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Old 07-15-2019, 08:13 PM   #1
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Default Summer Classic Topical: Round 1: 3. Scar Vs. 14. Candy [Scar 5-2]








SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
MONDAY JULY 22nd at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament


Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!



Topic:


@Scar
@Candy

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Old 07-16-2019, 12:47 AM   #2
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aite. g/l
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Old 07-16-2019, 09:44 AM   #3
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in g/l

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140496
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140497
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=140493
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Old 07-16-2019, 10:16 AM   #4
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The Book With No Spine

..

up a pond and down a stream lives a channel of dreams
bundled thoughts that contort the short circuit seen
the lights of on and off monsters and demons
page by page bleeding nightmares feeding
no turning or tugging the soft thumb print of rub
ruby red blush from tickle pink moments of crush
is where I sit open minded brainwashed numb
thick behind dead eyes sometimes insanely strung
I ponder upon things like who would turn the page
if I die per breath keeping the dreams alive by age
my name is Chase I am a deliverer of thought in sleep
and I just got promoted to day dreaming peace
their minds are so fragile, I have conquered dragons
slayed witch's, challenged volcanos expanding
wrap raptured molecules and cradled belief
I have nurtured nature in deep and blew them to sleep
my favourite part is removal of sex in thought
from the human form, I know I seem evil born
but considering act from reaction its cleaner sure
as a tear drops from my eye turning the book to pure
inside out the monsters alive in a new realm
not ready for felt as I cry another tear swelled
it's the first time I really saw death as it melts
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Old 07-23-2019, 12:37 AM   #5
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"Hide and Seek"
The dishes in the sink lent itself to pungent odor
The smell, composed of aged shellfish and yogurt
A hellish imposing aspect of Noah’s reality
In which he escapes often. He’d engage problems..
..resembling ape monsters and battle beasts.
Oh yeah there were casualties. Bill payments stack in heaps.
But his main concerns were space worms they’ve attack the streets!
He shed a tear for Joey, the boy who was snatched and beaten
By four alien outlaws with gigantic claws and huge acid teeth!
He was also surrounded. Open bottles of Dr. Pepper littered the landscape
Drifting in landfill, his hands shook as the octopus men went on a rampage
On the dresser a picture of Danielle, his one time affection
But that was a galaxy far, far away. Not to say there aren't connections
The description of the princess in the book bears an uncanny resemblance..
..to Danielle. It’s hard to tell why it even mattered. Forget it.
Dammit, oh shit!, the Space Gods has their sights on our planet!
We really need to warn the King, guys! We’ll fight til they’re vanquished
The lights started to panic; Flickering in moments of grief.
he needed to focus as beads of sweat formed, federations rolled out in fleets!
The Space Gods, with the loudest of shriek shot a death ray and well...
Everything went to darkness. Noah should’ve paid his bills.
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Old 07-23-2019, 02:02 AM   #6
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Candy -

good work this time on this piece, you've always been pretty clean with the pen here. you did nice with good colorful imagery and nice verse stanza. your wording is cool, and so is this verse. good work.

Scar -

good verse man, you did great. the imagery was really fantastic - and the story-line was good and effective. very good work on this piece scar. nice one man.

overall -

good battle, but scar won this battle with better use of language arts
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Old 07-24-2019, 11:55 AM   #7
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god battle

candy
I thought you verse was solid. I enjoyed that first line. really dug in and gave me dope image. your rhyming was onpoint and you skipped from word to word with a bit of ease, I enjoyed that. this piece was a bit abstract for me tho...the topic comes across the page very vaguely but you did enough to let me see it shrine through. good ish

scar
similar to candies verse it had a dope flow and word use. the imagery was a bit more easy to catch with yours though. clever going back and forth with scenery dude. I liked how you descriptive this was.

overall

I think both have similar styles, if im being honest both dropped some pretty poetic verses. reminder. anyway good battle but I think I got scar simply because his story was a bit more entertaining and although similar in style scar fleshed out a more obvious and easier to follow story.
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Old 07-24-2019, 09:03 PM   #8
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I've now read these both multiple times. Both are pretty good, and they both delve into the realm of fantasy.

Candy's verse intrigued me. I thought the ending left a little to be desired after that buildup but it's still pretty good.

