Playoffs Round 1: No. 6 Frank vs. No. 11 patrown - FRANK WINS 6-1

Certain · 12-03-2013, 11:39 PM

WELCOME TO ROUND 1

Verses due: Sunday, Dec. 8, 11:59 p.m. PT

Voting deadline: Wednesday, Dec. 11, 11:59 p.m. PT

Line limits: 48 lines maximum unless agreed upon before either opponent posts a verse.

Requirement: Vote on all three first-round battles and post links in this thread. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted.

Topic

Never Change

Good luck, @Frank and @patrown.

Frank · 12-04-2013, 03:10 AM

Welcome!

patrown · 12-04-2013, 06:50 PM

check

patrown · 12-09-2013, 11:14 PM

in the darkest light any human's ever seen,
a red hue portays a measure of each scene he creates,
in the back of Earl's Dream Scape, sealing their fate,
each shots chosen as perfection frozen in time,
each couple in focus at the moment chosen as prime,
met a flash of the same type, blinding the moment they attained height,
his story explains why..

Earl had always been the butt of jokes and last to be picked,
bastardly rich, hazardous lifestyles had to be his,
sniffing coke and drops a'cid opened the gates of his soul,
which instantly dilated, and recreated each moment he controls,
always reaching deeper into being for cold emotions expanding to fit,
the deeper purpose inside humanity Earl preaches as his.

Draw in those at a peak of their worth to keep them as is,
for a showcase of talent no one sees, but his kids and wife,
who live inside a fortress of torment, and forgive him despite,
each choice he's made, every voice that shrilly cried'n gave out to the anger,
each awoke to scenes of danger, instruments of pain in plain sight,
even Earl couldn't explain why he had thumbscrews and racks,
caltrops and tacks, needles in stacks stabbed into every joint,
like an accupunctorist that never understood the point of the art,
his family'd join when he'd start to scream the reason every fallen'd been slain,
call out their names, praying Dad'd feel involved with their pain.

I love you darling, where'd you kiss the first boy?
what have I missed you enjoyed?
is love a secret book kept under the pillows of those that don't bite..
or a notion of hopeless devotion those who don't grow to deploy..
as tools of misfortunate against those more open to hope..
too many've known this and grown over the voices who moan,
calling out'n lost tones romantic languages hoping to inspire,
ways of humanity most would loathe to admire.

Frank · 12-10-2013, 02:56 AM

True story

On the first day of school my teacher Ms. Mdingane gave us each an English name
This was the custom among Africans in those days
Those demeaning days
It was undoubtedly due to the British bias of education under the regales regional reign:
The drought of disparity is a pinkish decay, a muddy mixture of unimpeachable clay.
..
That day, Ms. Mdingane told me that my name was Nelson -
I wrote it neat on the page
Intrigued by the language, foreign to my palate – the word grew increasingly strange
Nel-son
My father said
Nel-son?!
What about Rolihlal Mandiba?
And threw his face in his hands completely in shame

"Nelson" my sister said, beaming in braids;
"Nelson Mandela”

The first in his family to attend school - the Parthian age.

Rivonia trial
1963 -
Refusing to call any witnesses, and turning his plea of mitigation into a political speech,
International campaign lobbied for his release with
picket signs and militant feet

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can't make a difference
Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has'' he says grinning to a T;

‘’I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society
In which all persons live together in harmony
And with equal opportunities
It is an ideal which I hope to live for
To achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for I am prepared to die.’’
Sabotage - conspiracy to violently overthrow the government –
..
"What is Nelson's plea?"
..
"Guilty on all accounts: Ignored all calls for clemency."

