The Details.

Geno · 03-31-2018, 08:17 AM

@dead man, this ones for you. I hope you enjoy jt.

I mean..
It was love at first sight, i was drunk, but i knew
And then she spoke words, "what the fuck are you doing"!?!
I was merely a passer by, until i saw you approach
And was caught in my trails, for reasons you should already know
Well i dont understand, she tells me. You a stalker or somethin?
No, but if youll change clothes, we can walk and discuss it
Well i aint doin nothin, she said to me, and went in the house
While she was walking away, i noticed something sexy about it
Her ass was looking soft, her hips were perfect to bear
Something about yoga pants, and clothes she'd purposely wear
The baddest bitch in town, easy!, on her way through the door
Walking with me now, just say something playful, mature..
And then she looked at me, innocence in her beautiful eyes
Something she hid behind, playing with my primitive mind
I was instantly hooked, line and sinker, i would never escape
Took me two weeks to hit it, loving all the memories made
We were fucking insane, fucking just to fuck, holding hands
We tore up the town, other couples jealous of our romance
I remember it all, like yesterday, but its been several years
Took me two to get over this one, the depression, the tears
I still feel a flame, smoldering, that i never could douse
The alcohol, the medication, but it never goes out
Love never dies, its blind, though shes broken my heart
Given the chance, i would go re-live each blow from the start

Thanks..
-Genocide.

Geno · 03-31-2018, 09:08 AM

interesting fact about my BM.
She had the word Karma tatted on her right butt cheek. Right beneath a heart with my name (chris) going around the upper laft arch of the heart. What a ruthless visual i constantly remember when she crosses my mind. Weve fucked after we had broken up and shit.. I noticed that she had covered my name/heart tat with an even bigger rusted looking heart locket tat that had a key hole in it. It was colored a rust color to the point where it looked like even if i had the key it would never open that heart back up again. Brutal. Idk. Just thought id share. Any comments on karma and shit, roasting. Whatever. Is welcome. She was so fucking sexy though. Perdect heart shaped ass from behind. Vicious child bearing hips. Gewd gawd. Get out of my headddd

Rude · 03-31-2018, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Genocide

What a ruthless visual i constantly remember when she crosses my mind. Weve fucked after we had broken up and shit.. I noticed that she had covered my name/heart tat with an even bigger rusted looking heart locket tat that had a key hole in it. It was colored a rust color to the point where it looked like even if i had the key it would never open that heart back up again. Brutal. Idk.

Oh wow, sounds like you got it bad. But that does sound like something that would be emotionally painful especially if you still have feelings for that person and even more so if their feelings aren't reciprocated.

That's why I have vowed to never get anyone's name tattoo'd on me. So in case of a breakup there would have to be any removals or cover-ups.

Onto the actual verse - It's clear this relationship really did a number on you emotionally, and that is evident from the way you're able to tell the story and make the reader seem invested to your point of view.

Quote:

I mean..
It was love at first sight, i was drunk, but i knew
And then she spoke words, "what the fuck are you doing"!?!
I was merely a passer by, until i saw you approach
And was caught in my trails, for reasons you should already know
Well i dont understand, she tells me. You a stalker or somethin?
No, but if youll change clothes, we can walk and discuss it

I like the dialogue and how you were able to string together the stalker or somethin'/walk and discuss it scheme together so seemlessly. reminds me of Self Activate and how natural he writes dialogue even though it's teeming with schemes and patterns.

Quote:

Well i aint doin nothin, she said to me, and went in the house
While she was walking away, i noticed something sexy about it
Her ass was looking soft, her hips were perfect to bear
Something about yoga pants, and clothes she'd purposely wear
The baddest bitch in town, easy!, on her way through the door
Walking with me now, just say something playful, mature..
And then she looked at me, innocence in her beautiful eyes
Something she hid behind, playing with my primitive mind

this section did a really good job and giving insight to your point of view/ inner monologue and what not.

