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Old 07-15-2019, 08:23 PM   #1
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Default Summer Classic Topical: Round 1: 7. Master Rock Vs. 10. MMLP[MMLP 5-0]








SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
MONDAY JULY 22nd at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament


Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!



Quote in Picture is: "They were flying Higher than the rest of us, So we shot them down"

Topic:

Must Check-in by WEDNESDAY July 17th or be replaced


@Master Rock
@MMLP

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Old 07-15-2019, 09:57 PM   #2
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Old 07-16-2019, 03:56 AM   #3
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Default "They were flying higher, so we shot them down"

"They were flying higher, so we shot them down"

This will become my war, I won’t note another response.
The principles I’d die for go above and beyond
with the foes who hover aloft swiftly becoming a threat.
And so the hunting was on from their sudden descent,
looking to end it quick, the bombardment ensued.
Boarding the vessel as they marched into view.
Seeing a barrage of cruises of grey converging ships,
vast armies of brutes all arranged in perfect sync.
Had made its surge to blitz us once aligned on the ground.
I gained a nervous twitching til I fired one down
then the excitement was out, knowing I obtained a thirst for blood.
That slightly aroused feel became a urging lust
To be greatly served in floods in my reclusive stubborn ways
as a blaze emerged, engulfing units up in flames.
My space soon become invaded when reigning as champ,
to shoot em’ up, embracing the sensation it had.
Wave upon wave of attacks, shuttles collapsing in moments
a fatal attraction, but yet to establish the motive.
With only a single axis of motion, my flight was guided prior,
this passion was growing whilst playing in the line of fire.
They were flying higher but my score was rising
my mind acquired focus in the form of silence.
A roaring tyrant who was destroying all-comers,
law defying thrusts passing asteroids in their clusters.
Turning points, were the number of kills signalling success.
Rejoicing in suffering, I was bitter to the end
but I’d risen to the test of these pixelated graphics
and suddenly it hit me in the head, in a state of panic.
I was a space invaders addict hell-bent on the fight to the top,
this gaming passion which meant grinding nonstop
then I actually realised what the fuck am I doing with my life?!
I gotta start finding a job when the opportunities arise.
I was foolishly benighted and it brought out my worst.
Ironically, finishing shooting them alight is what brought me back down to earth!

Last edited by MMLP; 07-19-2019 at 02:10 PM.
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Old 07-23-2019, 12:04 AM   #4
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As I reached for the sky
she said spread your wings baby you can fly
But with a sigh, she gave me a little advice on why,
this all may come with a price
to change the world, martyrs have paid with their life
Lincoln, JFK, Malcolm, Martin Luther, and Christ,
even though the times change and in time frames
haters are looking out to finger and point blame
they're attempting to tie chains manipulate you with mind games
whispering you'll never make it, hoping to maim,
make you doubt your chances for advances while they oppose change
they're giving out deceptive glances, with evil intent,
while we're reaching for stars, living on a prayer sent
we're healing our scars while their hellish presence is bent on spitting curses
envisioning hearses,
to our advancement they're adverse
we're free birds so we continue to traverse, while we glide then I hear the cannons burst,
its as though our blessings have been reversed,
then the realization of the bits of darkness brung as the thunder disburse
Things seem a bit stranger by each round,
so my spirit questions if we are really living in the upside down?
while they're Shouting, "They were flying Higher than the rest of us, So we shot them down."
falling, I felt the impact thud as we touched the ground after that awful sound
all that was left is the artifact of the truth that was found.
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Old 07-23-2019, 09:37 PM   #5
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MMLP took a Space Invaders angle here, with solid rhyming of multiple syllables throughout. Your rhyming is on point. And you set it up to where I wanted to see where it was going and how it would end.

While Master Rock focused on change-agents and their opposition, with some good internal rhyming throughout. I was a bit puzzled by the ending regarding the artifact of truth. But it could just be vague on purpose for effect. There is a "she" in the beginning but that's all you really said about her; that she gave you advice.

This one just came down to personal preference. I liked MMLP's more so he gets the vote.

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Old 07-25-2019, 12:03 AM   #6
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MMLP: First off I loved the concept you got from the picture. I'm all about creativeness and this was the type of shit I love reading. I didn't expect that concept at all and you killed it and ran with it. (all tho duck hunt is the first game that comes to mind with me
when it comes to the picture. lol) For the most part the flow was smooth and steady. To be honest I would have liked to see you get more creative with the flow like you did the idea for this drop. I feel if you just spiced the flow up with a few more internals it would have made this a bit more stand out. Seemed a bit cut and dry flow wise but you did have some smooth transitions here and there. Other than that this was a good piece. very creative.

