Week 8:Symetrik vs Asylum (ASYLUM WINS 5-3)

asylum · 04-20-2016, 06:51 PM

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/24 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:

Good luck to both participants.
@symetrik (3-2) and @asylum (4-3)

symetrik · 04-24-2016, 01:50 PM

I've never been labeled a liar,
more often I'm seen in a three-piece-suit that feels like it's never been ironed,
I smoke from a pipe of proportionate size to my pride. it serves as a gentle reminder-
that passion is power to tear a man down, while he swears that he's never been wiser.

"higher!"'s been haunting my day-dreaming lately
I'm trying to seem unaffected… while knowing the steam from my glasses betray me
and young though she was, it was nothing but love…
"hijole mijo, tu chica's joven…". like dude, we're not even dating.
and weak though I am, I will strike a man down who accuses the actions I've taken.
I'm shaken to think of the pain she exists
the things that she's been through and hates to relive
"quiero sentirme viva hasta que muera", though honestly me?… she need not convince

and so it begins
I told her the stories that Emily loved.
her eyes were a light, and they melted the hearts that her vision had touched.
I choked from the lungs, knowing the treatment was never enough
I promised to save her but "nunca hay prisa"… there's never a rush.

my blood to the bugs always hungry for hers…
they're mixed in reaction. the doctors say better, her family swears that I'm making it worse.
their doubt has been eating my bones and I feel at a loss for appropriate words
but I'm giving her time, if even a day… surely I need not explain what it's worth?
the silence, it hurts. I'll never forget that I failed my first…

a curse is not without blessing
a lesson I learned when she passed.
the hand that I held as I stood by her side… I'm thankful she finished her laugh,
that moment of lapse… frantic for fingers that slid from my grasp.
I'm shattered and mad but the hospital trusts me and wants me to help… so I know that she isn't my last.

asylum · 04-26-2016, 02:58 AM

It was another Saturday night in the mountain town of Willow Pines,
a group of college kids had a night on the town, swallowing pints,
when the friend who tagged along and followed behind,
spoke for what felt like the first time.
He said, “There’s an abandoned factory we can drink at with no houses in sight,
TRUST ME when I tell you if we go, you’ll have the time of your life.”
Six more rounds of shots and they were off to find the cast-outs party spot,
the chicks had doubts, but the bar was closing and it was the only option in their party’s plot,
their Ferraris and Porsches all parked in the parking lot in front of no trespassing signs,
and they all gathered round the ladder as Marvin started to climb.
“Don’t be alarmed, this is the hardest part! Once you’re inside you can see in the moonshine.”
It smelled musty in the empty building where rusty machines dotted the scene,
they walked between them through the misty warehouse as if lost in a dream,
until a broken handrail swung off the catwalk, cutting her shrill scream short,
her boyfriend stood in horror, still holding a hand dripping gore from a severed shoulder,
"I'm sorry for your loss, Steven.. but I hope you know this night isn't over."
they snapped back to reality.. hearing his laughter echo in the rafters,
ruffling bats that sprang to life and screeched into the night..
The next room they entered was brightened by the intense gleam,
of moonlight shining through the roof in it’s center,
spreading red light on the group like they were reflections of burning embers.
Her boyfriend wandered close and she held his hand in the light to display an open palm,
Marvin moved close in, grabbed her wrist and within half of a moment,
he sunk his knife between his eyes.. and both pupils slowly opened.
Amanda’s eyes closed and she froze in amazement,
her jaws locked.. persuading a scream to stay in as it left her pursed lips,
“you'll stay alive in my dreams,” he wrote with blood in cursive,
both eyes glazed over reflecting the knife's edge as it gleamed,
her stared into them deeply as he screamed "THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!"

Frank · 04-26-2016, 10:34 PM

Pardon my brevity.

