All in all, an odd guy.
As a pastime he’d try to find the ‘truth’ in archives;
like 9/11 clues, hidden apartheids. He’d often laugh at the sheep
from his swivel chair. “I bet you all think you’re actually free,
while the Rothchild illuminati controls every action you see.”
Surfed AboveTopSecret.com. Being right fueled him in topics and threads,
daily. He had trouble finding news and theories he hadn’t already read
lately. Until he found one post with a thousand replies plus,
written by the handle ‘Knowles’. He read, caught with surprised lust;

“CHURCH OF THE CELL”
http://phys.org/news/2013-06-physici...retically.html
“Greetings. I am Reverend Knowles, and above is the tome
of the Church of the Cell. We wish to welcome you home.
You may be skeptical, but this is at the very root of the lives that you drew.
We have over 100 members, keen, with an eye for the truth.
Do you want to know the meaning of life? Contact this line if you do; 1-323-903-6972”

The idea was unique. Plus the subscribers co-signed with his ‘think’.
Mark was behooved to listen. The separatist view aligned with his mission
to prove the populous wrong. He eventually moved and was living
with the topics’ nubile admissions. He read the pamphlets over incense,
as was standard for the 'Imprint.' They rarely saw the prophet Knowles,
and instead recited his objective goals. ‘Reject the common known
paradigm.’ ‘Look towards the salvation.’ ‘You’re a steam of digits, honed.’
‘This is your home.’ and ‘We share the mind.’ The digital text spoke
of an endgame. Mark read every psalm with a confident grin.
Hooked. He’d found all of the win, bypassing the crowd in their din.
Looking forward to the truth, his...

Hair coiffed, angled. Crisp, the smile of a model with hazel eyes,
as he exited his squared off chambers and uncapped bottle of maple rye.
Reverend Knowles. He assumed the pulpit in a heavy set of robes,
took a breath, then let it go.
“Welcome!” to the crowded pews, to each successive row.
“As you know, our very cells hold computerized self-correcting code,
and on our collective road we finally arrive, tonight, at our compression goal.”
He lifts his glass, causing the congregated mass to follow,
each containing maple rye and a dissolvable tab to swallow.
“Drink with me! To rapture! Together, as enlightened, connected souls.”
Mark drank his with a smile. Eyes closed as the concoction hit his teeth.
As the poison made him nod out, right before it’d get to his heart
he was assured of his route, like the dozens by him. And before he’d give to the sleep
he cracked one last smile at all those idiot sheep still living in the dark.





,
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Old 01-13-2014, 04:00 AM   #4
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Frank:
well this was a doozy. I enjoyed the shit out of it. content wise, pretty fuckin dense, and sometimes it seemed scrambled, but you pinned it all down in the end with a conceptually riveting idea that was in the same lane of things stoners like to talk about. Youre a little more articulate than stoners though. The themes I saw in this had to do with visceral detachment from nature through a focus on intellect, or ego
Quote:
We are the spirits of the earth’s collective consciousness. Group Atmospheric.
Humming of cumin and turmeric. Ushering in the new era removed from the clearance -
There’s a huge interference, their saying you shouldn’t hear this – Humanitarianism - the hue of adherence




Quote:
Nearly heavenly, Navigating, the distance of Air-heads to their emotions can be refreshingly mentally - telepathy
A steady illumination is taking place and a friendly beam is being thrown on the face of idiocracy
Light on government and politics through experiments and the study of great and basic ideologies
Light on the material nature of the world through all the many branches of sciences Bahrain tree;
dope. the air head label is like a double entendre; airhead because of the lacking visceral filament, so to speak, with the only focus on intellectual framework, and in that way, stupid. Love the bahrian tree analogy.

Quote:
Light on humanity itself through education, psychology and philosophy
This light is spreading vibrantly to the very darkest places in our planet and its many forms of life -
You see - we are capable of great extremes. Embody Galactic Alignment, and Peak
Our world is ever fascinating, but complete understanding of it is always just out of your reach.
the turning point.

Quote:
Able to live life through their head
whose head?

Quote:
- maintaining happy disposition, Bubbly
Handling heavy subjects with subtle indifference, comfy on cloud 9’s puffy umbilicus
the umbilicus reference is concise, being that it is something very intimate from nature, and youre describing a society that is growing independent from it.

Quote:
Emotions have a way of holding people down -
Reverse Gravitational Pull
basically the same idea as the line before. pretty good.