Master Rock: First thing I noticed is the one syllable rhyme scheme. Which is fine if you are killing it with substance. If your concept is dope enough. But you kinda lost me on that. Not too sure I can exactly see where you were trying to go with this. The story just kinda falls apart for me. Like for instance who is "she: that you mention in the beginning? Also the upside down. Stranger thing reference? I got lost in all of this a bit.

MVGT: MMLP ...I just felt he was was more creative when it came to the subject and his flow stood out more which made for a more enjoyable read.
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Old 07-25-2019, 02:02 PM   #7
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mmlp, oh shit this was fire man. the details definitely summon waves of nostalgia lulz.

Quote:
"They were flying higher, so we shot them down"

This will become my war, I won’t note another response.
The principles I’d die for go above and beyond
with the foes who hover aloft swiftly becoming a threat.
And so the hunting was on from their sudden descent,
looking to end it quick, the bombardment ensued.
Boarding the vessel as they marched into view.
on my first read, i thought this was about pearl harbor or some shit. knowing the context after, it was even better on second read.

Quote:
Seeing a barrage of cruises of grey converging ships,
vast armies of brutes all arranged in perfect sync.
Had made its surge to blitz us once aligned on the ground.
I gained a nervous twitching til I fired one down
then the excitement was out, knowing I obtained a thirst for blood.
That slightly aroused feel became a urging lust
i thought the nervous twitch part was palpable and effective descriptions

Quote:
To be greatly served in floods in my reclusive stubborn ways
as a blaze emerged, engulfing units up in flames.
My space soon become invaded when reigning as champ,
to shoot em’ up, embracing the sensation it had.
lulz nice wordpay. cheesy but it worked so well under the colorful context of the verse.

Quote:
Wave upon wave of attacks, shuttles collapsing in moments
a fatal attraction, but yet to establish the motive.
With only a single axis of motion, my flight was guided prior,
this passion was growing whilst playing in the line of fire.
They were flying higher but my score was rising
my mind acquired focus in the form of silence.
the multies of the first section was insane. i especially love the single axis of motion bit.

Quote:
A roaring tyrant who was destroying all-comers,
law defying thrusts passing asteroids in their clusters.
Turning points, were the number of kills signalling success.
Rejoicing in suffering, I was bitter to the end
but I’d risen to the test of these pixelated graphics
and suddenly it hit me in the head, in a state of panic.
I was a space invaders addict hell-bent on the fight to the top,
that boldes section actually packed much character development in the span of just a single line. awesome.

Quote:
this gaming passion which meant grinding nonstop
then I actually realised what the fuck am I doing with my life?!
I gotta start finding a job when the opportunities arise.
I was foolishly benighted and it brought out my worst.
Ironically, finishing shooting them alight is what brought me back down to earth!
great ending. This verse reminded me a lot of mine. While mine was an obvious take on escapism, yours seem to be about that and more. I like to think that the majority of 80's baby are still in their 2 or 3rd childhood because nostalgia is such a thing now. good stuff man.

master rock, this verse read as a critique of society. I've read many of those before so i hope this offers something new.

Quote:
As I reached for the sky
she said spread your wings baby you can fly
But with a sigh, she gave me a little advice on why,
this all may come with a price
to change the world, martyrs have paid with their life
Lincoln, JFK, Malcolm, Martin Luther, and Christ,
isn't it paid with their "lives"? anyway, cool opener. I like that you opened up with a (seemingly) dialogue between two individuals.

Quote:
even though the times change and in time frames
haters are looking out to finger and point blame
they're attempting to tie chains manipulate you with mind games
whispering you'll never make it, hoping to maim,
make you doubt your chances for advances while they oppose change
they're giving out deceptive glances, with evil intent,
while we're reaching for stars, living on a prayer sent
the multies of the first section were really good. tie chains/mind games was really fun to read. the tone here was us vs them. although it hasn't been clarified who the us are or who the them are, i do like the fiery voice of the verse so far.

Quote:
we're healing our scars while their hellish presence is bent on spitting curses
envisioning hearses,
to our advancement they're adverse
we're free birds so we continue to traverse, while we glide then I hear the cannons burst,
its as though our blessings have been reversed,
then the realization of the bits of darkness brung as the thunder disburse
dispurse usually refers to money and shit like that. did you meant thunder disperse? the pacing is a bit slow. i felt everything you said here, you said in the previous segment.

Quote:
Things seem a bit stranger by each round,
so my spirit questions if we are really living in the upside down?
while they're Shouting, "They were flying Higher than the rest of us, So we shot them down."
falling, I felt the impact thud as we touched the ground after that awful sound
all that was left is the artifact of the truth that was found.
the ending was poetic and i really liked it. the quoted part gave some nice perspective on the verse. "keeping the man down" seems to be the thing here.

both went the topical route, although mmlp teetered into pure storytelling with settings, and character. I think i will give my vote to MMLP. I felt his take was a lot more creative. MR did good too but i've read those types of verses hundreds of time before.
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Old 07-25-2019, 03:24 PM   #8
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Old 07-25-2019, 05:50 PM   #9
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MMLP: Descriptive, cadence is done well and kinda predictive throughout (which doesn't have to be a negative thing, in this case it isn't due to it being very story driven thing so it'd be cluttered if it wasn't), rhymes are on point and I enjoy how your story progress and how you word yourself, like here:

Wave upon wave of attacks, shuttles collapsing in moments
a fatal attraction, but yet to establish the motive.
^Dope visual and a great way to put emotion to what's going on.

