XI WK III: Universe (2-0) vs. Frank (0-0) (UNIVERSE WINS)

[Frank]

Season 11 XI

VERSES: Tuesday, December, 20th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Friday December, 23rd, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! @Universe @Frank

TOPIC:

[Universe]

Only way I take on a mod who chose his own topic after I signed out no less, is if I get an unlimited line limit and no rules.

Absolutely NO HOLDS BARRED.

Those are my terms, Vince.

[Frank]

CHECK!

[Frank]

[Universe]

Fade Away

. ..Behind every great daughter is a truly amazing father.. .

......

The bright light was just beautiful, I saw dad disguised in illusions
Reciting the blueprint of a Nike commercial - Michael's 'Just Do It'
He was only nine or ten too, the TV seemed shiny and new
A Panasonic twenty two inch with a satellite giving boosts
Signaling a tiresome youth; Trials, tribulations, all entirely due
Why would you silently mute a quiet teen who finally grew?
You can rightly assume the marathon to be like his idol ensued
College is moot, he's too tall to dispute basketball is his route...
Don't think there's time to preview everything it ought to include
I watched every crucial last second buzzer beating shot on a loop (there was 8)
No topic's taboo, dad never stayed in an ominous mood
I'm his favorite daughter, do we need to make it an obvious clue?
I am popular, cool; Natalia, Capri and Bianka are doomed
I'm thirteen, of course I think my dad is more awesome than you...

Talking to who?

I sense a cruel foreboding that consciousness looms
I feel one arm and a tooth, and one beat my heart can't recoup...
I'm trying to move... Looking up I see the sky isn't blue
Uncertain what we collided into, all I recall is a mind-bending oof
Blind in a plume of smoke, it's hard to see the positive side of a fluke
Can't spot Ara Zobayan, the best helicopter pilot I knew...
I recall the ride with my crew, Aly & Pay beside me like usual
Hormones firing through, discussing boys that our eyes have perused
A diet of fruit, fish and vegetables stimulate this minor league group
An unfortunate side effect to us thirsty dehydrated goofs
Our Sikorsky chopper flew the players; families we'd invite 'em in too
Luxury cruise, pasta noodles and dad saying, "Eat your vitamins, boo"
Me and my girls enthusiastically know our arrival's at noon
Mamba Ballers will rule & bring home a basketball title from school!
Light rain in view as we circled a minimized L.A. Zoo...
Skyline white as glue, dad mused, "Why are we climbing so soon..."
Heard a spiked decibel while gaining altitude, saw a light then a boom
My mind just got bruised, minus minutiae I saw my life in review:
I'm older as I drive to the hoop and hypnotize them with moves
Best league player in the WNBA, every single guy in pursuit
Dad walked me down the aisle, my groom watched his bride-to-be swoon
Being a wife was a shoe in, plus there was a child to boot!

A boy.

In his eyes were pursuits plus his smile was cute
If I'm defining the truth I'd say he reminds me of you...
Then irony cued, that's when the details of your crime get aloof
You mentally withdrew to where the vilest human might never stoop
A sizeable humiliation; Nothing pans out with optional zoom
You stayed honorable - You were the best dad a daughter could choose
I remember you lifting me high like when you retired in June
From a tight-knit community; In your arms I could fly to the roof!
Call me Gigi or Gianna, in two ways I'm a hybrid of you
You're a giant entombed; No one can deny that your island was proof
Your soul expired prior to being Covid virus immune (what's that?)
Broken violently, no one assumed Kobe Bryant could lose...
People cried as Harbor Day School retired my number 2
Saw the WNBA draft me... that's when I got confused...
What does 'posthumous' mean? That night I was prime in the news
Giving timed interviews I always thought I had the right to refuse
Dad you always said if you could you would buy us the moon
Said if we stop and duly smell the roses then violets would bloom

My Superman.

I never knew the damage blunt force trauma could do
I saw my momma at funerals... but um, why are there two...?
The scene's rewinding; dad's body ignited in fuel and fried to a prune
As the fire consumed you I realized my future had died in it too...
Saw your profile on the horizon, waiting in the whitest of rooms
Enticing me to it... I felt safer than being right in mom's womb
We began rising... It's truly as if your height had improved
I felt your loving caress as you hugged me tightly then-- Poof.
It's as if a halo had lowered into an enlightened round noose

Tying loose ends.