I wish the ending was as fleshed out as all writing proceeding it was. How you got there was very cool, not to say the ending wasnt good. And another thing mister Frank, usually I let your extended bar steeze pass but it wasnt working for me this time. alright. good verse.

cake:
alright this week cake decided to write about chyeahhh. well it worked and this was a nicely refined, structurally sound, and completely fleshed out story. great character development couped with an underlying cynicism that made for a slightly comedic effect at the end.

Quote:
Hair coiffed, angled. Crisp, the smile of a model with hazel eyes,
as he exited his squared off chambers and uncapped bottle of maple rye.
Reverend Knowles. He assumed the pulpit in a heavy set of robes,
took a breath, then let it go.
coiffed. great imagery especially in the last two lines. really brings beyonce to life. but really knowles was a funny name choice.

Quote:
“Welcome!” to the crowded pews, to each successive row.
“As you know, our very cells hold computerized self-correcting code,
and on our collective road we finally arrive, tonight, at our compression goal.”
not too sure what reason was given for the mass suicide. Is it at the point that reads The digital text spoke of an endgame? anyways, the suicide thing isnt out of the ordinary for cults i know but, maybe i just didnt pick up on the specific reasoning.

Quote:
He lifts his glass, causing the congregated mass to follow,
each containing maple rye and a dissolvable tab to swallow.
“Drink with me! To rapture! Together, as enlightened, connected souls.”
Mark drank his with a smile. Eyes closed as the concoction hit his teeth.
As the poison made him nod out, right before it’d get to his heart
he was assured of his route, like the dozens by him. And before he’d give to the sleep
he cracked one last smile at all those idiot sheep still living in the dark.
i cracked a smile when I read this. am i dead? very appropriate ending. easily my favorite part of the piece, where as a lot of stories written on this site end on a weaker note.

I am torn here. I think the problem is that conceptually, my interest gravitates more towards franks piece, but cakes piece is more refined and concise in professing its themes. I suppose Franks piece makes for a greater om drop, but in this battle, I have cake taking the cake

V/ Pancakebrah
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Old 01-13-2014, 08:24 PM   #5
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Both verses had it's own unique flavor to it. I'm not really fond of quoting things, so I will just speak on what I read and expand on it. Or whatever.

lol @ Franks little Eminem renegade scheme. Not saying it was bad, just what it reminded me of. While Frank took the road of a more uplifting direct story, Pancake went the other route with a penning imaginative cout of someones mind. I read figs comment and didn't know who mark was, and I'm assuming it is CG, which makes this pretty funny. But just slightly. Franks verse was cool. But never had a totally underlying issue administered to it - and neither did cakes. I feel the lines were too cramped in Franks verse, and adhered to a quite long verse. That hurt him just a tad in my eyes, though flow and all that doesn't reallyyyy effect my voting criteria. This was, good. I never really finished his verse thinking it had a ultimate ending, or story. That being said, I don't think frank DIDNT have a story, I just don't think he had a climax. usually when telling stories, theres a plateau you hit, then it usually shoots up, whether it be a gigantic peak, or a small climax. Frank had a stagnant verse in terms of uprising/falling. Which also hurt him. The explanation and insight were definitely there. Another aspect was that he didn't really connect to me, not even in a slight sense of the word. Not in a way where I have to say that it was so touching that I loved it, I just didn't really undersatnd what he was trying to convey in the end. It seems to me a certain portion of the population in franks story was blessed with something he has insight on, and that's what he's expanding on. The concepts of each sentence was worded just in an average median and the verse suffered. Though, I have to say this myself, this picture is horrible and I hate cliche pictures. Picture that I got for my battle was cool, and I love not having to be so deep seeded in philosophy. You can be comedic and satirical without actually having to be a battle rapper, which was what Pancake sort of conveyed, but in a light sense. Though this could have taken no other route, really. Even if I created a verse with just ridiculous rhyming ethics, and a clear cut comedic sketch, I still think (topic wise) it'd be inferior to a thought out topic as pancake. Though voters still might choose otherwise, because the mechanics are there, just not the topic at hand. Which kinda was the case, but not really.