Scar's was an interesting read as well, complete with a main character and a world full of hazards. I don't see how it relates to the picture at all, which, for me, docks it a little.

There is a book in the picture and I think that's where Candy went with it.

Both pieces have 1 or 2 slight grammatical errors.

Anyway, it's not just topic alone; I just think Candy's verse strung me along-- being interested a little more.

V Candy
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Old 07-25-2019, 03:23 PM   #9
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Am I the only one that thought the NSFW tag in the thread title was a bit excessive? I mean, it’s hardly pornographic in the slightest, you could find worse in most red-top newspapers. It’s just funny to me. Lol. This topic is an oddity, I’m not really sure how I would have approached it in truth without much thought. I’d have possibly gone for something along a Wyclef “Told my mama I’m in love with a stripper, yo,” type thing. I’d have probably made it more periodic and Victorian in writers voice and setting though to tie it in more with the image. There’s quite a few possibilities that could be played with around the guy reading a book/story. I find the fact both of the birds (odd additions IMO) looking away in opposite directions quite interesting and could have been delved into with regards to prudishness. There’s a more obvious take that could have been simply around the males admiration of the female form. I think if someone like a CopyPat or Pinot had gone along that route with a more comedic take, this could have been a lot of fun. Anyway, those are my initial thoughts on what could be done to this. Let’s see what you guys had for it...

Candy: There are times where you have this similarity to almost how Inno chooses to write verses, linking a few different associative words of themes poetically and it comes off well. I enjoyed the simplicity of “Up a pond and down a stream,” off bat. It doesn’t sound difficult to do, but the beauty of it almost lies in its simplicity (to me). It reads like something you would find in a children’s book, but I mean that in the best possible way; it’s very easy to understand the language of it and also uses the opposites of up/down along with the synonyms (?) pond and stream. The subtly to it stood out to me, and in a lot of the battles in this tournament I’d imagine it’s the minute details were going to have to pick at to decide winners as the competition grows stronger so deft touches like that aren’t lost on me. “Ruby red blush from tickle pink moments,” was another example of the associative wording at work - helping tie the line into more than just what’s at face value. Some people use their technical skill to do this via rhyme schemes and multi strings at work, others in this tournament use these associative words and imagery to good effect. It’s interesting to me as a reader to see who does what and how. Another point of note for me is that you also went for a more topical piece over a story, something I’ve seen a few different people try in round one when there was a good amount of time where everyone would do a story and not falter from it. It was tried and tested. The topical verse still seems alive and well! I did feel there were other elements from inside the image that could have worked in, the streetlight / candelabra looking thing could have been interpreted as some sort of net or cage that the guy in the chair unknowingly was being lured into by his captor - slowly but surely - and I think that idea would have worked well within the context of your piece with its title. The Book With No Spine was clever too. Kudos!

Scar: You were the stronger here from a technical standpoint, I see how you toyed with the rhyme through the opening couplet and it’s done relatively subtly but the shellfish and yoghurt is out syllabically and sounded rather unnatural wording wise. It was made more noticeable, perhaps, because it was right at the very beginning where you wanted to hook the reader in (ideally) so it almost started off on the wrong foot and left you with work to do to put that right. I think you choosing to go with the story (stories?) he was reading route served you well here because it opened things up for you creatively and you could use all of these varying characters and scenarios as you wanted - it gave you a flexibility to do what you wanted and you got progressively better around that section. The writers voice became a lot more conversational in its tone and it made it read more naturally fluid. Particularly in this section:

Quote:
In which he escapes often. He’d engage problems..
..resembling ape monsters and battle beasts.
Oh yeah there were casualties. Bill payments stack in heaps.
The follow up line following that needed a little tightening around “space worms” for the internal multi maybe, and/or some cleaning up on the wording of “they’ve attacked the streets,” as it isn’t ideal the way you left it. It just needs some polish and a proofread, it’s a relatively easy fix so I’m not going to go overboard on that. I liked the idea of the ‘alien outlaws’ and felt you could have built on that even more strongly imagery wise to develop the characters more and add some depth to them, describe them, maybe reference their home planet or something distinctive about their look/colour/odd shape/hair/tentacles/teeth/whatever. Maybe they look like your opponent in a wig. Something comedic, you know? The references to all these “alien outlaws” “space gods” and the “King” only really served as something surface layer here. Even if you had assigned some kind of made up species/name/title I feel it would have added an element to them, you k ow? It would have given the reader a little more to contemplate imaginatively and help lift them off the page - bringing them more to life - and the story format was an open goal for you to shoot for in terms of the imagery/character development/creativity if you had been able to capitalise on it. Again, there’s stuff I enjoyed which show your potential like the

