06-04-2015, 10:47 AM | #1 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)
Rep Power: 49604316 |
R. 2: Pent uP vs. Soulstice - (Pent Up wins)
Welcome to Round 2 of the tournament.
There is no line limit. VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks) Verses Due Tuesday Night. (June 9th) Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. (24 hour extensions are allowed. Only one though.) Voting Ends Thursday Night 12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK. Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied Have Fun Peace @Pent uP @Soulstice TOPIC: Last edited by Vulgar; 06-04-2015 at 11:20 AM. |
06-04-2015, 12:49 PM | #2 |
native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 387
Battle Record: 18-21
Champed - Short-Verse Topical
Rep Power: 4453407 |
Tourney doesn't start until the ritualistic soul vs pent battle
cool pic |
06-04-2015, 03:56 PM | #3 | |
Robin Williams of Fallen Victims
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,502
Battle Record: 25-11
Accomplishments - NC Hall of Fame
Champed - Netcees Writers League (2x)
- NWL Season 1
- Write Night I
- Art of Writing League (2x)
- Write Week IV
Rep Power: 6862272 |
I thought we would be the finalists
Cheers man - lets give them a show
__________________
Quote:
|
|
06-12-2015, 07:13 PM | #4 |
Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)
Rep Power: 49604316 |
Soulstice's verse:
He thought of the clouds Where he drank away his arrogant youth In that crotchety town That would barely approve Of his trumpeting mischief With his careless, uncouth Thunderous misfits.... Songvale. A mortal might call it: a lakeside dream As Michael tore through it at break-neck speeds On his triple-crown Pegasus, the City-Cloud eminent of all race-adept steeds. With a bottle of golden elixir in one hand, the other: a magnificent vixen To be forgotten tomorrow, she'll be lost in the bottle While he wishes his liver forgives him. Later that night, representing Aegis Academy He finishes first in the race, with radiant majesty He savors it happily. He sees the next one.. his lips pop on her cheek And they retreat to the estate which his father bequeathed His father, Lord Achil. The mighty protector of Heaven's realms Slayer of horned beasts: emissaries helming Hell It's hereditary, He's next to shelter and conquer the patterns Of the six-headed hydra-riding monsters attacking. In a spherical room, trapped in blue-electric restraints Cursing the ancient magic that kept him in place While he was nearing his doom, he shivered and wept And thought of the Moment.. became filled with regret. At the Achil Estate.. Where the bubbly's shared.. champagne erupting from bottles, spurring laughter It hung in the air, you could gaze into eternal rapture While burning ashes of dead golems for a spectacular high Compelling dancing for now, forgoing the chalice of wine The palace divine, trysts barely hidden behind tall ivory pillars Drunk angels peering into the pit of false idols and sinners Has father imprisoned.. as they whistled, hooted, laugh Until one tipped over and fell, into the abyssal supermax Became coated in putrid black, teeth angled in impossible ways Eyes flaring red, but at least locked in the grave... In a fractal steel-gray prison in the Outer Dark He remembers it all, it nearly drowns his heart His captors have forgot him in this metal barge In the Forbidden Galaxy, where he's left to starve.. In the morning, cups and precious jewels littered the lawn and Ancient amulets hung from the intricate fauna Last night was awesome, he mused in hungover pride He wandered the house and found there was someone inside What's up, he inquired, an empty stare was returned But hes still drunk, the soulless iris barely disturbed Can you show me the Aegis? Eyes blank as ever Bro... of course! He took him to the sanctuary The sanctuary. Where the Blade of Immortals rested The Infinite Arc and other important weapons But none more respected than wars bane itself The intersection of battle and peace. The Aegis Bell He opened the Golden Gate like a proud parent "This thing moves mountains, makes clouds perish" He's loud, relished the moment. Another friend he impressed When suddenly he lashed out, put a welt on his chest His eyes flared red... shadows engulfed the ***kling figure The aegis was gone, and powers balance had shifted |
06-13-2015, 01:00 AM | #5 | |
Robin Williams of Fallen Victims
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,502
Battle Record: 25-11
Accomplishments - NC Hall of Fame
Champed - Netcees Writers League (2x)
- NWL Season 1
- Write Night I
- Art of Writing League (2x)
- Write Week IV
Rep Power: 6862272 |
