06-20-2016, 11:23 PM | #1 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 17
Rep Power: 3435999 |
Wry in Styles
I've been funkin'
No hallitosis. I got that lemon / baking powder home remedy and ya pal is focused. Even the north Cali homeless have Silicon Valley fortunes. Fortunately half the homebreads aren't really bread at home. I'm dead and zoned in a dead-end zone with my deadened soul. Dreading strolls based on preceeding expectations, when around each corner a freezing hell awaits. Sent numerous friend requests, empty texts, and breathless vents from my helpless heads to complete the self-awaken. At night I dont hate fuck fake sluts, I eat their sense of safety and proceed to please with vehement penetration. A rush we ride that young'ns find easy when they're dating. Then I light a victory match, which ignites the cigar and finish. The startling difference between normal and bizarre is inches... ..Inches of space such as a kiss on the lips or a spit in the face. ...Inches erased such as holding a photo versus gripping a waist. ...Inches untraced like a dear John letter that sounds like howling wind. I've read so many I could have drowned in fountain pens. My id and heart hit their mark when they faught my karma so many times that I'm fit to star in a hospital drama. Between the soap box and gold rocks locked in vaults of greed I'm lost to see Whose Line Is It Anyway? I'm callin' mockery. - Otto P Last edited by Otto Peighlaught; 06-26-2016 at 05:51 PM. |
06-20-2016, 11:24 PM | #2 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 17
Rep Power: 3435999 |
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.ph...wpost&t=124059
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=124053 http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123851 http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123817 http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123972 Last edited by Otto Peighlaught; 06-26-2016 at 05:49 PM. |
06-22-2016, 12:35 PM | #3 |
SYRACUSE
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,033
Battle Record: 31-37
Champed - Write Night II
- Alias Topical Tournament
Rep Power: 4743544 |
this had some cool elements to it. I liked the dead zone through dreading strolls line. The inches stuff added a different element to it. disparate images that didn't seem particularly coherent imo. Lots of misspelling and some of it came off as glib platitudes. Don't worry I do it too. I feel like you're somebody who'd probably be good at audio more than topicals. Do ur thing player
__________________
UNIFIED THEORY |
06-27-2016, 04:34 AM | #4 | ||
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,633
Battle Record: 3-5
Champed - Haiku Writers Challenge
Rep Power: 85899377 |
Quote:
Quote:
I think one thing that really stood out to me was the pacing and delivery. Some ideas were content dense, and these thoughts were split between being lighthearted and being solemn. Rather than your piece seeming scattered, you used your flow of ideas and controlled the context of each segment so that these concepts could coexist without infringing on one another. Never seemed rushed or conversely dragged on, just well metered Only complaint is that some of the more serious concepts didnt totally engage me. I didnt really like h the Inches erased/ Inches untraced concept. Just a little bit needlessly overdressed. but the surrounding lines (dear John) were sincere and engaging nice shit, keep posting
__________________
|
||
07-04-2016, 01:03 PM | #5 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 17
Rep Power: 3435999 |
Good looks. Anyone else?
|
07-08-2016, 07:06 PM | #6 | ||||||||
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899402 |
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
This was a good-enough piece that was very rough around the edges and lacking focus. Clean up some of the slant rhymes and stop forcing twists that mess up the flow of the stream of consciousness. You turn a phrase well on occasion, but that occasion comes too infrequently because of the sloppiness. I will be looking for future works, @Otto Peighlaught. Also, learn to spell.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. Last edited by Certain; 07-08-2016 at 07:08 PM. |
||||||||
|
|