Robben Island 1975
Imprisoned in a damp, concrete cell measuring 8 feet by 7 feet, in which nothing was ever meant to survive
He worked himself to death in the lime quarry, where he was subjected to hard labor
After a long day of, breaking rocks into gravel, he came to his cell mat of straw layers and layed there.
Forbidden to wear sunglasses. The insane glare from the lime light permanently damaged his eyesight
His vision for the future remained bright, brighter than any ultra violet blinding light
University of Robben Island was where he would learn to fight,
Fight crime
Until he found himself in Solitary confinement
On several occasions for possessing smuggled news clippings
Class D he was permitted one visit and one letter every six months although all mail was heavily censored.
ANC prisoners elected him -
Dignitaries lecturing on their own areas of expertise, he debated with them.
..
It’s now a national world-site heritage
..
"Football gave hope to his fellow inmates - during our time spent.
The game made us feel alive and triumphant despite the situation we found ourselves in.”
. . .
. .
.
February 11, 1990, A day of honor.
"Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don't make it wait any longer.”
100,000 people at Johannesburg’s soccer city; crazy, the place was bonkers,
The racism, segregated, the hate was conquered!

The first photographs of Mandela were allowed to be published in South Africa for 20 years -
His face was on the front page, it read
"Democracies Founding Father''
The stage was monster -
He waved and the sound waves waved an awesome feeling to have been there - amazing response
"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
He smiled - The smile that would constitute change.

“Look around you. Everything changes. Everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, adapting, enhancing, and improving with change.
You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.”
You are the change.

"I was not a messiah, but an ordinary man who had become a leader of extraordinary circumstances
Prisoner to a President. My Name is Nelson Mandela

Godbless ya

Rest In Peace

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

1

NYCSPITZ · 12-10-2013, 01:22 PM

I got frank here. executed pretty well especially for a character sketch with cool flow and cadence, the story had suspense, imagery galore and frank's unique perspective/wording into it...breathless your shit was dope in parts, second verse was my fav. If you would have kept that up you could have beat Frank but imo that verse outshined all your other ones by a decent margin. The wording in verse 2 was excellent and it rang more profound to me. Concise and more to the point, while still containing great wording and a deep psychological portrait

v/ frank

PancakeBrah · 12-11-2013, 08:26 PM

patrown:

Had to read this a few times to get the plot. Maybe I'm stupid. I thought you had stretches where you picked up steam and fleshed out ideas well. There were random bursts of creative rhyming and rhythm that I also enjoyed. My main problem here is the lack of depth in terms of 'Earl'. This read like a snapshot instead of a sketch. A snapshot can work but it has to be a bit more vivid and descriptive than this, I would think. There was a lot vagueness here. I think you would have been better served with a little back story and/or description of why Earl's the way he is. Also, my read through was a bit tripped up four lines in during your third verse; the scheme got a little choppy. Aside from that you were spot on in terms of technical ability.

Frank:

Not your best verse, but still pretty good. As usual you had random spots of beautifully phrased ideas or descriptions. Your rhymes, though, were a bit pedestrian compared to what you normally bring. It seems you purposefully went with content over complexity which is fine but the content itself was exactly mind blowing. A fun history lesson for the youngsters, I guess.

This was closer than I anticipated. patrown had a pretty solid verse that was a bit more typically constructed in comparison to Franks which I actually preferred this go around. On the other hand, Frank was much more clear and pointed in his message. He also related to the topic a bit better than patrown did in my mind, which is weird because he's not afraid to just ignore a topic. He also had some brilliant flashes he and there, as I said, and I think he did just enough to pull out the win. He'll have to do better going forward, though. Good read guys.

v/Frank

breathless · 12-11-2013, 09:27 PM

@NYCSPITZ didn't you call pat by my name a couple weeks ago too? Lmao, and we were matched up this week at that! Smh

Frank - Given that the topic was never change, I don't think you hit it well at all, Mandela was all about change, from a militant revolutionary extremist to a pacifist leader Christian... Quite changey. I wasn't really feeling a lot of the mechanics and lack of cohesive rhymes, at times they were so stretched that the inner schemes did nothing to hold it together, there were even a couple standalone lines that were basically independent in themselves
Like these
Fight crime
Until he found himself in Solitary confinement
On several occasions for possessing smuggled news clippings
Class D he was permitted one visit and one letter every six months although all mail was heavily censored.
ANC prisoners elected him -

