Omicron Magazine: Round 1

[Answer]

Introduction/Rules:

Merry belated Christmas and happy holidays to all the NCG's. It's damn near 2022, we're still dealing with this COVID bullshit, and the last bastion of text battling has been reduced to forced wordplay in the cipher channel on discord and 1-2 punch leagues hosted by dagel, dia, and zelph, the trifecta of incelism among the tattered ashes of RB. This is like when Terry Schiavo went into a coma and now we just kept flying her corpse around from hospital to hospital so we can violate her lifeless body.

But fuck it, let's get one more quickie in. There have been talks of a 2 v 2 tournament since I first registered, and for years I've had dreams of joining a tag tournament with Sinacog as my partner and legitimately trying my hardest with fire bar after fire bar and carrying him through as many rounds as I can while he raps about dragons in the background like when William Regal won the WWE tag team championship belts with Eugene. But then sinacog turned down the chance to be my partner. By the time he fully came around, I was already moved on to a new lover. Sorry, Andrew James Flores. If you liked it, you should've put a ring on it.

I originally thought about just doing a tag-team 1-2 punch league, but that's lame. So instead of 2 lines per person, I extended it to 4 lines per person and 8 lines per team. As I've said in the past, the goal of this tournament is to keep it casual and not make it a chore for the writers or the voters. I frankly don't give a shit if you all come out trying your hardest or if you want to pull an Aero and write the script of a hallmark romantic comedy in lieu of a verse. Just fucking drop something.

I also really don't give a fuck if your partner shows or not. I'm gonna send out reminders to people to show up for their battles, but it's not my responsibility to make sure your partner shows up. I want to see 8 lines from each team. If one partner writes 8 lines and the other writes 0, that's fine with me. Obviously I'd prefer if everyone just wrote 4 lines for themselves. That's the fun in a tag team match. But I'm also realistic about the fact that there is a high probability of noshows in 2022 and I want this to get done as smoothly and as drama-free as I can, if such a thing is even possible. So if you want to ghostwrite for your partner, I really don't give a shit.

As a moderator, I'm going to try to be as hands-off as possible. If for some reason yall want to do more than 8 lines and everyone agrees to it and actually delivers, go for it. The only time I'll disqualify someone or ask them to modify their verses is if I feel that someone does something that gives them a significant competitive advantage over their opponents. That, or the obvious biting, voting for yourself, etc. etc. that won't be tolerated.

We've got 12 teams signed up. The only way I'm pushing it to 16 teams is if we can get 8 more people all to come to agreement on who they want to partner with and sign up by Monday. In a world where half these fuckwits won't take the initiative to find themselves a partner and multiple teams have already failed miserably at coming up with some kind of haphazard team name for themselves, I can pretty much guarantee that's not going to happen. I could offer bye rounds to a few teams, but we've seen in past tournaments that bye rounds is pretty much a guaranteed way to kill the event before it even starts. That means the finals will be a triple-threat match.

Again, just have fun with this. We're nearly all middle aged men with credit scores and shit now. This is your moment to transport back in time to when your body was going through confusing changes, the raging hard-ons were bountiful, we had oversized white t-shirts and frosted tips, and when calling each other faggots and cunts was just our way of saying I love you, and nobody had a problem with it.

Tag Team Power Rankings:

These power rankings were used to determine the seeding for the bracket, and are based on my subjective opinion. Don't bitch about them, they don't mean anything and the best team is always going to come out the other side victorious, so if you're unhappy with your ranking it's up to you to prove me wrong. They will be updated again next round

12. Defiant & Spoken

I'll be honest, I don't really know much about either of these competitors. I know that @Spoken is primarily considered to be a topical head and @Defiant has a long history of noshowing battles. I also know these two fuckers didn't pick out a team name for themselves, so I'm really doubting their commitment to sparkle motion.

Originally Posted by Spoken

Knuckle gone need a copy of this homi, im dumpin' em rounds
And leavin' him covered in dirt.... that's a corpse on the ground!

