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Old 02-08-2019, 07:28 AM   #1
sral
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Exclamation Blue Bayou vs Nigma

NWL:Season I: Week X
@Blue Bayou vs @Nigma

Verses ares due: THURSDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.

TOPIC THREAD IS FOUND AT THE TOP OF THIS FORUM WITH THE BATTLES - PICK FROM THE TOPIC THREAD!
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Last edited by sral; 02-08-2019 at 08:20 AM.
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Old 02-08-2019, 10:01 AM   #2
Blue Bayou
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Old 02-11-2019, 11:41 AM   #3
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.
.
the system is broken. it’s truly such a miserable notion
more ass-backwards then an eel doing twists in the ocean
a glitch in components. so sick & it sticks to the quotient
fickle & dormant. progressions off track with some missing coordinate’s
white noise in effect. the wrong lessons from a poisonous pen
not one mention of credit cards.. mortgages or avoidance of debt
annoyed & a wreck. we don’t learn about budgets & taxes
we learn trigonometry. pie graphs & what’s under an axis
it’s utterly madness. teacher sayin “come & see me in private”
tellin me i need ADHD pills.. bitch all i really need is some guidance
a key realignment. one that supersedes the thieves & the tyrants
it needs a refinement. plus a new regime to give me the assignments
i frown at the truth. come here world let me holler atchu
instead of new triangles you need to try new angles on how to improve
i’ll prolly turn to the bottle. each & every word is just hollow
no nuggets of hope & if i fail this bullshit i gotta work at McDonalds
the system is broken. it’s truly such a miserable notion
more ass-backwards then an eel doing twists in the ocean
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Last edited by Blue Bayou; 02-12-2019 at 11:31 AM.
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Old 02-14-2019, 09:20 AM   #4
sral
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@Nigma
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Old 02-15-2019, 07:21 AM   #5
sral
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IF HE DOESN'T SHOW BY TOMORROW NIGHT, I'LL LEAVE YOU SUPER FEED ON THIS BLUE AND I'LL ENSURE YOU GET A SUPER OPPONENT NEXT WEEK
@Nigma
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:38 PM   #6
Blue Bayou
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No show
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Old 02-20-2019, 09:26 AM   #7
sral
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LOL @ eel doing twists in the ocean. I really disliked that for some reason. I'm not entirely too sure why.

I like the style here, remind me of ill nik-A tbh when he was doing these type of jawns, flow is largely on point which the topical heads will enjoy - though its rough in a couple of spots like that "missing coordinates" line.

Quote:
a glitch in components. so sick & it sticks to the quotient
fickle & dormant. progressions off track with some missing coordinate’s
There's just too many syllables in that one line, but its a minor thing and you bounce right back from it. If anything, quotient/dormant/coordinates is an awkward rhyme for me in my accent but I can maybe see how yours leans toward it. I can see WHY you would do that, scheme wise, for the multies, to maybe help the flow if that's something you were focused on maybe- but if anything your rhyme placement in the setup line with the "sick" and "it" is what helps it have a better cadence with those similar sounding words thrown in between the multies. There's less of them in the second line, which maybe creates a feeling of a lull between the two multies at either end that you had. Do you see that? It just needs a couple words with that "FIC" or "MIS" hard I sound to carry it a little better. It's a small thing, and one maybe not paid much attention in the battle realm, but here where verses get picked apart it's a noticeable thing (to me) and one you could easily remedy with a little time and polish to it.

Quote:
white noise in effect. the wrong lessons from a poisonous pen
not one mention of credit cards.. mortgages or avoidance of debt
I actually liked the setup idea about the teachers poisonous pen better than I did the second line here to be real, I thought it had more substance to it. The second line was maybe more in-keeping with the theme of the useless stuff we're taught in school rather than life stuff we need to educate the uh-oh's of society but personally I preferred the first lines idea. Lol.

Quote:
annoyed & a wreck. we don’t learn about budgets & taxes
we learn trigonometry. pie graphs & what’s under an axis
I've similar thoughts with this one also, actually, the second line isn't really a payoff - or doesn't feel that way - I feel like if you had flipped these around somehow so it read as "we learn trigonometry. pie graphs & what’s under an axis/but nothing on balancing income with budgets and taxes" it would have more of a pay off to the reader, you know? It's almost like with text battling in some respects, you want the payoff line to be at that point. You don't want it to be in the setup almost. It seems to work better the other way round (to me).

Quote:
it’s utterly madness. teacher sayin “come & see me in private”
tellin me i need ADHD pills.. bitch all i really need is some guidance
The fun thing with seeing battlers try topical ish is that they have a tendency toward writing more punchline-esque stuff, and even here there's a few elements of that. The trigonometry line to me was a good example of it. The ADHD pills one maybe a clearer example, but it's there, along with that nuggets/McDonalds and try angles ish. It's no bad thing, personally I quite enjoy reading those as it's so different from what we get used to seeing in here so it's refreshing from that standpoint. I'd actually like to see more of it from topical heads and find it odd that we don't see it more regularly.

Quote:
a key realignment. one that supersedes the thieves & the tyrants
it needs a refinement. plus a new regime to give me the assignments
You did better here with the rhyme placement, including that supercedes/new regime ish. I'd have maybe ditched the "plus" from that second line, just to give it even more flow, I tend to take a 'less is more' approach to writing and get rid of anything I deem unnecessary. If it's not rhyming or contributing something to the line, out it goes. All the excesses. Scrap 'em. They're adding nothing. They're just detracting from your verse. Just my protip.


Quote:
i frown at the truth. come here world let me holler atchu
instead of new triangles you need to try new angles on how to improve
I know triangles/try angles has been done before but that didn't take much away from this one to be honest. I enjoyed it. Well worked in.

Quote:
i’ll prolly turn to the bottle. each & every word is just hollow
no nuggets of hope & if i fail this bullshit i gotta work at McDonalds
This one is similar to the above also, reminded me of Pinot Grij tbh. Definitely something he would do. It would be good to see you both square off on one of these.

As far as the actual topic went, I think you did well picking something very vague and open ended so you could do with it what you wanted. I think if you had picked something with like a dragon and a warrior squaring up to fight, you would have had less room to manoeuvre and it wouldn't have suited your strongpoint. I try to lean away from that when offering up topic suggestions, I like to pick some topic choices that leave it up to the reader to interpret as they will and make something from. It keeps stuff interesting. I think something the picture can dictate the way the verse HAS to go somewhat and I didn't want that to happen. It's more fun this way. Nigma is a decent topical writer and could probably have built something to the same image as you, that's why I was keen to see you face, so it's a shame he decided not to show up. You did very well. It would be interesting to see you try to write out an actual story with characters and backstory and maybe some kind of twist ending etc; I think so at least.

Thanks for showing.

Keep that pen moving!
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Last edited by sral; 02-20-2019 at 10:04 AM.
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Old 02-23-2019, 04:30 PM   #8
Blue Bayou
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Posts: 5,089
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Accomplishments
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Champed
- NBL Season 3
- Alias Tournament II
- Fight Night XLVIII
- Fight Night XXV
- Fight Night XV
- Fight Night (3x)
- Netcees Battle League (4x)
- NBL Tag Team Season 3
- Lyric Olympics
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- Battle Arena League (2x)
- Key Grand Prix 2018 1/2
- BA Tag
- NPL Roast
- Netcees Pic League

Rep Power: 17502332
Blue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant futureBlue Bayou has a brilliant future
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Thanks for the feed
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Uve won"
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