Decent read. Not completely satisfied with either's interpretation. Asylum was much closer in terms of depicting his version, even though it is all up for interpretation, I just appreciate when a writer actually nails the picture. Again, neither really did that. Interesting usage of Spanish by Symetrick. Fiesty writing. I just preferred Asylum verse with the above picture a little more. Plain and simple.

MVGT Asylum

Mr. J · 04-27-2016, 03:08 AM

Sym, I enjoyed the start of your piece due to its smoothness
then I reached the end of the first portion & its almost like music...
the exists/relive idea was so nice that Im going to let it slide
you make up for it in the second half & allow yourself to let perfection ride.
I really enjoyed the style you use it reminds me of some old heads
really dope work here brah, I honestly feel so blessed...

Asy, I thought this was a great piece on your behalf
you show so much with the perfect pacing that its mad...
I thought the vibe you brought set the overall tone.
you painted an interesting picture within your raw flow
about a few lines in the second half you stumbled a bit
but you were able to squeeze an inner up to the slip.
a perfect display from you, you get more impressive each week
this was more out of your comfort zone & it has pleased me.

v/Asylum, I thought both did a bang up job to be honest
but where symetrik fumbled, asylum pushed through the gauntlet
you showcased his ability to remain a true contender in the weeks to come
symetrik is also making an impressive race to soon reach the throne.
I feel if he did some extra editing he may have bested his opponent
unfortunately asylum is a horse with more endurance & focus.
therefore I feel he has completed his duties to advance...

timeless · 04-27-2016, 11:29 AM

Sim city, cool read, I think I've said this before but you have tons of potential you just need to find your voice. Your style is rampant yet coordinated and I think most people love that shit. Weird concept/story for me to get into personally here, I honestly don't know what to think.

A lion, started off dope, everything came natural to you until you didn't know where you were gonna take your verse. The middle and ending were choppy, hard to get into.

Weird battle. Banksy deserves the best tho. I almost want to give it to aslyum for his ambition but I just feel that sym takes this on a more thought out read and more of a complete read. I don't think aslyums mechanics here also couldn't keep up. Slightly.

V. Symetrik

Artifice · 04-27-2016, 01:19 PM

Interesting read from both here. I can see this going either way depending on preference.

Personally, I thought sym's mechanics were a little better. His verse stayed more consistent. While Asylum's piece was cool, I felt the flow lost a bit in the middle, though it picked back up towards the end.

Overall, I got a slightly more polished verse in sym that edges this, for me.

v/ Symetrik

NYCSPITZ · 04-27-2016, 04:47 PM

Cool battle, though I thought both had more to offer than their respective pieces show. Asylum started off great, nice shot lines, storytelling, setting the scene...good flow. My thing is, why would a group of kids who have porsches and ferraris follow the loser of the pack to an abandoned house? I just don't see that happening in any reality I'm accustomed to. I did think the ending was cool, staring into her eyes after he killed her all psycho like that. Personally, I don't like gore pieces, but this one was ok. Thought you could've added a bit more suspense and scenery and smoothness if you gave some more effort. I'd have to give this one about a C+, 78-79 range. Seen better from you family.

Symetrik's was a little bit hard to follow. I'm 17% fluent in Spanish according to my duolingo app, but honestly have no idea wtf you're saying in spanish for the most part. CONOS. So the dude is out of his mind, bi-polar basically and in the end he killed her or something. Pretty hard to follow, but I did think the change in language added a sort of mystique to it. Googling the phrases, I guess it sort of works. The structural flow of this is good, but internally it could have used a bit more explanation. You can't leave THAT MUCH to the reader's imagination. I'd give this a 80-82 or in the B - range.

Overall I got Symetrik Edging it, but honestly I hate horror type writtens. If this was more of a different type of battle, I'm sure I would've appreciated the work more, but overall I got...