The Vestibule Abstract Dimension Zero -- It's hard to explain - an atom particle: plain and harboring information that might embark to your brain, but it'll go unnoticed like binary code to computers or nucleotides as their shown in us humans. Consider it a pixel with a formidable future - bits of information that grow with the user. Dont get confused though; It's not one of the world's inventions. It's just nothingness with potential purpose pending. The First Dimension -- A line such as one on paper this verse is penned in. Constructed from previous dots, who's measurement is endless. The further it's traveled the greater the distance - in a round-about sense you could take the equator for instance. Still not finite like the matter of Jesus, or the path of the breeze when a traveler sneezes. It could be the border in a picture between canvas and cretin, or the galaxy's timeline - if we ever happen to see it. The Second Dimension -- Crafted from pieces of infinite lines that are presently set in - forming planes such as signs warning plebs of a dead end. It has space to be used, or could be traveled and touched - such as subway walls when bombers handle a brush or have a can in their clutch. A tray managed at lunch is a plane until it's a space with bags full of grub. Make a canvas erupt by putting dots on a plane -- and manipulate art in a godly exchange. The Third Dimension -- A quadrant contained when planes intersect - plotting a space for matter such as a brain in a head. If the plane was a bed - the space could be the length of your leg. Just like your face is the surface for sweat during insatiable dread. It's all relative - there's no theory to string here. This is the dimension we live in, and where I clearly just drink beer. It's weird, now, to think clear - A gypsy's the same as a prince when we think of matter as information and bits. Genetic coding is luck no matter how lame it can get - comparable to gambling versus gaming with wit. The Fourth Dimension -- Is insane in a sense. A space of spaces affixed to each other - I suspect this is where we may just exist. The consensus is "Time," but I think that Dimension is "Five." In this Dimension: space is the element of design. The information allows matter to strengthen and fly - creating features around us like the sediment and the sky, but most importantly: The atmosphere to our cities. Explaining "Why" can be adhereingly tricky. Saccadic Suppression -- when your eyes see motions flying and mask the perception with pre-programmed images that are mapped in a second. Well, less, but the math is eccentric. Fathom the message and get a grasp on the leverage. Your brain "photoshops" reality for practical penchant - but what subconscious duties on average are endless that we never engaged or had to have questioned? Such as: does a painters' brain see the canvas as exits? For Saccadic Suppression to work - the elements must agree: for every plausible action the brain expects what to see. So either we control time, and in a sense are a cheat, or have psychic abilities on a sensible leash. I think neither are true, but the former is close. This explains poor decisions from morons and dopes. Also, this lends to De Ja Vu's as a trail of the false: when your brain has a misstep and fails the saccade. A brain is an organ that monitors how it's changed and evolved; That taught you how to protect it from the painful and wrong. It knows when to recharge and when to escape with alarm. Uses our body to take an emotion and make it a song. It's a gateway to the gods - connected to the building blocks. While we're just the vestibule and living stock. It's producing immortality and paving the course tall - but our body is barely breaking the fourth wall.
__________________
Quote:
|
|
06-13-2015, 03:34 PM | #6 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5
Rep Power: 23856375 |
Soulstice: First of all, having now read quite a numerous of your pieces, I think you went a different route this time. Albeit, you still chose to deliver your story with the refinement that comes whenever Soulstice writes a piece. And I have to say, you are one of the best story-tellers in the site, mostly because of your attention to detail, and ability to depict it, while still carrying out the narrative, something I struggle with at times. But, you excel in it. Sometimes, you stories get so much into the details, that they become lackluster. and though their sustenance is there to feed the reader, sometimes it is less nourishing and impactful. This was the case here. Nevertheless, it was well-written, but I did not feel it had the pizazz that lured me in. Although, I did like the take. Mythological, and fable-like.
