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Old 08-26-2014, 12:45 AM   #1
Certain
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Default Witnessing serpents. (By Witty and Certain)

There's only darkness.
Periorbital coils terraforming my face.
The stereo's on. Cliff Burton, tearing chords on the bass.
Death metal brings life to this gloaming.
Striking a tone in my serotonin. Pulsating break beats
that we convulse to. Rain bleeds down the glass,
a mirror into your undulating nape's crease.
Eyes shut.
Aluminum taste creeps onto the tip of my tongue.
Dripping with rum, we're better off skipping the rungs
and falling flat on our faces, swollen from restlessness.
Absolved through our penitence, sorrow and reverence,
but we'll never sleep tight with tomorrow's experiment.

I've read all the text of Jesus, does God possess the thesis?
Or does one hypocritical verse mean all the rest is specious?
Insomnia releases me from the matrix
But makes me wonder out loud if the code's real
I know I can dodge the bullet
But still sweat drips from my brow to the cold steel
He has a grip on my shoulders and a knife in my back
There's no light on the path when you're fighting the past
As I'm searching through my playlist in the hope of finding a track
That will cause my mind to relax, I'm feeling frightened, abashed
Lighting this weed, no point in fighting this grief
When I'll never overcome it, I'm a slave to the lies and deceit
Strangely finding intrigue in how my mind has betrayed my soul
I don't pray for gold, I pray for just one day to escape the cold
That decays my bones, feeling much older than my age
In real life I'm quiet, I'm much bolder on the page
Crippled by the weight on my shoulders from the rage
As I beg my mind to readjust....now here goes another phase
I change addictions like underwear, addicted to nothing but addiction itself
In my youth writing was my life, I felt like diction was wealth
But how can I make people like my writing when I'm sick of myself?
So I write a few lines upon the page and then it sits on the shelf
Because I can't decide who I want to be, it's ridiculous...help!
I feel like a prisoner but the prison's in stealth
Only I know it exists, it's only me who sits in these cells
All because a bitch told me she'd be with me in sickness and health
And then taught me that people really only think of themselves
Insomnia speaks to me, he tells me she cheated me, he is my only friend
I have to stay awake, because together we will never be alone again.

Embers bleed. Coals repent. The fire speaks to lonely men.
Retired, weakened. Lies and preaching.
Wires weaken, fold and bend,
but this marionette remains high-strung and tightly wound.
I'm lost. I might be found. But it won't be by a righteous crowd.
It won't be by a burning bush. First we took the light from town,
then we walked along the path, jotting every sight and sound.
But nothing ever mattered.
Nothing but your broken promises.
You dust me off with top-button scoffs and cold-shoulder politics.
Kisses soaked in collagen. Dismissive, but I fled before it.
The sun rose. The chain bridge crossed the river to a better morning.
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:52 AM   #2
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This was dark, yet refreshing. I think the order is

Cert

Cert/witty

Witty

The the constant moodiness of this piece makes the authors harder to figure, but I really dig well written emo shit. This was good. Nice collab.
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:49 PM   #3
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awh sum!
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:55 PM   #4
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It's certain, witty, certain.

I owe you both feed.
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Old 08-26-2014, 02:09 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Eŋg View Post
It's certain, witty, certain.

I owe you both feed.
Correct.

And correct, tho I do not like ideas such as 'owing'.

It would be appreciated if you can get the time.
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:00 PM   #6
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even the title of the track sucks. who the fuck thinks of these names? do u have some journal that when u take a shit u write a bunch of irrelevant biblically lame words in and then randomly choose a page and line when it comes to naming ur stuff?

and get off gods dick dude. ain't nothin new here... just stating the obvious please don't cut me down boiz
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:43 PM   #7
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ZOOM IN ON THAT ASS



DEXLABB'S A VIRGIN
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:16 PM   #8
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Anyways.

This was real nice. Solid piece, flowed well. Great vocabulary.

There's only darkness.
Periorbital coils terraforming my face.
The stereo's on. Cliff Burton, tearing chords on the bass.

Feeling this here. Very smooth. Good structure. Solid imagery.

Death metal brings life to this gloaming.
Striking a tone in my serotonin. Pulsating break beats
that we convulse to. Rain bleeds down the glass,
a mirror into your undulating nape's crease.


Powerful stuff. Very impressive. Love the display of intellect.

Eyes shut.
Aluminum taste creeps onto the tip of my tongue.
Dripping with rum, we're better off skipping the rungs
and falling flat on our faces, swollen from restlessness.
Absolved through our penitence, sorrow and reverence,
but we'll never sleep tight with tomorrow's experiment.

