01-01-2018, 01:18 PM | #1 |
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Week IV: Diablo vs Asylum[DIABLO WINS]
Season 8 Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59 Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59 Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Diablo vs @asylum Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 01-09-2018 at 09:19 PM. |
01-01-2018, 05:45 PM | #2 |
Badgerdick
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Best of luck
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01-06-2018, 10:24 AM | #4 |
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I'm cool with an ext for real, I just don't see how Sunday 11.59 would work though because that would also mean pushing the voting back and then next weeks battles would have to be pushed back as well? Lol
I mean it's up to @Innovator obviously but I think that's why he's only allowed the extensions until 11.59pm tonight |
01-08-2018, 12:15 AM | #5 |
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become what you're afraid to be,
the only face you're ashamed to see. is your own in the mirror staring back painfully. Beg God for clearer sight and see the world shamelessly. What's to gain and who's the crook? Thoughts explained are often truth overlooked. Took for granted last chances turn to frozen moments in time, “I thought I was fine but got lost in the motion,” ends in shrine. Hear the thud of an albatross on an ocean frozen over, that’s your sense of right and wrong when you’re no longer sober. Four leaved clovers attached know and dispatch, throw down the hatch and stroll down factory lane. Close to memory. Thrown over hegemony, in memory of how the sun looked through the clouds. Grown over by plants in a sense, depressive sensory, eclectic memories throw you into oceans of knowledge. The notions acknowledged. Clasp your hands behind your back, suspend your spine in time while your punishments exacted, it’s fact kid. Bite you in the mind like an arachnid, wake up in lake placid choking on moss and dirt. This whole time.. I thought my thoughts weren’t heard.. I’ll kill you first. Last edited by asylum; 01-08-2018 at 12:17 AM. |
01-08-2018, 02:14 AM | #6 |
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The memories he treasures aren't even his own; just sentiments collected from the Breathers below. Being a robotoid, Quark was more than advanced, but to feel an emotion was beyond his borgian grasp. A law has been passed by The Omniversal Rulers of Time that ordered the snatching of iMotion's a re-bootable crime! The units A.I couldn't compute their petty reasons why as the humans he mined the minds of, never seemed to mind. Now the Megacities rife with its cybernetic conglomerate and many Breathers trying to trade credits for consciousness. Some sellers were profiting though, with a vast margin, with synthetic anamnesis being sold on the black market. So knowing who'd had hardship was the same as with drug abuse only the brass-hearted junkbots ever paid for the substitute. Quark favoured impulsive purity and that raw emotion over those tailored to look anew by manumorphing moments. His drive shafts were always open to talk of where to find a cash-strapped source resolved to giving all at any price. As he walked the dead of night of the Wider Web that evening he took a call that energised the very fibres of his being. "Hi," he zerked. "Good evening, Quark" the automaton zapped "Did you find what I'm in need ovf?" he robotically rasped. "I've got what you azked for." vizzed the voice on the dataline as Quark's conduit channels clack "Holopoint me a place and time!" The droid had arranged arrival with immediate haste so Quark loitered the gates of Site X to complete the exchange. He imagined a Breather's sensations to be truly phenomenal and longed to feel the whole range of iMotions humanly possible! He zoomed in his optical lenses a further fifty percent toward the movement he'd spotted in the distance ahead. Quark signalled a sensory message to confirm it was him and the sibylline sectorbot sent an affirmative ping! Both whirred to a whimsical halt and turned down their batteries Quark zurzed "Did you bring them?" from his mouth mechanically. "I did," zowked the zanobeing with feverish zeal as Quark's intrabrowser scans the piece to see if it's real. His vehicle wheels start to spin with ecstatic excitement but as the deals being sealed, he hears the scramble of sirens! A flashing of vibrant lights happened too quick to have caught on as the schemer standing beside him transformed into a Law Bot! "This is a foregone concluzion," the bulwark buzzed with content "We've transcriptz of your thought logs, Quark. You're under arrezt." The punishment meant he was to be completely re-booted until nothing was left of the memory he was so keen on consuming. The policebot produces its holobadge as its helmet retracts and Quark began to feel pretty stupid that he'd fell for the trap. But he'd felt something tangible and was now ready to die by welcoming that great Blue Screen Of Death in the sky. |
01-08-2018, 11:54 PM | #7 |
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Greetings gentlemen, it's been awhile.