Quote:

I was instantly hooked, line and sinker, i would never escape
Took me two weeks to hit it, loving all the memories made
We were fucking insane, fucking just to fuck, holding hands
We tore up the town, other couples jealous of our romance
I remember it all, like yesterday, but its been several years
Took me two to get over this one, the depression, the tears
I still feel a flame, smoldering, that i never could douse
The alcohol, the medication, but it never goes out
Love never dies, its blind, though shes broken my heart
Given the chance, i would go re-live each blow from the start

I liked the never escape/memories made line too - but the bolded section is what stands out. The whole "still feel a flame/smoldering/never could douse/ never goes out" - truest words for anyone who's been through something similar. "given the chance, I would re-live each blow from the start" - powerful statement and again true for anyone who's been through something like this.

Geno · 04-01-2018, 08:31 AM

No more feelings rly. I have a gf of 4 yrs now who i love and share those feelings witb. But it was bad before that in my late 20s

Appreciate the detailed feed. Anything you need in return just lmk with links or something. Noticed you tuned into thjs earlier. Thanks bro

CopyPat · 04-01-2018, 12:24 PM

yo geno, this was obviously something different from you. it was kinda odd tbh. it was cool you kinda put it all out there but for some reason to me it just didn't seem like you, it kinda felt like you were trying to be all poetic and feelers and it felt forced as shit and foreign to me.. idunno, i also havent been around at all for a while but this really just seemed like you forcing something. didn't seem natural to me.
rhymes/schemes/vocab were just basic and you didn't really say anything significant. i'm sure your actual feelings on this were very real but i just think you struggled to put it into verse. my 2 cents homie

03-31-2018, 08:17 AM	#1
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,324 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	The Details. @dead man, this ones for you. I hope you enjoy jt. I mean.. It was love at first sight, i was drunk, but i knew And then she spoke words, "what the fuck are you doing"!?! I was merely a passer by, until i saw you approach And was caught in my trails, for reasons you should already know Well i dont understand, she tells me. You a stalker or somethin? No, but if youll change clothes, we can walk and discuss it Well i aint doin nothin, she said to me, and went in the house While she was walking away, i noticed something sexy about it Her ass was looking soft, her hips were perfect to bear Something about yoga pants, and clothes she'd purposely wear The baddest bitch in town, easy!, on her way through the door Walking with me now, just say something playful, mature.. And then she looked at me, innocence in her beautiful eyes Something she hid behind, playing with my primitive mind I was instantly hooked, line and sinker, i would never escape Took me two weeks to hit it, loving all the memories made We were fucking insane, fucking just to fuck, holding hands We tore up the town, other couples jealous of our romance I remember it all, like yesterday, but its been several years Took me two to get over this one, the depression, the tears I still feel a flame, smoldering, that i never could douse The alcohol, the medication, but it never goes out Love never dies, its blind, though shes broken my heart Given the chance, i would go re-live each blow from the start Thanks.. -Genocide. __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est* Last edited by Geno; 04-03-2018 at 09:35 AM.

03-31-2018, 09:08 AM	#2
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,324 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	interesting fact about my BM. She had the word Karma tatted on her right butt cheek. Right beneath a heart with my name (chris) going around the upper laft arch of the heart. What a ruthless visual i constantly remember when she crosses my mind. Weve fucked after we had broken up and shit.. I noticed that she had covered my name/heart tat with an even bigger rusted looking heart locket tat that had a key hole in it. It was colored a rust color to the point where it looked like even if i had the key it would never open that heart back up again. Brutal. Idk. Just thought id share. Any comments on karma and shit, roasting. Whatever. Is welcome. She was so fucking sexy though. Perdect heart shaped ass from behind. Vicious child bearing hips. Gewd gawd. Get out of my headddd __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

04-01-2018, 08:31 AM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,324 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	No more feelings rly. I have a gf of 4 yrs now who i love and share those feelings witb. But it was bad before that in my late 20s Appreciate the detailed feed. Anything you need in return just lmk with links or something. Noticed you tuned into thjs earlier. Thanks bro __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

04-01-2018, 12:24 PM	#5
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 707 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742221	yo geno, this was obviously something different from you. it was kinda odd tbh. it was cool you kinda put it all out there but for some reason to me it just didn't seem like you, it kinda felt like you were trying to be all poetic and feelers and it felt forced as shit and foreign to me.. idunno, i also havent been around at all for a while but this really just seemed like you forcing something. didn't seem natural to me. rhymes/schemes/vocab were just basic and you didn't really say anything significant. i'm sure your actual feelings on this were very real but i just think you struggled to put it into verse. my 2 cents homie __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.