must be the rust

[Pharaohs Army]

,

[Pharaohs Army]

@Gina @Zen @something

a quick one. heh, is authentic though.

[Zen]

I think it was you that said before that you are trying to set up your verses how you want them to be read, which basically equates to punctuating and hitting enter at the right time. For the most part I could read it how (I think) you intended it to be read, but I think it could be clearer. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

I was never caged. But in a strange way I'm free.
Hey love, I used to be an emcee. They read the first line here n made funna me
^This is how you originally posted it.

And how I think it should be formatted:

I was never caged, but in a strange way I'm free.

Hey, love,
I used to be an emcee.
They read the first line here n made funna me
^This to me feels like a much smoother read.

Another thing is that your verses are a bit wordy. Cut the fat out. “pleasure chemicals” is completely unnecessary and is the most obvious thing I would cut out. Small words here or there could be cut out, too. Anything that doesn’t add to a sentence in any way, and is completely unnecessary, cut it.

The way I usually write these days is to type up a paragraph of whatever it is that I’m thinking at the time, and then I go back and make it rhyme (like this sentence). It’s weird, but if you’re looking to write more “prosey” type of shit, then maybe try that? It’s a weird process, but I enjoy it.

I’m just here being a critic, brah. The best advice I’ve found is criticism so don’t think I’m in here being an asshole. I’m just giving my two cents on where (I think) it could be improved, but ultimately the call is yours. Peace, man.

[Pharaohs Army]

Originally Posted by Zen

I’m just here being a critic, brah. The best advice I’ve found is criticism so don’t think I’m in here being an asshole. I’m just giving my two cents on where (I think) it could be improved, but ultimately the call is yours. Peace, man.

Na I'm not that thin-skinned. I very much appreciate the comment, Especially since you put an example.

And I gotta agree the way you suggested structuring the part you quoted is a smoother way of going about it. "Calm myself down and be measured", when it's written that way, so to speak.
A lot of it has to do with whether or not I want to use "hey" as an emphasized rhyme with the other LongA's... when i wrote it, I did not really make it so.. but i like how "yours", does.

see basically i was moreso emphasizing "free" "emcee" and "funna", believe it or not. (with caged&strange, and the A's kind of being a "quieter internal bonus")..

whereas when I read yours, both "hey" and "love" become more involved in the emphasis. I like the suggestion.

I "make mine work personally", but it's all about display, and that's why I appreciate the feed.

What you said about the way you've been approaching writing lately seems very unorthodox, but intriguing. I shall have to try it some time.
In some ways it's a 180 from my process but I like trying new thingz.

I suppose I should say (more explicitly for those who don't know), that my "dishrag" line, (I think) was inspired by something you wrote in the past. I can't give you the exact wording. I think it was you who wrote it; will elaborate later if you want.

And I'd be lying if I said the flippant "Tinder" line wasn't inspired by @something, and the "moonlit nights" line inspired by @Gina.. which is one of the reasons why I tagged you 3.

It's respect. lol Anyone who thinks I make "biting" my "process" doesn't understand what I'm trying to do.

About the "pleasure chemicals"...
I was wondering how that would be received by others, because even for me it was pushing the envelope.. can't help myself sometimes...
it's not a rhyme, but kinda like a syllable trick with "neurological".
kinda like mash'em together.. pleasurechemicals.
(i know-i know, this is text. lol)
in that respect i suppose the preceding comma "could go", which goes back to our discussion of how we want things displayed.

believe it or not, compared to some of my other things there is "less fat" in here. (Guess that's not saying much). But if i can cut more, I will explore, and try to do that.

Thanks