V/ symetrik

breathless · 04-27-2016, 06:11 PM

Sym, nice story, couple weird wordings threw me off, as well as the Spanish bits, probably would've came across cleaner as audio to me

Pat, as usual, good story, solid rhymes, I liked the sorta jazzy odd timing of the rhyme pattern

Vote Asylum

Razah · 04-27-2016, 08:02 PM

These battles are the worse because, it gets left to preference as opposed to who the better writer is.

Sym, story was cool, nothing special, and the Spanish kind of threw me off, even though I'm fluent it was just weird to me.

Asylum, story was cool, nothing special, but nothing really threw me off, so that kind of gives you the edge this time around.

Might seem like a short vote but, I just feel like neither writer didn't drop to what I know their able to drop. Even though I hate seeing votes like that (in my battles), but I know deep inside it's true. It happens, you might drop some hot shit for a while, get stuck dropping some okay stuff, etc.. I felt like both of you guys are in the "dropping okay" stuff this week. Anyways, I still enjoyed asylum's verse a bit more though.

vasylum

Adonis · 04-27-2016, 08:10 PM

Commish up 4-3

@Adverse

I'm closing shit shortly and you are the only competitor who didn't meet voting criteria, any chance you can log in right now? I'm formulating topics now and going through the motions of creating next weeks matches, so I'll give you extra time if needed, but it has to be now. Same for you @Innovator - but I'll keep you both signed in regardless cause you have expressed the interest in competing, but if it's an odd number of writers one of you is getting cut

Adverse · 04-27-2016, 08:46 PM

Sorry if this vote isn't a full break down, just trying to get my opinion in.

I actually enjoyed reading both of your stories, but I thought Asylum took it here, I liked his imagery and story in general, though in my eyes I don't really see where either of you got your topics, that picture was very vague. Sym didn't do a bad job I just thought his story lacked progression, nothing eye-opening really happened, but it was nice. Asylum got this though in my eyes.

04-20-2016, 06:51 PM	#1
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Week 8:Symetrik vs Asylum (ASYLUM WINS 5-3) Season 6 Verses are due SUNDAY 4/24 11:59 PST Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 11:59 PST Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread. Topic: Good luck to both participants. @symetrik (3-2) and @asylum (4-3) Last edited by asylum; 04-28-2016 at 02:50 AM.

04-24-2016, 01:50 PM	#2
symetrik Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 544 Battle Record: 5-7 Rep Power: 8664751	I've never been labeled a liar, more often I'm seen in a three-piece-suit that feels like it's never been ironed, I smoke from a pipe of proportionate size to my pride. it serves as a gentle reminder- that passion is power to tear a man down, while he swears that he's never been wiser. "higher!"'s been haunting my day-dreaming lately I'm trying to seem unaffected… while knowing the steam from my glasses betray me and young though she was, it was nothing but love… "hijole mijo, tu chica's joven…". like dude, we're not even dating. and weak though I am, I will strike a man down who accuses the actions I've taken. I'm shaken to think of the pain she exists the things that she's been through and hates to relive "quiero sentirme viva hasta que muera", though honestly me?… she need not convince and so it begins I told her the stories that Emily loved. her eyes were a light, and they melted the hearts that her vision had touched. I choked from the lungs, knowing the treatment was never enough I promised to save her but "nunca hay prisa"… there's never a rush. my blood to the bugs always hungry for hers… they're mixed in reaction. the doctors say better, her family swears that I'm making it worse. their doubt has been eating my bones and I feel at a loss for appropriate words but I'm giving her time, if even a day… surely I need not explain what it's worth? the silence, it hurts. I'll never forget that I failed my first… a curse is not* without blessing* a lesson I learned when she passed. the hand that I held as I stood by her side… I'm thankful she finished her laugh, that moment of lapse… frantic for fingers that slid from my grasp. I'm shattered and mad but the hospital trusts me and wants me to help… so I know that she isn't my last. Last edited by symetrik; 04-24-2016 at 02:04 PM. Reason: flow fool

