Week 1: Universe vs Objective UNIVERSE WINS

[Inno]

AOWL Season IX

@Universe vs @Objective


Verse due: Friday 13th MID Est time


Line Min: 10

max: 50


Check ins: 48 hours after thread post


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451


Topic:

[Objective]

I know this girl! Checking in!

Edit: Me and Universe agreed on 80 lines.

[Universe]

Check.

[Objective]

Destiny: Blue

Her hearts a musician starving for fame.
She's been bombarding her name to go on a mission,
cus her pupiled emerald vision told her to listen
with conditioned precision to blame.
Then spoonfed degrees that corrupted the flame.
Got guns out, but shunned doubt is blank ammunition,
a stimming tradition with no meals in the kitchen.
There's no need when you're not living for one,
while sealing the deal; knowing her niché isn't for fun;
along with squealing hints that the richest will bond.
This girl won't sell superstition in exchange
for the strange and deranged form of a world
in chains that pave way for a prison in pain,
and stories untold.
Sore, broken and cold,
yet winners applaud sinners accepting their Cain/lord
as contradictions unfold.
No yearning for change except coin-sweeping in Hell,
I place bets on her wishes... That she's meaning it well.
...
On it went with seeking a crash course in treating the rash noise defeating
a past voice that's beating that last void of a mind-
that used to find devoid reasons to season masked force
with gravy that's been aiding and shaming her lately,
to the angelic tunes of a corpse that's been abused
and ignored.
Even her soul is a fiend to being annoyed,
and clued to the truce of a muse that accused her for more.
Some say that she's due cus she used to live for the score.
Yet she wrote knowledge in code,
that's crack for her age!
No titled descriptions in vain for emotions she owed.
No maybe's, I'm saying her self got betrayed,
with reflections delayed
while connecting the nodes.
Lightness is
a fighter alone,
carving the past to righteousness
stone.
A siren honing a
marvelous tone
is requiring the fire
that's harmful to some.
...
Atmosphere: Rainy.
as the book turned and burned with doubts
and hope leaning on crazy,
another character traded!
An amateur faded
and feigning for blood.
Yet elegant,
Zany.
She nipped the seed at the bud,
a greedy purse seine.
Constrained it got learned with aim to be earned,
she covered it bravely.
A concord spiritual on board to empower the rage,
then cut beasts from the leash that was tied to her cage.
Realizing how to get the conscious contained
is concocting the sane stitches with the needle that hits
skin-deep:
it's the souls version of slitting your wrists.
Do you think it's a misdeed?
Cut the thread of dying corals,
uncover the why in morals,
see the spirit of which veins
that fuel society's hissed feats,
say hi to Ms. Laurel!
But who listens to pissed teens?
The eye of the storm isn't something you borrow,
yet to exist is.
Loving the strict needs. Mince "alas",
bow but no arrow on stripped leads
from Catholic priests to mantras of Inshallah's.
Rope in the scope to cloak any reason to vent,
then list dreams in a dying attempt to find hope in contempt.
Don't poke stress, or the morning is spent.
A reason to cope less
is no less than protests from hopeless monsters touring Crow's mess.
So she nurtued love's nest.
...
The only way this girl would fail to heal her pond lily heart
is the barred notion to not know who you really are.

[Universe]

I, Except You

*80 line max, as agreed upon.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

......

Pre-op

They say you reap what you sew when you wear your heart on your sleeve
Sharp is the needle, but that's harder to see than the scar it might leave
Death targeted me, but before I even start to reach six feet...
I'll confess I was born with heart defects - coronary artery disease
My twin and I were separated at birth, then sewn up urgently
I heard that she changed her name to "Adam" after post-op surgery
Her and me were "thoracopagus twins", a two-way frequency radio
Females with this condition prevail over males at a 3 to 1 ratio
Regaining composure I asked, "Where's Adam?" like I want some good news
A doctor mused,"Your um, 'friend' perished earlier from a puncture wound"
"You'll be going under soon... If a heart's ignored it won't restart"
"It shows you are the requested recipient, as per this organ donor card..."
It felt like my chest was blown apart; my life flashed before my eyes
I have to press rewind, because in truth, everything before Adam was a lie...