Originally Posted by Defiant

shits pathetic, to any spouse u lose ya complete appeal
when guerrero n ya girl got something in common, the way they lie cheat and steal

11. TransAction (Zelph & Dia)

We've got @Zaddy who turned down the opportunity to partner up with me, arguably the greatest text battler the world has ever known, to join forces with he-who-must-not-be-named and I gotta say, I respect it. I've got to say, Zelph has come up with some of the most cringeworthy wordplays I've ever seen and @Eviction has been text battling for like 20 years, and I always hold out hope that this is going to be the first year where he finally "gets it". If these two actually show up and put in a sincere effort, I wouldn't be surprised to see them pull off an upset or two out of the blue, but if I'm being honest, I have a hard time seeing them maintaining that momentum past round 2.

Originally Posted by Zelph

Last SC u couldn’t handle them killas. We saw u get mauled n we were baffled
Rushin’ to ur death didn’t take much to put ur lil flame out.. thats Dothraki in a battle

Originally Posted by He whose name shall not be spoken vs Blue Bayou

Blue light, the way I’m cooking him, it’s like I see him as fresh meat.
Cuz after I spend the night w/ his girl he’ll have to use one of those on the bed sheet.

10. SMACK (Sharp & MAC)

I think any team with @Sharp on it can compete with the best of them, but I'm not too familiar with @Mac's body of work. In the battles I have seen, I feel like Mac can be inconsistent at times and hasn't quite established himself in terms of accomplishments, but in his writing he can be a genuine threat himself. I think chemistry is an underrated factor in tag-team battles and if these two can prove they have the ability to work together and bring out the best in each other, I can see them finding themselves in the finals. Not entirely sure if I can see them winning it, but you never know.

Originally Posted by Sharp vs Barc

I’ll go nuclear in a battle. Every punch is getting felt now
When you go nuclear in battles it’s too much energy and violent meltdowns

Originally Posted by Mac

ahhhhh thank you teacher.. fuck you lemme continue my mocking
imma introduce u to a 2nd language that'll leave u chattering like stephen hawking

9. Ryno & Spree

I've always considered @Ryno and @Bomb Bard both to be mid-carders who are incredibly consistent in the sense that I never see a bad battle or performance from either, but I also feel like it's rare to see either come up with a marquee upset win when it matters most. I think when there are long battles with 20+ lines against any of the more accomplished text heads like Zuch, Blue, etc., it can be nearly impossible for anyone to beat them. But when it comes to these shorter battles that are only 8 lines long, and 4 lines per person, it's really a crapshoot. I wouldn't be too surprised if Ryno & Spree found themselves in the championship circle if all the right pieces fall into place.

Originally Posted by Ryno

Tussle w/ Ry? Nah kid, catch a palm to the head
This Smack Exchange’ll make u book like u spotted the feds

Originally Posted by Spree

& your gf? That whale squirm while the man plow her
I put white sauce on her clam, while you in the kitchen adding ranch to your chowder

8. Cum boyz (Answer & bare ryu)

Originally I was hoping to team up with Sinacog, but Sinacog turned me down. Then I asked to partner with Zelph, then Zelph turned me down. I don't really want to get tied up in any drama about myself competing in a tournament that I'm running, and really just wanted to do this and make it happen for funzies. That being said, since Zelph and Sinacog both opted out, I turned @bare ryu who is another text head that some people may already be familiar with from RR. He's a total beast when it comes to the RR long-bar style. But he hasn't battled in a few years to my knowledge, and we've never actually seen how his style will translate over to NC. I'd honestly probably rank our team higher than #8, but I don't want to come off as biased, but people should probably be put on notice that we're here to compete for real.

Originally Posted by Answer

no homophobia in 2021, cancel culture got u eating ur words
everyone been dropping dababy lately, props to ur mom for being the first

Originally Posted by bare ryu

He shoul've polished his craft, before this kid oughta try me; Cuz every angle "foam posits is trash..." like he's tryna "Piss off a hypebeast!!"
The only time you'll hear "Sea-sonned Vets..." is if he lists off who i've beat! Thank god TGO ain't put a double handicap...
-- I'd have Ness seein "5-0" quicker than blacks that LIVE ON A WHITE STREET!!

7. Bars (Diablo & Barcotic)

For moderators and administrators, this is the team that nightmares are made of. I'm not sure if any competitors in the history of text battling have caused as much drama over voting and logistics as these two have, and I've already sent myself a dozen emails from Qualm & Culture to make sure that my inbox is completely full in anticipation for round 1. But in all seriousness, I consider @Barcotic a top-tier writer who is fully capable of beating anyone when he's on his A-game. @Diablo is primarily known for topicals, and while battling is not his forte, he's an immaculate writer with more than enough experience to write well consistently. Notably, I sided with him against blue bayou in a 100 bar spat, so that's a testament to the fact that this team overall is a serious contender.