I've read all the text of Jesus, does God possess the thesis?
Or does one hypocritical verse mean all the rest is specious?
Insomnia releases me from the matrix
But makes me wonder out loud if the code's real
I know I can dodge the bullet
But still sweat drips from my brow to the cold steel


LOVED this part here. Like I said, experienced alittle Deja vu. Lol

He has a grip on my shoulders and a knife in my back
There's no light on the path when you're fighting the past
As I'm searching through my playlist in the hope of finding a track
That will cause my mind to relax, I'm feeling frightened, abashed

Cool flow, great message. Good multies.

Lighting this weed, no point in fighting this grief
When I'll never overcome it, I'm a slave to the lies and deceit
Strangely finding intrigue in how my mind has betrayed my soul
I don't pray for gold, I pray for just one day to escape the cold

Pray for gold/escape cold concept was hella dope. Loved this part.

That decays my bones, feeling much older than my age
In real life I'm quiet, I'm much bolder on the page
Crippled by the weight on my shoulders from the rage
As I beg my mind to readjust....now here goes another phase
I change addictions like underwear, addicted to nothing but addiction itself
In my youth writing was my life, I felt like diction was wealth
But how can I make people like my writing when I'm sick of myself?
So I write a few lines upon the page and then it sits on the shelf


Woo... fire.

Because I can't decide who I want to be, it's ridiculous...help!
I feel like a prisoner but the prison's in stealth
Only I know it exists, it's only me who sits in these cells
All because a bitch told me she'd be with me in sickness and health
And then taught me that people really only think of themselves
Insomnia speaks to me, he tells me she cheated me, he is my only friend
I have to stay awake, because together we will never be alone again.


Good work fellas.
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Last edited by Sho Money EMG; 08-26-2014 at 07:09 PM.
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:25 PM   #9
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I feel that feed was slightly one-sided.
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:10 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by DexLabb View Post
even the title of the track sucks. who the fuck thinks of these names? do u have some journal that when u take a shit u write a bunch of irrelevant biblically lame words in and then randomly choose a page and line when it comes to naming ur stuff?

and get off gods dick dude. ain't nothin new here... just stating the obvious please don't cut me down boiz
if you knew anything about these two writers instead of just predating a loser ass comment disguised as feed like you always do, you'd know that the title was probably thought of on stop, and it has to do with both writers. Stupid fucking faggot.
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If mentioned in a discussion its who'd still use wordy lines and act all dope
Then again hes had this schtick so long he like bb da bb da bb thats all folks
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:07 AM   #11
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Quote:
I've read all the text of Jesus, does God possess the thesis?
Or does one hypocritical verse mean all the rest is specious?
Insomnia releases me from the matrix
But makes me wonder out loud if the code's real
Of course I disagree. there is also a matrix within the matrix because your insomnia is merely a lucid nightmare. nevermind.
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:22 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by The Mind Assassin View Post
Of course I disagree. there is also a matrix within the matrix because your insomnia is merely a lucid nightmare. nevermind.
I appreciate your input.

I would like to discuss this with you, I may PM you soon.
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:15 PM   #13
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I like both you guys, but I couldn't get past the second line..

Quote:
Periorbital coils terraforming my face.
That's just so self-indulgent and hackneyed that I couldn't go on.
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Old 09-02-2014, 05:05 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Certain View Post
There's only darkness.
Periorbital coils terraforming my face.
The stereo's on. Cliff Burton, tearing chords on the bass.
Death metal brings life to this gloaming.
Striking a tone in my serotonin. Pulsating break beats
that we convulse to. Rain bleeds down the glass,
a mirror into your undulating nape's crease.
Eyes shut.
Aluminum taste creeps onto the tip of my tongue.
Dripping with rum, we're better off skipping the rungs
and falling flat on our faces, swollen from restlessness.
Absolved through our penitence, sorrow and reverence,
but we'll never sleep tight with tomorrow's experiment.

I've read all the text of Jesus, does God possess the thesis?
Or does one hypocritical verse mean all the rest is specious?
Insomnia releases me from the matrix
But makes me wonder out loud if the code's real
I know I can dodge the bullet
But still sweat drips from my brow to the cold steel
He has a grip on my shoulders and a knife in my back
There's no light on the path when you're fighting the past
As I'm searching through my playlist in the hope of finding a track
That will cause my mind to relax, I'm feeling frightened, abashed
Lighting this weed, no point in fighting this grief
When I'll never overcome it, I'm a slave to the lies and deceit
Strangely finding intrigue in how my mind has betrayed my soul
I don't pray for gold, I pray for just one day to escape the cold
That decays my bones, feeling much older than my age
In real life I'm quiet, I'm much bolder on the page
Crippled by the weight on my shoulders from the rage
As I beg my mind to readjust....now here goes another phase
I change addictions like underwear, addicted to nothing but addiction itself
In my youth writing was my life, I felt like diction was wealth
But how can I make people like my writing when I'm sick of myself?
So I write a few lines upon the page and then it sits on the shelf
Because I can't decide who I want to be, it's ridiculous...help!
I feel like a prisoner but the prison's in stealth
Only I know it exists, it's only me who sits in these cells
All because a bitch told me she'd be with me in sickness and health
And then taught me that people really only think of themselves
Insomnia speaks to me, he tells me she cheated me, he is my only friend
I have to stay awake, because together we will never be alone again.

