GWL PLAYOFFS RD 2 #1 CLUTBUCK (7-1) VS #7 INNO (6-5) (CLUT WINS)

[Adverse]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@BOOM
@Inno

Max line: 50

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

DUE DATE: AUG 3RD @ 11:59PM EST

TOPIC:
“Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward ” – Søren Kierkegaard



GOOD LUCK!

[BOOM]

In.

[Inno]

Welcome

[Inno]

We had a life I created....

We spoke of growing old together as love birds do
Spewing affection onto all of those choosing to view
Unlike tonight, the warm of our touch was a vibrant sea
The heat from our beating hearts Scorching our sleeves
I fell hard for her ways, tripping along her threads
Tangled in the weaving of her locks until I fought for breaths
She would show me the stars while chasing galaxies
Astronauts lost in each other’s eyes, losing priorities
Netflix and condom rips, spending time like we owned it
We’d patch each other’s rips, Stitched together at the hip
These few days have been bliss, losing my self in her whims
Time is funny, Her body my canvas, I’ve painted every inch
As the brush strokes dry revealing our portrait
The hues from my spectrum never seem to penetrate her surface
So the value of our union is simply worthless
But I’m willing to pay the price because it’s worth it....
Looking past imperfections searching for a purpose
Hoping to find in your flaws something that was perfect
I could of swore I knew who you where but I was left perplexed
I thought us lovers but I found myself alone in the birds nest

I understood who we where but who we are is a mystery
We never added up but I went along with the symmetry
At the time we bounded together getting lost in our energy
Never realizing we only mixed to create temporary chemistry
You see I tried to write this short story into eternity
Hoping that the roots would grow into a fruitful family tree
In the end all I created was blasphemy....
And although I could trace the outline of your anatomy
I could never place my finger around your soul, honestly
It’s the kind of stuff only made from tragedy....

I never knew you exactly, but you where everything
So intern I never knew my self in our dichotomy
Looking back I should Of dipped the paint strokes heavy
I should of drenched you in my colors until you drowned in me
Now I’m left to pick the pieces up from the ground
Shamed and lonesome because you chose a path homeward bound
U leave me here understanding our past but not our future
And as the wounds open up I’m left searching for a suture
Next time I’ll look past what the surface has to offer
Or... say fuck no to tinder dates and not even bother.....

[BOOM]

“Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward” – Søren Kierkegaard



When I woke I was dead. The bed was still cold,
with death’s malodorous stench infesting my clothes.
The next thing I know my eyes flicker open
blinded by copious sun rays fighting to close them.
I lie there immobilised, but sure I’m alive
lifeblood coursing my wiry frame as rigormortis subsides.
The tautness of my skin turns from black to softened grey
having had foregone a change from its taphonomic state.
My fragile body aches with every beat of my heart
feeling it’s cardiac arrhythmia as my breathing restarts.
I see the apartment’s almost as blank as my stare.
The cotton-thermal blanket I’m wearing’s the same used in palliative care.
Death’s scent hangs in the air but my bodily functions return
and I’m as stunned as the nursing staff who discover me first.
Within months I’m in perfect health, as fit as a fiddle,
I’d put on a bit in the middle but do excuse me for living a little.
I filled in official paperwork requesting for some aid
that’s the benefit of making it to pensionable age.
Eventually I came to find a means of employment
once the creak in my joints dissipated, I really enjoyed it!
I’d keep to appointments with medical specialists
checking my records in case ever anything went amiss.
Health professional check-ups instruct me I’m fighting fit
so I push on in my position til I’m young enough for retirement.
I come to my final shift as I’m nearing my twenties
cue years of me heavy drinking, and beer by the plenty.
We’re here for a very short time, I’ve no regrets when my times through
from bending all life’s rules until I’m ready for high school.
Adolescence is kind to me, a chance to let off some steam
and not have to be bothered seeming to act so responsibly.
I’d gladly forgot my teenage years, I never smiled once
but faired better while undertaking my second child hood.
When the time comes to be reborn on the spot
and I’m warbling lots, i’ll know my life’s crawled to a stop.
I’m looking forward to lodging in a secluded retreat
in a room with my feet up, and nothing to do but just sleep.
In truth you and me live vastly different lives
on a raft of things besides the simple fact we live and die.
My path is intertwined with second chances at redemption
but with the caveat of never learning from what happens in the present.
In understanding that which tests us only makes us more determined
you’ll see failure is a learning curve that shapes you as a person.
Once you take away it’s purpose and the subsequential wisdom
then there’s nothing left permitting you to push or test your limits.
What good is there in living life through nothing that’s stressful?
It’s the struggles that test you which see us at our fullest potential.
I don’t judge the successfulness of another human being
by the sum of their achievements, but how they stood up to defeat.
Nothing’s ever easy, we’re all present’s of our pasts,
it’s only in retrospective that we can gauge the measure of a man...