A Way Together

I'm adamant by design, living life with more questions than answers
My P.I. tracked Adam to a nearby school, I of course requested the transfer
It's odd to see him as he was... We met in geography class
He stole my heart; I found it hard to even ask for my property back
In fact I hated seeing him responding to that blonde with the rack
She's a topography map - I had to honestly ask 'what's the problem with that?'
Perhaps I'll just bump into him... that will make me an obvious catch (right?)
The blonde girl will watch closely - Adam will probably laugh
It felt like a lottery scratch, but since my health diminished weekly...
That smile was all it took to give myself to him completely
His eyes are hazel, mine are green; Strange our colors weren't the same...
Blushing burnt my face, but for what came next I only have HER to blame
Behind his fake smile was laughter, and I was panicking fast...
As he man'd up and asked the blonde out, his hand on her ass
Can't get used to that crumbling feeling... tunnels collapse and yet loom
So how can you pass and get through when the other half rejects you?
It's like playing Connect Two... He teased me knowin' I'd come
Tearing holes in my chest, I folded up tent and sewed it all shut
Watching as the couple fell in love... it put me in a hell of a rut
But I wondered, by taking two lives... could I give myself one?
.

Blood Runs Cold

Was marked to die 'til the heart arrived; gas pumps what the lungs will need
The doc administered anesthetic and said, "Count backwards from 100 please..." (99, 98, 97...)
I remembered squeezing into the blonde's house in the middle of the night
A hood kept me hidden from eyesight as I quickly tucked my knife
She didn't try to fight; I find her lost stare was always aware
Not at all fair, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off her blonde hair
THEN she got scared... Well fuck, she is dressed like a prostitute
The wall pics proved she had a black family... This bitch is adopted too??
Growing up I never got a room... It seems spillin' your blood's fitting
Now this slut's bitching cuz I made her down a bottle of pills in one sitting
I watched her little light seep away, turnin' her green eyes grey (wait...)
Then fled the scene just as her parents pulled into the driveway
Walked to Adam's place, buzzed, like an apartment with a lobby
My knife entered oddly, saw his last breath as it departed from his body
A piece of heart was probably rotting - This was cold blooded stuff
He lay on the floor bleeding, blood pouring from a hole in his gut
I loved him but... it's under construction, I'll lay the groundwork
Your basic coward, pressing on his neck as his pulse takes a downturn
Now there's nothing left; I started to remove his dark Nike sweats...
But when I pulled off his shirt I saw no scars on his flesh... (weird)
Nothing marked a change of sex... Pain is pleasure in the end
I'm in a gas-induced dream world, the strangest pressure on my chest...
I accepted you for YOU, yes, even when arteries were severed
Now you'll always be with me, Adam... cuz you're part of me... Forever.

A Change of Heart

4 Months Later...

Passed all post-op tests with flying colors, in fact I was better without flaws
I left the hospital's trap resolved that I never would get caught
A black woman's in the hall - Flash to the blonde's house... pictures on the wall...
She said, "I'm sorry for what Alyse did... It just isn't like her at all"
Then, "I'm not here to stir the pot but... I'm Alyse's foster m-mother..."
Her language stuttered, it's like a pin dropped, revealing pieces undiscovered
My equilibrium shuddered, I knew before she spoke I'd feel the blow
"Police said Alyse found you and Adam cheating... then tried to kill you both"
"I know God shows us the ways to go - suicide just isn't one"
"I'm not that religious but... damage was done using my prescription drugs"
"So if you wondered why your surgery happened, I figured I'd come confirm the fact..."
"That Alyse was your biological twin... therefore the perfect match"
Brain cells fired fast, a burning match - Guess I should've banked more
The P.I. I hired led me astray... You always get what you pay for
I stumbled toward the automated doors, running on fumes of cyanide
My twin was by my side, but it wasn't Adam... it was YOU the entire time
I should've recognized your greenish eyes, the brown roots showing faux blonde
But did you see me, Sis? Did you feel it? Did you know all along?
Did you hear the unspoken bond? Or were you hoping you're wrong?
No stopping the time bomb in our chest... Once it explodes then we're gone
We were meant to stick together, this is what you get for showing up God
That's why I wrote this... Now our heart can beat slow... to its song...