However, I feel the wording here was made to make the rhyme fit and kinda comes off as awkward phrasing at the end:
and suddenly it hit me in the head, in a state of panic.
^I feel that if "in a state of panic" had connected to something like a continued sentence to the next line and not ended abruptly there with "In a state of panic" you could have made it work with what you were trying to do rhymescheme-wise while also making a little more sense in terms of wording the line. That's my take on it tho.

Enjoyed the twist at the end too, funny shit, can relate. Overall a solid piece with an interesting and cool twist to it all. Good shit with minor hiccups that doesn't detract too much from the piece as a whole.

Master Rock:

Interesting take on the topic, not really a fan of quoting entire lines like that since it's evident in the topic. I feel like you could have referenced it in a more interesting way, if that makes sense? Overall I feel the verse somewhat chaotic here and there, flow being a bit too choppy so to say, and I think it could have been made better by removing syllables you don't need like removing "then" in the couplet here:

"its as though our blessings have been reversed,
then the realization of the bits of darkness brung as the thunder disburse

^It'd still not be perfect but the flow would have been a lot better, anything to shorten down (or help) longer lines right after a short one will make it seem more polished overall.

Also in the following couplet I feel like the following line to "blessings reversed"-line could have been shortened to "my spirit questions if we're (we're instead of we are) living in the upside down." That may be just me tho, you feel if it makes any sense to your pieces/this piece or not tho.

I also have the same feeling regarding the intro now that I read it over, after "you can fly" I feel a better phrasing would be "and with a sigh she gave me advice on why" as it flows better, it's shortened down a lil while still getting the message across and it doesn't seem like a longbar as opposed to the previous one. I would also try to be a little bit more on point with where you put your commas/punctuation or not use it all as I don't really see the need of a pause or break up the sentence on "but with a sigh," as it made the line seem more choppy to me than it is.
I think the times change/time frame/point blame even tho point doesn't follow the rhymescheme as great it flowed well with great rhythm as opposed to earlier with misplaced commas, or wording, and you kept it going with tie chains etc. which was dope. I also liked the comma at the start of the next to last line of your piece to set the scene as well tho, it's unconventional but it works really well for the purpose you used it for, cool.

Enough with punctuation and phrasing, the overall concept was cool, I liked it quite a bit even tho I thought it was kinda hard to follow where you were taking it at first. Interesting take on calling JFK etc. for martyrs. You have bits and pieces here and there that work well and is dope on its own but I feel the overall piece could have been polished a bit more here and there. I also didn't quite grasp what the artifact of the truth was, I may be dense af tho. I feel like you're reaching for something dope that I for some reason can't quite get, or when I think that I'm on to something I question if that was what you meant or not.

Overall you followed the topic well and did your thing, looking forward to read more from you and see you grow further. I see potential for some creative shit in the future in terms of both concept/drive of the story and perhaps more thought out punctuation to help the flow if you choose to use it more. I felt your piece was mediocre but the read was cool nonetheless and I hope you keep writing.

Vote: MMLP Both followed the topic pretty well, overall solid work from MMLP and definitely a tough verse to face against. Cool battle but I felt MMLP took this one pretty easily in this particular battle versus the 2.
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Old 07-25-2019, 08:02 PM   #10
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doep battle

rock

man I enjoyed this fully broseph. taking the picture with a more abstract brush from what I read. the focal point was broad rather so focused, which I enjoyed. some of your ideas felt a bit undeveloped at times and that's obvious due to the rushed last minute ish. which tbh man this shows if you would of had a bit a more time lol. likei said I enjoyed how you used the picture but didn't make it so obvious. giving me more options to interpret. well done..


lp

this was solid work. I mean all fleshed out with a crisp flow. I loved how the story progressed like clock work man well done with that. I think that's the biggest hit for me here. the ease of how the story unfolds as it goes that shit was impressive lp. no real hiccups I mean this was probably one of your better verses.

overall..

I think MMLP took this with an obviously more polished verse and style. rock tried to dropped last minute and that's the reason im giving my vote to lp. rocks verse felt rushed and incomplete. good battle dudes but u thought P took all day.


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Old 07-25-2019, 09:03 PM   #11
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MMLP advances 5-0

Leaving open cuz I see @Diablo still in thread
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