Like someone knew I can't live life without you...

Let's go, Dad.

We got this.



http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=141840

[Frank]

For The Love Of The Game





“Michael Jordan dribbling to the arch for the 3!”
From the top of the perimeters circumferences key:
Out of bounds—CAREENING—Into the bleachers rumbling seats
#23: shrugs at The Dean. Coach Dean shrugs at the team—

"What does all the shruggery mean?"

Coach Dean calls for the "Time-Out!" with a disruptive T!
...Scolding the rookie in front of the team...
Cussing obscene, an ugly scene:
“Adjust To The Screen!!!"
"Find The Open Man Cutting To The Basket—Or I'm Subbing In Pete!”
The Referee blew the whistle! EARDRUM PUNCTURING: “Twwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee******!!!!!“
Shouting Thunderously:

"FOLLOW YOUR SHOT!!!"

—Over Fans—Up On Their Feet!!!
An Undefeated Team...
...Crushing The League
Rough/Mean: They're A Dunking Machine:
They were FASTER. They were STRONGER. They were BIGGER. They were TOUGHER:
...But we were gunning for the ring! Sinking buckets, Dropping jumpers and Hustling on D:

They had gotten into foul trouble

...As Number 23, fought-off the double team and got off the shot that had the buzzer beat!
Jordan dropped "ANOTHER 3!" With the clutchest release of anybody The Dean must’ve seen since the Bucks had Kareem
Their heads hung in defeat:
The shot clock stopped at

3:23

The score board read

100 — 3
They Were Only Up By 3!

—[MALFUNCTIONING]—





Coach Dean, draws up another scheme & Comes Up With A Speech:
“Some wish it would happen, some want it to happen, others make it happen:

"Which Ones Are We!?”

The sweat, pouring off #23's body—huffing and puffing with steam
#23: comforts his young team overrunned with fatigue

The NBA scouts are watching number #23 up in the luxury seats

The NBA Draft Is Your Chance To Make Reality Of What Once Was Your Dream

“The moneys guaranteed, but your minutes are not. So, play these last couple of minutes with All You've Got
Whole Bunch Of Belief…

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

"TARHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pom-Pom's Pumping. Drummers Drumming: Marching Band Trumpets Erupting
#23...Beating The Defender—off-of-the weak side: DUNKING ANDSTUFFING IT!!
#23 Ran The FloorAnd crashed the boards... Sneaker's Shuffled & Squeaked
—Defense—Wins—Championships—
D-FENCE:
D-FENCE!
D-FENCE:
D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“They Call Him Windex Man: Because He's Always Cleaning The Glass—Going Up For The RE!”
Fundamentals can be teached

But what #23, could do, under pressure, at crunch time, was something to see:

“With Authority! Yes, And It Counts! He’ll Go To The Line For One.”
#23cut the lead

...Cross Over


Drop Step. . .



The Floater




***TTTTTWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE***
...Coach Dean: drew up a play, for the brightest young star in the country: #23.
...#23, missed the free throw, just so, he could out-hustle and retrieve-the-ball and hit the GAME-WINNING-BUCKET
Nothing. But. Net.
Extending His Tongue As He Leaped!!!!!!!!!!!
Under The Heap Of
The #1 Team

Gatorade Dumped On The Dean:

...Posing...




...After The Shot...

Hand Up With The Ring

*SWISH*

[brokenhal0]

LMAO

Universe - You where having fun here it shows honestly the whole eyes through a child teenager characterizations some writers use on this site make me scratch my head it's just cringe inducing given that some are so capable of high levels of imagination and intellect in there mental worlds ...its like modern day horror movies whose hero is the young teenage girl/boy or child ...just a played out theme... but whatever maybe im just a bitter old man... it's a noticeable pattern sometimes and maybe cause tis the season 3 writtens that been dropped this week have had some psuedo childhood teen angst/impersonals in them...whatever hip hop therapy lmao..rant over ...everything else was dope i respect that you don't give a fuck when it comes to line count.. the whole Kobe plane crash tie in with his daughters forbearance the HIP HOP cadence that helps guide the reader along the metaphorical tie in of character interactions in general shows why your one of the more talented writers on this site great closer BTW..