Embers bleed. Coals repent. The fire speaks to lonely men.
Retired, weakened. Lies and preaching.
Wires weaken, fold and bend,
but this marionette remains high-strung and tightly wound.
I'm lost. I might be found. But it won't be by a righteous crowd.
It won't be by a burning bush. First we took the light from town,
then we walked along the path, jotting every sight and sound.
But nothing ever mattered.
Nothing but your broken promises.
You dust me off with top-button scoffs and cold-shoulder politics.
Kisses soaked in collagen. Dismissive, but I fled before it.
The sun rose. The chain bridge crossed the river to a better morning.
as someone who rarely comes here, i dont know which writer is which. im ignoring whatever other people wrote on this........


first verse, vocabulary by line 2 has me interested, periorbital is a word you dont hear often.. nothing to say about the flow, you know its good. flow reminds me of someone i know, fuck if i know who. good syllable use its not your average 3-4 bullshit. dont know anythin about metal music but i get the verse because it can be easily transferred to a hiphop verse. fuck if i know what advice to give. it was decent, not eyecatching though, could be longer i guess, and with a little more ummph.. sounds like something that would be great in an audio/studio track.

verse 2/main

little more introspective from the off, but at the same time at minimum the first 4 or so bars, seem cliche.. maybe thats just my experience with reading text/listening to tracks.. its not on me though its preference i guess.. i've been in that frame of mind, just feel like the wording could be a little better, im sure with a little more effort you could have made it bar-for-bar better.

He has a grip on my shoulders and a knife in my back
There's no light on the path when you're fighting the past
As I'm searching through my playlist in the hope of finding a track
That will cause my mind to relax, I'm feeling frightened, abashed
Lighting this weed, no point in fighting this grief
When I'll never overcome it, I'm a slave to the lies and deceit
Strangely finding intrigue in how my mind has betrayed my soul
I don't pray for gold, I pray for just one day to escape the cold

this was so sick. you dont need advice on that. why isnt the intro like this?

thats literally the only gripe i have with half the verse.. you could have caught my interest in 2 bars rather than 6.
again though, afterwards it started to feel, lacklustre. you had me so interested then lost it. really fluid rhyme scheme and idea but i dunno, wording maybe after those bars seemed like it could have been improved.
personal preference or laziness, thats on you to decide i dunno but those bars should have carried on in that kind of fluidity with the kind of dismay/idea you were attempting to portray in the verse

3rd half verse i guess..

flow on the opening is perfect. really nice. theres a certain point where i personally would have flipped the scheme slightly but its just my style.
like the lightly wound/righteous crowd. i might have thrown the other rhyme in "lonely men" as a flipside but its clutching straws, i like the content, and the flow.. just if i heard it on a record it would sound better to me with that scheme thrown in.. i dunno bout this verse, seems kind of simple. it flows ok, sounds ok, content is ok. but it doesnt catch my interest. thats all i can say about it. something is missing, its on you to discover what that component is. dont be discouraged by this post you got the skill just need, i guess, the spark of inspiration

Last edited by Lucos; 09-02-2014 at 05:07 PM.
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Old 02-25-2016, 09:16 PM   #15
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It's certain, witty, certain.

I owe you both feed.
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Old 02-25-2016, 10:03 PM   #16
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Lmao.
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Old 02-25-2016, 11:37 PM   #17
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Aight Crushed and Feeling Perplex?
Tonight you get a Peek at the Depths,
Listen closely to what I Speaketh of Next,
I be on amazon witnessing serpents get Eaten to Death,
Beaten with Stealth slowly Killing their Health,
Mother nature about to reveal the Abominable Tapes,
Of these Honey badgers with Ominous Traits mangling these Poisonous Snakes,
With claws that rip skin and cause Tonsils to Break,
Little evidence of their prey can be found on the Fossils in Lakes,
Vicious little beast with Infallible Record of Angry Dissectors,
Have these who think they slick Dismantled in Sectors,
Feared by the Fastest of Leopards, Going straight for the face like so Hannibal Lectors,
Teeth are Razor Sharp, You can't Escape the Dark,
When their grips got you taped and all your Musscles begin to Tear Apart,
Tomorrow will be another great day if they dont get Severed by Gators Before they Enter their Layers,
For the meantime the watchers of faith in the jungle will Send them some Prayers...
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Old 02-26-2016, 12:22 AM   #18
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What the fuck are you doing, @JESODIST? You're drunk.
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Old 02-28-2016, 06:12 AM   #19
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I change addictions like underwear, addicted to nothing but addiction itself
In my youth writing was my life, I felt like diction was wealth
But how can I make people like my writing when I'm sick of myself?
So I write a few lines upon the page and then it sits on the shelf
Because I can't decide who I want to be, it's ridiculous...help!