So long.

[Dank]

80 lines opening week, sheesh! Hats off to both of you for that alone. It’s far harder than it looks. Let’s get into this one!


Objective:

Her hearts a musician starving for fame.
She's been bombarding her name to go on a mission,
cus her pupiled emerald vision told her to listen
with conditioned precision to blame.
Then spoonfed degrees that corrupted the flame.
Got guns out, but shunned doubt is blank ammunition,
a stimming tradition with no meals in the kitchen.

I thought the rhyme scheme in this one, bouncing back and forth, was very well done and added another layer to your writing. It’s another marked improvement, showcasing your more recent development as you continue to push yourself and the degree of difficulty employed. You’ve continued to impress here, even though I saw you say you weren’t 100% happy with the final result (are you ever?).

I enjoyed the “code for her age” segment which is very true of women in my experience. Always an enigma.

The interesting thing around this section is how to adopt a different stance, switching from the more orthodox rhyming couplet format and to a more poetic spoken-wordesque broken down bar stylised verse. I think this was actually worked well, and was one of your stronger sections:

Lightness is
a fighter alone,
carving the past to righteousness
stone.
A siren honing a
marvelous tone
is requiring the fire
that's harmful to some.

I think the build-up around here to do with the ethereal and spiritual side to her psyche was well worked, and layered, dissecting her inner most thoughts (and indeed fears) but the line about it being the equivalent to the soul slitting it’s wrists was most poignant. The closing statement in regard to the heart not being full until you truly know who YOU are was also universally relatable, regardless of your colour, creed or religion. I think that was struck a chord too. Objective aimed for the higher hanging fruit here, for sure; not just taking the image at face value.



Universe: The section headed “Pre-op” had me thinking this was to do with a transsexual or transgendered person from the off, similar to Lucipher Howlz verse this week. It seemed too easy an oversight for you to have made early on, so I put it to the back of my mind. Glad I did. The storytelling here is key, coupled with your technical prowess and rhyme scheme to whisk the reader along with you on the journey. Thoracophagus twins isn’t a new one on me, surprisingly, as I have a medical background. The two-way radio idea is dope in that sense. I’m glad that you included more playful elements with this, to keep it entertaining, as 80 lines is a rough ride sometimes. The first segment raised more questions than answers, which was great for keeping my intrigue as to where this was going, the mention of “Your um, ‘friend’” had me questioning who it was and the closing line then around “Everything before Adam was a lie,” had me wondering if this was something to do with religion, possibly? I don’t think it was, but that’s what my initial thoughts were.

The second section starts making me thinking that was deliberate and shows your self awareness here, instantly tapping into that fact. This section was worded really well and I can appreciate the technique behind it:

It's odd to see him as he was... We met in geography class
He stole my heart; I found it hard to even ask for my property back
In fact I hated seeing him responding to that blonde with the rack
She's a topography map - I had to honestly ask 'what's the problem with that?'

Playing Connect Two was another fun idea, and a deft touch I might add.

It's like playing Connect Two... He teased me knowin' I'd come
Tearing holes in my chest, I folded up tent and sewed it all shut

I liked the tent line also, your NBL run must have influenced that punchlinesque quality it had. Well worded again here, also. There was another example I enjoyed a little later on, in the third section, this time used in the set-up of the couplet rather than the “punch” but it’s still effective:

I loved him but... it's under construction, I'll lay the groundwork

The twist at the end with regard to the biological twin was unexpected, but it ties back into the picture well with the heart transplant and your world-building around it worked very well to develop these central characters with an impetus and most importantly a conflict - conflict drives great stories - and I believe that helped you a lot here.