But, there were a couple gems, the lime light bit killed it and the rivonia stanza was real nice, but, it went on a bit too long really

Pat - I thought your cadence and mechanics were spectacular in this, especially how you staggered a couple end schemes back a few syllables and played them to still read cohesively...

even Earl couldn't explain why he had thumbscrews and racks,
caltrops and tacks, needles in stacks stabbed into every joint,
like an accupunctorist that never understood the point of the art,
his family'd join when he'd start to scream the reason every fallen'd been slain,
call out their names, praying Dad'd feel involved with their pain.

The missing the point part really got me, and the dilating the gates of his soul was superb metanalogy. This whole thing read real nice for me, with an overtone of a drug addict who tried to love, but wouldn't change his ways or his attempts to love, the ending words "loathe to admire" left it at a strong point, I wish there was another line or two to fully wrap it up, but all around I was pretty impressed

Vote - Pat

Mike Wrecka · 12-11-2013, 10:14 PM

patrown - good verse. most complete thing ive read from you in quite a while. the story was pretty sadistic and interesting. but it was kind of blurry to me as to what was going on in some spots. I wish it was more descriptive. the rhyming was very solid but not insanely next level or anything. and in some spots your rhyme scheme is unusual to me. but overall I enjoyed it. it was solid

frank - ya this was a novel. it was dope on a lot of levels. the rhyming and flow was excellent. sometimes I find your flow to be suprising, you format differently than anyone else here so the rhymes surprise me sometimes but I always find them without trying. hard to explain. the story was like a history paper which has boring written all over it but you gave us a good cross section of his life concentrating on the monumental moments of his life. I liked it. it was a strong submission.

overall = I will quote myself from one of my videos here, "never give frank a line extension unless your stupid" you didn't listen to my advice friend. this much very good content cant be beat by your much shorter verse. BUT even if his verse was the same length as yours , he would still have gotten my vote , more engaging story and much better mechanics

vote- francis the praying mantis

Certain · 12-11-2013, 11:41 PM

patrown: My man, you left me confused. I've read your verse six times now over three days, at various times of day, and I still have no clear idea of what happened in it. Each of your stanzas individually makes sense for the most part, but they don't seem to connect at all. You know, I think I'm going to break down each one for you, just so you understand where I'm coming from and so that I get a seventh read with full-on evaluative concentration.

Quote:

in the darkest light any human's ever seen,
a red hue portays a measure of each scene he creates,
in the back of Earl's Dream Scape, sealing their fate,
each shots chosen as perfection frozen in time,
each couple in focus at the moment chosen as prime,
met a flash of the same type, blinding the moment they attained height,
his story explains why..

The first time I read this stanza, I thought your verse would be about one of those guys who takes people's photographs while they ride rollercoasters. (Read it in that context and tell me it doesn't make sense.) Upon further reading and re-reading and the context of the rest of the verse, what I'm getting from it is that Earl has a dark room in which he takes photos of couples in sadomasochistic positions. But then I'm also wondering if these couples are dead bodies. Or perhaps Earl kills them as they reach orgasm? This stanza definitely made more sense when it was about rollercoaster photos.

Quote:

Earl had always been the butt of jokes and last to be picked,
bastardly rich, hazardous lifestyles had to be his,
sniffing coke and drops a'cid opened the gates of his soul,
which instantly dilated, and recreated each moment he controls,
always reaching deeper into being for cold emotions expanding to fit,
the deeper purpose inside humanity Earl preaches as his.