Frank - Well you are the last season champ you are the mod props for Having fun and still holding it down..also Thank you! for not writing something through the eyes of a child or some emo concept One more and I would have banged my head against the wall...your story had humor it was almost like reading a highlight reel on espn or some shit it had originality (how you countered kobe with jordan) slick... the signature frank bold lettering spacing and almost comic book like delivery...the little allegory of a writer on the level #23
but i think it lacked not necessarily a story but the overall mental visual of a story that rollercoasted me as a reader which universe did.... i felt like it was more ''dialogue style reading of the picture with the typical frank flex '' and then you used words like (scolding) (cussing)...''facepalm''.... i know this is a topical tourney but ain't this also a hiphop website
how many rappers actually ever use the word ''scolding'' and ''cussing''
lmao maybe slick rick and let's not even touch on ATL shawty lol
im just talking shit and having fun here...but for the effort you put in alone modding half this site....you still managed to write a enjoyable scene i just think universe's story had a little more substance and what it lacked in flair it made up for in fire lol (pun intended)


Mvgt- Universe

Frank sometimes a writers personality and humor trumps the 'emotion' or 'seriousness' that might be more relatable to the reader but who cares it's fun I do it all the time ..I always enjoy the creative skill of your work this time the flex didn't match the overall intensity universe cooked up but still very slick writing...

[Cereal]

universe:

. ..Behind every great daughter is a truly amazing father.. .

truly an emotional opening.. wonderful simply marvelous..

The bright light was just beautiful, I saw dad disguised in illusions

amazing first line it really set the pace for whatever this story is its going to be dope.. i am always a sucker for a good intro.. i use to watch that ish to mj adds in mj caps.. watch state tryout games from front row seats after meeting nba players of my country with friends on the court.. dope days indeed very dope days.. the rhyme structure is nice and the general structure of the verse..
best line so far prolly you want be better then this though
I'm trying to move... Looking up I see the sky isn't blue
also dope i followed your colour blue all the way to the white line dope
waiting in the whitest of rooms
cool little diddy..

frank:
i love the adjusting to the scene line you actually sit in your chair and then pow that line set you straight.. then this line cool to An Undefeated Team... really puts you there just the delivery of it.. great nba language man its on fire.. downtown boomshackalacka i dont wanna be a fag or nothing but as good as universes is i think you got this in the bag.. just your basketball knowledge alone makes for a good read... buzzer beat! dope part to.. his against kareem very basket ball diaries i love this verse man.. malfunctioning clock thing was dope.. prolly the best part it actually takes you out of the nba talk which is dope.. quote is basically the worst part of the verse actually makes me hate it but saying that i am being anal because the verse is so hot saying that though it is still a nice quote.. Pom-Pom's dope line.. my new fav line.. your structure is unique like always but your rhyme is dope prolly a highlight.. the crossover hit perfect delivery if i was going to use one thats the way i would use it.. um i have flooded this breakdown dude so im just run it down with a vote but still read your ish.. gl

vote = frank

by a landslide boom

[symetrik]

universe -

The bright light was just beautiful, I saw dad disguised in illusions
Reciting the blueprint of a Nike commercial - Michael's 'Just Do It'
He was only nine or ten too, the TV seemed shiny and new
A Panasonic twenty two inch with a satellite giving boosts
Signaling a tiresome youth; Trials, tribulations, all entirely due
Why would you silently mute a quiet teen who finally grew?
You can rightly assume the marathon to be like his idol ensued
College is moot, he's too tall to dispute basketball is his route...
Don't think there's time to preview everything it ought to include
I watched every crucial last second buzzer beating shot on a loop (there was 8)
No topic's taboo, dad never stayed in an ominous mood
I'm his favorite daughter, do we need to make it an obvious clue?
I am popular, cool; Natalia, Capri and Bianka are doomed
I'm thirteen, of course I think my dad is more awesome than you...

