XI WK III: Pharaohs Army (0-0) vs. symetrik (0-0) (TIE)

[Frank]

Season 11 XI

VERSES: Tuesday, December, 20th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Friday, December, 23rd, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! @Pharaohs Army @symetrik

TOPIC:

[symetrik]

Heather started driving at ten - late mornings, like the maintenance crews.
It gave her time to unwind - wake up, and take in the news.
A cup of juice on the counter - a bagel discarded,
she picks up her phone - makes sure it’s charged,
and then puts on her shoes.

“Home” in a heart-shaped mat stashes a key, which means she’s never been locked out,
so she locks up - then walks to her car that she parked a couple of spots down.
On the dashboard are a lot of odds with no ends,
sheets of loose leaf paper with notes that don’t make sense,
splotchily painted lego blocks,
and bobbleheads that wobble when she watches them.

While her residence is homely - her car is more surrealist.
Her home is for her “friends”, for whom her trauma, she conceals it.
“Friends” is used loosely… “how’s your momma?” doesn’t dignify a reply.
Just a Hobby Lobby woman surviving these incredibly violent times.

She sits inside and pulls the door close ‘til it’s closed with a click,
then she takes up the notated papers she composed with a BIC,
checks in the back seat to ensure the storm coats exist,
then heads to a shelter to give warmth to the homeless and sick.

…

the wind whips blustery as Heather arrives at the Refuge - a shelter,
while clouds cluster together providing the promise of a deluge of weather.

…

A curious couple of folk look up from the floor to see who’s arrived,
as a bundle of coats walks in through the door and an arm extends through the side.
While the homeless helped Heather unload coats, no one noticed the sky…
the door slams closed from behind.

Heather turns nervous, arms half unloaded, as an outside siren peals and peaks,
seeking a brass badge for the reason, though she hates the police.
Mostly cuz her mom kept recalling the pig that abused them…
and she’s been scolded enough that she knows when to morally speak.
Out of turn, she retreats her concern with relief.

Heather listens to loonies give a wickedly vitriol speech,
as she lays the last coats out, she double-checks their material’s clean,
shoos away teens trying to sneak stickers of “Israel’s free”,
then packs bags to leave as they’re preaching for thieves to “collect” what they fiscally need.

She’s mostly to the door, when once again the sirens sound.
She glances out and notices, above them, all the murus clouds,
a moment’s hesitation, as the funnel spins and swirls down,
and only moments later it is touching ground.
Heather ponders ducking out…

…

across town: in a state of debris, the wind whips through glass that has shattered,
and the furious funnel tunnel visions a group of youth ‘til they scatter.

…

It only takes a moment to reach them and rips through the roof.
Heather covers her head reflexively, her moment of truth…
Guess she wasn’t as tough as she thought. The wind whips away,
and one of the teens wanders over to check if she’s doing okay.

She’s sobbing and angry that she cowered to fear.

https://iranwire.com/en/politics/108...protests-2022/

[Pharaohs Army]

[Quick disclaimer about a technicality: I had started writing, setting the store in a foreign country before I realized at the end of the clip there is a large sign in English. Forgive me & try’n work with it.
Couple words in parentheses: these are optional for the reader based on syllable/flow preference.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a medium-sized town in Eastern Ukraine
a large shopping center was damaged and looted
A result of the war of aggression started by (Russia’s) Vladimir Putin
Since spring the town has seen its share of bombings & shootings
In a war of attrition it’s hard to tell which side is winning or losing

Low on supplies due to the war,
Russian troops w/ their muddy boots decided to ransack the store!
They filled up their tanks & trucks - then (they) ran back for more
Unabashed theft: food, medical supplies, batteries & such
At least what was left; and that wasn’t much
It was for their survival; this kind of deplorable conduct
which filled the floor with rubble & deprived the aisles of product

The store’d been closed a few days before the looting troops
due to a missile - which left a gaping hole in the roof!