OK, the first three lines obviously make sense. He was bullied and found drugs and violence and escapism. But the other half of this stanza is where the disconnect really starts to come into place. So the gates of his soul already were opened when his soul dilated. So his soul is expanding and open to be filled. "Each moment he controls" must refer to the sadomasochism or rollercoaster ride of the first stanza. OK, so maybe that connects vaguely, though I still don't have a clear picture on what the moments are like. But the fifth line is the real wrench because of the phrase "reaching deeper into being." Now, "being" can be two things, a person or the state of existing. The cold emotions, I assume, are filling the dilated soul. But what does any of that actually mean? We've veered inescapably deep into abstraction here. The last line continues that. It brings into question whether the cold emotions are expanding to fit the deeper purpose or the dilated soul. (This would be solved by not only using commas when grammatically appropriate, instead of using one at the end of every line.) Either way, Earl has a deeper purpose that somehow involves his dilated soul and probably involves sadomasochism and might involve dead couples or living couples or nothing at all. Or maybe this story actually is about rollercoasters after all.

Quote:

Draw in those at a peak of their worth to keep them as is,
for a showcase of talent no one sees, but his kids and wife,
who live inside a fortress of torment, and forgive him despite,
each choice he's made, every voice that shrilly cried'n gave out to the anger,
each awoke to scenes of danger, instruments of pain in plain sight,
even Earl couldn't explain why he had thumbscrews and racks,
caltrops and tacks, needles in stacks stabbed into every joint,
like an accupunctorist that never understood the point of the art,
his family'd join when he'd start to scream the reason every fallen'd been slain,
call out their names, praying Dad'd feel involved with their pain.

OK, we've successfully debunked the rollercoaster theory. But there are so many questions here, particularly at the end. Here's what I've put together: Our friend Earl has young couples doing sadomasochistic acts in his basement. How does he get them there? Do they die? I don't know at all. But I now know he has a family that can hear the screams from the dungeon. Is Earl torturing these couples against their will? What does "keep them as is" mean in this context? But the real questions come in the last two lines. I have no idea what that couplet means. So the family would scream with him? What does "every fallen'd be slain" mean? I think this is the breaking point of the verse, the important couplet that probably links everything together. But I've read it over and over and have no idea what it means.

Quote:

I love you darling, where'd you kiss the first boy?
what have I missed you enjoyed?
is love a secret book kept under the pillows of those that don't bite..
or a notion of hopeless devotion those who don't grow to deploy..
as tools of misfortunate against those more open to hope..
too many've known this and grown over the voices who moan,
calling out'n lost tones romantic languages hoping to inspire,
ways of humanity most would loathe to admire.

Wait, what? Now we have first person? Who is speaking here? Is this Earl or the wife? It seems unlikely that a child would use "darling" to describe his or her parent. I'm gone here. Who's kissing boys? In the first line, should the word "For" be between "devotion" and "those"? So OK, so, so, the last two lines maybe suggest that this is the wife writing this, and she is saying that Earl is an artist or musician or something? Or is this verse about a sex change and a closeted gay man? This threw me for a loop. I don't know what to think here. I don't know what the goal of this stanza was.

So you hopefully can understand why I was confused by this verse. I still cannot say with certainty that I know what the plot points were. I also don't know how this verse applied to the topic, other than if I interpret the last stanza to be a letter from the wife to the husband saying that despite his deranged ways, she appreciates what he does. But that's a leap of faith for me. Your rhyming was fine, even very good in parts. I appreciate that you went big and tried something difficult, but clarity is the first step toward meaning.

Frank: You bit off more than you could chew here, even with the extra lines. Really, this verse would only have been a few lines at most over the limit has you broken your lines traditionally, but you love to test us anyway. This verse read way too much like an outline of Nelson Mandela's life. The strongest sections were on his childhood and on Robben Island. You didn't develop Mandela as a character as much as relay what he did, and the ending was very rushed. Rhymes were secondary at best, and the diction as a whole was scattered nad broken. The ambition was tremendous, and executing this concept well would have been quite a feat. But ultimately you're winning this battle more because of patrown's flaws than your own verse, which was a bit too easy right now with so many essays and obituaries floating in the ether about Mandela.

