WEEK FIVE: ADVERSE 0-0 VS SCAR 1-0 SCAR WINS VIA FORFEIT

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX


Verse Due: SUNDAY DECEMBER 27TH, 11:59PM EST TIME


Line min: 10

Max: 50


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

[Scar]

Fuck! In, I guess

[Adverse]

@Scar if you want to drop out this week it’s fine, if not I’ll step in for Lars

[Scar]

Nah why would I drop out? How gay would that be? Let’s get this ship rolling

[Scar]

“The morning after”

The real story was the morning after
In the hall walking past her
Avoiding eyes. Well, she avoided mines
Still poised, though; Pinewood in stormy tide
I was fine. Of course i’m fine…
Sort of.
Just drifting in thoughts.

Breakfast, a course of rye, juice and side of hogs
Both, preoccupied; trying to find that dialogue
the perfect kind. Still, no sights were crossed.
Examining our toasts as silence shared its note.
Slightly burnt around the edges.
It's done. Too done. Scraping for tender tones.
“Do u want some more?” I asked.
“No thank you, I’m full”
oh gawd that’s the best I could offer?!


As music turns.
Amusing...it burns
Anxious. my angst just ...
unmoving. Unphased, unheard, impatient
her face...blank slate
Tank top sweat threading that chest plate
Chest heavy breath caving in
You were always punctual
But today ur punctuation was late
something strange with the way
You avoided my gaze
Is it a boy? I said?
Is it a boy?
That long delay, though.
Awkward silence. Still guessing if it’s of joy or of pain
Or some sort of ploy to Gain
Advantage. Lost in this vantage point
10.2’ partition glasses. At least there’s no awkwardness.
Though the silence is there eyes on me.
Most are of external force, a few are my own
Finances commitment. Love?
I wouldn’t call it they. No flowers no doves
Just to crazy kids
Two crazy kids
At later stages of bliss
Holding hands conversations, kisses
Open legs and scrimmage
Til we create an image
Researching pages and visits
Aches and pains remission
The scream of anguish, wishing
For more self control, dismissing
It’s all contingent on all that’s missing

[Adverse]

Need an ext haven’t wrote anything

[Adverse]

This Little Light

It was the
Building of forts, my entire body being clad with blankets
That gave me a path worth taking into the warmth of my imagination
The fabric kissing my skin with the tenderness of future nostalgia
But it’s hard to recognize a memory when it’s presently laying upon ya
Now I look back at 25 wishing I had a place of safety to run and hide
Instead everywhere I look I’m seemingly confronted by punishment’s eyes
Beady pupils looking on, masked in the darkness, from mad afar, is-
All the bastards, wolves and vultures waiting to scavenge scraps from my carcass

My creativity always acted as a veil, a shield to the perennial darkness
Losing the same light that I hold to is what made all of my enemies heartless
The haze you see the world in when you’re thinking of yesterday
The warm butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves
The day I lose the spark is the day I lose the reason my heart ticks
When life becomes a sloppy collage of debts, bills and trips to the market
Used to wield metal pipes to epic samurai showdowns in the backyard
Fly a rocket ship around the universe, team up with the Avengers to defend Asgard
But there’s no escape from the inevitable spoils of age..
Used to hole up in my room to script music I knew one day I’d perform on stage

But this little light of mine will have to extinguished..

What you’re asking me to do with my life holds quite a bit of weight
Fuck my gift you want me to confine it in a cage? Wrap my inner writer up in chains?
Though there’s this voice inside of me that conspires to escape
That wants to inspire and create, you want me to hide away the paints?
Pretend this talent is a facade, you want me to lie right to their face?
Ball up all the scraps and the memories that I had as a child to throw away...