This here seems like a very lopsided battle. Diablo's script immediately captured my attention from the beginning as I found his use of very descriptive storytelling very appealing. He clearly had set a foundation in the telling of a futuristic world where robots lived/ruled I assume but I would say I really liked how the story focused on this one scenario, because Diablo was able to really hone in on putting the right details together, like the little conversations between Quark and the other automaton, the use of "z's" thrown here and there to really emphasize that there are robots conversing. He gave us a world, some characters and an overall well written story. Asylum, on the other hand, in comparison to Diablo's piece was a bit lackluster. Where we read a complete, fleshed out story on the one end, we get a much simpler to the point perspective, that wasn't necessarily bad, but maybe could have been better with a bit more clearer direction. The first couple lines were pretty good to open the verse but after that I felt Asylum trailed off the further I went into his piece. I liked some of the connections like "oceans of knowledge/notions acknowledged" but "ends in shrine"/"it's fact kid" were the little pieces that kind of took away from the overall feel of the read. MVGT: Diablo. Good job gentlemen.
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01-09-2018, 12:01 AM | #8 |
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Shorter votes from now on, ha ha!
Asylum The mechanics of this piece were extremely solid. I particularly appreciated all the multis and inners that made the flow as smooth as butter. As far as the content goes, I found it a little unclear, but my interpretation was that the piece was about a man who has been caught for committing a crime (perhaps related to drunkeness if the line about not being sober is literal) and is contemplating what has led him to that moment, before his execution. It is possible that interpretation is way off, but that is what I took from this. I liked the style of writing and the rhyme and the flow. But I would have preferred if the content had been just a shade clearer and more direct, as I was left wondering if I really understood the piece or if I was just grasping at straws. Diablo This piece also had solid mechanics. It used assonance rather than pure rhyme to create some multis. There was an occasional use of inner rhymes but it wasn't consistent. Still fairly good though. The content is where this piece really shines. The concept of emotionless beings (in this case robots) leeching emotions off humans is an interesting one and I don't remember having seen it used in topicals before. The use of some invented vocabulary really added to the science-fiction aesthetic and helped with the world-building, which was another strength of the piece. As far as suggestions for improvement go, I would spend more time on characterisation and defining the social structures (are the ruling class humans or robots or both?). But I really enjoyed this. Comparison Asylum had the slight edge in mechanics in my view, with purer multis and more inner rhyming. However I found Diablo's content far more engaging, with a much clearer story and more interesting concept, so I give the edge to Diablo here. Vote - Diablo |
01-09-2018, 07:16 AM | #9 | |
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01-09-2018, 07:17 AM | #10 | ||||
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01-09-2018, 08:14 PM | #11 |
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Asylum, nice to see you back, I thought your verse was pretty smooth
havent lost your touch but your choice in topic has left me confused. i dont know what you are going for and thats what scares me at the end of the day. maybe because I can see what you are trying to do but it didnt pan out so well. perhaps if you extended on your piece I would have a better grasp on it. about lines 4 through 8 I start to enjoy it because of how you toy with the flow. but then some of it seems to turn into a misguided concept that should be chopped either way I felt this was pretty well done to come off of during a hiatus.. Diablo, Every week it seems you come up with a fresh new concept to bring to the table. its not often you see someone do that, after last weeks battle I hoped youd bring some heat. this was a cool drop, the flow is always concise when you drop as well. I am not one for dialogue but you have a pretty good grasp on what you are trying to convey. I think the interesting part is where you touch on some wording that people rarely think of. which adds to your ability of dropping so rapidly, I really enjoyed the rasped/zapped idea. dope verse. v/Im going to have to give this one to Diablo. the bulk of his verse surpassed what asylum pulled off in his I enjoyed both verses though
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01-09-2018, 09:04 PM | #12 | |||||||||||||||||||||
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asylum:
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Okay, so as an Open Mic drop this piece would be fire. However, as a topical battle verse I'm not sure if this is gonna cut it. Primarily because I have no clue what any of your lyrics were in referance to. You had no title, no picture and no cohesive theme to make your topic known. Thus, the majority of the verse read like you were flexing your ability to rhyme and turn a phrase. You're clearly nice with the pen. That much is obvious. I just feel you came into this battle on a whim because you had the urge to write, but didn't want to expend a tremendous amount of time crafting an entire story. Diablo: Quote:
With that said this intro is dope and I'm curious to see where this goes. Quote:
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Wait, oh, okay, I think you're saying the junkbots can only afford second-hand and or recycled thoughts/memories. Lol. That underlying irony is dope as fuck. Quote:
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Okay, dope plot twist and very descriptive language overall. Your rhyming mechanics were on point and your vocab was stellar. The topic you executed was creative, humorous and full of heart. It was definitely my cup of tea. Thus ... Vote -- Lucifer For producing a richer and more thought-provoking read. Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 01-09-2018 at 09:14 PM. |
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