Vote: Frank

Diode · 12-12-2013, 12:51 AM

patrown: i don't know if you were trying to mimic frank's storyteller style here or what. i join the crowd in being confused as to how the separate stanza's connect to an overall story. the final one is especially unrelated to the others. i also don't see where the topic comes in. you did some interesting things with rhyme schemes, though occasionally there was such a large gap before it came back around that is really broke everything up from a flow perspective. i've seen you do better, i think you went for something a little more abstract here given your opponent.. but for me, it didn't work out. maybe i just didn't get it.

frank: good story telling, as always, and very relevant. your rhyming started off smooth but as you started to work in quotes it got a little disparate. a lot of this verse wasn't necessarily your own language, even, just his weaved in where you could make it fit. sometimes that worked out beautifully.. but others there was no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever. it did fit the topic in a creative way. much like patrown, i have seen you do better.. but in this case, you did enough.

v/ frank

e11even · 12-12-2013, 01:53 AM

Patrown- This was a hefty bowl to digest. Trying to grasp the very unorthodox, staggered flow in conjunction with this jumpy, disjointed plot was really hard to do. I understood parts while segregated, bt as a complete piece, it felt more incomplete and overly complicated. What I saw was a tormented boy who'd grown into a man with a vendetta against people of his past, all the while neglecting his family, a family he made that fails to understand him and his motives. But the connections between what seem to be subliminal messaging passages are horribly segued. I think there was a lot of effort on your part, but I feel you wrote yourself into a corner by trying to utilize too any devices without the proper conditioning to pull them off properly. The nail in the coffin was that you even abandoned your strength of rhyme scheming to reach for a win here. Great attempt... I admire the ambition, although it killed your execution.

Frank- This was an awesome reflection on the late great Nelson Mandela. The opening was amazing. I loved it. Then you slid into his life story of trials and triumphs. The rhyme structure and execution was inconsistent and sometimes pretty sloppy, but the attention to storytelling detail almost made up for it completely. This was the perfect week for a story guy like you to drop a monster, as Nelson was the perfect subject given the timing and storied life. I appreciate your verse and the fact that it was very readable and, in most parts, enjoyable. Great job.

This battle was unfortunate. I wish Pat had retained his trademarks while expanding on his abilities to really bring his attempt home to pose a formidable threat against Frank, but he was off the mark a bit. Frank kept the technique and MO pretty Frank, and overkilled with the excellent and well placed choice in topic. I appreciate the effort and hunger in both pieces, but there can only be one winner, and here its pretty obvious. MVGT Frank. Salute to you two gentlemen.

12-03-2013, 11:39 PM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899402	Playoffs Round 1: No. 6 Frank vs. No. 11 patrown - FRANK WINS 6-1 WELCOME TO ROUND 1 Verses due: Sunday, Dec. 8, 11:59 p.m. PT Voting deadline: Wednesday, Dec. 11, 11:59 p.m. PT Line limits: 48 lines maximum unless agreed upon before either opponent posts a verse. Requirement: Vote on all three first-round battles and post links in this thread. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted. Topic Never Change Good luck, @Frank and @patrown. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

12-04-2013, 03:10 AM	#2
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	Welcome! __________________ *VETWORK*