Universes storyline had the edge in terms of captivating the reader with varied plot devices, Chekhov’s guns and twists to it, Objective went for something with a bigger picture narrative and character development. The two were fairly evenly matched up from a technical standpoint, where I can see people being divided between the two, so this comes down to differentials for me personally and while I thought Objective did well with his central characters development - more so than his opponent actually as he could focus solely on one rather than a handful - what decided this for me was Universe’s creativity in his storytelling. The originality factor ultimately is what leads me to my conclusion here this week, and with that said - great battle gentlemen.

Vote - Universe

[Mr. J]

I don't really have the patience to write out the formulated thought process for this but I'm giving it to Objective.

Both went beyond expectations on the first week and to break down these verses brick for brick seems ridiculous in my honest opinion. If needed I'll verify my reasoning but this was close in my eyes

[Candy]

objective:
dope
dude the flow was hot super hot but tbh it was more pretty and smooth which is more my style it read fluently the rhyme structure itself was prolly the prettiest thing it was like short 10 lines folded in on itself the whole way.. story was cool mostly just descriptive but deep in its depth which dragged out a lot of emotion.. cool piece

universe:
real cool man it read a little jagged but thats yours style the more stretched out lines to fit more of the story in.. rhyme scheme cool but in your face but def there.. it really was your story that was captivating it was just the general direction of i think that really shone as a piece to make this interesting..kudos

vote = universe

for the more flushed out story gl guys

[Adverse]

Originally Posted by Mr. J

I don't really have the patience to write out the formulated thought process for this but I'm giving it to Objective.

Both went beyond expectations on the first week and to break down these verses brick for brick seems ridiculous in my honest opinion. If needed I'll verify my reasoning but this was close in my eyes

Would you break it down a little more? You don’t have to write an essay you just didn’t state why you liked the one verse over the other, just throw some better reasoning in and you’re golden

Appreciate you voting

[Mr. J]

Objective strung together a more telling story in the least amount of stitching as opposed to his opponent, it's not to negate what universe brought but once certain tones are touched upon and strung together it makes a more concrete read.

The second verse is well written but I feel there are nuances brought forth that draw me away and make me focus on other ideologies while trying to keep track of the original concept. It felt more drawn out..there were aspects from the second verse and third verse that could have been taken out and it would most likely get my vote.

But I felt Objective was more keen on the subject this time around weaving together an interesting pattern without using every amount of space given to him. Sometimes less is more and makes a read much more acceptable.

Both did quite well though but I have to give it to Objective

[Master Rock]

Objective, nice style, colorful rhyme scheme, it reads rhythmically. At first I was thinking you got this. So I went ahead and read both verses three times to remove doubt and Universe slightly edged this one out. The story read like a perplexed mystery, that had my wondering, "what in the world?", "does this even make sense?", "what wrong with this person?". It was like a twisted episode of black mirror without the tech. Madd props to both of you.

[Adverse]

This was a long read I actually dreaded it as it’s the first week of this shit and you guys throw up 160 bars for us lol smh, it was worth the read though

Objective - Thought there was some really beautiful imagery here. You used great adjectives and had wonderful descriptions your poetic language was top notch and I enjoyed seeing the scenes you conjured here but my biggest problem with your piece is it got hard to follow, I think because of the extended bar length? You had too much room to work with imo and you had to fill in some gaps and it showed in the end as you kind of veered off track and then at the very end you attempted to tie it back together it was hard to follow and I know you’ve admitted to not getting enough sleep before writing it but there are plenty of positives, I myself just like a pretty linear storyline with all the other stuff as amenities.