04-26-2016, 02:58 AM	#3
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	It was another Saturday night in the mountain town of Willow Pines, a group of college kids had a night on the town, swallowing pints, when the friend who tagged along and followed behind, spoke for what felt like the first time. He said, “There’s an abandoned factory we can drink at with no houses in sight, TRUST ME when I tell you if we go, you’ll have the time of your life.” Six more rounds of shots and they were off to find the cast-outs party spot, the chicks had doubts, but the bar was closing and it was the only option in their party’s plot, their Ferraris and Porsches all parked in the parking lot in front of no trespassing signs, and they all gathered round the ladder as Marvin started to climb. “Don’t be alarmed, this is the hardest part! Once you’re inside you can see in the moonshine.” It smelled musty in the empty building where rusty machines dotted the scene, they walked between them through the misty warehouse as if lost in a dream, until a broken handrail swung off the catwalk, cutting her shrill scream short, her boyfriend stood in horror, still holding a hand dripping gore from a severed shoulder, "I'm sorry for your loss, Steven.. but I hope you know this night isn't over." they snapped back to reality.. hearing his laughter echo in the rafters, ruffling bats that sprang to life and screeched into the night.. The next room they entered was brightened by the intense gleam, of moonlight shining through the roof in it’s center, spreading red light on the group like they were reflections of burning embers. Her boyfriend wandered close and she held his hand in the light to display an open palm, Marvin moved close in, grabbed her wrist and within half of a moment, he sunk his knife between his eyes.. and both pupils slowly opened. Amanda’s eyes closed and she froze in amazement, her jaws locked.. persuading a scream to stay in as it left her pursed lips, “you'll stay alive in my dreams,” he wrote with blood in cursive, both eyes glazed over reflecting the knife's edge as it gleamed, her stared into them deeply as he screamed "THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!" Last edited by asylum; 04-26-2016 at 06:32 PM.

04-26-2016, 10:34 PM	#4
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	Pardon my brevity. Decent read. Not completely satisfied with either's interpretation. Asylum was much closer in terms of depicting his version, even though it is all up for interpretation, I just appreciate when a writer actually nails the picture. Again, neither really did that. Interesting usage of Spanish by Symetrick. Fiesty writing. I just preferred Asylum verse with the above picture a little more. Plain and simple. MVGT Asylum __________________ *VETWORK*

04-27-2016, 03:08 AM	#5
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Sym, I enjoyed the start of your piece due to its smoothness then I reached the end of the first portion & its almost like music... the exists/relive idea was so nice that Im going to let it slide you make up for it in the second half & allow yourself to let perfection ride. I really enjoyed the style you use it reminds me of some old heads really dope work here brah, I honestly feel so blessed... Asy, I thought this was a great piece on your behalf you show so much with the perfect pacing that its mad... I thought the vibe you brought set the overall tone. you painted an interesting picture within your raw flow about a few lines in the second half you stumbled a bit but you were able to squeeze an inner up to the slip. a perfect display from you, you get more impressive each week this was more out of your comfort zone & it has pleased me. v/Asylum, I thought both did a bang up job to be honest but where symetrik fumbled, asylum pushed through the gauntlet you showcased his ability to remain a true contender in the weeks to come symetrik is also making an impressive race to soon reach the throne. I feel if he did some extra editing he may have bested his opponent unfortunately asylum is a horse with more endurance & focus. therefore I feel he has completed his duties to advance... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

04-27-2016, 11:29 AM	#6
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,627 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341325	Sim city, cool read, I think I've said this before but you have tons of potential you just need to find your voice. Your style is rampant yet coordinated and I think most people love that shit. Weird concept/story for me to get into personally here, I honestly don't know what to think. A lion, started off dope, everything came natural to you until you didn't know where you were gonna take your verse. The middle and ending were choppy, hard to get into. Weird battle. Banksy deserves the best tho. I almost want to give it to aslyum for his ambition but I just feel that sym takes this on a more thought out read and more of a complete read. I don't think aslyums mechanics here also couldn't keep up. Slightly. V. Symetrik