Pancakes verse wasn't amazing either. It was a simple, fast pace verse. At first reading it, I thought it was about CG, or it could have been but then I think he disregarded that notion and just started a completely different piece. But he didn't, or maybe he did? That's the thing. He had a few mentions, and a few laughs here and there. And obviously was being suggestive in his content. He didn't mend anything, really, and his verse, opposed to franks, was very short and quick to the point. Nothing really philosophical, and if it had remnants of something beyond natural cognitive realization, then it wouldnt be hard to use the context around his original text to figure out what he was saying. In some points he wandered off, but it wasn't really...drastic. I found in franks verse, he wandered off, almost, but almost didn't. And I found myself a little bewildered by what was actually going on, if it were a narrative standpoint, or just something about something that he witnessed somewhere, one time. I feel in a sense, the same as fig, as Franks verse is very alluring, it just lacked a certain luster, the approach he took, the way he wanted to rhyme, and be a bit dense in his wording was something pancake lacked, and he mainfully adjusted all of his mechanics into one setting : the topic itself. While he suffered a bit in the mechanics of the verse (just barely) I think Franks reason of doing just that may have hurt him as well! It was just, idk? Stagnant as I said. Some points were good, and I just wish he wouldve took a route of clarity rather than judgment based on assumptions of something that I think I should know, if not, I should google. Pancake, a decently clever storyline, with a very ridiculous picture (imo) with good mechanics, and honestly, the storyline off the top of the head is very good. I'm sure if I spent about half an hour I could think of one better, but I highly doubt it. The relevant sting, coupled with everything aforementioned, is cool.

Frank did good, too. But reading his recent om's I think he couldve done way better.

Vote - PancakeBrah, and this is in no way biased because I don't give a fuck if this is in a different thread other than discussion, honestly. Good luck gentlemen.
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If mentioned in a discussion its who'd still use wordy lines and act all dope
Then again hes had this schtick so long he like bb da bb da bb thats all folks
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Old 01-14-2014, 04:17 AM   #6
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Frank: This verse was unlike anything you have dropped all season. That in itself was a risky decision, given how dominant you were all season and how you pride yourself on your excellent storytelling ability. This topic was difficult, but your concept here was very impressive. The execution overall was spotty, but it was good to see you went for the unexpected angle. A championship match is a strange place for testing out a style, but I think you took to heart (perhaps too much) some of the things I and others wrote about you in the magazine and wanted a counterpoint verse, a verse that beat PancakeBrah at his own game to some degree, though this was more Vulgar than PancakeBrah in inspiration.

Still, I found this verse almost impossible to read on my first try. The density of the images and lack of clear connections, to go along with a dragged out rhyme scheme that didn't allow for the natural cadence you usually supply made this verse very challenging. I read each verse five times, and while PancakeBrah's clicked on one read, yours took three. By that third read and the subsequent reads, I had unlocked the puzzle and really found a lot of enjoyment in this verse. It wasn't as transcendant as you seemed to be shooting for, but there was a lot going on here in a verse that, on my very first skim of the battle (that I'm not even counting as one of my five reads), seemed to be rather garbled.

Quote:
Airhead: The Age of Aquarius

Visionary and creative, but rebellious, these curious beings are socially adept, Whooshing, Suspended.
Gift of detachment, the gift of objectivity and the gift of perspective, Astral Aloofness Projected
The sixth ray energy is transmuted through Neptune’s Upper Echelon the realm of thought Cool and magnetic
The boom of telecommuting through bad photo shop edits; lucid, light headed, uprooted - the relics.
Omnipresent - launched into all outer affairs: omitting eclipses, condescending through the hysterics
You started slowly. For one, you normally want to establish a flow before pushing it too far. Here, your opening line was one of your most dense. That made it very difficult to get into the piece. Now, even reading back over it this fifth time, I still have some trouble with that third line. I looked up "sixth ray energy" and found that it's part of Hinduism, the easiest path to unconditional love. But it doesn't connect with the rest of the line or with the verse, really. Connectivity is a problem throughout the verse. The next line is one of the very best of the verse, at least once the core concept revealed throughout the verse is grasped. But there's no way to spin this as anything but a difficult introductory section, despite impressive rhymes.

Quote:
We are the spirits of the earth’s collective consciousness. Group Atmospheric.
Humming of cumin and turmeric. Ushering in the new era removed from the clearance -
There’s a huge interference, their saying you shouldn’t hear this – Humanitarianism - the hue of adherence
Feminine (receiver of divine inspiration), and the masculine (acting it out in the world), uniting as one unit – angelic, translucent appearance
Super-human athletic ability. Artificial intelligences. Exploration. Mass Suicide. Trepidation.
For looking up under the skirt of social creatures breezing in Liberation, her Excavation
Here's where you really started to narrow your focus into the topic. The content here is strong. Also, the flow of the first three lines here is the best of the verse. What sets this section apart as one of the best in the verse is the balance of referential writing with a little bit of exposition. As a whole, the verse needed more of the latter, but here you're being a bit more open about what you're discussing, and it allows for more relatability. I didn't like the parentheticals, which ruined the flow and didn't seem necessary.