Universe - Feel like most of your writing takes place in the same Stephen King-esque universe, if you had a anthology show like Tales of the Crypt or Black Mirror I would most definitely watch it haha. You did your usual thing here rhyming was strong and though starting off I thought the story wasn’t going to be compelling but it really picked up after the pre-op section and etc little by little pieces fell together and the twist was executed well. I just love these tales you tell because they’re so morbid and are great character studies. I honestly think Objective had you beat at some of the finer details but your overall story was the difference maker. So I’m voting for Uni, good battle everyone

V/Universe

[ACTIVATE SELF]

Objective

Destiny: Blue

Her hearts a musician starving for fame.
She's been bombarding her name to go on a mission,
cus her pupiled emerald vision told her to listen
with conditioned precision to blame.
Then spoonfed degrees that corrupted the flame.
Got guns out, but shunned doubt is blank ammunition,
a stimming tradition with no meals in the kitchen.
There's no need when you're not living for one,
while sealing the deal; knowing her niché isn't for fun;
along with squealing hints that the richest will bond.
This girl won't sell superstition in exchange
for the strange and deranged form of a world
in chains that pave way for a prison in pain,

I have no idea what you're talking about, at least not yet. I mean, the actual aim of the narrative is kind of ambiguous at this point. Something about a girl, living in pain, or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. But maybe as I continue to read on it will all come together. On another note. One thing I love about your particular brand of writing is that it always feels like Hip-hop, which contrary to what some of the writers on these types of forums may think, is the actual root of what we do here, albeit, nowadays, a very loose interpretation of that. But the point still remains relevant, at least to me it does. I really enjoy pieces that have a natural swing and sway in terms of rhythm. And that's something this verse seems to have.

and stories untold.
Sore, broken and cold,
yet winners applaud sinners accepting their Cain/lord
as contradictions unfold.
No yearning for change except coin-sweeping in Hell,
I place bets on her wishes... That she's meaning it well.

I like how the last two line are worded. They kind of just roll of the tongue with ease. However, if I'm being absolutely honest, I still have not idea what this story is about. I mean, don't get me wrong, I, myself, love playing with the angles, and incorporating subliminal and symbolic meaning into my verses. Sometimes I intentionally go for the abstract route, instead of the linear and more obvious one. With that being said, I'm not entirely convinced that's the path you're attempting to taking here. To me it seems like you're focused on telling a more traditional type of story, but what it's actually trying to depict seems a little lost in the sauce to me. In other words, I can't make out a concrete visual of what's taking place, nor have I identified a clear plot or premise.

On it went with seeking a crash course in treating the rash noise defeating
a past voice that's beating that last void of a mind-
that used to find devoid reasons to season masked force
with gravy that's been aiding and shaming her lately,
to the angelic tunes of a corpse that's been abused
and ignored.
Even her soul is a fiend to being annoyed,
and clued to the truce of a muse that accused her for more.
Some say that she's due cus she used to live for the score.
Yet she wrote knowledge in code,
that's crack for her age!
No titled descriptions in vain for emotions she owed.
No maybe's, I'm saying her self got betrayed,
with reflections delayed
while connecting the nodes.
Lightness is
a fighter alone,
carving the past to righteousness
stone.
A siren honing a
marvelous tone
is requiring the fire
that's harmful to some.
...

Well, I do love your structure, pacing, and your poetic language, but again...some of these lines seem like you're just rhyming for the sake of rhyming. Not in an elementary way. I mean, the verbiage is very mature. But what exactly is being said or expressed here? I mean, from what I gather she's a poor girl that's been neglected by society, which is cool. But now that we've assessed that...what happens next? The story needs more meat on it's bones. As it stands, it's pretty thin.

Atmosphere: Rainy.
as the book turned and burned with doubts
and hope leaning on crazy,
another character traded!
An amateur faded
and feigning for blood.

Yet elegant,
Zany.
She nipped the seed at the bud,
a greedy purse seine.
Constrained it got learned with aim to be earned,
she covered it bravely.
A concord spiritual on board to empower the rage,
then cut beasts from the leash that was tied to her cage.
Realizing how to get the conscious contained
is concocting the sane stitches with the needle that hits
skin-deep:
it's the souls version of slitting your wrists.
Do you think it's a misdeed?
Cut the thread of dying corals,
uncover the why in morals,

The highlighted section was hot fire.

see the spirit of which veins
that fuel society's hissed feats,
say hi to Ms. Laurel!
But who listens to pissed teens?
The eye of the storm isn't something you borrow,
yet to exist is.
Loving the strict needs. Mince "alas",
bow but no arrow on stripped leads
from Catholic priests to mantras of Inshallah's.
Rope in the scope to cloak any reason to vent,
then list dreams in a dying attempt to find hope in contempt.
Don't poke stress, or the morning is spent.
A reason to cope less
is no less than protests from hopeless monsters touring Crow's mess.
So she nurtued love's nest.

