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Old 04-27-2020, 03:34 PM   #1
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Default WEEK 6: Inno vs Candy 5-3 INNO WINS


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Old 04-27-2020, 03:34 PM   #2
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Old 04-27-2020, 04:25 PM   #3
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Old 04-27-2020, 09:43 PM   #4
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the day i stood still
..
i remember words like bomb and then none/nothing
crunching crumbles in my work tie tired slumping
flustered in a cluster fuck of assumption
all ass out classed by lower trash like combustion
plus theirs peoples scribbled giggles to google
flus proven fibs, full of dribble pure doodle
bibs couldnt catch or latch their ignorance to hush
busting at the seams, bleeding out my dreams jeeze too much
i wipe the sweat from my head and neck slanted
by cubical squared in question of whens the answer
i dare dance with the devil on this ailed moonlight
where all that is left from help is frail groomed life
i cant stand it, sit or even breathe near that ish
so i waddle to the window of the story, make a wish
blow the streets below a kiss and swan dive into this
the undoubtable abyss
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Old 05-01-2020, 10:20 PM   #5
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Perception is dead

They say the sheep rule the pen
Those who follow lead the many to the few
These of no regrets create the content
Dictating the colors but never seeing the hues
And all we do is consume it
With an insatiable hubris it’s nothing to prove it
We project to each other what we wish to be
But in the dark keep secretes for no one to see
The world is torn and lost in translation
A fruit fallen to far from its roots
Stuck in the dirt reaching for constellations
Self righteous and full hope once
Now angry and fighting for selfish reasons
Ignorance over intelligence I guess
Slowly becoming a hive of intolerance
And it’s easy to fall in this trap
The truth is we humans believe in this idea
We are inherently evil that’s a fact
Let me say this
People may have an idea of who you are.
But what would you rather be....
Exactly who they thought you would be or
Who you know you could be?
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Old 05-01-2020, 11:15 PM   #6
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candy, i'm starting to recognize your method here. you have a knack for quirky wording. your turn of phrase are quite entertaining and impressive at time. "all ass out classed"I "ailed moonlight". There are still headscratching moments like the google line but this verse was alot more tangible than what im used to from you so kudos on that. This was a cool verse on despair, something that can be really unbearable to go through. despite having moments of "what the fuck does that mean?" i liked this overall. the good parts are very good.

inno, great showing here. in recent, i've always had a hard time catching the flow of your verse but this one was a lot more pronounced. man i love you poetic style. "Dictating the colors but never seeing the hues" that was awesome. it got a bit didactic around the latter part of the verse without sharing any new insights but it was still a solid showing.

this is hard to vote. i think candy had a better interpretation of the picture as the idea was more direct. inno tackled it in a round about way, exploring perceptions and the polaristic contingency of it. it was more interesting than candy so with that

v/inno
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Old 05-02-2020, 08:04 AM   #7
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Candy - I wished you waited longer before posting again, Candy.Took more time with your verse. I couldn't really get into this like I wanted and I only really enjoyed the final bar of the piece. I wish the entire verse was of that vibe. You had some cool moments again but I think if you took more time you could really iron out the creases and make everything smoother. I had a hard time grasping what you were going for until that final bar and by then I wasn't as emotionally invested as I should be. More effort needed please, I see the potential...


Inno - I had difficulties relating this to the topic, maybe I missed something but I didn't really see much of a connection... but then again your style is heavily metaphorical so I easily could've missed it....

Okay, just went back and re-read it. Starting to connect with me. Light/darkness... ideas. A lightbulb. I'm back on board lol.

I loved this section:

"The world is torn and lost in translation*
A fruit fallen to far from its roots*
Stuck in the dirt reaching for constellations
"

Stuck in the dirt reaching for constellations... love that. You had some thought provoking lines here for sure my man.

I mean, both of these pieces kind of... did their own thing in terms of taking liberties. Candy, connected to the topic in the final bar, Inno stayed the course with his initially confusing take. But I think upon further inspection Inno did what Inno does... proves he's smarter than us lol. Overall I enjoyed Inno's clever, abstract take on this. You see the topic and think suicide... Candy took the bait. Inno said "hold my beer..." lol.

