WEEK SEVEN CHAMP MATCH: DOMINATE (6-0) vs MASTER ROCK (4-2) DOM WINS 5-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SEVEN

@Dominate @Master Rock


Verse Due: MONDAY MAY 16TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:




GOOD LUCK

[Master Rock]

Oh no!

[Dominate]

G/L man

[Dominate]

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*****
I went in for a simple Botox, just a teensy injection.
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that I had several other areas extremely in need of correction.
I would have been clueless! Thank goodness I heeded directions.
Now five surgeries later, I’m close to achieving perfection!

- Amanda, 34, Sales Rep

*****
Omg, Dr Dan is like, sooooo handsum and dreamy
Im 4eva greatfull that he even manage to see me
He help me to set up the payment plan, it was easy
My bf loves my new boobs, he always got hands on them! Hehe

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[Master Rock]

she couldn't look me in the eye
could it be that her hurt cuts deep down inside?

I know there are countless nights where her pillows were soaked from the rivers in her eyes
to sleep cried out
till she felt so numb
that she had to cut herself just to feel alive
from the pain she succumbed, scarred in vein, she sighed
constantly feeling drained, so her face...she hides
it's like rancid luck shattered through mirrors, what a shame
we argued every day and both prayed for her change
no sense in common but the five we exchanged
she wispily whispers wishing to herself, "metamorphize",
I'm left to question, "is it possible that you're deranged?"
closing out, she curled into a corner, arms hugging her knees rocking back and forth
cocooning herself as a caterpillar for the change she believed
so could escape the reality with butterfly wings
bursting with colorful designs
I shook my head at this delicate beauty
"Just let me bring you flowers, I know you bruise easy."
I hope you take care, but when I talk to her its as though she doesn't see me there
I know a change will come but the process ain't easy to bare

[NYCSPITZ]

Rock - butterfly wings line was dope. Other than that it was a bit bland and emo, thought you could’ve made it hit much harder if you were gonna choose a darker theme like that. Bit more nuance and character development outside of the obvious. Not my fav piece from you but I look forward to you bouncing back with a stronger verse next wk tho

Dom was a lighter take, kind of comical and creative. I liked how it broke down into intro, testimonial, then final sales pitch. Now we know you have dark humor hit pieces in your Arsenal. Dead @ Candy’s testimonial btdubs lmffagsulkmfssh

vote dom

[Frank]

Dominate

Stellar take, mate. Was quite amused by this manipulative approach. The annoying infomercial set up was spot on. The last segment had this iffy area, for me, though, that kind of killed off the characters untrustworthy trustfulness -

Give a BIG NO to the big nose that flusters and hinders you
REFUSE to put up with a bust that is miniscule
A perky pair is POSSIBLE - more than you ever knew
You CAN achieve fullness and front facing nipples too
So pick up the phone and bid that uninspired chest adieu

This was a pivotal point in the piece that called for a bit more "Persuasive Salesmanship." What I mean by that is... I just didn't feel compelled or convinced enough, to allow, The Wife to get her plastic surgery done by you. I felt like this part of your pitch just didn't quite capitalize on the creepy and snarky charm you opened up with. I think that more "negging" would've worked here. Such as, instead of referring to Big Nose as "flustering and hindering" referring to it as "Unbecoming." I loved "The Breast In You", But, could've packed more oomph by really tightening it up a bit. I also didn't like "Giant Pumpkin." Too specific a visual/description to use just for the sake of rhyming. That image kind of jarred me because the image is quite the opposite. Also, "Be Bold Be Daring" didn't really sell me. It definitely describes your creative approach to this concept, but it just didn't sound truly authentic, or in the right context. Aside from that, I liked the ending and everything else about it. I just feel that the things I mentioned held this particular verse back from being something special.


Master Rock

Vulnerable, quaint, solid characterization. I'm not familiar with your work, so, I'm not too keen on whether this narrative style is more your forte, or, if last weeks abstract take is more up your alley, for me, to really decipher or form an opinion at this particular time. I think with the right means, you probably could've really fleshed this piece out and really tugged at the heart strings more. I preferred this direction more-so, given the topic. It was simple. In the future, prioritize more time for your craft, man! I liked this

I shook my head at this delicate beauty
"Just let me bring you flowers, I know you bruise easy."

MVGT Dominate

If it weren't for the time constraints or doing just the bare minimum, who knows. At least the Championship Battle wasn't a no-show, which is really commendable.

[Objective]

Dominate: A bit too much focus on the breast stuff tbh, felt the story lost touch with any deeper meaning and got a bit immature along theway way. Your opening lines highlighted that part enough tbh. Creative with the reviews and thought "reclaim the skin of a child" was a pretty cool concept, next leveling the type of perfection people are going for and perhaps some critique around this would have put your piece to a higher standard as whole I think. As it stands now it's decent for a week 1 or week 2 submission, as a champ match piece it's among the weaker I've read.

Master Rock: Ok piece, as a champ match entry it's not even good enough to beat Dominate's concept this week. You're trying to bring some depth into it but the lack of motivation to truly flesh out a dope story is very apparent. You've written way better stuff than this. What's good is that you got more emotion and interpersonal shit in your story, had it been fleshed out a bit more and put inside a neat package with golden wrapping it could have been good enough to snatch my vote tho. Felt like you lost motivation to write your piece and didn't want to no-show, so you posted this. Sucks, with a bit more work it had potential to become something solid.

Vote: Dominate takes it in what I think is the weakest topical champ match I've read on this site (Dominate had a fleshed out story, some creative ideas and overall better work than Master Rock)

[Eviction]

@Dominate
Hahah different story indeed, sounds like a girl with very shallow values and not confortable in her own skin, maybe if it was longer you could have a twist and they botched her rhinoplasty and implants LOL, I like this nothing special but it did the job.
@Master Rock
Your piece was cool too, I dont think it had the effort that dominate showed, I do like your rhyme schemes more, I didn't feel there was too much to your story as dom was able to do in such a short linecount, I think this is where it gets interesting we all have to cut back from 60 lines and tell a compelling story in 40 or less, we can do it boys!

anyway, I think dom got this his story was more interesting and entertaining, even had some humour with the testimonials that was cool.
v/dom

[Adverse]

Dominate
This was an awesome take man, where last week you were really straightforward and didn’t give the topic a whole lot of thought, this week’s came out of the blue. Really creative take and I really loved the whole sales pitch aspect of it. I think you’ve showed your chops as far as comedy/serious tales go but they don’t really get old in my opinion. You just find new ways to bend the topic. Impressive here, and showed again why you’re the reigning champion.

Rock
Yeah this was your usual piece... really raw emotionally but lacking some of the fine tuning that it needs to contend with a piece like Dom’s. I don’t dislike your narratives or the way you write but it’s just all the same, last week showed what you’re capable of and I wish you brought more of that energy here, in my opinion Dominate won this one pretty handily

V/Dom
.