The only way this girl would fail to heal her pond lily heart
is the barred notion to not know who you really are.

Yeah, so in conclusion I find myself still baffled by what I just read. And again, I know the piece I just wrote didn't follow a straight path, so to speak. The theme in and of itself was about connecting the dots to the picture, as well as the imagery that the picture inspired, at least that was the goal I was hoping to achieve. And I suppose you could easily say the same about this piece. However, I don't know, O. this piece seemed pretty light in terms of substance and plot. It was definitely a character driven piece, but even with that said, I did not walk away from this read feeling like I knew the character in any measurable or meaningful way, other than the fact that she felt shunned and suicidal.


Universe

I, Except You

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

......

Pre-op

They say you reap what you sew when you wear your heart on your sleeve
Sharp is the needle, but that's harder to see than the scar it might leave
Death targeted me, but before I even start to reach six feet...
I'll confess I was born with heart defects - coronary artery disease
My twin and I were separated at birth, then sewn up urgently
I heard that she changed her name to "Adam" after post-op surgery
Her and me were "thoracopagus twins", a two-way frequency radio
Females with this condition prevail over males at a 3 to 1 ratio
Regaining composure I asked, "Where's Adam?" like I want some good news
A doctor mused,"Your um, 'friend' perished earlier from a puncture wound"
"You'll be going under soon... If a heart's ignored it won't restart"
"It shows you are the requested recipient, as per this organ donor card..."
It felt like my chest was blown apart; my life flashed before my eyes
I have to press rewind, because in truth, everything before Adam was a lie...

I suppose the highlighted section will prove to be very revelatory by the time we reach the twist at the end. Right now I have several possible outcomes circulating in my head. But who knows how this will all turn out? In any case, I think the first stanza flowed fluidly, and the imagery was basically cinematic in description. Good stuff.

A Way Together

I'm adamant by design, living life with more questions than answers
My P.I. tracked Adam to a nearby school, I of course requested the transfer
It's odd to see him as he was... We met in geography class
He stole my heart; I found it hard to even ask for my property back
In fact I hated seeing him responding to that blonde with the rack
She's a topography map - I had to honestly ask 'what's the problem with that?'
Perhaps I'll just bump into him... that will make me an obvious catch (right?)
The blonde girl will watch closely - Adam will probably laugh
It felt like a lottery scratch, but since my health diminished weekly...
That smile was all it took to give myself to him completely
His eyes are hazel, mine are green; Strange our colors weren't the same...
Blushing burnt my face, but for what came next I only have HER to blame
Behind his fake smile was laughter, and I was panicking fast...
As he man'd up and asked the blonde out, his hand on her ass
Can't get used to that crumbling feeling... tunnels collapse and yet loom
So how can you pass and get through when the other half rejects you?
It's like playing Connect Two... He teased me knowin' I'd come
Tearing holes in my chest, I folded up tent and sewed it all shut
Watching as the couple fell in love... it put me in a hell of a rut
But I wondered, by taking two lives... could I give myself one?
.