Quote:
Meditation would relieve these mind-body ailments, “Miracally”- Preventatively...
These children possess increased spiritual sensitivity and have strong ties to the upcoming values of this endearing century.
Nearly heavenly, Navigating, the distance of Air-heads to their emotions can be refreshingly mentally - telepathy
A steady illumination is taking place and a friendly beam is being thrown on the face of idiocracy
Light on government and politics through experiments and the study of great and basic ideologies
Light on the material nature of the world through all the many branches of sciences Bahrain tree;
Light on humanity itself through education, psychology and philosophy
This light is spreading vibrantly to the very darkest places in our planet and its many forms of life -
The content was very strong here. But the lines were so dense that I completely lost cadence and flow. And the wording sort of reminded me of ZYG's tasks, where he intentionally overwrites a bit and overloads us with more words than we can chew off. But in those cases, he's eschewing rhyme altogether for the purpose of content. Here, that didn't seem to be the case. The "refreshingly mentally - telepathy" part was the clunkiest bit of phrasing. But this section did have great content, tackling the valuable side of social media. The positivity of this was interesting and somewhat surprising, as I'm so used to reading people complaining that social media is destroying the world. You're arguing that social media is enveloping but not destroying, and I can abide by that.

Quote:
You see - we are capable of great extremes. Embody Galactic Alignment, and Peak
Our world is ever fascinating, but complete understanding of it is always just out of your reach.
Able to live life through their head - maintaining happy disposition, Bubbly
Handling heavy subjects with subtle indifference, comfy on cloud 9’s puffy umbilicus
Emotions have a way of holding people down -
Reverse Gravitational Pull
Limitless simming it - cataclysmic, celebrational
Reincarnation. Social changes, the coming of the New Age - The News -
“Starship Enterprise Harmonic Convergence upon Earthly Shrine”
Airheads: more space between life lived and the observing mind
The constellation lies behind the Sun as the vernal equinox turns in time
Turbulence tries to steer the future into the ozone layers open wide whirling blur of shine
This was one of the better segments as far as writing. The diction was interesting, but the commentary was more reserved and generic here. I think you struggled to fully merge the idea of these sentient beings with your purposeful statement on social media. That made your verse a bit clunky, particularly when you went imagery-centric for spans such as this one. The more you talked about the sentient beings, the less you discussed the dichotomy of social media in a real way.

Quote:
By 2050 we will have the option to leave our bodies permanently - convert divine
Soul catcher - overlooking vast regions of rain forest depleted -
Regions of existing countries will break away and become independent
Freedom, only a small percentage of us will choose to "keep" our bodies
Preferring instead to transfer our minds into circuit boards and attain immortality
Radically - encapsulated onset of clarity - Virtual Reality will be indistinguishable
From actually reality, Holograms’ll be transported, traveling through the galaxy
When the Air is out of balance, we encounter someone cut off from their physical self -
Metaphysical, in line of thought, many land intact through their application of spiritual law
Switch on the frequencies and pick up on life “out there”
People will be fitted with special computer chips in their heads so they can regain the ability to hear.
They could experience someone else’s love affair, exhilaration, even a chip for fear -
Through this device, the characters could go on trips for years living memories ripped from their peers
Their intellect is their foundation for succeeding in any field - Picturistic or Real.
This definitely was the strongest section of content and social commentary in the verse. The scope of what you went over in this segment could have been its own verse. The diction was fantastic, too, creating a really powerful image. This was the only section I enjoyed much on the first read. But there's really no flow here. The language is so dense that I can't fathom any sort of rhythm or cadence. The rhymes are loose, even looser than normal.

Quote:
Mobile Global Escape - Spiritual Growth into Space
They talk their way through feelings instead of encountering the emotional weight.
These probes are focal in this year’s totalitarian proposal debate
The remote controlled satellites of social today
I think you needed to cut some of the stuff preceeding this to develop your ending more. As a four-line encapsulation, this worked. But this verse and this ending were really challenging for me, having read it five times. Therein lies the problem: Even having read this verse closely five times over the past two nights, I still feel rather detached and desire more development on these ideas. You went too verbose.