Well….i suppose it’s over, as the once bright light begins to fade
Tear down these fort walls, and prepare myself as sacrifice for the vampires that lie in wait

[Universe]

Scar:

I get serious dead man vibes from you sometimes.... It's a compliment for sure, but honestly you're not at your best when you do this sort of... outside the box, metaphorical stuff. I like when you attack the topic more directly - you have the ability to do it better than most. To me, your abstract verses are a tender disguise for a lack of effort... Don't shoot me down for that lol, just an opinion. I KNOW what you're capable of. Also, I can tell immediately how your piece will go by how you lay it out... Go look at your first 4 weeks in the GWL... and do that over and over lol.

I liked what you were saying near the end though. Impressive stuff.

"That long delay, though.
Awkward silence. Still guessing if it’s of joy or of pain
Or some sort of ploy to Gain
Advantage. Lost in this vantage point
10.2’ partition glasses. At least there’s no awkwardness..."

- The casualness of this is impressive to me... You have the ability to TALK to the reader... making us forget it's a rhyme.

"Just to crazy kids
Two crazy kids
At later stages of bliss
Holding hands conversations, kisses
Open legs and scrimmage
Til we create an image"

- Loved this as well.

Those highlights aside, I still failed to see too much of a connection to the topic. This was right up your alley and I wanted a literal approach from you... Something dark and scary that represented childhood and all the fears associated with it. You could destroy that version of the topic and I was a little bummed I didn't get it tbh.

Taken as a whole, this was an overall solid effort Scar, don't get me wrong - I enjoyed it. Just I'm left with a vacant feeling at the end... Empty. But as your last line pointed out, maybe that's what was intended here...

"It’s all contingent on all that’s missing"

Indeed.


Adverse:

Impressive verse here my dude. Really enjoyed it. You took this where I was hoping both of you would go, so I was glad to see at least ONE of you did. The opening line was perfect...

"Building of forts, my entire body being clad with blankets
That gave me a path worth taking into the warmth of my imagination"

- I read this and was like, "Yesss" haha

Something I noticed - Sometimes your set up lines were better than your punchline - which is actually a good thing... but makes the punch somewhat deflating. It seems you can be TOO good of a writer at the wrong times lol... I'm guilty of this too though. Just a quick side note for ya.

Loved this part:

"The haze you see the world in when you’re thinking of yesterday
The warm butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves
The day I lose the spark is the day I lose the reason my heart ticks
When life becomes a sloppy collage of debts, bills and trips to the market"

- Amazing stuff here. "Butterflies of childhood wonderment all lying in shallow graves" especially. LOTB, for sure.

I also really enjoyed the 'Fuck you to adulthood' section, where you blame old age for robbing you of your creativity and willingness to explore and take chances. I thought it was a change of pace in the verse that I didn't expect or see coming... but came as a nice surprise. Very poignant. Your "little light being extinguished" really summed this up beautifully... And the "vampires lying in wait" was a perfect conclusion and related to the topic well.

Impressive stuff as usual. Nothing more to say. You nailed it.

Good battle guys, love both of you and I'll forever be a fan of everything you write. Addy took this one though with a better connection to the topic and an all around better showing in general. He tried harder, and it paid off.

Respect to both.

Vote - Adverse

[Master Rock]

This match is crazy...

Two warriors out to kill, while their swords are clashing...

Goodness....

Scar, your opener really placing somewhere (perhaps an elementary school or high school?) but pinewood in stormy tide... I can't figure this out. Maybe your referring to yourself being the pinewood in a storm and that is strong??? (I don't know...but I am still digging the opener...I also am digging the breakfast table psyche where the character doesn't have much to say but our main character is expressing their thoughts on the situation (nicely done). However, next, there is a plot hole..how could a woman miss her menstrual cycle, and immediately the man asked what is the gender??? (however, that is a minor gripe..but perhaps we are in an alternate dimension where these rules to realty do not apply). Then you bring in the stuff I am an absolute sucker for,

"Awkward silence. Still guessing if it’s of joy or of pain
Or some sort of ploy to Gain
Advantage. Lost in this vantage point"

So dope!!! (Gain and advantage brought together in the way... I digg it).^^

You continue to bring it especially with,

"Holding hands conversations, kisses
Open legs and scrimmage
Til we create an image"

^^Insanity...I don't think I would of ever thought of something like this..Props!