Putin’s war resulted in a looted super-store

Putin’s war resulted in a looted super-store


Every night civilians hear the sounds of sirens & whistles
warning the town of incoming rockets & missiles…
Any target is possible, including high-rise apartments & hospitals
(&)For all the broken windows there are countless hopeless widows:
refugees who cry at night on foreign pillows, praying their loved ones weren’t killed slow

Putin had honestly planned
to invade sovereign land since 2014
when he had the idea to annex Crimea
Then it was the Donbas region
State propaganda: dissent is treason!
False flags/special operations:
“de-Nazification”of the population of the former Soviet nation
Naval blockades preventing the export of grain
Targeting water & power supplies to inflict maximum pain
A very gory territory… w/ reports of mass graves

The sanctions aren’t quite enough
But w/ the help of Western weapons Ukraine is fighting tough!
They remember they’re not a NATO member - never had an induction
No U.S. troop involvement due to mutually assured nuclear destruction

Putin’s war resulted in a looted super-store.

[brokenhal0]

Here's the thing some writers on this site are not from the USA and it shows in slang and wordplay not to say it's a negative but for me personally when i read back some rhymes the momentum just stops Or the verse loses its ''hiphop'' edge while sticking to the story and read's like a scene from a lifetime movie and that's not a diss to anyone but I prefer underground east coast NY style hiphop (hood shit) and yes even my favorite rappers from the westcoast or UK tend to rhyme with a eastcoast underground grittiness so when i read certain words or someone writes bars that i would consider (soft) it just makes me feel like nah this shit ain't my style that said let me vote...

Symetrik - While you had a more interesting take on the picture your lack of big words internals and overall rhyme structure suffered in areas..your punctuation and wording are on point and that helps guide me as a reader along ill give u that once again idk if your from the usa but when i read these bars


''Heather turns nervous, arms half unloaded, as an outside siren peals and peaks,
seeking a brass badge for the reason, though she hates the police.
Mostly cuz her mom kept recalling the pig that abused them…
and she’s been scolded enough that she knows when to morally speak.
Out of turn, she retreats her concern with relief.''

words like ''scolded'' just totally kill the momentum it makes me feel like im reading something written by a old english woman..i also feel like you played it very safe the whole story while interesting in it's take never goes beyond the bounds of basic in it's delivery the biggest word you used was ''vitriol'' it lacked metaphor allegory grittiness personality ...but you did have some solid multi's and flow... once again this is some subjective shit so don't take it some type of way.. there are writers on this site who prefer this style me personally I thought cool story just very basic and soft in terms of delivering impact on certain levels it needed more edge or abstraction in terms of delivery... like a writer who is following the structural hip hop guideline on how to write but leaving out there own originality ...it reads more like a movie short or screenplay with flow...

Pharaohs Army - While i think your story being politically motivated was kinda lame in terms that both writers had extensions symetrik wins in the creativity department
but your verse had more of a hip-hop feel to it there was flow
there was cadence it was a bit basic in terms of wordplay considering i didn't read any bars that jumped out at me like Whoa he flipped that shit it was almost as basic as symetrik in terms of how safe it was but i did enjoy the details the imagery and the relevance pertaining to how you kept the story and the picture in line with your initial
concept compared to some of your other written's in the past it lacked the humor and emotion which to me are your strong points in these type of tournaments...


Mvgt -Pharaohs Army ...not by much...it just reads better to me and the concept and plot were easier to work with... symetrik wins in the creativity department if only the momentum didn't cease completely in certain bars you would have won this battle

[Cereal]

symetrik:
wow what a dope intro to a story very captive, the character development is off the chain.. the story progression itself was on fire.. i loved that it does appear to be homely like you said.. cool cool we just had a wild storm, it was a white xmas hail while in australia we dont really loved the quote.. your rhyming and vocab is strong.. i loved the loonies line to.. im loven the badge thing to dope.. this was soo good a 10/10 i hope you win i still gotta read the other verse g/l

Pharaohs Army:
dope love the disclaimer..
Unabashed theft: food, medical supplies, batteries & such
loved the imagery on this very descriptive and the and such was dope use of language..