Nice. i can probly relate, & am entertained^ lol

I feel like a prisoner but the prison's in stealth

You are better than this line though^ Witty... not a fan of prison's in stealth phrase
.
recently i had thought of a few lines in mind related to insomnia. I'm sure i'll put them on freewrite soon.
.
Nothing but your broken promises.
You dust me off with top-button scoffs and cold-shoulder politics.


good stuff.

I like the clever rhymes structure of first stanza -- i.e. break beats/ rain bleeds/ nape's crease/ taste creeps
.
and falling flat on our faces, swollen from restlessness.
Absolved through our penitence, sorrow and reverence,

^
This is cool but I.m.o. you must have a pretty good delivery to pull that off. I like these two lines better on the page than verbal... poetic those 2 lines... It is bold move to use the word restlessness so props on pushing the limits if you can do it.
Translation: I like the first stanza but not those 2 lines
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I like this piece.. I'm not usually the greatest judge of themes and content, but If I had to give you an opinion of my slight "knock" on it...I'd say it's a little difficult to find the major theme and coherence in the collaboration when stanza #2 is put between 1&3..
Maybe because Certain's is a bit deeper and metaphorical / moods, while Witty's slightly more literal and explanatory-
It's okay though, it's fun to see the mix, I just mean that the fabric in the thread does not immediately stand out, so to speak

good chit, overall good flows - per usual with u 2, despite some nitpicks from me and others

Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 02-28-2016 at 06:25 AM.
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Old 02-28-2016, 10:42 PM   #20
Eŋg
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that second line is a bit insistent, i'm not entirely sure it makes sense, either. i might need to think about it more loosely. i'm a loose thinker, though. maybe i'm just not that smart. both of your verses were pretty enjoyable, certain. 'tone in... serotonin' was clever, the images of convulsing to pulsing beats and a mirror in the neck were instances of raw imagery. you later use 'bleed' again to describe the ember, and repenting coal (an interesting prosopopoeia in itself) recalls 'absolve through our penitence' before it - i appreciate the needlework. some of the short sentences in your first verse grew into a sort-of-parataxis for the second, which i thought was the stronger of the two. the first line rattles off a pair of interesting ideas which builds 'fire speaks to lonely men' perfectly.

Retired, weakened. Lies and preaching.
Wires weaken, fold and bend,
but this marionette remains high-strung and tightly wound.
I'm lost. I might be found. But it won't be by a righteous crowd.


i'm going to throw you a bit of a backhanded compliment here and say this reminded me a bit of me. the rejection of god (or at least his guidance) is succinct in the next line and being 'dust... off with top button scoffs/kisses soaked in collagen' are two dope visuals which remind me a bit of black. both compliments, ultimately. cohesive throughout. not sure what i took from it, to be candid, but enjoyed the deft writing quite a bit.

i wasn't as mad about witty's verse. it wasn't terrible, i just feel you consistently run the risk of writing something a bit insipid, or uninspired with beaten rhyme schemes, cliched imagery compounded by the efforts of a lazy fuck. your rhyming, while competent, strikes me as very one-note here: i can hear where a line will end before it does. you might even say i predict. in a word, there's little to surprise me in the writing which is sometimes so insistently prosaic, despite the rhyme. the 'cold' is more likely to ache than 'decay' your bones and have heard as much as you can hear about weight on shoulders, you trap yourself with your scheme, as in 'prison's in stealth' which was an awkward phrase i did not favour, but also recognise it wouldn't exist if not for the way the four lines ended before it. on the plus side:

In my youth writing was my life, I felt like diction was wealth
But how can I make people like my writing when I'm sick of myself?
So I write a few lines upon the page and then it sits on the shelf
Because I can't decide who I want to be, it's ridiculous...help!


this segment was pretty good. something i could vibe with. or could have. still can, to be fair, somewhat. get inspired. paint a picture. spark a thought. all that good shit. it's not like i'm proud of everything i write, but i'm confident there's always a bit of art in it.

no idea why you'd remind of this 18 months later. lol.

Last edited by Eŋg; 02-28-2016 at 10:45 PM.
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