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06-23-2014, 09:57 AM
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#1 |
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Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
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Planet Music
Ever since I was cocooned in the womb, I was consumed with music
The beautiful tunes that filled my ears were strummed to loom amusement They move my mood to a vast planet where the crystal moon glistens As stars form into symphonic notes, I take a soothed listen I feel relaxed, touching the ever-green grass that sparkles subtly The leaves dance with the wind, as I glance beneath the lovely trees I begin running free - frolic in motion, near the sea of dawn and devotion White sand breaks crashing waves - creating an everlasting bond with the ocean I'm causing commotion - as blue whales awake from their slumber to swim Dolphins rise, and Seals Dive - as salty wind runs under my skin I come to a cliff - overlooking the mighty waters with inspiration Raising my fists - I queue the Ocean's Orchestration of Innovation Taking control of strings, keys and chords - I summon all animals of the sea Now every single species that swims embarks to come in peace Mammal and Fish swim side by side - with not one painful scrimmage They're all elated to be alive - and the food chain diminished For they live off the notes of instruments - and how they influence As the sun rises behind the sea, we realize - this is the power of music Last edited by Dragon; 08-15-2018 at 02:32 AM. |
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06-24-2014, 05:11 PM
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#2 |
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Member
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This is a short piece, no feed? I'll definitely return the feedback.
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06-24-2014, 05:23 PM
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#3 |
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living
Join Date: Jan 2013
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this was cool for a quick comparison piece. running metaphor, check. transitive imagery, check. i wasn't crazy about the rhythm or the rhyme in spots because you didn't have the right language to support the stretches between your key concepts.
salty wind was interesting.. kind of awkward. some of your adjective language feels out of place. like over description at the expense of other things. music and nature and beauty and love. yes, it is all great thanks man and welcome i guess? 1
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Zack Wicks for president |
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06-24-2014, 07:31 PM
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#4 |
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Arm the Homeless
Join Date: Jan 2013
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I think you and music need to get a room.
Lol but this was cool for a first drop I suppose. I didn't understand "loom amusement" though. Some lines were a little too stretched for my taste, too. Kinda messed up the flow. I agree with black about the language being out of place in parts as well. Like "moon glistens", and in order for it to rhyme you make it "soothed listen", which isn't really correct English. I do the same thing from time to time, but that's just because I'm lazy nawmsayin? Keep dropping, Bruce. |
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06-25-2014, 04:06 PM
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#5 |
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Member
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Thanks, will return feed now
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07-08-2022, 02:09 PM
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SYRACUSE
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Die’a’bdz - stay leaving your IQ at the end of your posts
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UNIFIED THEORY |
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07-14-2022, 07:21 PM
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rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
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Quote:
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07-16-2022, 07:57 AM
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#8 |
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Lime Life
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Zen was so fucking good.
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He listens to voices inside of his mind
Explicit and poisonous violent crime.  |
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Linear Mode