i would say you are much more grown up language and literacy wise then sym but both are pretty decent.. im enjoying it..
i been seeing these looted super stores around but they seem to be keeping their shit together.. so they did came up alright in australia but it def did happen.. wow the actual factual pieces you placed in the last stanza was fire.. dope ending.. i love how you just explained that the looted super stores are natural if not in ukraine/russia and the end reveal was dope..

vote = Pharaohs Army

this was soo close it came down to substance and rhyme structure and it was blow for blow.. but personal preferance i like the substance style better

[Master Rock]

I going to have to give this to Pharaoh. The cadence, vibe and bounce was throughout. It was more engaging in a sense of a vibe whereas sym had a tremendous amount of detail it felt a bit bland and pacing was slower. Both wrote very well, but it terms of poetic engagement and energy I felt PA's verse more.

[Diablo]

Voting

[Universe]

So this was like reading somebody's long-winded outline for a creative story which was ultimately printed as a first draft and then immediately reading the Wikipedia entry that it was based on... and then being asked which is better. Neither of them were particularly interesting or "good", and honestly seemed like it was a battle betwen a guy who was consumed by his own ambitions and somebody attempting to be a writer without actually, you know.... being one. This is, unfortunately, amateur hour at its finest ladies and gents... but that hour had some minutes sprinkled in there that gave me hope for the future.

symetrik:

Your creative vision for this piece is a noble one. I think you're skilled in this regard, much more than your opponent. You told a STORY here, and I appreciate how you laid it out and attempted to let us settle into the experience immediately by offering us a small little intro and glimpse into how this will all play out. The problem was, ultimately, the narrative never felt like it left the introduction stage.

Lines were long and technically jagged in a multi/rhyme scheme sense, the timing felt off; Yet strangly, they seemed natural and organic... to a detriment - Almost like a keystyle that you just did to get the material down but then didn't do any editing on. You probably went back, moved/altered a word or two, read it and thought, 'good enough'. IT SHOULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. You KNOW it could’ve been better. And you posted early, which makes it worse. Hold onto it as long as you can... I'm done within 2 days too but I always keep at it and it always gets so much better with time. Every time.

Like for example there would be a cool bar but it was sandwiched between two bars struggling to be as persuasive, almost as if you're telling YOURSELF the story AS you were telling it to us. You needed more planning and forethought, then you would be able to lead us down the path in interesting ways... There were hints of this here and there, but you never quite pulled it off. Where it stands, you sort of went, "Hey, see those arrows on the path up ahead? Yeah, follow them." Then walked away. And us as the tourists just looked at each other like, Worst. Guide. Ever. Which is a shame because the path is actually interesting but could be so much more with a good storyteller telling us the history in an efficient and timely manner. This comes naturally with rewriting and editing. Remember: Just because you created the path doesn't mean you should rest on your laurels and act like your job is done. Creation is the first step... Editing IS the writing.

Basically I think you're intentions are good but your execution is weak. Technically you have some flashy moments and presentation but you can never seem to maintain it. Your IDEAS are intriguing - I like the switching between locations and then back again - but are just too basic in execution that it lacks the punch that it clearly demands of itself. That YOU demand of IT. I feel like there's a diamond in you waiting to be uncovered... I feel it. You know it. You're almost there...

But for now, all I can say is... you can do better. You ARE better than this. And I expect a huge improvement next week because I can tell you're passionate and motivated.

Pharoahs Army:

Flow was much better here than sym's. But you're an audio guy so that's to be expected. I appreciated the brackets as optional content too because the verse could be read both ways and when I saw one I read the line twice. I think you should've exploited this method more actually and even made it a theme for the piece... But that would be a level of creativity that you just don't possess, my friend. I thought this was stale and stagnant; a Wikipedia entry to a bombing with little to no heart and told like a robot who knows about syllable counts. There was no story here... It was a research project that you tried to dress up with Bold lettering and Italics; Even repeating your final line multiple times like it meant something. It didn't. Lars pulled this off beautifully in his piece and gave it impact... You just seemed like you copied that strategy but without any real thought as to WHY it works and HOW to execute it.