But don't get me wrong; this was a very good verse. It was a championship-caliber verse for its content and approach on the topic, which again was rather brilliant. The execution, though, needs to be smoother. There were a lot of bumps in the road here, a lot of flaws that could doom you in the end. You may have overthought yourself out of this championship.

PancakeBrah: You, too, changed your style a bit for this battle. But you took the exact opposite approach, going for pretty much the straight-ahead approach to a topic image of the rapture: You wrote about the concept of the rapture. To do it, you dialed down a little bit on some of the PancakeBrah frills, particularly with the complexity of the rhyme schemes. This story was story.

But that's not to say your personality didn't shine. What worked here was the smirking sense of humor shown throughout the verse, particularly in that last line. You found a character type that you resent, the conspiracy nut, but you shifted him to be more in line with a PancakeBrah character. Then you went on to develop him thoroughly but also give him a decently interesting story line.

Quote:
CTRL+ALT+DLT
lol @ you Sheep.

Mark collected government paychecks, away from the workaday freaks.
$555 a week, enough to pay for WiFi and all the ho-ho’s he could eat.
He hacked for a fee. Went past meta-crypts to steal megabits
and only accepted BitCoin to hide the income from his case specialist.
Known online as ‘Crackpot’, he did well of it. He had e-stacks printed,
enough to buy a black tinted laptop with the slick matte finish.
Cyber sleuth. Had his custom avators and ‘gaia’ troupes on his hard drive
(his had the custom tailored tiger suit). All in all, an odd guy.
The technical jargon did well to establish your characters credentials. The "black tinted laptop" line had a really slick flow, though the cadence was a bit off in the first few lines because the rhymes weren't quite on point like they normally are. I wasn't so sure about "he did well of it" or "All in all, an odd guy." Those lines seemed a bit obvious, existing more for the rhyme than anything else and kind of hurting the detail-oriented writing. The juxtaposition worked better on the second. But this was a good and necessary character introduction before setting up the conflict.

Quote:
As a pastime he’d try to find the ‘truth’ in archives;
like 9/11 clues, hidden apartheids. He’d often laugh at the sheep
from his swivel chair. “I bet you all think you’re actually free,
while the Rothchild illuminati controls every action you see.”
Surfed AboveTopSecret.com. Being right fueled him in topics and threads,
daily. He had trouble finding news and theories he hadn’t already read
lately. Until he found one post with a thousand replies plus,
written by the handle ‘Knowles’. He read, caught with surprised lust;
This part (and the entire first stanza, really) took too long. It seemed like you were riffing on Chyeahhh Guevara and other people here. I wish you hadn't chosen Knowles as the preacher's name because I was distracted by thoughts of Beyonce (and, to a much lesser degree, Solange). I've never ventured into the world of Above Top Secret, but I imagine that most of the posters are like our Mark.

Quote:
“CHURCH OF THE CELL”
http://phys.org/news/2013-06-physici...retically.html
“Greetings. I am Reverend Knowles, and above is the tome
of the Church of the Cell. We wish to welcome you home.
You may be skeptical, but this is at the very root of the lives that you drew.
We have over 100 members, keen, with an eye for the truth.
Do you want to know the meaning of life? Contact this line if you do; 1-323-903-6972”
I didn't click the link. I don't think I've ever seen a topical verse in which a URL was part of the verse, not just an aside or hyperlinked text. If that link is important to the verse, than its contents should have been synthesized in rhyme. But the advertisement for Church of the Cell was written very well, and the phone-number rhyme was very slick.

Quote:
The idea was unique. Plus the subscribers co-signed with his ‘think’.
Mark was behooved to listen. The separatist view aligned with his mission
to prove the populous wrong. He eventually moved and was living
with the topics’ nubile admissions. He read the pamphlets over incense,
as was standard for the 'Imprint.' They rarely saw the prophet Knowles,
and instead recited his objective goals. ‘Reject the common known
paradigm.’ ‘Look towards the salvation.’ ‘You’re a steam of digits, honed.’
‘This is your home.’ and ‘We share the mind.’ The digital text spoke
of an endgame. Mark read every psalm with a confident grin.
Hooked. He’d found all of the win, bypassing the crowd in their din.
Looking forward to the truth, his...
I wish we'd been able to spend a little more time watching Mark's actual transition, but part of the point here is that this supposedly individualist really is just a rebel against the obvious direction, not a true rebel. So it's easy to see how this man is easily swayed. "He'd found all of the win" was a bit too cheeky and BuzzFeed-y for this section of the writing. There were a few instances in this verse, such as that one, where the writing could have been tightened up a bit to allow for more content, which could have deepened the emotional attachment for or against Mark, as you were playing both sides in a way.