Talking to who?

I took "he was only nine or ten too" to be a lil play on words, like "he was a kid" but also "dude was a giant". good sense of setting Kobe as attentive to everything he could learn and gather from things as simple as commercials of his idols, I've seen an interview or two with the guy and he seems the type to pick apart what worked for others and make it work for himself too. this stanza might have a little confusion, mostly in the sense of "wait the girl's thirteen but the dad was how old when he started his tiresome youth?" ya feel. "route" definitely depends on pronunciation but I'm lenient with my rhymes so I'll be lenient with yours lmao, both are valid ways to pronounce it.

I watched every crucial last second buzzer beating shot on a loop

cleanest line.

I don't know much about his life, but I appreciate the references - had to look up his family, but honestly at first read through those names just struck me as popular names so it worked regardless.

I sense a cruel foreboding that consciousness looms
I feel one arm and a tooth, and one beat my heart can't recoup...
I'm trying to move... Looking up I see the sky isn't blue
Uncertain what we collided into, all I recall is a mind-bending oof
Blind in a plume of smoke, it's hard to see the positive side of a fluke
Can't spot Ara Zobayan, the best helicopter pilot I knew...
I recall the ride with my crew, Aly & Pay beside me like usual
Hormones firing through, discussing boys that our eyes have perused
A diet of fruit, fish and vegetables stimulate this minor league group
An unfortunate side effect to us thirsty dehydrated goofs
Our Sikorsky chopper flew the players; families we'd invite 'em in too
Luxury cruise, pasta noodles and dad saying, "Eat your vitamins, boo"
Me and my girls enthusiastically know our arrival's at noon
Mamba Ballers will rule & bring home a basketball title from school!
Light rain in view as we circled a minimized L.A. Zoo...
Skyline white as glue, dad mused, "Why are we climbing so soon..."
Heard a spiked decibel while gaining altitude, saw a light then a boom
My mind just got bruised, minus minutiae I saw my life in review:
I'm older as I drive to the hoop and hypnotize them with moves
Best league player in the WNBA, every single guy in pursuit
Dad walked me down the aisle, my groom watched his bride-to-be swoon
Being a wife was a shoe in, plus there was a child to boot!

A boy.

this was a REAL quick pivot to the event, which I think works well - shit like this comes out of the blue and it replicated that by the timing of this IMO. "mind bending oof" is... I hate it, but I think this is just an attempt to replicate the way kids might be speaking. she seemed like she had a stronger vocab than this? so it throws me off. I'm seeing the imagery of the clouds and shit, but not fully connecting on the diet/etc.

minus minutiae I saw my life in review

two points, I think this is a dope line, but it says "review" - the following lines definitely feel more like a "damn this is all the cool stuff that could have happened" and not really a flashback/review.

In his eyes were pursuits plus his smile was cute
If I'm defining the truth I'd say he reminds me of you...
Then irony cued, that's when the details of your crime get aloof
You mentally withdrew to where the vilest human might never stoop
A sizeable humiliation; Nothing pans out with optional zoom
You stayed honorable - You were the best dad a daughter could choose
I remember you lifting me high like when you retired in June
From a tight-knit community; In your arms I could fly to the roof!
Call me Gigi or Gianna, in two ways I'm a hybrid of you
You're a giant entombed; No one can deny that your island was proof
Your soul expired prior to being Covid virus immune (what's that?)
Broken violently, no one assumed Kobe Bryant could lose...
People cried as Harbor Day School retired my number 2
Saw the WNBA draft me... that's when I got confused...
What does 'posthumous' mean? That night I was prime in the news
Giving timed interviews I always thought I had the right to refuse
Dad you always said if you could you would buy us the moon
Said if we stop and duly smell the roses then violets would bloom

My Superman.

I think... we're still in the "review"? bc otherwise I don't understand the context of author being Gianna but being alive for a posthumous thing, unless this is a reference I'm missing - but I don't think so, since a line or two later "dad you always said", which implies he's gone. this is a little tough to follow IMO. also the "covid virus immune (what's that?)" is confusing - is it "the daughter doesn't quite understand a pandemic" or is it the author's political jab? this stanza had the appropriate moments but nothing stood out, and I felt a bit confused after it.

