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Old 04-20-2020, 12:09 PM   #1
Inno
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Default Week 5: Sinacog vs Candy CANDY WINS


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Topic: This week we have 7 battles so we are doing a 7 deadly sins themed topic this week. You will receive one of the 7 deadly sins. All you have to do is incorporate the sin into your story any way you choose. Think of it as a jumping off point to something broader. Enjoy!

Your topic is : GREED

GOODLUCK!

Last edited by Inno; 04-27-2020 at 11:58 AM.
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Old 04-20-2020, 12:45 PM   #2
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check..

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142854

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142850

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142855
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Last edited by Candy; 04-24-2020 at 09:24 PM.
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Old 04-21-2020, 06:27 AM   #3
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Topic - GREED

There's was once' a red devil; he tortured scantallationed destiny demons
The recipe heathen; the obvious oblivion; the serpent from the chameleon
He killed two thousand demons with a scimitar and blade; the harbinger of death
The armor from the plague; the martyr from the death/depth
I am the devil from another level; I want death for the millions
I killed the devil and demon's in hell; I am on another level
I am the devil; a red devil; a red devil of light
I want hell to be relinquished into hell's pit; hell's hill
I am the devil on another level; I killed millions of devil's and demons
I am a red devil; I will kill the devil Satan or Lucifer
The hate of a future burn; the hate of the universe
I am the masturbation of the universe; the creation of future burns
I am the devil; I was born from a demon's womb
I consume food from the womb of ambient zoom!
I am the devil; and I have a sword and scimitar
I killed the devil while he's sleeping, I am 'THE DEVIL'!
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Old 04-21-2020, 11:24 AM   #4
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Topic - Greed

there was a name and ten cents of silver paint
a soul of a serial killer coined a clown saving face
the books pages canter in each crumbled bleed
from fingers licked like chicken was its fumbled creed
yet a human follows blindly by its sense
that the art will guide to the end of repent
he hacks and he slashes gashes in ass's
assets a facet of factious acts like gas's expansion
the death penalty approaching closer then close
the jails protestors talk as much as the walls hold
he sits and he ponders under breath open
the knives used and filed still remain broken
as the biblical storm he engulfed reacts
the tracks of light he will find have folded back
in vomits and spits before his bed pan
the forgiveness shakes the sheets and the pillows head span
spirits as last meal, fluid easy to reject
frame lucid, its a shame he got raped after his dead
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Last edited by Candy; 04-21-2020 at 11:27 AM.
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Old 04-21-2020, 01:06 PM   #5
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Sinacog - Sinacog does what Sinacog does here; Drops a random half assed verse that makes sense to no one but him. He even felt it was necessary to include a "I am the masterbation of the universe" line, which disturbed me. But, yeah, par for the course I suppose.

Candy - This verse needed a lot of work... I mean a lot. But at least you kind of keyed in on your topic. I found some decent moments here and there. Next time just don't rush to post so quick... I want to see more effort from you going forward. Not that it was needed here... but still.

Vote - MMLP's last weeks verse...

... aka Candyman.
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Old 04-21-2020, 06:28 PM   #6
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Sinacog- i honestly cant tell at this point if you're trolling or you actually write like this. i couldnt even read it all because it's basically an insult to the craft. wish you'd take it more seriously because you may be shocked to discover what you're capable of when you actually try.

Candy- again, this seemed like a piece i'd read in the open mic cypher. a quick key, scattered with grammatical errors and awkward wording. like "death penalty approaching closer then close" like come on man, you can do better than that. it just seemed lazy, thrown together on the spot and posted without any effort to edit first. and like Universe said, that's the problem with posting so early because it goes against you. this seemed more like a bullet list of ideas for what you were gonna write about more than it was a verse. you win by default here

v/ Candy
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Old 04-23-2020, 04:37 AM   #7
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Yeah I mean both seemed keystyled, no real meaning or effort put into either for whatever reason, I dunno

I can only echo whats been said really, otherwise just rehashing stuff

Yeah, Candy wins this time I guess!
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Old 04-23-2020, 12:09 PM   #8
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oh man lulz

age, i wish you'd go back to your wold ways man. whatever point you are trying to make, you did it, now lets get on with it. i find it very hard to believe that one single lost on RR caused you to go crazy like this. why, my man? knock it off.

candy, i find your writing palpable. my only qualm is that it lacked direction. you remind me of curator. he's really good but i always have a hard time grasping what yall niggas talkin about. like what are you talking about? i wish all these pretty pictures are reinforced by a more tangible voice you know?

v/ candy
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Old 04-24-2020, 01:58 PM   #9
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What an extraordinary battle, one worthy of an in-depth breakdown for sure.

