11-09-2018, 10:09 PM | #1 |
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Artifice vs Master rock[ART WINS]
NWL:Season I: Week VI
Verses ares due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30 Voting on 2 battles is required. TOPIC: “Through the eyes of a soldier” @Artifice @Master Rock Last edited by Inno; 11-27-2018 at 10:14 PM. |
11-10-2018, 02:42 PM | #2 |
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11-11-2018, 08:35 PM | #3 |
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at first it was great to see him come back from the war
but he'd changed, now different than how he'd acted before saw action in Iraq so traumatic it rattled his core and while that battle was won from it a new battle was born weeks of sleepless nights, his every dream's a fight so he keeps a piece within reach it seems no peace in sight hears the screams of tykes in such a scene of strife so much life murdered by machines manned with a demon's might his therapist unprepared for the terror with which he was burdened for what he was bearin' carried a twist the wrong co-ordinates were ordered, scary as shit he barely lived but leveled a village full of parents and kids imprisoned with guilt, he has himself caught watches his self rot trapped inside this mental cell block looks forward to death for it's when his hell stops for this unlucky soldier with a life sentenced to shell shock Last edited by Artifice; 11-15-2018 at 09:30 PM. Reason: edited verse in |
11-16-2018, 09:56 PM | #4 |
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Tears in the middle of the night
telling myself I'm alright I'm really not my bloods hot left and right bodies drop I feel I been shot down echoes of gunshot sounds bloods on the ground I'm lost waiting to be found helicopters above my head burning flesh I smell lead bullets inches from my head tormented from the darkness that continues to spread my life flashes before my eyes while enveloped in the blood shed mist in the atmosphere has me tasting what my brothers have bled but yet in the moment I hear their cries fallen soldiers with the reaper they plead the madness has me hearing whispering of the talking dead fear for the path that lies ahead My blood boils rage has me saturated in red The wars not over it hard to keep my head shoulders tick tock every second that passes I grow a little bit colder I'm fighting against fears, fighting against my tears I'm fighting against my god given years I take a breath Feel the tightening of the chest this life consumed me with the stress encompassed with death why do I seem to be the only one left doomed the opposition of blessed twitching limbs intestines bout to burst from the pressure within clenching my fist before I die conversing with God confessing my sins wheres does the rest begin I spin out of control shots fired I'm leaving holes exterminate all the pain forever will tear through in my soul a pledge to the polls government tolls its based on control deceit Desertion and lies I need to survive yet I'm stuck telling this story through a soldiers eyes Last edited by Master Rock; 11-17-2018 at 08:59 PM. Reason: Wording |
11-18-2018, 02:07 AM | #5 |
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Art - I enjoyed this though I felt there were a couple wording issues in terms of flow only, not really grammatical. I assume this was a drone strike, and if so, I wish you had relayed that fact in some way. There's power in exploring a few meaningful details in depth. All in all though, you still have a knack for telling a full story in few words. I'm used to you tugging on the heart strings a bit more, and I think if you chose to take your time and flesh this one out it could be much better, regardless of the oft used concept, your style shined above the errors. Good shit as always bruhv.
Rock - E-Rek from Bboys/PR I assume, glad your around still putting in work. But if it is you, WTF you leave san diego for chicago...That's going backward guy. Moving on....Fitting topic given ur background. While I enjoyed this verse, it felt lacking at points. The dream sequence where you quickly touched on the echoes and thoughts that haunt the soldier, that could've been a powerful tool utitlized in this verse, but you barely glanced over it. Good battle, given topic such a commoners topic I think you both did well with, I mean it's hard to write something new let alone with a soldier topic. With that said, I wish you both had a fresher angle, though, as I said, I enjoyed each read. However, there is a clear winner in my eyes. One verse was more direct and the better inners and overall flow in my eyes. v/ Artifice close bout, but he had the stronger hand IMO
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11-19-2018, 05:09 PM | #6 |
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I think you guys got stuck with a shitty topic.
Not a huge fan of the whole soldier / war aspect of topicals. Seen them quite a bit, and probably once someone had a fresh take on it. I didn't really like the second verse. Seemed kind of basic, and I was waiting to get pulled in but never did. Also, it was longer than 30 lines. I definitely noticed once I went through so many lines and still didn't have a, 'ahh that was pretty cool moment. Artifice's verse was okay. The technicality behind it made it worth it. Rhyme scheme was cool. A few internals were oddly worded, kind of threw the flow off in certain places. Besides that, overall, it was just a more solid verse. Wish you guys had a better topic, but for now, vArtifice PS: How dare you say Chicago is moving backwards. |
11-26-2018, 11:01 AM | #7 |
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artifice, you were goin pretty strong but halfway thru that flow seemed interrupted and I wsn't sure what to make of it. I don't think u reworked this too much, but for what it's worth there was some emotion there and your story is well rounded. gj on the rhyme emphasis near the end, it was relatively powerful.
master rock - idk dude you were kinda just throwing shit against the wall and waitin for it to stick like.. "I smell lead" in that line could have used some build up.. just throwing shit out there don't work you gotta build up rhyme schemes and create patterns within your work or reading it is like biting into a dry ass turkey sandwich with no water. art got this battle for a more well rounded piece, but it could have gone either way had they ironed out some kinks. good show for the topic provided. |
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