12-09-2013, 11:14 PM	#4
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	in the darkest light any human's ever seen, a red hue portays a measure of each scene he creates, in the back of Earl's Dream Scape, sealing their fate, each shots chosen as perfection frozen in time, each couple in focus at the moment chosen as prime, met a flash of the same type, blinding the moment they attained height, his story explains why.. Earl had always been the butt of jokes and last to be picked, bastardly rich, hazardous lifestyles had to be his, sniffing coke and drops a'cid opened the gates of his soul, which instantly dilated, and recreated each moment he controls, always reaching deeper into being for cold emotions expanding to fit, the deeper purpose inside humanity Earl preaches as his. Draw in those at a peak of their worth to keep them as is, for a showcase of talent no one sees, but his kids and wife, who live inside a fortress of torment, and forgive him despite, each choice he's made, every voice that shrilly cried'n gave out to the anger, each awoke to scenes of danger, instruments of pain in plain sight, even Earl couldn't explain why he had thumbscrews and racks, caltrops and tacks, needles in stacks stabbed into every joint, like an accupunctorist that never understood the point of the art, his family'd join when he'd start to scream the reason every fallen'd been slain, call out their names, praying Dad'd feel involved with their pain. I love you darling, where'd you kiss the first boy? what have I missed you enjoyed? is love a secret book kept under the pillows of those that don't bite.. or a notion of hopeless devotion those who don't grow to deploy.. as tools of misfortunate against those more open to hope.. too many've known this and grown over the voices who moan, calling out'n lost tones romantic languages hoping to inspire, ways of humanity most would loathe to admire. Last edited by patrown; 12-09-2013 at 11:19 PM.

12-10-2013, 02:56 AM	#5
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	True story On the first day of school my teacher Ms. Mdingane gave us each an English name This was the custom among Africans in those days Those demeaning days It was undoubtedly due to the British bias of education under the regales regional reign: The drought of disparity is a pinkish decay, a muddy mixture of unimpeachable clay. .. That day, Ms. Mdingane told me that my name was Nelson - I wrote it neat on the page Intrigued by the language, foreign to my palate – the word grew increasingly strange Nel-son My father said Nel-son?! What about Rolihlal Mandiba? And threw his face in his hands completely in shame "Nelson" my sister said, beaming in braids; "Nelson Mandela” The first in his family to attend school - the Parthian age. Rivonia trial 1963 - Refusing to call any witnesses, and turning his plea of mitigation into a political speech, International campaign lobbied for his release with picket signs and militant feet “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can't make a difference Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has'' he says grinning to a T; ‘’I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society In which all persons live together in harmony And with equal opportunities It is an ideal which I hope to live for To achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for I am prepared to die.’’ Sabotage - conspiracy to violently overthrow the government – .. "What is Nelson's plea?" .. "Guilty on all accounts: Ignored all calls for clemency." Robben Island 1975 Imprisoned in a damp, concrete cell measuring 8 feet by 7 feet, in which nothing was ever meant to survive He worked himself to death in the lime quarry, where he was subjected to hard labor After a long day of, breaking rocks into gravel, he came to his cell mat of straw layers and layed there. Forbidden to wear sunglasses. The insane glare from the lime light permanently damaged his eyesight His vision for the future remained bright, brighter than any ultra violet blinding light University of Robben Island was where he would learn to fight, Fight crime Until he found himself in Solitary confinement On several occasions for possessing smuggled news clippings Class D he was permitted one visit and one letter every six months although all mail was heavily censored. ANC prisoners elected him - Dignitaries lecturing on their own areas of expertise, he debated with them. .. It’s now a national world-site heritage .. "Football gave hope to his fellow inmates - during our time spent. The game made us feel alive and triumphant despite the situation we found ourselves in.” . . . . . . February 11, 1990, A day of honor. "Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don't make it wait any longer.” 100,000 people at Johannesburg’s soccer city; crazy, the place was bonkers, The racism, segregated, the hate was conquered! The first photographs of Mandela were allowed to be published in South Africa for 20 years - His face was on the front page, it read "Democracies Founding Father'' The stage was monster - He waved and the sound waves waved an awesome feeling to have been there - amazing response "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” He smiled - The smile that would constitute change. “Look around you. Everything changes. Everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, adapting, enhancing, and improving with change. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” You are the change. "I was not a messiah, but an ordinary man who had become a leader of extraordinary circumstances Prisoner to a President. My Name is Nelson Mandela Godbless ya Rest In Peace “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 1 __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 12-10-2013 at 07:14 AM.