I never knew the damage blunt force trauma could do
I saw my momma at funerals... but um, why are there two...?
The scene's rewinding; dad's body ignited in fuel and fried to a prune
As the fire consumed you I realized my future had died in it too...
Saw your profile on the horizon, waiting in the whitest of rooms
Enticing me to it... I felt safer than being right in mom's womb
We began rising... It's truly as if your height had improved
I felt your loving caress as you hugged me tightly then-- Poof.
It's as if a halo had lowered into an enlightened round noose

Tying loose ends.

Like someone knew I can't live life without you...

Let's go, Dad.

We got this.

back on track in the present, at the crash. maybe an out-of-body experience witnessing her own death is what I'm gathering now. not sure the imagery of a noose makes sense to me, but this was a solid closer.

---

Frank - so I don't have to say it after each stanza, great use of spacing and formatting to visually create certain feelings, onomatopoeia vibes, etc.

“Michael Jordan dribbling to the arch for the 3!”
From the top of the perimeters circumferences key:
Out of bounds—CAREENING—Into the bleachers rumbling seats
#23: shrugs at The Dean. Coach Dean shrugs at the team—

"What does all the shruggery mean?"

grammar is distracting, needs some key punctuation that is throwing me off. decent flow, some words need to be cleaned up. are bleachers seats? how are they rumbling?

Coach Dean calls for the "Time-Out!" with a disruptive T!
...Scolding the rookie in front of the team...
Cussing obscene, an ugly scene:
“Adjust To The Screen!!!"
"Find The Open Man Cutting To The Basket—Or I'm Subbing In Pete!”
The Referee blew the whistle! EARDRUM PUNCTURING: “Twwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee******!!!!!“
Shouting Thunderously:
"FOLLOW YOUR SHOT!!!"

I don't like "scene/scene" it stands out in a bad way. Pete BETTER be a real person, but I'm not looking it up. as before, decent flow but even with the visual aide of spacing it hits a few bumps for me.

—Over Fans—Up On Their Feet!!!
An Undefeated Team...
...Crushing The League
Rough/Mean: They're A Dunking Machine:
They were FASTER. They were STRONGER. They were BIGGER. They were TOUGHER:
...But we were gunning for the ring! Sinking buckets, Dropping jumpers and Hustling on D:
They had gotten into foul trouble
...As Number 23, fought-off the double team and got off the shot that had the buzzer beat!
Jordan dropped "ANOTHER 3!" With the clutchest release of anybody The Dean must’ve seen since the Bucks had Kareem
Their heads hung in defeat:
The shot clock stopped at

3:23

The score board read


100 — 3
They Were Only Up By 3!
—[MALFUNCTIONING]—

"rough/mean" meh. I liked "faster/stronger/bigger/tougher", if only for the daft punk vibe. who or what is D, defense?

Jordan dropped "ANOTHER 3!" With the clutchest release of anybody The Dean must’ve seen since the Bucks had Kareem

dope.

I didn't understand "100 to 3" but "they were only up by 3"? I generally understand "up by 3" to mean "3 more than the other team".

Coach Dean, draws up another scheme & Comes Up With A Speech:
“Some wish it would happen, some want it to happen, others make it happen:
"Which Ones Are We!?”
The sweat, pouring off #23's body—huffing and puffing with steam
#23: comforts his young team overrunned with fatigue
The NBA scouts are watching number #23 up in the luxury seats
The NBA Draft Is Your Chance To Make Reality Of What Once Was Your Dream
“The moneys guaranteed, but your minutes are not. So, play these last couple of minutes with All You've Got
Whole Bunch Of Belief…
ONE!


TWO!!


THREE!!!

"TARHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Coach Dean, draws up another scheme & Comes Up With A Speech:
“Some wish it would happen, some want it to happen, others make it happen:
"Which Ones Are We!?”

strong start, this worked well and flowed well. alright imagery but not as strong as I would have liked it, more focus on the exhaustion and fatigue would be cool, I think it pivoted to the scouts too quickly.