I honestly felt like you Google'd some article and copied and pasted down the cool sounding lines and looked to see where the connections were in terms of rhyming, then spun it together with loose wording to make yourself sound smart. I'm not buying it, buddy. This reeked of laziness and you've gotten away with it here with these other idiots voting but guess what? Shit gets real when Uni steps in the room. So here it goes: I think you're all talk with nothing to back it up, someone who states his case somewhat intelligently but is immediately swayed by anyone else that has a difference of opinion. I think you write like this too... I think you're scared to be you and I think you want to be perceived by people in a certain way but can't ever seem to execute your intentions, because you're in way over your head yet can't admit it to yourself. You're not smart enough to know you're not smart enough. It's harsh but it's true. And you need to hear it.

It's only when we shed the skin we are clinging to are we free to rebuild ourselves how we see fit. Tell us about YOU next time, using your topic as a proxy. Let us in. You will do well. You've DONE well doing this before. Stop with the excuses. No one cares. If you're here, WRITE... Otherwise just go away. We don't need your percentages on if you'll show up or not. Nobody gives a fuck about you.

I'm 100% sure of that.

In the end, symetrik is a better writer than you, he just needs refinement. You're more practised in your approach but you're not authentic (yet). I won't vote for your fabrication of creativity.

I'll vote for the only creator in the room.

Vote: symetrik

* PA please learn from this. Don't just try to defend yourself in the chat after you read this. Ignore that Instinct. Trust me... it's for the best.

[Diablo]

I always like to give my initial thoughts on the topic to give some insight into perhaps how I had determined how the topic might be approached, and maybe that then will help give people a better idea as to how I arrived at my final thoughts on how the battle was decided. So what is it that this topic has for me personally; a mall of some sort. Instantly, being a horror movie fan, it leads me to think of a zombie outbreak or similar occurring. This could easily open the door up to something like a dystopian future, a far flung world-building tale giving us the backstory, some sort of global plague inducing famine, it could even be based firmly in the present couple of years with COVID and whatnot. There are several possibilities with this one really, but those are my initial thoughts. Let’s see what you guys did with this…

[Diablo]

Sym- I felt you opened this up strongly, getting straight into the action from the jump. We had a character, we had a familiar setting, the lines were kept short and punctuated that made for a good flow, I also enjoyed the hanging rhyme switch-up in your fourth line before you returned back to the initial rhyme in your first couplet, you mixed it up well here. There was a flair to it. You laid your stall out well from the get-go and you know what, I’m right there with you here, the imagery of the discarded bagel and cold juice on the counter may only be snippets of a faster moving collage but they’re all helping to bring this together. I enjoyed the playing with words between locked out/locked up - it was done subtly but is noticeable. ‘Bobbleheads that wobble when’ was a nice internal rhyme also that I’m not overlooking here, giving you some added technical merit while also coming off perfectly natural and adding an implied rhythmic cadence I also enjoyed. This is Symetrik at the most polished we’ve seen him.

While her residence is homely - her car is more surrealist.
Her home is for her “friends”, for whom her trauma, she conceals it.

The first line here reads well, the description of the car being ‘surrealist’ worked for me and added some intrigue about it, due to the word choice used, though I wasn’t such a fan of the second line here in this couplet, if I’m honest, and that’s largely due to the end choice of words which felt a little unnatural to me. I don’t actually find it’s the rhyme, as such, that makes me feel like that so much as the pause before it’s delivered. I think the concept was fine, but the execution maybe wasn’t at the level seen in the lines proceeding this one. It’s not bad though, by any means, it’s more that you set the bar so high for yourself at the beginning.