Quote:
Hair coiffed, angled. Crisp, the smile of a model with hazel eyes,
as he exited his squared off chambers and uncapped bottle of maple rye.
Reverend Knowles. He assumed the pulpit in a heavy set of robes,
took a breath, then let it go.
“Welcome!” to the crowded pews, to each successive row.
“As you know, our very cells hold computerized self-correcting code,
and on our collective road we finally arrive, tonight, at our compression goal.”
He lifts his glass, causing the congregated mass to follow,
each containing maple rye and a dissolvable tab to swallow.
“Drink with me! To rapture! Together, as enlightened, connected souls.”
"Expressed goal," maybe? That seemed like another uncharacteristically forced rhyme. I liked the images a lot here, though. You said in a recent open mic review that you didn't like the word "souls," but Reverend Knowles is the exact type of guy who would use it. The clarity here was really strong, and I even liked the idea that they were drinking maple rye, which I've had once and definitely hits that nector-esque drink of the gods feel without actually being good.

Quote:
Mark drank his with a smile. Eyes closed as the concoction hit his teeth.
As the poison made him nod out, right before it’d get to his heart
he was assured of his route, like the dozens by him. And before he’d give to the sleep
he cracked one last smile at all those idiot sheep still living in the dark.
I thought this should have been its own stanza, from an aesthetic standpoint. The last line is pretty much perfect, the kind of closer that could make a voter forget some of the mistakes earlier in the verse. This would have been a bit more effective if you'd made us resent Mark a little more, but the fact that you had this well-described character who we never once sympathize with was a sign that this is a pretty contemptable asshole. Usually readers want to like the characters their reading about.

With the right hand, this plot could be turned into a short story. But I think some of its failings come from what it wasn't in this peculiar format. That's not to say it was bad, but there were some minor wording issues and underdeveloped that could have been more fully realized. Still, this verse holds up very well against Frank's because those flaws also existed in Frank's verse. And the generalized storytelling approach worked here, if not flawlessly rather smoothly. I picked up on most of the nuances of this verse on the first read, though I gave it as many reads as I did Frank's.

That's a positive and a negative, though, and that's what defines this battle. Frank's verse was a fount of ideas and concepts that connected more with every read. His concept was much better, particularly in relation to the strange topic. But PancakeBrah executed in a much cleaner and better format. PancakeBrah left me fulfilled at the end of his verse, in part because the ending was so good. Frank left me wanting more and wishing there was less simultaneously. Both of you delivered better each of the past two weeks, but these were good verses, and this was a good battle. Still, my feeling on the outcome hasn't changed much.

Vote: PancakeBrah
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Old 01-15-2014, 01:46 AM   #7
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frank - lots of metaphysical and extraterrestrial ideas. this concept of the human satellite seems to be your navigational center. lots of allusion to an artificial interconnectivity i guess i would say. machine over body, mind over all.. this was dense but not really because of an overdose of over usage of multi-faceted processes. moreso because your language is sloppy for a good amount of the work. not in any authentic way. or so to say in a way that conveys a personality or voice, it's more like filler. like you were in dire need of a drafting process. i always support an approach that is more organic than refined but you pushed the line with this one. also, your 2050 focus would have been far more effective to begin with. this is where i was hooked as a reader. it gave you a nucleus to create a body around. it felt groundless for a long time before you gave us this angle which was interesting in itself and would have made for an epic work if arranged effectively. in short: what you have here is immense and potentially great insightful writing. what it needs is a revision - a pruning and reconstruction from the same foundation. for a finals verse in a league of this magnitude i would expect something more indicative of your true skill level. but an overall good submission as is. pancake - ahh the suicide cultist was a very cool way to take this picture. at first i was a little lost on how you were relating directly to the self-correcting color quantum computer but the final section sharpened it up very effectively. i think what set you apart from frank in this battle was your element of strategy. you sort of went for the neck here. defied expectations and abandoned what i recognize as your stylistic 'usual' which is more introspection and commentary. your story was clearly written and easy to follow. contrasted well with the complete polarity of frank's verse and i must admit, in this match, simplicity managed to win you the battle. which makes this a very interesting battle in this day and age where 'complexity' plays such an integral role in the zeitgeist of 'topical' writing. had frank refined his content into something sharper and more complete it may have resulted in entirely different outcomes. i think by many accounts, this is an upset, but the chips fall where they may. voting for pancakebrah.

thanks guys.