[Universe]

Inno:

Cool piece here. You seemed to have turned a corner these last few weeks and switched up your style; It's more linear but I'm feeling it overall. It seems much more... commercial, thus it seems to be appealing to more people, and yet you still have those layers of poetic beauty interwoven in there for good measure. This was an interesting take on the topic - sort of an approach that whatever current relationship you find yourself in, that IS your life at that point in time. Nothing else matters. I think the quote you had to work off was more aimed toward life in general and a slightly broader approach, but this still worked in terms of the relationship focused type vibe you were going for.

I thought the flow was amazing throughout. It read very well. Some awkward parts stood out though in terms of word choices and sort of forcing the last syllable in a word to rhyme in order to continue with your rhyme scheme, but it wasnt anything too bad. A little more multi's would have helped tighten this up as well... But I like the overall message here. I like seeing Inno in this light - the less poetic approach and the focus on storytelling and world building; It's refreshing at this point in the league and definitely a positive that you can switch up your style on the fly. And it seems like you do it to fit your topic... which is dope.

Highlights:

"These few days have been bliss, losing my self in her whims
Time is funny, Her body my canvas, I’ve painted every inch"

- painted or sketched? :p

"Looking past imperfections searching for a purpose
Hoping to find in your flaws something that was perfect"

- Really related to this. Probably because I'm guilty of it...

"Looking back I should Of dipped the paint strokes heavy
I should of drenched you in my colors until you drowned in me"

- This was a perfect metaphor for how hindsight casts everything in a golden light...

The ending was kind of cool. I think you spent the entire verse getting really deep into the intri***ies of relationships then sort of reminded us that it wasn't that deep at all - it was a relationship started with a Tinder date - and this reveal sort of reminded us of the weight we give to things that may still be trivial. I think this piece was a warning against not putting all your eggs in one basket... case. Haha. Good job here. Keep this new style please.


BOOM:

When I saw your topic I KNEW you would do this lol. I swear to God, I'm like 'yeah he's gonna spit a verse in reverse starting with a corpse or something...' It was, to me, the obvious approach but it is also so damn cool that I was glad when I read the first few bars and realized you were doing exactly that. I found this sort of happening in fast forward though - You skipped through a lot and although that was inevitable because of the line limit - I still wanted way more. I wished some more details were added in the middle sections especially. It started with a bang and ended nicely though, which is important. But even with a minor complaint or two, there are some brilliant sections in here...

Technically this was spot on as well. Whenever multi's dont seem like multi's you know you did your job. The ease in which you threw these in are probably not noticed by the majority, but I got you. Some bars were kind of a stretch to rhyme though, but that's just at first glance and I get how it connected... Just in text I would suggest dumbing yourself down a bit. Really helps when verses are merely read and not said out loud.

Highlights:

"When I woke I was dead. The bed was still cold,
with death’s malodorous stench infesting my clothes.
The next thing I know my eyes flicker open
blinded by copious sun rays fighting to close them.
I lie there immobilised, but sure I’m alive
lifeblood coursing my wiry frame as rigormortis subsides."

- The beginning of this was so important to establish your piece for what it was. I feel like you nailed it. This instantly sucked me into the story and I couldn't wait to read more.

"Within months I’m in perfect health, as fit as a fiddle,
I’d put on a bit in the middle but do excuse me for living a little."

- Nice little wink here. I'll compliment you for the same thing you complimented me on - adding a bit of light humor to lift the mood of the piece.