Blood Runs Cold

Was marked to die 'til the heart arrived; gas pumps what the lungs will need
The doc administered anesthetic and said, "Count backwards from 100 please..." (99, 98, 97...)
I remembered squeezing into the blonde's house in the middle of the night
A hood kept me hidden from eyesight as I quickly tucked my knife
She didn't try to fight; I find her lost stare was always aware
Not at all fair, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off her blonde hair
THEN she got scared... Well fuck, she is dressed like a prostitute
The wall pics proved she had a black family... This bitch is adopted too??
Growing up I never got a room... It seems spillin' your blood's fitting
Now this slut's bitching cuz I made her down a bottle of pills in one sitting
I watched her little light seep away, turnin' her green eyes grey (wait...)
Then fled the scene just as her parents pulled into the driveway
Walked to Adam's place, buzzed, like an apartment with a lobby
My knife entered oddly, saw his last breath as it departed from his body
A piece of heart was probably rotting - This was cold blooded stuff
He lay on the floor bleeding, blood pouring from a hole in his gut
I loved him but... it's under construction, I'll lay the groundwork
Your basic coward, pressing on his neck as his pulse takes a downturn
Now there's nothing left; I started to remove his dark Nike sweats...
But when I pulled off his shirt I saw no scars on his flesh... (weird)
Nothing marked a change of sex... Pain is pleasure in the end
I'm in a gas-induced dream world, the strangest pressure on my chest...
I accepted you for YOU, yes, even when arteries were severed
Now you'll always be with me, Adam... cuz you're part of me... Forever.

A Change of Heart

4 Months Later...

Passed all post-op tests with flying colors, in fact I was better without flaws
I left the hospital's trap resolved that I never would get caught
A black woman's in the hall - Flash to the blonde's house... pictures on the wall...
She said, "I'm sorry for what Alyse did... It just isn't like her at all"
Then, "I'm not here to stir the pot but... I'm Alyse's foster m-mother..."
Her language stuttered, it's like a pin dropped, revealing pieces undiscovered
My equilibrium shuddered, I knew before she spoke I'd feel the blow
"Police said Alyse found you and Adam cheating... then tried to kill you both"
"I know God shows us the ways to go - suicide just isn't one"
"I'm not that religious but... damage was done using my prescription drugs"
"So if you wondered why your surgery happened, I figured I'd come confirm the fact..."
"That Alyse was your biological twin... therefore the perfect match"
Brain cells fired fast, a burning match - Guess I should've banked more
The P.I. I hired led me astray... You always get what you pay for
I stumbled toward the automated doors, running on fumes of cyanide
My twin was by my side, but it wasn't Adam... it was YOU the entire time
I should've recognized your greenish eyes, the brown roots showing faux blonde
But did you see me, Sis? Did you feel it? Did you know all along?
Did you hear the unspoken bond? Or were you hoping you're wrong?
No stopping the time bomb in our chest... Once it explodes then we're gone
We were meant to stick together, this is what you get for showing up God
That's why I wrote this... Now our heart can beat slow... to its song...

I have too many question to even type. Don't take that the wrong way, U. I'm just a natural born critic. It's hard for me to totally suspend reality. But whatever. With that said, I'll just employ the old concept that fact is stranger than fiction. Keeping that in mind, this was a damn good piece. As evident by the fact that I almost read the entire story without stopping to interject an opinion.


Vote: Universe
Contrary to how harsh my feed back may have seemed, I actually quite enjoyed your piece, O. I mean, the poetic language was pretty good, as to was the pacing and overall rhythm of your verse. As a stand alone piece, like something you'd post in the OM, I think I would have given it more favorable feedback. However, as for this battle in general, well, I think I have to give the dub to Universe. Mainly, because he's piece read like a Lifetime movie lol. It was super visual. The wording was spotless, and there was never a drop off in flow or writing. It would be a hard verse for any of us to beat. Good show, fellas. I enjoyed both verses for different reasons.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Objective- You brought an emotional and poetic take on the topic. You really gave us a sense of the characters personality and the issues she was going through in a way that carefully built up during the piece. The flow never dropped off and your rhyme scheme remained solid throughout. Good job.

Universe- Twists and turns in this lengthily narrative which held my attention from start to finish. The sense of karma coming back around in this with every chapter is a classic idea and you held it together with a great flow and well chosen vocabulary. Gotta enjoy a good horror influenced story.

Vote- Universe, I thought he took it in topic choice and flow. Great work gents.

[Hush]

That was a lot to take in


Enjoyed both

Have no critique of substance to offer but as a reader this was like a heavy dinner and now I need a nap