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Old 01-15-2014, 02:48 AM   #8
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Frank:

this is definitely a verse that warrants multiple re-reads - at least it did for me. The first read through was rough. I had a hard time making sense of a lot of the images in relation to each other. It was like getting caught in a whirlpool, and I was disoriented until I got to the funnel of your verse; around midway the narrative started to attach itself to its greater idea. Once the commentary on social media materialized, it anchored me, and I started to really get into your verse. It was an exceptional approach to the topic, no doubt, especially impressive given the picture. That being said, the actual commentary wasn't as interesting to me as the metaphysical implications were (then again, I am a pretty self-indulgent millennial at times). In any case, conceptually it was exciting and unique, but I can't say you altogether cashed in on its potential.

Part of that is because the ending was so suddenly stated. Emphasis on the word stated. I didn't feel what I was hoping to. It felt like you were naturally developing the cohesion between the description of these beings and how that was a reflection of the technological connectedness (and accompanying isolation) of today, and then you looked down and saw that you'd written a lot and you summed it all up in a quatrain. The momentum never really blossomed.

As far as the actual writing is concerned, the imagery was great. Even the ones I didn't really see as having any meaningful connection to the core concept I liked; they were well-written and stood on themselves individually. Your phrasing and word choice are top notch. But you may have sacrificed rhythm for it. There were times I caught on and it was smooth, but other times it felt like those breaks in songs where the artist just starts talking while the music still plays. The reading was great, but in terms of rhythmic quality it was lacking.

Overall, there's no denying that you were going for the home run on this verse. It was an ambitious, creative spin on the picture that was relevant and fresh. Images, individually and mosaically, were excellent. But the lingering feeling from this verse was that it never really finished. On an unrelated note, there were elements that really reminded me of "The Last Question" by Isaac Asimov. If you haven't already read it, you should. So yeah, strong verse overall, but the execution fell short of what the concept could have been.


Pancake:

The angle here is a little more predictable than Frank's given the picture, but it worked because you went about your storytelling with subtlety and finesse. I always enjoy your characterization, it really adds a sense of completion to your work, even though the narrative itself was pretty brisk. That's one of your most successful traits as a writer.

I do think you could have done more, however. Your depiction of the veracious conspiracy theorist didn't mesh all that well in his readiness to follow a cult; you'd think that he would assume skepticism from the onset of his "discovery." That was the only major problem I had with this piece. The character was interesting and well-defined, and as a result I didn't see any believable motivation for him to jump into something so abruptly. Part of that problem was the brevity of the piece, which is a tough balancing act because you want to give your story room to breathe, but you also want people to participate in the voting process (which long-winded verses tend to deter).

Ultimately, your mixture of character psychoanalysis, social commentary, and wit/humor won this for you. Frank had the better concept, in my opinion, but his verse lacked completion and impact. Your verse was more nuanced with its message, but also more simplistic of an attempt. But through that, your verse was cleaner and more complete.


Vote: Pancake. Good battle to both, it was a pleasure reading.
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Old 01-15-2014, 04:08 AM   #9
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Frank- This was the hugest deviation I've seen from you. You reached pretty far outside your usual and it felt like I was reading someone else entirely. I really liked the content of your piece and it was pretty immersive once i got past the opening lines. I now know that I have no idea what you're capable of anymore, and thats fucking awesome. I think some ideas expressed were a bit out of the general realm of thought for the overall idea of this work, but I could definitely be wrong as your train of thought and intention may not have been entirely grasped. Your flow was pretty loose as per your usual in this competition, but it wasnt too distracting for me. I feel like this piece is good, but it also feels like more was to be expound upon. I felt like I didn't quite make it through the rabbit hole, yet it was a pretty cool ride. Effort-wise, I'd say this is your season's best, but I'm positive you have more to offer in the technical department. It seems like you almost abandoned all real efforts to make this jingle, aside from the few lines that came off as rearranged "Renegade" lyrics... which happens to be my favorite rap son. Great job and good luck.

Pancake- I didn't see that coming. Ugh. Thats just fucked up.

This piece was crazy simple despite I expected from you, but it was a well-orchestrated heist of my attention. You really knew what you hadta do this time around and you made sure the ducks were in a row. This drop was technically sound, had a decent cadance and flowed really well. I'm confident enough to say you wrote this to an instrumental, but i digress. This was a more effective attack in the Frank vein, and i think the fact that your storytelling matched the tact and fluidity of your structure and flow really made this a more memorable piece. I made assumptions early on in the verse about your protagonist, but I'm fairly satisfied with the turn the story took. I've always been fascinated with the practices of cultism and this kinda left an impression. Great job Cake.