"My path is intertwined with second chances at redemption
but with the caveat of never learning from what happens in the present.
In understanding that which tests us only makes us more determined
you’ll see failure is a learning curve that shapes you as a person."

- Section of the battle here. DOPE as fuck, from all angles. Loved this.

This was an impressive piece Lars, it was exactly what the topic hinted at and was executed well. I enjoyed it from top to bottom. I have to admit that earlier in the season I called you an "average writer" in a PM to someone else - and slowly but surely you have changed my mind. You're very good at what you do and as much as we disagree about things from time to time, we write very similarly. I think if you just let your writing talk for you then you will always be at your best. Good work man.

Great battle. Didn't expect anything less from you two. Very different takes on the topic but I'm going with the one that resonated with me the most and the one that took it in the direction I was hoping for. Technically more proficient overall, the winner really proved himself to me here...

Vote - BOOM

Who woulda thunk it...

[Johnny 6 feet]

Inno- A reflection of the nature of failed relationships was an interesting take on the topic. Your narrator reminiscing on all the little details of his lost love while looking to the future at the end fit the title perfectly. Some really nice lines in here:

'Netflix and condom rips, spending time like we owned it'

'These few days have been bliss, losing my self in her whims
Time is funny, Her body my canvas, I’ve painted every inch
As the brush strokes dry revealing our portrait
The hues from my spectrum never seem to penetrate her surface'

It was real, it was good, but it wasn't real good was the message I took from this. You didn't wallow in misery but rather looked upon the experience as something to grow from which I thought was the braver take. I like the art themed lines as well which helped bring this to life. Good work man.

Clutbuck- A fan of Benjamin Button i presume? Lol. A really interesting take on the title. A man living his life in reverse while speaking as if it's going forward. The flow of this never stalled for a moment. At the start I thought it might be a zombie horror themed take but was actually pretty funny and whimsical. You transitioned nicely into a philosophical pondering at the meaning of it all which I appreciated, and fit well with the overall theme of the piece. Good choice or vocab and imagery too. Creative stuff man, great read.

Vote- Clut/Boom

[Pharaohs Army]

Inno

So I'm not gonna dock you for this (Seriously. I'm looking at the quality of the content.) but you do need to try to be more flawless with your spelling and grammar. Little things like "intern" instead of "in turn", or a couple "should ofs" instead of "should have", or "where" instead of "were".

But anyways, onto the verse itself, it was a good buildup. Sounded like it was dripping with regret, which is what I think you were going for. A look at a relationship that may have contained more lust than love?

I understood who we where but who we are is a mystery
We never added up but I went along with the symmetry
At the time we bounded together getting lost in our energy
Never realizing we only mixed to create temporary chemistry

Dope. My favorite part by far. I enjoy the 3 syllable end rhymes. But more than that I feel like these 4 lines completely encompass the entire piece.

I noticed this piece is more literal than some of your metaphorical-laced works earlier in the season. I liked the change.

I thought the end/twist was quite a jolt, and seemed to "sound" less serious than the whole rest of the piece. Not that it wasn't serious, but it seemed cavalier. Oh just a tinder date.


Lars/BOOM (maybe just use 1 or 2 screennames instead of 6? lol)
A nice literal take on the quote. Very solid mechanics per usual.
It didn't have a "wow" factor, as some of your past works have had for me...but nonetheless it had positives going for it: technically sound, interesting on the backwards timeline, and then the ending was more of a philosophical "wrap-up".

My fragile body aches with every beat of my heart
feeling it’s cardiac arrhythmia as my breathing restarts.
Clean.

Within months I’m in perfect health, as fit as a fiddle,
I’d put on a bit in the middle but do excuse me for living a little.
This is very Lars-esque. As most people would not know how to properly word this couplet. It flows nice due to the "do excuse me" in the middle of the second line.
You tend to notice little things like this in your voting breakdowns so I thought I'd return the favor with this bit.

What good is there in living life through nothing that’s stressful?
It’s the struggles that test you which see us at our fullest potential.
Again, very clean. 3 good multis packed into an inspiring couplet.

Like I said earlier, this verse didn't WOW me, like your Mario verse or some others, but it's enough to take it in this contest, even though Inno brought a good vese as well.