Pom-Pom's Pumping. Drummers Drumming: Marching Band Trumpets Erupting
#23...Beating The Defender—off-of-the weak side: DUNKING ANDSTUFFING IT!!
#23 Ran The FloorAnd crashed the boards... Sneaker's Shuffled & Squeaked
—Defense—Wins—Championships—
D-FENCE:
D-FENCE!
D-FENCE:
D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“They Call Him Windex Man: Because He's Always Cleaning The Glass—Going Up For The RE!”
Fundamentals can be teached
But what #23, could do, under pressure, at crunch time, was something to see:
“With Authority! Yes, And It Counts! He’ll Go To The Line For One.”
#23cut the lead

...Cross Over

Drop Step. . .

The Floater

***TTTTTWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE***

felt a bit more of the energy here, but I don't watch basketball so some of the phrasings lost itself on me.

Sneaker's Shuffled & Squeaked // D-FENCE:
D-FENCE!
D-FENCE:
D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for some reason this hit really well for me and put me in the space - chanting, etc.

But what #23, could do, under pressure, at crunch time, was something to see:

punctuation again, but smooth at its core.

...Coach Dean: drew up a play, for the brightest young star in the country: #23.
...#23, missed the free throw, just so, he could out-hustle and retrieve-the-ball and hit the GAME-WINNING-BUCKET
Nothing. But. Net.
Extending His Tongue As He Leaped!!!!!!!!!!!
Under The Heap Of
The #1 Team


Gatorade Dumped On The Dean:
...Posing...

...After The Shot...

Hand Up With The Ring

*SWISH*

nothing really stand out, but a good wrap up IMO.

vote: Universe

[timeless]

Frank writing drunk again

[Pharaohs Army]

got a vote @timeless?


What an exciting dichotomy.

We have Universe, where it's not enough to rhyme one stanza. We're going the entire piece again guys! This sarcasm is not to disparage; It's actually quite impressive that it's something you're normalizing.
Regarding that, I guess I would just say this:... in your honest opinion are there 1-2 lines in there that can just be cleaned up SO much... fit & descriptive, that could sacrifice an end-rhyme or 2? In other words, an entire piece rhyming end-rhymes is impressive, but what if a few end rhymes were different but there was some cleaner phraseology or a better story on 1 or 2 of those lines?... If not, great,, and the clean rhyme throughout is a "given", while the other stuff you do naturally.. But if SO, or if Maybe, just think about it as a philosophical writing question... There are a FEW rhyme-reaches here...you are polished and practiced so there aren't a lot...which is impressive.
Your bars don't LOOK long to the eye but they definitely ARE long... not a knock just something I noticed compared to your previous pieces.. and by that I also mean longer/slower rhymes..
Story-wise I thought your personalization (not even a word)... Personification was great. Of Kobe's daughter and her POV. Impressively written.
Description/Imagery/Story of the crash, etc. All there...
About my only knock is that you could have maybe done this with about 2/3rds or 3/4ths the lines.. I don't want to stifle creativity or length but that's basically my only knock on this piece. I thought we could have got the same thing out of a little bit shorter. WELL DONE


Then we have Frank, with the ultimate Onomatopoeia piece!
Lol, I loved the tons of rhymes for the MOST PART... There were a couple reaches for phonetic purposes (up for the "Re", few others)... I thought the set/setting was described well, as well as the game situation and what transpires in the game...

Loved the off-center font near the end where the it doesn't matter which line the reader looks at first because they are rhyming & related, lol.

This was exciting for what it was. Your own standards may work against you here as, I think, if you spent a bit more time you'd come up with something longer to compete with Uni's detailed verse which had a big length advantage and was well-written enough for Uni to take the W... But as was said, Frank this piece was mad cool and rhymey. Just not the winner this week...

Nice job both.