The final third was where the story needed a huge payoff for the buildup here, I felt you had laid solid foundations early on and I don’t know if the line limit means you were then running short of lines to really drive it home or what but that’s then how I was left feeling in regard to the conclusion. The outside link was one I did actually click on as I was intrigued and I think it worked within the framework you set out, you had a clear defined narrative here you wanted to expand on and you used that to world-build within its parameters. I think you were largely successful in that regard. The quality of the writing didn’t falter, even towards the end, it felt more so that either time was against you or, as I alluded to earlier, perhaps what was more likely here is the line limit was too restrictive for a piece like this which was bigger in scope. It felt like it may have been more suited to an Open Mic drop you could flesh out even more and expand upon to really drive that final third home. Overall, good work, strong showing. Not what I would have expected to draw from the topic. Thumbs up on the creativity to really go outside the box with this one.

[Diablo]

PA: Your piece was definitely an angle I could relate to, the direction taken was along the lines of what I first had in mind when I saw the topic too, I think I mentioned famine off-hand but definitely along the lines of war. The two are almost the cause and effect leading to the same result, in my head at least, but I definitely felt you took the more direct approach here grounded firmly in what was presented to the reader. I enjoyed ‘Russian troops/muddy boots” a lot as an internal rhyme and thought that was well done. There was another a little later around “De-nazification/Sovient nation” I enjoyed also, the deciding factor here though for me is more of one as old as time rather than simply you vs Sym - this was an almost atypical scenario of the old Storytelling vs Topical piece. It would occur frequently in the infancy of topical leagues, before storytelling became the more dominant force in these weekly writing leagues, and there are occasions where the topical has triumphed over the story for sure - but it’s seldom seen. There may be good reason for that. The storytelling aspect often leads to some sort of twist at a midway or end point, to throw the reader off guard of hit them with some previously foreshadowed conclusion that on a second (or more) read reveals more layers for the reader to peel back and enjoy. I, myself, have actually wrote about this same topic in recent months so there’s not a lot more in that sense that I felt was new information to me personally, but I think not opting for a story piece here when up against a good one from Sym perhaps lead to a clash - not in terms of style, or in execution as you were actually both very similar in a sense to me, but in terms of how you both went about executing your angles to this one. The two are very different in that regard, and some will call it personal preference for sure, but storytelling is very much my thing as you’ll no doubt be aware and it’s difficult to overlook that here, with how Sym did so well, but coupled with how evenly matched you both were in a technical stance there has to be a deciding factor and to me the biggest difference was the way both chose to execute their verses. One telling a story, the other more of a narrative topical on a current world event. Sym had more to enjoy in terms of the world he created within a wider framework here.

[Adverse]

Okay I’m not a huge fan of either verse but I appreciate both of you guys as writers.

Sym- I think there was some real nice imagery stuff here, really liked the way you described the storm and what not. Liked how you gave us an up close perspective of everything and the flow was okay if not iffy. I really didn’t like the ending though, feel like it could have been made more impactful with better wording and maybe fleshed out a tad bit more. It just seemed abrupt and there was never really any a-ha! Type moment, it ended without any theatrics Which was sort of a bummer. Overall, decent Verse but I’ve seen better from you

PA - I feel like I’ve got a similar critique for you every time I read something and it’s mostly just missing detail, I feel like you painted your scenes well, and I know this was a tough topic, but I just feel like you’re retreading the same old stories we heard again and again in the news, maybe if you changed the perspective, gave us a story about the war with the supermarket as the center base of conflict then it would have been more interesting but I got pretty bored with it honestly, and Putin’s war/super store was a cool enough connection but just think there could have been more here.

Tough topic. Neither was super impressive but I’m leaning towards symmetrik who had a little bit better content then PA

V/Sym

[Frank]

@Scar @Quill @NYCSPITZ @Eviction @MMLP @dead man @timeless @Dominate @Dope girl @Civil Rawr xD @Inno @Pent uP @Ender @MaCe @Mike Wrecka @Mr. J @Blue Bayou

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@Pharaohs Army @symetrik
Currently 3-3. First to 5 votes wins: GL!

[Frank]

@Pharaohs Army @symetrik
WINS!