After that, I'm left wondering if the ending is truly concluded.

As for Adverse, a pleasant surprise. The dude is not playing, right off the back..let's make the topic come to life with an intro retrospection for the dialectician back and forth tearing through the fabric of existence.
I found this rhyme scheme interesting,

"afar, is-" and "carcass"

^^I am inspired...

"My creativity always acted as a veil, a shield to the perennial darkness
Losing the same light that I hold to is what made all of my enemies heartless"

^^Dude!!!..seriously.

The fact that he is placing himself in the child's shoes and bringing the mindset of a child to the forefront is slapping the topic with the pitter-pattering jabs throughout.

"The warm butterflies of childhood wonderment"

^Beautiful.

"Used to hole up in my room to script music I knew one day I’d perform on stage"

^ I might be knit-picking but I think it may be hold instead of hole.

After all this, he seems to go into a tirade of opposition perhaps towards his parents/guardians or whatnot but concludes the verse perfectly by bringing the topical picture alive.

This was a dope battle, both brothers did their thing and it was solid as can be...However, Adverse really brought this topic alive and unpacked surprises along the way.

[Pharaohs Army]

Scar
This verse is very much in your style. Important moments in a couples' lives marked by emotion and/or awkwardness.
With good descriptions and introspection thrown in.
You paint the domestic scene well and throw in good details.

Adverse
Good verse, but I really wish you would have told a story here. I won't hold it against you but this personal verse is some stuff I've seen similar from you before, but a new story would have been newer to my eyes. BUT you do a great job comparing youth to the present time of older age.
The rhymes and wording are all there. Some of the stanzas were powerful,
However I just didn't get the same mystery and feelings from your verse as I did from Scar's.

I think Scar pulled off the indirect story here with his setting of the atmosphere and tone.
Very close though.

[Sinacog]

SCAR --

Pretty good written, SCAR. I QUITE ENJOYED THIS WRITTEN of fine writing and good writing. it was quite good. Nothing I would really change. quite a enjoyable read. there's nothing really to say here. I've seen stories like these before. you're no amateur. GOOD WRITTENS FOR COFFE AND SHIT. I hope you improve your imagery and well versed talent of writing with COMPLEXITIY. Afterall - the nature of text battling is simplstic -- COMPLEX WRITING IS BOOKS. Can you write a book, SCAR? LMAO!! LOL!!

ADVERSE --

Hello, ADVERSE. This was quite the enjoyable read. I did quite enjoy this read. THE OPENING WAS SOLID; REALLY SOLID. I think you're a enjoyable writer; with good syntax. THE SYNTAX IS QUITE GOOD. I think you need to improve your complexity and maybe large your scope for more imagery. GOOD WORK, ADVERSE..

V/ ADVERSE

[Inno]

This was an interesting battle 2 completely different takes....

Scar

Always a pleasure reading your stuff. Like always you seem to take this Angle on every topic that's not expected. You painted this picture of teens going through honestly what most of us go through. The anxiety of growing up on top of making decisions that speed that process up, well done. The only thing I see wrong here is that you failed to connect your words to the topic a little more clearly.

Adverse

You chose to go in depth with this topic and made it easy to picture what it was you tried to convey. The imagery was on point here. I think what you did wrong here is that you didn't tie in all your ideas into a conclusive ending.

Overall

I think this was closer than the votes suggest. While I like scars i feel he didn't drive it in fr me. While adverse was going strong, the ending was generic for me. I think I will give my vote to scar as he took a chance with the topic and showed me a little more. Great battle tho but I got scar edging this out

Scar

[Adverse]

SCAR WINS VIA FORFEIT