[Adverse]

Universe:
This was a super characteristic piece for you (not a bad thing at all) again there wasn’t any mystique to this one, like last week I knew what you were talking about from the very beginning and also something you wrote an extensive 400 line open mic about already, I liked that you took this from Gigi’s perspective though this time, that switch of perspective made it all feel fresh. Imagery was on point and this dream like haze enveloped the whole entire piece, like a flashback scene in a movie, it was cool that you were able to convey that as a writer. Story was pretty standard and like I said we all know how it ended before we got there, and honestly while the continuous rhyme scheme was impressive it made me a little exhausted throughout but this was still a good piece so kudos.

Frank:
This felt really weak on your end brotha. I know it’s the holidays/you’re running the league but this was just not as engaging as your usual stuff, the rhyme scheme is still impressive but I didn’t like the way it was formatted personally, it felt very choppy to me. And it was just boring to me, you took the same route as Universe where you were telling us a story we already knew the end to, but instead of switching up the perspective and making it fresh it was just from the same perspective we’ve always seen it, so it was the same story we’ve all heard, it just rhymed a bit. I know you’re one of the best to ever do it and you had some impressive stuff last season but this wasn’t great and I don’t think this topic helped you any.

Universe was just stronger in all categories imo so I got him here

V/Uni

[Frank]

@Scar @Quill @NYCSPITZ @Eviction @MMLP @dead man @timeless @Dominate @Dope girl @Civil Rawr xD @Inno @Pent uP @Ender @MaCe @Mike Wrecka @Mr. J @Blue Bayou

ATTN ITT:Effective Immediately. The Failure to meet THE Vote REQUIRMENT results in Penalty
...Each vote you forfeit will be DISCOUNTED/DEDUCTED from your Battle...



Voting is HALF THE BATTLE:



Strongly advised: VOTE NOW to avoid entering your battle next wk w/ vote deficit:



@Universe @Frank
Currently 4-1. First to 6 votes wins: GL!

[Dope girl]

This is tough both great... Both had decent flow.
Both entertaining. Creativity there in both vs. both had enjoyment
Frank vs more creative with topic compare to Universe.

Vote-Frank

[Diablo]

Voting

It might take me a while as I just got back from holiday late last night

didn’t expect this to still be open to be real

[Universe]

Originally Posted by Dope girl

This is tough both great... Both had decent flow.
Both entertaining. Creativity there in both vs. both had enjoyment
Frank vs more creative with topic compare to Universe.

Vote-Frank

VOTE FLAGGED.

Further Explanation Required.

@Dope girl

[Diablo]

This would have been a tough topic for me, personally, as I don’t follow basketball at all really! I have little knowledge of the game outside of some basic terminology like “free throw”, “dribbling,” and “slam dunk” along with knowing some big names like Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant and maybe Shaq. That’s about the extent of what I know about b-ball. Very little, to be honest, so what I would have perhaps done here is opted for something more metaphorical and less direct. The clip itself doesn’t lend itself to much else outside of basketball, what do we even see happening there… there’s clearly some sort of game at one point, then three different jump cuts to either different shots or the same shot being played from different angles. Perhaps this is a virgin trying out his game on a chick and hoping to shoot his shot successfully. Just to turn the topic on its head and come at this from left field somewhat, go for something outside of the obvious. It could be something told from the ball, or even the nets perspective, where you could work in some basketball related terms and wordplay but the actual characterisation then wouldn’t necessarily need to be all about the game itself, using the clip more as a springboard into a different story rather than you having to be pulled in the obvious direction. That could work. Anyway, on with the game, let’s see how you both scored (pun always intended)…

[sral]