Pent Up: Undoubtedly the best verse I've read from you. Excellent take on the topic. The different dimensions was an excellent angle. Honestly, when your topic was posted, I also thought of that approach. But, I did not think about to the extent that you did. Yours was multi-dimensional and atomically expansive. I thought the piece was incredible, but I do think there are some things you could improve about it if you were to try to refine it. I thought the second dimension stanza was the worst, and could be re-written, I did not think it captured the essence of each dimension as the others did. I also thought the third dimension, some of the ephemeral bits were uninspired and not as impactful as they could be, seeing that is the dimension that we call our abode. I enjoyed the elements of neuroscience, the link between the functions of eye movements and the correlative advances in perception of the brain, as well as having a part in its evolution. But, then you added our conundrum in the last stanza. Splendid. vote: Pent Up Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 06-14-2015 at 05:36 PM. |
06-13-2015, 06:17 PM | #7 |
White Earl
|
Im so fuckibg pissed. Had this broken down and lost it because the token expired??? WTF man.
Anyhow. Both yall merked this. Soulstice. I was gonna vote for you earlier but i ran out of time and had to leave.. i just came back and re examined eachverse and realized what peng did in breakibg down the construction of a verse in such a scientific way yet it relates to the gods and was blown away. Take nothibg away from soulstice i have to vote for peng up. I honestly wrote three times as much as this before it got deleted. V/pent up Against anyone else.. soulstice would have stole. The show with this verse. Again BULLSHIT THAT KY FUCKIBG TOKEN.. WHATEVER THE HELLBTHAT IS.. EXPIRED AND I HAD TO HIT BACKPAGE JUST TO FIND EVERYTHIBG I WROTE WAS GONE.. THIS WAS BROKEN DOWN WAY FURTHER.
__________________
-A.bove T.he R.est |
06-13-2015, 08:50 PM | #8 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,016
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349678 |
this was an interesting take from both writers...
Soul, I really dug your verse man, it reminded me of some Jim Henson stuff really making the topic your own and carrying through with a vivid tale I really enjoyed the opening section when I started.. On his triple-crown Pegasus, the City-Cloud eminent of all race-adept steeds. With a bottle of golden elixir in one hand, the other: a magnificent vixen To be forgotten tomorrow, she'll be lost in the bottle This little area was dope, and really worth the read as it progressed you picked up the pace and went in depth but after this section I felt like you lost focus on where you were going In the morning, cups and precious jewels littered the lawn and Ancient amulets hung from the intricate fauna Last night was awesome, he mused in hungover pride And it's sad because I really enjoyed how it was working out for you... either way this was a good piece coming from you breh, different but cool Pent, Well I thought this was a step back for you... the rhymes & the pace of your piece seemed really rushed for me it's not up to par with your usual work you do I've seen you drop more well rounded pieces than I can mention not saying it was bad, it's just not what I'd expect from you A line such as one on paper this verse is penned in. Constructed from previous dots, who's measurement is endless. The further it's traveled the greater the distance - This little section was really well put together. I thought the transition from World 1 to World 2 was cool Is insane in a sense. A space of spaces affixed to each other - I suspect this is where we may just exist. The consensus is "Time," but I think that Dimension is "Five." In this Dimension: space is the element of design. The information allows matter to strengthen and fly This was pretty cool to you pick steam back up towards the end maybe the opening is where you really lost me but at the end it picks up either way I felt this was a standard pent verse...nice work breh v/To be honest I felt that both writers came correct in their areas of expertise both having their moment to shine while they both had areas I found trouble with I did enjoy everything up until the end of each piece... but I'm going to have to give this to Pent, the closure in his piece felt well contrived anyway good battle fella's keep it up v/Pent
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|