Dying a Death

Diablo · 10-19-2023, 04:56 AM

coloured surprised, deep breath as I took in the skies
wondering why those grey clouds hid the sun from it shining
nothing to hide here other than the fact i yearn to be free
I’ve the world at my feet, yet feel like it’s always turning on me
permanence seems so temporary once you become a rolling stone
and the come and going goes from you looking overgrown
to growing over looked. moss formed in my beard
people calling me weird yet judge me on my tawdry appearance
smiles scald through veneers. thinly veiled, cheap and exposed
my teeth may be golden but hey at least they’re my own
needlessly combing through dead skin cells as morning routine
bores me to tears, I’d rather stay in bed ignoring the screaming
caught in between them as the voices speak and walls listen
when you’re unsure if it’s your turn to respond, the talk different
its all gibberish, spoken in tongues of pure fiction
forked diction straight from the serpents mouth as it crawled hissing
we’ve all kissed a few frogs on route to finding our princess
realised my existence was futile without your time and commitment
life isn’t picture perfect for anyone, we paint in line with our interests
the style is indicative of the artist belying within it, quiet and timid
or vibrant and vivid pastoral paintings hung high in exhibits
mines an unfinished masterpiece, sold my soul for the price of admittance
buy you a ticket to the show and I’ll pull back the curtain
fully aware that you won’t like what lies under the surface
there’s ugliness lurking in the most cosmopolitan people
those watching with eagle eyes I seem to find most often deceitful
rotten with evilness within their coffin nailed tomb of a heart
lifeblood of fast food in their arteries as they’re consumed by the darkness
the tumours had started long before the diagnosis confirmed ‘em
growing in circumference, not all killers need a motive for murder
hoping to earn a reprieve from the man upstairs we never spoke to before
let’s hope he ignores opportunity knocking rather than open the door up
if nobody saw us, nothing happened. we keep quiet instead
ain’t nothing put life in perspective quite like dying a death is

Witty · 10-21-2023, 03:02 PM

I wasn't expecting this.

I liked it. I'll hit you with the slight criticism first, but don't worry, I'll finish on the positives to make you all happy and warm inside.

A number of times it felt like you had an idea which you were so determined to get across to the point I felt like I was being held down and force fed the concept. A few times the surrounding lines suffered because (from my perspective) you were so focused on a single idea. This isn't something I've ever seen you do, which is one of the reasons I said this was unexpected.

The other thing you did which I didn't expect is much more positive. I know from personal experience how easy it is to resort to the old tried and tested. You have perhaps the most recognisable style in all of topical writing, if you stuck to that, every reader will tell you you're great from now until forever. I love that you didn't. You will always have an innate ability to grab attention, I love to see you combine that with the depth and creativity you showed here. There were some truly exceptional turns of phrase in here and it was a truly enjoyable read. We're never too old to evolve my friend.

Keep that pen moving!

10-19-2023, 04:56 AM	#1
Diablo Badgerdick Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Showdown City Posts: 2,604 Battle Record: 11-2 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 22685548	Dying a Death coloured surprised, deep breath as I took in the skies wondering why those grey clouds hid the sun from it shining nothing to hide here other than the fact i yearn to be free I’ve the world at my feet, yet feel like it’s always turning on me permanence seems so temporary once you become a rolling stone and the come and going goes from you looking overgrown to growing over looked. moss formed in my beard people calling me weird yet judge me on my tawdry appearance smiles scald through veneers. thinly veiled, cheap and exposed my teeth may be golden but hey at least they’re my own needlessly combing through dead skin cells as morning routine bores me to tears, I’d rather stay in bed ignoring the screaming caught in between them as the voices speak and walls listen when you’re unsure if it’s your turn to respond, the talk different its all gibberish, spoken in tongues of pure fiction forked diction straight from the serpents mouth as it crawled hissing we’ve all kissed a few frogs on route to finding our princess realised my existence was futile without your time and commitment life isn’t picture perfect for anyone, we paint in line with our interests the style is indicative of the artist belying within it, quiet and timid or vibrant and vivid pastoral paintings hung high in exhibits mines an unfinished masterpiece, sold my soul for the price of admittance buy you a ticket to the show and I’ll pull back the curtain fully aware that you won’t like what lies under the surface there’s ugliness lurking in the most cosmopolitan people those watching with eagle eyes I seem to find most often deceitful rotten with evilness within their coffin nailed tomb of a heart lifeblood of fast food in their arteries as they’re consumed by the darkness the tumours had started long before the diagnosis confirmed ‘em growing in circumference, not all killers need a motive for murder hoping to earn a reprieve from the man upstairs we never spoke to before let’s hope he ignores opportunity knocking rather than open the door up if nobody saw us, nothing happened. we keep quiet instead ain’t nothing put life in perspective quite like dying a death is

10-21-2023, 03:02 PM	#2
Witty Lime Life Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 16,794 Battle Record: 30-41 Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded Champed - Lyric Olympics - Summer Classic Rep Power: 82986458	I wasn't expecting this. I liked it. I'll hit you with the slight criticism first, but don't worry, I'll finish on the positives to make you all happy and warm inside. A number of times it felt like you had an idea which you were so determined to get across to the point I felt like I was being held down and force fed the concept. A few times the surrounding lines suffered because (from my perspective) you were so focused on a single idea. This isn't something I've ever seen you do, which is one of the reasons I said this was unexpected. The other thing you did which I didn't expect is much more positive. I know from personal experience how easy it is to resort to the old tried and tested. You have perhaps the most recognisable style in all of topical writing, if you stuck to that, every reader will tell you you're great from now until forever. I love that you didn't. You will always have an innate ability to grab attention, I love to see you combine that with the depth and creativity you showed here. There were some truly exceptional turns of phrase in here and it was a truly enjoyable read. We're never too old to evolve my friend. Keep that pen moving! __________________ He listens to voices inside of his mind Explicit and poisonous violent crime.