12-11-2013, 08:26 PM	#7
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 13,052 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899406	patrown: Had to read this a few times to get the plot. Maybe I'm stupid. I thought you had stretches where you picked up steam and fleshed out ideas well. There were random bursts of creative rhyming and rhythm that I also enjoyed. My main problem here is the lack of depth in terms of 'Earl'. This read like a snapshot instead of a sketch. A snapshot can work but it has to be a bit more vivid and descriptive than this, I would think. There was a lot vagueness here. I think you would have been better served with a little back story and/or description of why Earl's the way he is. Also, my read through was a bit tripped up four lines in during your third verse; the scheme got a little choppy. Aside from that you were spot on in terms of technical ability. Frank: Not your best verse, but still pretty good. As usual you had random spots of beautifully phrased ideas or descriptions. Your rhymes, though, were a bit pedestrian compared to what you normally bring. It seems you purposefully went with content over complexity which is fine but the content itself was exactly mind blowing. A fun history lesson for the youngsters, I guess. This was closer than I anticipated. patrown had a pretty solid verse that was a bit more typically constructed in comparison to Franks which I actually preferred this go around. On the other hand, Frank was much more clear and pointed in his message. He also related to the topic a bit better than patrown did in my mind, which is weird because he's not afraid to just ignore a topic. He also had some brilliant flashes he and there, as I said, and I think he did just enough to pull out the win. He'll have to do better going forward, though. Good read guys. v/Frank __________________ If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me?

12-04-2013, 06:50 PM	#3
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	check

12-10-2013, 01:22 PM	#6
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,033 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743544	I got frank here. executed pretty well especially for a character sketch with cool flow and cadence, the story had suspense, imagery galore and frank's unique perspective/wording into it...breathless your shit was dope in parts, second verse was my fav. If you would have kept that up you could have beat Frank but imo that verse outshined all your other ones by a decent margin. The wording in verse 2 was excellent and it rang more profound to me. Concise and more to the point, while still containing great wording and a deep psychological portrait v/ frank

12-11-2013, 09:27 PM	#8
breathless Master of Beastiality Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Lansing, Mi Posts: 368 Battle Record: 4-6 Rep Power: 0	@NYCSPITZ didn't you call pat by my name a couple weeks ago too? Lmao, and we were matched up this week at that! Smh Frank - Given that the topic was never change, I don't think you hit it well at all, Mandela was all about change, from a militant revolutionary extremist to a pacifist leader Christian... Quite changey. I wasn't really feeling a lot of the mechanics and lack of cohesive rhymes, at times they were so stretched that the inner schemes did nothing to hold it together, there were even a couple standalone lines that were basically independent in themselves Like these Fight crime Until he found himself in Solitary confinement On several occasions for possessing smuggled news clippings Class D he was permitted one visit and one letter every six months although all mail was heavily censored. ANC prisoners elected him - But, there were a couple gems, the lime light bit killed it and the rivonia stanza was real nice, but, it went on a bit too long really Pat - I thought your cadence and mechanics were spectacular in this, especially how you staggered a couple end schemes back a few syllables and played them to still read cohesively... even Earl couldn't explain why he had thumbscrews and racks, caltrops and tacks, needles in stacks stabbed into every joint, like an accupunctorist that never understood the point of the art, his family'd join when he'd start to scream the reason every fallen'd been slain, call out their names, praying Dad'd feel involved with their pain. The missing the point part really got me, and the dilating the gates of his soul was superb metanalogy. This whole thing read real nice for me, with an overtone of a drug addict who tried to love, but wouldn't change his ways or his attempts to love, the ending words "loathe to admire" left it at a strong point, I wish there was another line or two to fully wrap it up, but all around I was pretty impressed Vote - Pat __________________ I used to be amazing... http://soundcloud.com/dancourser/sets