Originally Posted by Diablo vs Bobby D

ur verse bad as ur hairstyle. u bet I’m annoyed
we both had to comb thru ‘em intensely just to get to the point

Originally Posted by Barc vs sharp

We both like to write, except I'm really dope at the hobby
We both use protractors at work, except mine will dispose of his body

6. Cracker Barrel Rape Dragons (Bags/Uh Oh)

In retrospect I ranked these two way too high and they should definitely be below Barc/Diablo. However, I've already made the graphic for the bracket and these two teams were going to face off against each other anyway, so I'm not changing it. I don't think I've ever seen @uh-oh battle seriously, and the only bars he's dropped in ciphers are pretty much just multis. However, @Ghost1 is a beast and definitely capable of carrying the team to the finals at minimum. Whether he'll actually put in the effort to do that, I doubt it. They'll probably just troll their ways into the losers column round 1, but it should be entertaining to watch either way.

Originally Posted by Ghost1

ur a literal retard. so imma have choppas get to shreddin u dude
burnas smokin crazy...sig after sig after sig...like ya moms when she was pregnant w u

Originally Posted by Uh-oh

MY NATURAL FORCE OF WILL COULD GRAPPLE A PORSCHE
THROWING CRABAPPLES AT WHORES LIKE I WAS BO JACKSON IN SHORTS

5. Resin & Saint

@Resin M-I-C is a highly-respected member of the text community for a reason, and he's a contender in any bracket. The real x-factor in this team is inf, who occasionally writes some of the best punchlines I've ever seen and will pull off a remarkable performance from time to time, but then there other times where he misses completely and absolutely nobody has any idea of what he's talking about. He also champed a tag tourney a while back with Cashius, so he has proven he can run with the best of them. In the context of this tournament, it's only 2 punches for each competitor in each round, so I wouldn't be surprised at all if Resin & Saint tore through the competition. They're both absolutely capable of it. But if inf isn't on his A-game, they're gonna have a tough time getting through the later rounds of the tournament.

Originally Posted by Resin M-I-C

Jaime wants a reallll man. No denying this cuck will see me try it..
I unzipped, she described my meat as Impossible & choked on a vegan diet.

Originally Posted by Saint

Mad laaame. don't even know what yo bitch do half the damn day..
She smokin in my section - soo I tap it on the side, butt on the glass like ashtrays

4. Blue chews for Jaden (Destro & frac)

@Fracture is nice with it, and has a long history of champing events. If he can get over his love woes long enough to concentrate on his match-ups, these two will be tough to beat and this will just be another notch under his belt. @Destroyer rarely ever drops the ball, and has flashes of brilliance when he puts in the effort. As a team, it's hard to see these two not making it their way into the finals somehow, but it really all comes down to how badly they want it and whether others are really performing up to par.

Originally Posted by Destroyer vs Mac

but des is coming for u. i settle the score and make hits
soon as i find mac address i will be leaving him in 48 bits

Originally Posted by Frac

Disrespectful little cunt. Him being pretentious is odd
When he's 80s Hulkster.. Starts ripping off material and then expects an applause

3. -FatGingerZ- (Username & Seth)

Both @UserName and @~RustyGunZ~ are accomplished veterans who consistently write at a high level. User is highly accomplished from UPN and has shown the ability to compete and champ against the best of them, but hasn't quite cemented that huge event win since coming to NC. Seth has already established his legacy on NC, but this may very well be a chance for him to solidify it even further. This might be the cinderella story that these two curvaceous, thicc thunder-thigh gingers have been waiting for their entire lives.

