root / separate

[dead man]

brown liquor, white porcelain
skin fluorescent. porch-light ornament
dry leaves in late autumn crackle under our forearms
leaning forward. i can barely make out your sentences
make out with teenage recklessness. bottle glass & breath mints
menthol smoke / synth pop / pop culture references
frame my entrance in chemical. rocks in the sand
burn midnight oil like polymer strands. fossil fuel gasses
american colossal crack granite. hitchhike planets. don't panic
says the galaxy guide. twisting paper til i've breathed you alive
pearly-white paint pinky fingernails, pre-madonna preside
pacifist our pain. primitive piranha our pride
recanting pill-bottle prayerbooks our doctors prescribe
then waltz to the pew. pulse your pussycat, platonic pursuit
smoking for 7, thinking for 4 and talking for 2
you saw me in that room but i was watching you too
slink along like satin sultry swallowing shrooms
silver ring your sinus. soft as saturday moons
simmer soupy serenade our jukebox saloon.
karaoke Sinatra to scream your seven-day blues
while i sneak out the back in search of seaside seclusion.
where's the root, she asked.
i stopped. considered the question
and told her something altogether separate.


i'm sorry

[Nigma]

brown liquor, white porcelain
skin fluorescent. porch-light ornament
i like starting off with fewer syllables in the first couplet, adds some sort of unconscious buildup in the reads mind. very blackesque melding of several literary devices in few words and plain english.
dry leaves in late autumn crackle under our forearms
leaning forward. i can barely make out your sentences
make out with teenage recklessness. bottle glass & breath mints
menthol smoke / synth pop / pop culture references
frame my entrance in chemical. rocks in the sand
burn midnight oil like polymer strands. fossil fuel gasses
imagery has been nice, but ^this^ line made my pineal smile (<-- ™)
american colossal crack granite. hitchhike planets. don't panic
says the galaxy guide. twisting paper til i've breathed you alive
last couplet was off for me. highhike planets didn't resonate properly and the wording at the end of the following line was also very meh
pearly-white paint pinky fingernails, pre-madonna preside
pacifist our pain. primitive piranha our pride
was dope till primitive piranha our pride
recanting pill-bottle prayerbooks our doctors prescribe
then waltz to the pew. pulse your pussycat, platonic pursuit
^that^ was delicious
smoking for 7, thinking for 4 and talking for 2
you saw me in that room but i was watching you too
slink along like satin sultry swallowing shrooms
silver ring your sinus. soft as saturday moons
simmer soupy serenade our jukebox saloon.
alliteration/assonance combo and the wording/concept all meshed super well there
karaoke Sinatra to scream your seven-day blues
while i sneak out the back in search of seaside seclusion.
where's the root, she asked.
i stopped. considered the question
and told her something altogether separate.


i'm sorry

nice intriguing food for thought ending. this drop had a cool tone and direction but had some lines that lacked polish as well. the high points outnumbered and did more than outweigh the negatives, nice read.

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by dead man

dry leaves in late autumn crackle under our forearms
leaning forward. i can barely make out your sentences

make out with teenage recklessness. bottle glass & breath mints
menthol smoke / synth pop / pop culture references

twisting paper til i've breathed you alive

where's the root, she asked.
i stopped. considered the question
and told her something altogether separate.


i'm sorry

These parts were dope

The ending left me confused, those last three lines. I feel like this entire verse highlighted the narrator chasing a disconnect with someone he's intrigued by. He's confronted, and can't explain to her why he's drawn to her or validate himself to her or something.

I might be mistaken in that interpretation. However, it does emphasize the frustrating/ baseline feeling of "I just don't know", where something being elusive isn't just out of your grasp but is actually altogether apart

It's like realizing something is futile and that understanding makes you not care. Waiting for the next note in the song and it never comes


Thank you

[Bodey]

Will feed next time I'm on but this was beautiful

[dead man]

no u r

[PancakeBrah]

recanting pill-bottle prayerbooks our doctors prescribe
then waltz to the pew. pulse your pussycat, platonic pursuit
smoking for 7, thinking for 4 and talking for 2
you saw me in that room but i was watching you too

dope

[Wise Wiggles]

Yeah this was definitely fucking looney bin bonk shit
Seemed fun as fuck for you to throw down
Loved the tongue twisting riviting energy
Dope feel. Dope vibe. Dope. Glad I clicked on it. Thank you, kind sir.
A pleasure, as always.

[EtH]

I feel like you could easily have been taught in my high school English class. Everything can be worded 'badly', in that maybe it isn't grammatically right or maybe the words don't seem to fit together, but you just have a way of making them fit perfectly. Like using scissors on a jigsaw. Little things like just putting forward slashes in your line to list things that were happening without any actual "this is what's happening". It's really hard to write like that and it's definitely reminiscent of some of those older poets we studied in class.

The assonance was crazy near the end. Like someone mentioned above, you venture across the border into tongue twister territory which is always risky because topicals have a lot of influence from rap as well and tongue twisters throw the flow off of a rap piece extremely easily.

I can't say I'm specifically a fan of this piece. I found the lyricism to be a little bit below what I remember reading from you a while ago, but I can't not respect the insane attention to detail, the combination of how relaxed you are with the rules of language and how well you put that into action and the overall imagery of the piece. Always worth a read.