Uni - This one is somewhat familiar to me, I know of the event as the crash was reported worldwide but I’m honestly not all too familiar with the daughter aside from the name. I know little of the incident leading to the crash itself, I just know that it happened and who was involved and that’s the extent of my knowledge really so I apologise if there’s anything glaring obvious to you that I may have missed but basketball just isn’t as popular here as, let’s say, football/soccer for example. It isn’t a sport many of us actively follow and I’d be inclined to say the lives of its superstars even less so. I do remember your previous piece after the helicopter crash, so some of this story is familiar territory to me, though this one is different as it’s told from the eyes of the daughter itself. I didn’t feel like the language used was done so to imitate that of a little girl, like I saw Sym give a nod to, in fact there were times like the use of “minutiae” for example where the vocabulary used wouldn’t likely have been thrown around by most fully grown adults. I certainly didn’t think the writers voice employed was that of a child, rather an author omnipotent but yes - projecting the thoughts and fears of this little girl lost after the crash. There are times when you seemed to flex like you were taking on Frank’s own style somewhat, stacking up the multi syllable rhymes and carrying it over a prolonged period. There were the other obvious nods with the right-aligned one liners and such sprinkled throughout that didn’t escape my notice. The ending was well done I thought, and probably was the strongest note to finish on, what I took from it was as if this were the daughter in spirit form - shortly after the accident perhaps - and not realising that she was, in fact, no longer living. I could be wrong, for sure, but that’s what I took from it. Perhaps trapped in some sort of eternal purgatory unable to move on, caught between the two worlds, taken from one all too soon yet still not ready to accept her final resting place in the other.

[sral]

F rank: What I liked about this one was it’s pacing, it gave the read an almost like flick-book type effect with a succession of fast images as it unfolded rapidly. I think that worked well in respect of the narrative here as it was almost like the game itself was being played out in real time, a play-by-play, with you acting as the commentator for the audience at home. I can’t think of a better way to describe that right now so I hope you can comes across and is understood as it gives it a real frenetic feel to proceedings and, as a reader, it places you right at the heart of the action from the start. There’s no slow burner build up, you have the attention of a captive audience right from the jump. I’ve noticed NYCSpitz utilise similar previously also and it’s an effective tool to use. Now, there’s also a lot more happening here throughout like the subtle nuances and overarching rhyme schemes where you carry the same masculine sounds for a duration. From a technical standpoint this has its merits, there are times when you’re using spoken dialogue from the characters where this restricts you somewhat though and it can come off as somewhat unnatural, I’m not sure if you’re happy to sacrifice that fact for the love of the scheme or if you place a higher importance on the spoken dialogue and whatnot - personally, I’m of the latter mindset, and there are ways and means of executing it so that you find a happy medium between the two in my opinion. I say that because hand on heart I’ve been exactly where you are now and felt the benefits of being able to sustain that scheme for so long far outweighed the necessary snippets of dialogue to move the story along. I’ve certainly opted for the same route you choose to take, in the past, and it’s only some years later did I start to see perhaps I could break with the elongated scheme and switch it up without losing anything from a technical point of view. I don’t carry on the scheme simply because I choose not to nowadays, it’s not that I can’t do it, I absolutely can and have shown as much. It just isn’t my calling card. Lol. I think you feel this may be you at your ceiling and you wouldn’t want to do anything less than the level you’re currently at, but improving the dialogue between your characters and making it more natural sounding would definitely add a further element to your game. We know you can do things from a mechanics standpoint, it’s only really yourself you’re proving things to from here on out, I think knowing that you may even opt to try something else out. I definitely think throwing away the restrictions that come with trying to write such rigid schemes each week would offer you more freedom you could then revel in. Thrive in even. Try it. There were elements later on with the introduction of the score board and buzzer etc that reminded me somewhat of that chess playing robot madness you brought to the table one week. I think that batshit crazy creative side to you is you at your best, not this strict rhyme scheme using Frank you’ve manifested into over last season - though, I do see that you’ve somewhat combined those two things here this week. Two very different sides to the same person I feel.

So who and how do I decide? I felt like Frank offered more by way of pacing to his story overall, Universe had more of a slow burn with the ultimate payoff coming at its closing lines, and while I felt like from a technical standpoint both did well enough it to not really play all that important a role here - what mattered was the other components that made up each verse. For Uni, that was the angle of the daughter being dead but not quite realising it. It had an emotional attachment, it was a unique point of view to have taken the reigns of, and it delivered to that end. In Frank’s piece it had great pacing and an abundance of assonance and rhyming - it’s almost disorientating at times as there are that many rhymes in short succession lol - but ultimately it was a basketball story and very directly on topic with not so much in the realms of a creative spark to really separate it, Uni on the other hand had an original angle to tell this through the eyes of and that’s ultimately what settled this one for me this week.

[Frank]

@Universe
WINS!