12-11-2013, 10:14 PM	#9
Mike Wrecka WOW Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,521 Battle Record: 29-25 Champed - Writing Challenge League I Rep Power: 82779335	patrown - good verse. most complete thing ive read from you in quite a while. the story was pretty sadistic and interesting. but it was kind of blurry to me as to what was going on in some spots. I wish it was more descriptive. the rhyming was very solid but not insanely next level or anything. and in some spots your rhyme scheme is unusual to me. but overall I enjoyed it. it was solid frank - ya this was a novel. it was dope on a lot of levels. the rhyming and flow was excellent. sometimes I find your flow to be suprising, you format differently than anyone else here so the rhymes surprise me sometimes but I always find them without trying. hard to explain. the story was like a history paper which has boring written all over it but you gave us a good cross section of his life concentrating on the monumental moments of his life. I liked it. it was a strong submission. overall = I will quote myself from one of my videos here, "never give frank a line extension unless your stupid" you didn't listen to my advice friend. this much very good content cant be beat by your much shorter verse. BUT even if his verse was the same length as yours , he would still have gotten my vote , more engaging story and much better mechanics vote- francis the praying mantis __________________ A.bove T.he R.est

12-12-2013, 12:51 AM	#11
Diode PR's Finest Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 14,156 Battle Record: 12-7 Rep Power: 85899406	patrown: i don't know if you were trying to mimic frank's storyteller style here or what. i join the crowd in being confused as to how the separate stanza's connect to an overall story. the final one is especially unrelated to the others. i also don't see where the topic comes in. you did some interesting things with rhyme schemes, though occasionally there was such a large gap before it came back around that is really broke everything up from a flow perspective. i've seen you do better, i think you went for something a little more abstract here given your opponent.. but for me, it didn't work out. maybe i just didn't get it. frank: good story telling, as always, and very relevant. your rhyming started off smooth but as you started to work in quotes it got a little disparate. a lot of this verse wasn't necessarily your own language, even, just his weaved in where you could make it fit. sometimes that worked out beautifully.. but others there was no rhyme or reason to it whatsoever. it did fit the topic in a creative way. much like patrown, i have seen you do better.. but in this case, you did enough. v/ frank __________________

12-12-2013, 01:53 AM	#12
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	Patrown- This was a hefty bowl to digest. Trying to grasp the very unorthodox, staggered flow in conjunction with this jumpy, disjointed plot was really hard to do. I understood parts while segregated, bt as a complete piece, it felt more incomplete and overly complicated. What I saw was a tormented boy who'd grown into a man with a vendetta against people of his past, all the while neglecting his family, a family he made that fails to understand him and his motives. But the connections between what seem to be subliminal messaging passages are horribly segued. I think there was a lot of effort on your part, but I feel you wrote yourself into a corner by trying to utilize too any devices without the proper conditioning to pull them off properly. The nail in the coffin was that you even abandoned your strength of rhyme scheming to reach for a win here. Great attempt... I admire the ambition, although it killed your execution. Frank- This was an awesome reflection on the late great Nelson Mandela. The opening was amazing. I loved it. Then you slid into his life story of trials and triumphs. The rhyme structure and execution was inconsistent and sometimes pretty sloppy, but the attention to storytelling detail almost made up for it completely. This was the perfect week for a story guy like you to drop a monster, as Nelson was the perfect subject given the timing and storied life. I appreciate your verse and the fact that it was very readable and, in most parts, enjoyable. Great job. This battle was unfortunate. I wish Pat had retained his trademarks while expanding on his abilities to really bring his attempt home to pose a formidable threat against Frank, but he was off the mark a bit. Frank kept the technique and MO pretty Frank, and overkilled with the excellent and well placed choice in topic. I appreciate the effort and hunger in both pieces, but there can only be one winner, and here its pretty obvious. MVGT Frank. Salute to you two gentlemen. __________________ Ahem.