04-27-2016, 01:19 PM	#7
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944945	Interesting read from both here. I can see this going either way depending on preference. Personally, I thought sym's mechanics were a little better. His verse stayed more consistent. While Asylum's piece was cool, I felt the flow lost a bit in the middle, though it picked back up towards the end. Overall, I got a slightly more polished verse in sym that edges this, for me. v/ Symetrik

04-27-2016, 04:47 PM	#8
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,033 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743544	Cool battle, though I thought both had more to offer than their respective pieces show. Asylum started off great, nice shot lines, storytelling, setting the scene...good flow. My thing is, why would a group of kids who have porsches and ferraris follow the loser of the pack to an abandoned house? I just don't see that happening in any reality I'm accustomed to. I did think the ending was cool, staring into her eyes after he killed her all psycho like that. Personally, I don't like gore pieces, but this one was ok. Thought you could've added a bit more suspense and scenery and smoothness if you gave some more effort. I'd have to give this one about a C+, 78-79 range. Seen better from you family. Symetrik's was a little bit hard to follow. I'm 17% fluent in Spanish according to my duolingo app, but honestly have no idea wtf you're saying in spanish for the most part. CONOS. So the dude is out of his mind, bi-polar basically and in the end he killed her or something. Pretty hard to follow, but I did think the change in language added a sort of mystique to it. Googling the phrases, I guess it sort of works. The structural flow of this is good, but internally it could have used a bit more explanation. You can't leave THAT MUCH to the reader's imagination. I'd give this a 80-82 or in the B - range. Overall I got Symetrik Edging it, but honestly I hate horror type writtens. If this was more of a different type of battle, I'm sure I would've appreciated the work more, but overall I got... V/ symetrik __________________ UNIFIED THEORY

04-27-2016, 06:11 PM	#9
breathless Master of Beastiality Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Lansing, Mi Posts: 368 Battle Record: 4-6 Rep Power: 0	Sym, nice story, couple weird wordings threw me off, as well as the Spanish bits, probably would've came across cleaner as audio to me Pat, as usual, good story, solid rhymes, I liked the sorta jazzy odd timing of the rhyme pattern Vote Asylum __________________ I used to be amazing... http://soundcloud.com/dancourser/sets

04-27-2016, 08:02 PM	#10
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328542	These battles are the worse because, it gets left to preference as opposed to who the better writer is. Sym, story was cool, nothing special, and the Spanish kind of threw me off, even though I'm fluent it was just weird to me. Asylum, story was cool, nothing special, but nothing really threw me off, so that kind of gives you the edge this time around. Might seem like a short vote but, I just feel like neither writer didn't drop to what I know their able to drop. Even though I hate seeing votes like that (in my battles), but I know deep inside it's true. It happens, you might drop some hot shit for a while, get stuck dropping some okay stuff, etc.. I felt like both of you guys are in the "dropping okay" stuff this week. Anyways, I still enjoyed asylum's verse a bit more though. vasylum

04-27-2016, 08:10 PM	#11
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Commish up 4-3 @Adverse I'm closing shit shortly and you are the only competitor who didn't meet voting criteria, any chance you can log in right now? I'm formulating topics now and going through the motions of creating next weeks matches, so I'll give you extra time if needed, but it has to be now. Same for you @Innovator - but I'll keep you both signed in regardless cause you have expressed the interest in competing, but if it's an odd number of writers one of you is getting cut __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

04-27-2016, 08:46 PM	#12
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	Sorry if this vote isn't a full break down, just trying to get my opinion in. I actually enjoyed reading both of your stories, but I thought Asylum took it here, I liked his imagery and story in general, though in my eyes I don't really see where either of you got your topics, that picture was very vague. Sym didn't do a bad job I just thought his story lacked progression, nothing eye-opening really happened, but it was nice. Asylum got this though in my eyes.