Quote:
“flickering in moments of grief,”
and I want to see more of that, even if it means restricting your rhyme scheme some what for now and concentrating more on that aspect of your writing over the flair elements. I feel it would serve you better to do so at this point. I did enjoy the narrative this had, especially the closing lines with the fading darkness due to him neglecting his responsibilities while in awe of these stories - I think we can all relate to that in some way via this medium, so that made it more universally appealing right at the end also. I do think you keeping it relatively brief made this more of a contest, with you having the more technical merit in terms of mechanics and rhyme scheme but maybe lesser in the way of visual imagery compared to Candy here. I don’t think you have similar styles, though I do see some similarities, especially around the stuff I quoted from you and him. They were the highlights in both (to me). It really comes down to a preference between them both, and since I am a fan of the more technically proficient elements I am leaning slightly more toward Scar in this one after breaking down both as to my reasons why.

Vote - Scar

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Old 07-25-2019, 06:16 PM   #10
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Candy: Short and sweet, lots of dope literary devices used throughout to synnergize with the story as it all unfolds into a solid and polished piece. It's funny at times yet dark and mysterious in tone throughout. One of the best intros, if not the best, I've seen on here so far. Don't really got much more to say/add about it other than solid, good shit. Defo enjoyed the read.

Scar: Dope intro here as well, sets the tone quite well. The way I read it you paint the picture of a man with anxiety and/or depression of some sort, and I would dare to say some sort of personality disorder whether it's paranoid schizophrenia or some kind of dissociation. Either way I feel you touch on the psyche of a person with extreme inner turmoil and escapes to books in a way that makes it hard to distinguish reality from fantasy which the closure wraps up really well as it all comes crashing down. Thorough and dope.

Vote: First off, how da fuq does one pick a winner on this shit? Both excelled in very different yet pretty similar ways, both are short and sweet with literary devices used well and thought out rhymeschemes to help a solid storyline that fits the topic perfectly but the execution of the story and the details in the picture and the way they're portrayed in your own ways is definitely different in nature. I also felt both managed to include the different elements and details of the topic at hand in a satisfying way.

In the end it kinda comes down to taste and I enjoy the human psyche pretty well. I also liked the inclusion of Danielle which is pretty prevalent in the picture, and Scar painted that character really well with the character as the basis while intertwining the story together in a really interesting way. With weight on the latter and the overall work I got to hand my vote to Scar. But that shouldn't detract from Candy's verse either as I thought it held up really fucking well without going too complex/heavy on the story. Most enjoyable battle I've read so far this week and will be dope to read more from both of you as times goes on, good shit.
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Old 07-25-2019, 10:59 PM   #11
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4-1 scar
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Old 07-25-2019, 11:21 PM   #12
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I thought candy had some dope lines. It just felt disjointed and the connecting concepts were a bit too disparate for coherence imo. Some nice visuals but you gotta tie them together a lil better.

Scar had some dope rhyme schemes and imagery. Like candy i thought the story jumped from here to there a bit savagely at parts. But it was more coherent and enjoyable imo this time around

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Old 07-26-2019, 10:51 AM   #13
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Candy - Enjoyed this read & poetic piece... bar structure was subtle, concise and well delivered. Multiple spots of well-crafted imagery throughout the story, and i quite like the angle you took in relation to the picture

Scar - From a technical writing perspective this was for the most part pretty impressive & well crafted.. A lot of diff elements were presented throughout, & for the storyline you went with, i did enjoy how it was concluded


This is a tough one. Both were well done & completely different not only in their approaches, but in their writing styles... Typically in this kindve situation I would roll with who i thought had the 'better written' piece, as i am the type that prefers a nice flow & multi usage over a more poetic approach, but i cant help but feel like i slightly enjoyed the imagery and direction of Candy's piece.. especially in relation to the picture
Complete toss up... props to both

I vote Candy
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