Sinacog: I enjoyed the use of you as the devil in the first person perspective; that was interesting to me at least given your obvious religious choice, so to assume the role of the Devil was a particular standout. I initially thought you were going to tell us a linear narrative story but. You notably switch stance from this in the opener where you speak about this Devil:

Quote:
There's was once' a red devil; he tortured scantallationed destiny demons
The recipe heathen; the obvious oblivion; the serpent from the chameleon
He killed two thousand demons with a scimitar and blade; the harbinger of death
The armor from the plague; the martyr from the death/depth
But you later adapt the guise of the Devil himself, insisting that in fact you are this demon.

Quote:
I am the devil from another level; I want death for the millions
I killed the devil and demon's in hell; I am on another level
I am the devil; a red devil; a red devil of light
You embody him. As, no doubt, everyone does in some degree in your beliefs. We’re all with sin, and the evil lies within us all. This figurative Devil exists in all of us, some more than others, granted. But it’s there. Lay silently. Dormant. I think that’s what you were alluding to there. I could be wrong, of course, I’m only human after all.

Quote:
I want hell to be relinquished into hell's pit; hell's hill
I am the devil on another level; I killed millions of devil's and demons
I am a red devil; I will kill the devil Satan or Lucifer
The hate of a future burn; the hate of the universe
The repetition of the phrases “I am the devil,” and “I am a Red Devil,” seem used to place emphasis on what you’re saying. There are different ways this could have been executed, through the use of synonyms or metaphorically maybe, that could have achieved the desired result. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here that you did it this way for effect and it was a stylistically choice.

Quote:
I am the masturbation of the universe; the creation of future burns
I am the devil; I was born from a demon's womb
I consume food from the womb of ambient zoom!
I am the devil; and I have a sword and scimitar
I killed the devil while he's sleeping, I am 'THE DEVIL'!
The closing statement hints at you being something larger than The Devil himself. It reads as if it is some unexpected twist, the reveal at the end is that you’re actually a higher being - maybe more powerful - or at least as powerful here. Possibly God himself is what I drew from it. Sinacog is a God. The Devil’s greed will be what leads to his demise. God’s own greed will lead to him becoming The Devil incarnate. It’s an interesting dynamic of a power shift for sure.

Candy: I enjoyed your flow to this, there was a natural rhythmic cadence of implied rhythm sustained by the rhyme placement and choices employed. I especially liked the use of the word “canter” which I found interesting. It helped to set the timeframe of the story up, I felt, as did the olde worlde sounding “fumbled creed” a little further on. It gave you a “tone” to your verse and places it firmly in a past timeline:

Quote:
There was a name and ten cents of silver paint
a soul of a serial killer coined a clown saving face
the books pages canter in each crumbled bleed
from fingers licked like chicken was its fumbled creed
Things started to progress further here with the introduction of this potential serial killer and/or hitman for hire I’d imagine as the opening line of your verse seems to allude to a cash payment being made in return for something, possibly a forthcoming murder, but the third and fourth lines in this next segment are a nice switch-up in the rhyme scheme and technical merit that hasn’t gone unnoticed by me:

Quote:
yet a human follows blindly by its sense
that the art will guide to the end of repent
he hacks and he slashes gashes in ass's
assets a facet of factious acts like gas's expansion
It becomes clearer in the following lines that the convicted felon is now in prisoned, convicted of his crimes and now awaiting the inevitable conclusion his execution. The mention of “as much as the walls hold” caught my attention also, it made me think of the idiom “If these walls had ears,” which is what I believe you were getting at. The murderer is then left to occupy his cell where the horrors of his past play on his mind.

Quote:
the death penalty approaching closer then close
the jails protestors talk as much as the walls hold
he sits and he ponders under breath open
the knives used and filed still remain broken
The use of “biblical” here I felt was used in the context of an enormous storm, rather than it having any religious affiliation (ala Sinacog’s entry this week). The tracks of light seem to be a reference to a journey to heaven - now a distant memory he has no chance of following, a place too late for him to atone for his sins and ask for forgiveness. I think that directly opposes Sinacog’s own belief system, in that it’s never too late, but you seem to have taken an opposing stance here. The final act seems to see the killer tormented by the acts in his past, and possibly a mental breakdown, as he envisions the ghosts of his past coming back to haunt him. They’re the “spirits as last meal,” - a feast of futility. The man is executed by lethal injection and then, as a final blow, his corpse is desecrated.

Great battle guys!

Last edited by Clutbuck; 04-24-2020 at 03:49 PM.
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Old 04-24-2020, 02:55 PM   #10
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Didn't really catch the topic in either verse they both seemed a bit random. Which is expected from Sinacog, i think Candy just followed suit and keyed up a quick response to claim his win. I liked Candy's rhyme schemes quite a bit, the multies made the flow connect well and kept it fun to read but to me the narrative wasn't super compelling. Had some decent stuff sprinkled throughout and the whole "spirits of his last meal" thing was cool to me, i don't know there was a little bit of okay imagery but you can tell the lack of effort on Candy's part and Sinacog refusing to heed any actual advice and keep writing the same stuff he has been on the other side.

V/Candy verse was better and a little more relevant to the topic
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Old 04-27-2020, 12:33 AM   #11
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V candy by process of elimination
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