Originally Posted by User

CALL THE MISSES, I’M SCRUBBING ALL YOU BITCHES
PUFF YA CHEST AND THIS METAL BRUSH YA PLATE LIKE IM WASHING DISHES

Originally Posted by Seth vs barc

every week its a new sway! get some new ways, find some even ground
cus u've had so many bad fits in the league I'd swear you managed the cleveland browns

2. Advanced placement (Dominate & Aero)

I'll be honest, I haven't heard a thing from @Aero. And @Dominate has been AWOL for quite some time now. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe this team is the only team that has actually champed an NC tournament together in the past, so they have to be competitors, right? I mean granted, the finals were a noshow so they essentially won without battling, but still... Dominate is a beast, and he's perfectly capable of carrying the team by himself if he's not rusty. Aero is always a wildcard, but when he's trying for real, he's as good of a competitor as anyone. When these 2 are both on their A-game, they're essentially unbeatable. They're also a high no-show risk for this tourney, but I'm really hoping my fellow HF alumni come through and make me proud.

Originally Posted by Dominate

I’ll have ya soul leave ya body when I pull up n blast ya kid
The mac or fifth. When it popularise a ghost.. It wont be like Casper did

Originally Posted by Aero

Grabbed my ruger just to whip him, dont need a homi victim
I'm fighting over the screen with the long nose I'm '96 Scottie Pippen

1. Stamps (Zuch & Blue Bayou)

Originally Posted by Zuch

Your girl large too, sex is tough with where her stomach is
Body structured like a home loan, takes 30 years to get out from under it

Originally Posted by Blue Bayou

Semi send ya G set backwords
casket’s a deep red plaster & we'll see the autofill the box like a preset password

I don't think it should come as a surprise that these two are ranked #1. @Blue Bayou has champed almost everything under the sun (except the NC) and since @UPN Zuch arrived at NC, he's been virtually unbeatable by everyone except the very person he's teamed up with. I feel like I've seen these two in the finals against each other at least 3 times out of the last few years, so make no mistake about it, this team is stacked. If I was a gambling man, I'd put my money on these two to win because probability states that they're almost certainly will.


Now with all of that out of the way...

Tournament Bracket:




Throwback Battle:

Cashtration vs Blue Waffle vs Body Bombs

Winner: Cashius/Infiltrate

Originally Posted by Cashtration

Cash/Inf are Godlike when we pull...One light touch'll show were top elite
We got that Goku Ultra Instinct w/ the Hair Trigger...N make Blue become obsolete
Bayou’s GOTTA be old as fuck...I’ll cock my shit back and then caps get hurled
Watch me just start Clicking at this Dinosaur Blue like Chris Pratt in Jurassic World
Muff’s pig shnoz makes me fucking sick...That shit’s shaped oddly and stupid
I wanna put the Snubnose to your face SOOOO BAD...but it looks like God beat me to it
You tryin’ to get dome with a face like THAT?!...You ain’t spending your time well...
Can’t even get a hooker...Only bitch to EVER sell Muffin Top is Elaine Benes in Seinfeld
This the only 3 way Blue Waffle will ever see...Chicks say their sex game is factually lite
So, how the fuck you gonna kill Body when NEITHER of you have Stretched Out Snatch in your life
BS and EnBombz are fucking NERDS...You say ya’ll get poon then you’re losing it, dudes...
We learned from terrorists that BodyBombs = Virgins...and these losers just prove that it’s true
Both yah'll 'bout hot tubs w/ bubble scents...Know you faggots are lovers
It's no surprise 'Body Wash you in the Bath Bomb' & yall use 'em to lather eachother
Snatch is a NOBODY...Him deserving the finals gets no vocal support
This Infinity War...Try gettin 'Starpower thru this Body' & end up lookin like Thor in the Forge
BS has guns? Dope...I'll talk em down on the floor cuz ya worthless
Ask urself is it worth it - Missy Elliot, I'll make ya 'put that thing down, flip it & reverse it'
Bombz whipped by a fat bitch...Even Christ'd say she's of biblical proportions
You Ben-Hur man, but to pop her Cherry-its a drag when you play the role of the horses

Round 1 Predictions

1. Stamps vs 12. Defiant/Spoken

I've got to be honest with you, I really have a hard time seeing Blue Bayou/Zuch lose to anyone in this tournament. So the chances of them losing in the first round seems like it's almost nil. I think there's also a decent probability of Defiant noshowing, which probably won't help matters if Spoken feels like he needs to carry the load for the team. My advice to Defiant & Spoken would be to use each other for feedback. Write 40 lines or 50 lines each. Then keep only the best 8 lines. If you can do that, you might be able to pull off a major upset, but if Zuch & Blue put in the effort, they're gonna be nearly impossible to beat.