Great championship guys. I'm happy you two juggernauts duked it out (no homosapien) because you gave it a solid effort and both of you ventured a reasonable distance outside your comfort zones imo. I was pretty wowed by both, but I'm gonna go with my lasting impression as per my usual voting. MVGT Pancake. I think a better finish, and solid mechanics made a helluva difference here, as I predicted. Great job guys.
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Old 01-15-2014, 05:28 AM   #10
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Frank, reminded of Jung’s collective consciousness stuff mixed with a bit of the Asimov Multivac story (especially the uploading all minds into one hyperspace part). Some cool poetic things like the 3 sentences beginning with 'Light on.' I'm pretty biased towards science-fiction topics. This part was the best - "Soul catcher - overlooking vast regions of rain forest depleted -
Regions of existing countries will break away and become independent
Freedom, only a small percentage of us will choose to "keep" our bodies
Preferring instead to transfer our minds into circuit boards and attain immortality" the first part talking about the degeneration of Earth would have been a good area to focus on even more so, kind of a counterpoint to the futuristic stuff, just to keep things grounded, give it more of an emotional connection to establish on a personal level. As it stands, a little bit alienating with all the jargon, but it's still really good. Actually read it twice in a row before reading the opposing submission.

PancakeBrah, liked the Jim Jones/David Koresh storyline in a modern setting. The tragic/funny interplay of the "freethinker" being brainwashed was a great approach too. Good pacing, just arriving at the right moment to the Reverend character. Also enjoyed how precise that character was with language. It was assertive with all the new-age religious spirituality buzzwords. Perhaps only one thing was a little disappointing. The main character served well as a stereotype/caricature of the foolish behavior you were trying to display, but I still felt it was maybe a bit one-dimensional. Just a hint of self-doubt or last second regret may have been good too, but then again, the amount of time the main character spent being indoctrinated wasn't specified, so maybe that emotion is unrealistic. Good contest and submissions from both, voting for PancakeBrah.
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Old 01-15-2014, 12:03 PM   #11
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dope battle, pretty close. I liked the smorgasboard of ideas floating from Frank, very well-versed in the new age. The usual deft wording and sick flow. Pancake's was a nice story about a conspiracy theory recluse who meets his downfall at the hands of a cult. For overall concision, execution of the topic and writing skill displayed I feel pancakebrah gets the nod this time

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Old 01-15-2014, 12:36 PM   #12
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Frank:

Pretty sick, Frank. Throughout the read, I got the sensation that you were struggling to say something profound. All of the general terms were listed in the beginning, branches of a bigger Bahrain tree, that the reader is supposed to take note of as the collective anatomy of a large and encompassing statement. What I found was that it was a narrator who was making predictions about the future and trying to figure out humanity's place in it. A hidden quasar of social commentary as told by Zygote's half-brother. The way you told the story was excellent. I followed the body of ideas fluently through to the end, even if the beginning was a little jam-packed with quantitative elements.

"Handling heavy subjects with subtle indifference, comfy on cloud 9’s puffy umbilicus"
^This is my kind of line, lol. Nice.

"Mobile Global Escape - Spiritual Growth into Space
They talk their way through feelings instead of encountering the emotional weight."
^Ill. This shows a great grasp of the topic.

PancakeBrah - Impressive. Your disdain for conspiracy theorists shined in this one which was the desired effect. Well written as heck. It was about the irony of "truth seekers" accusing everyone else of being asleep/sheeple/being in the dark when their ingestion of the "red pill" actually sends them into a state of blissful ignorance as well. This of course is because you liken the information the main character is receiving as "poison" which is a substance that can have fatal implications on the human biological system. In fact, this could be the "soma" of the internet age, referencing Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, a pleasing yet ultimately incapacitating substance. This was a spot on interpretation, and I'm sure there are people out there who can relate to this verse. Thankfully, I'm immune. :)

My vote goes to CakeBrah.

Frank did his thing lyrically and he interpreted the topic with a kind of sloppy finesse. Cake had more articulation to his swing. I vibed with it more as a whole.

Nice work gents.
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Old 01-16-2014, 12:26 AM   #13
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Old 01-18-2014, 03:24 AM   #14
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