V Lars

[dead man]

INNO

the little tinder one-night turn made this a lot more interesting. the overall arch of it was solid enough, a dying relationship is sort of a trope that we fall back on so often it kind of loses it's gleam but its responsible for so much great literature so what can i say. you detail with a super interesting rhythm because it doesn't adhere to a very strict structure but it still reads well in the eyes of metronome. truth be told, i'm really not a fan of some of your word choices. i've been here reading and writing submissions for a very long time and at a certain point i sort of grew to embrace the nuance of simpler language in favor of overly verbose writing but in this case there were times in which it just drew me out of the work a bit. your writing is casual and easy on the eyes. you slanted some really poor rhymes here - "galaxies / priorities" and "honestly / tragedy" - like i know you didn't really intend these to be multiples but it didn't really do it for me at all. and against someone like Baron Mynd who is uncompromisingly strict with his word choice this could really hurt you.

You see I tried to write this short story into eternity

i really loved this for some reason. trying to stretch a short story into a novel. its exactly like stretching a "passing partner" into something more. someone who is there to teach us something and move on. a footnote in the story of our lives. but recently i've been feeling like that line in Mad Men. i only like the beginning of things. its a personal flaw but this line struck a chord. very cool.

your language isn't necessarily refined in the sense folks traditionally seek out. when you do get in your bag of 3-dollar vocabulary it can be hit or miss. but you have extremely genuine personality in your writing and that is the charm of this verse. i like your voice and your presence as an author. its important. this was a fair interpretation of the quote. i would value it a [B-].

BOOM -

yeah big benjamin button vibes. literal and succinct. well executed and well-oiled machinery. you've heard it before but your style is dialed in as any. i always take an issue with your front-and-center straight-forward approach to fucking everything but its basically become your trademark i guess. however... i think the issue i take with that approach is that it almost adjusts your conceptual writing work to easy mode. like, you take it as face value and your idea is hatched and you can basically streamline a verse that follows that theme without any real issue. its easy for you. its why you can post 1-2 days after the topic is up. of course you can pump the work out. you're not sitting there staring at the quote trying to see anything deeper within it. again - it's face value. not uncreative, but not innovative. and thats not a harsh critique its just an observation. i'd like to read a Lars verse and not immediately say, "well, i GUESS i COULD have went this way, but..."

your voice is your own. its well established and successful across eras. i've never been mad at a Lars verse. but like, i've never been inspired by one either. sorry to say. you know your role and you play it well. i say that as someone who's been accused of the exact same thing for some time. i've had countless people do their "imitation deadman" work to highlight that my motifs are repetitive and identifiable. you also carry this albatross in terms of your "topical" submissions. my only critique is that you embrace it too readily.

that being said - this was soundly a better written verse than your opponents. you skipped over like 40 years of working-life which may be a representation of how you view this period of a man's timeline in itself. that was unfortunate. there's a lot that can happen there. a solid [B]. borderline.

for all the above, one thing rings true: i can't not award the more expertly written submission here. inno has a more creative, strategic mind but Lars had the muscle to overpower his enemy here.

v/ BOOM

[Adverse]

I liked both entries for different reasons, I'm not going to write a wall of text here but just know I appreciate both of you gentlemen and look up to both of your writtens.

Really liked the simplicity that your verse possessed but also some hidden layers, think you wrapped it up well with the closing lines by saying that this grandiose tale of love and loss spawned from a simple tinder date I liked that and things like

These few days have been bliss, losing my self in her whims
Time is funny, Her body my canvas, I’ve painted every inch

I was really a fan of and sounded like something I would write haha overall your piece was a great little capture of a minute in time and space and brought it to life for us. Biggest complaint was it was a litttttle bit off topic imo but obviously if you both did the same thing that would have been boring as well

Lars:
Awesome read as well was a fan of it, loved the descriptive nature of the corpse reanimating and small bits like that, I had the same qualm with missing that big chunk of life in the middle but also thought the parts you went into depth with more than made up for it. Very technically sound and the story progressed nicely here.; Your verse kind of overshadows Inno's here though his was graceful like a previous voter said you just "out muscled" him here

V/Lars