Prediction: Stamps 90/10

2. Advanced Placement vs 11. TransAction

A big key to the outcome of this battle is really whether or not Dominate/Aero show. If either one of them shows and drops the required 8 lines, I have to say I'm strongly in favor of Dominate/Aero. That being said, He whose name shall not be spoken and Zelph are both veterans to this, and there may be a tiny iota of a chance for an upset if Dom is rusty and Aero is insincere. I think the most likely route to a victory for TransAction is a noshow, but otherwise, I think there's a 90/10 chance Advanced Placement gets it.

Prediction: Advanced Placement 60/40

3. -FatGingerZ- vs 10. SMACK

I think sharp/mac might be capable of pulling off the upset here, but I don't think it's likely. Seth and User generally write at a high level fairly consistently, and it'll be up to both Sharp and Mac to step their writing up a tad and not make any small mistakes. If they can do that, I think they'll pull off the upset. Otherwise, I've got Seth and User taking this one with some comfort.

Prediction: -FatGingerZ- 70/30

4. Blue Chews for Jaden vs 9. Ryno/Spree

Ryno and Spree are tough competitors, but so are Frac/Des and it's just a matter of whether they can pull out a few flashes of brilliance that will steal the show. Frac is fully capable of pulling out several haymakers in the same verse, and Des rarely ever writes anything that misses. I think ultimately this battle will just come down to who wants it more, but history has shown that Des and Frac are more likely to take their game to the next level when it matters most.

Prediction: Blue Chews for Jaden 60/40


5. Resin & Saint vs 8. cum boyz

Not to be biased, but if everyone shows up to this one I think it will be the closest battle of the round. I think everyone in this match is perfectly able to compete at a top-tier level, but there are a lot of question marks that need to be answered. Will we get inf on his A-game or the inf who writes overly complex and confusing bars? Will resin even show, and if he does is he rusty? Will bare ryu's style translate over to NC? All of these things need to be answered before I can really make a solid prediction into what the outcome will look like here.

Prediction: Anyone's game 50/50

6. Cracker Barrel rape dragons vs 7. bars

There's plenty reason to believe that bags won't really take this seriously, and even if he does, I haven't really seen what a serious battle verse from uh-oh might look like. On the other end of the spectrum, few people take competition more seriously than barc & diablo so frankly I've got to say I think they're the favorites to win this one.

Prediction: bars 60/40





I'm not trying to overlap with anyone's new years plans, so battles will officially go up sometime Tuesday during the day. They will be due January 4th by 12 p.m. EST. Note the time zone is Eastern. You all know who you're battling and it's only 8 lines per round, so feel free to get started writing now. Send via PM if you finish early

[Dominate]

Nice. Great work Answer. Keeping text alive.

[Sharp]

Props for the dope read and putting in the effort. We're lucky to have you.

[UPN Zuch]

Fire read.

[Aero]

Dope mag. Appreciate the effort and your takes were spot on. Bags and Uhoh lmaoapapaoalalakavabsjdndbff

[Bomb Bard]

Solid mag thanks

[Ghost1]

aero AND dominate first to respond. what year is this? I dont even know how to read anymore let alone write. this is gonna be a wreck. putting my faith in uhoh. heard it as soon as I typed it. thanks for the effort answer.

[Ghost1]

Originally Posted by Aero

Dope mag. Appreciate the effort and your takes were spot on. Bags and Uhoh lmaoapapaoalalakavabsjdndbff

ur on notice.

[Zaddy]

Thank you for mag

[sral]

absolute fire

kudos

[Eviction]

I must be loosing my mind because I don't remember that bar I dropped haha.

[Eviction]

also don't include me in that shit show on RB LOL.

[Spoken]

Dope

[Mac]

thanks for putting in the time to host this. nice mag

[Eviction]

I don't agree with the don't bitch about votes rule.

[UserName]

Well done, man

[Cashius]

Yikes. Some crazy teams. Love to see Bags and Dom back battling.

[Barcotic]

I mean

Dom yeah

[Kill Spree]

Fuck bags

[Answer]

Originally Posted by Cashius

Yikes. Some crazy teams. Love to see Bags and Dom back battling.

grab a dance partner and hop in. If we get 1 more team we have an even 16