Vote - Inno
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Old 05-02-2020, 03:48 PM   #8
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Just lost my vote because wasn't logged in..

I give my vote to Candy. I enjoyed the funky way the wording was, and it was enjoyable. Inno had good grace to his verse, deep reflections on self perception, but I liked Candy's turns of phrase more, it seemed charismatic and won me over this time.

Thanks for the reads.
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Old 05-03-2020, 12:55 AM   #9
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candy- this was really cool dude. i feel like your style is starting to polish here honestly. usually i cant get into it, despite interesting wording. and even though you posted early as usual and probably could've edited more, i still really enjoyed your piece. i like the idea of a guy who cant handle his shit anymore, who obviously thinks too much, and eventually decides to end it all. tragic as that may be, and perhaps an overdone topic, it was an easy fun little read. bibs couldnt catch or latch their ignorance to hush loved that. and the last four lines of your verse were probably my favorite.

inno- you took a more abstract take onto the topic. it was an easy-flowing read, perfect rhythm. you pretty much make a showing of how us humans think we know everything and how we are becoming programmed to be lazy without even realizing it. or at least, that's what i took away. as well written as it is, i didnt find it interesting or personal, despite the writer's voice definitely having a presence.

i'm actually gonna go with candy here, i like it more when people really isolate what they're talking about on more personal terms. thx guys

v/candy
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Old 05-03-2020, 01:03 AM   #10
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I thought this was Candy's best showing of the season. I.e. LESS abstract & less goofy phrasing.
Some clever wording and an ending that, while cliche, finished the story up nicely.

Inno this appears to be a commentary on human nature and its faults?
There was 1 misspelling and 1 missing word. Not a huge deal but I noticed this in your last week as well. Not gonna dock you for it, but I also didn't like the phrase of "I guess". Because the rest of the verse seemed to be sure of itself. That aside, I do have Candy taking this.
I just didn't "connect" with Inno's verse like I did w/ Candy's and hers connected more w/ the picture.

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Old 05-04-2020, 01:44 PM   #11
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Agree that this was Candy's best showing of the season, gave us a taste of what he's like at full strength. Thought his narrative was pretty straight forward didn't leave much to ponder at, but sometimes being a straight shooter is the best path to tread. Did like the descriptors from the jump "crunching crumbles in my shirt tie" etc really liked the alliteration here too that's always a bonus for me when done efficently. Overall was a good read

Inno - I know some of the readers were confused about your topic direction this week but i think that's why i like your writing so much? Each verse is veiled with mystique and has a few different layers to it. Liked the overall narrative, and liked how you kinda spun this picture into your own subject instead of just taking the easy road that was already paved for you. Truly an "innovator"

Honestly folks hate to say it but this one comes down to personal preference again for me and I've got Inno by a hair. Thanks for the short and sweet read this week fellas

V/Inno
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Old 05-04-2020, 03:54 PM   #12
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Candy- Caught the despair in this pretty clearly. Some tongue twisting stuff in your vocab which is difficult to pull off. Things were a little vague here and there, and I felt a more personal take on the narrator would've boosted the piece some. Good pacing, and you related to the picture well.

"so i waddle to the window of the story, make a wish
blow the streets below a kiss and swan dive into this
the undoubtable abyss"

^Most impactful (pun intended) part of the story for me.


Inno- Another downbeat piece. Not surprising given the picture. This read halfway between a political speech and a poem, plus the AB rhyme scheme is difficult to do well and that helped your piece stand out. There were some interesting philosophical points being made here:

"The world is torn and lost in translation
A fruit fallen to far from its roots
Stuck in the dirt reaching for constellations"

^Fav part^ I think the scheme went a little off the rails at the end of the piece but I was engaged throughout. Nice job


Vote- Inno
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Old 05-04-2020, 08:13 PM   #13
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Candy, cool little character sketch. Visceral and moody. Office spacy. Not huge on your word choices and your rhyme centric language. Kinda clunky and lost its glimmer for me at points. Inno, I liked your submission, definitely more of an abstraction and a “think piece”. It was at point a bit aphoristic and dare i say it, almost cliche, but I’m firmly of the belief that cliche only exists as a concept born out of universal truths. I found myself more interested in your ideas and their inner shadow/outer flesh dissections.

Voting inno
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