The Hiest

[Free]

figured i'd write something since I signed up.. heres the outcome






Angels & demons inside, fist-fights for dominance
conscience dirty not even Mr clean would try & polish it
Closet with skeletons, but my minds the lock to it
I do try my hardest to abide by the law again
but lint doesnt buy food or supply apartment rent
Kind heart, but my soul turned colder as I've gotten big
Fuck a consequence, stuck between a boulder & a monolith
got me trippin as the holster gets closer for my palm to grip
Collective thoughts, void of emotion as I contemplate
If moneys the root of evil, im ready with a garden rake
Nixon mask, shotty guage, and driver: how to rob a bank!

**Calm my nerves first with another perc thirty
Im addicted.. cant feel a thing, but them words hurt me
Atleast I can admit it, fuck it ima do it & buy a prescription**

Pull to the front, mask on, 3 deep in chevy
2 to get the job done, 1 in the car keeping it ready
We hopped out, ran up, went it, "Hands up! No talking!"
Pistol whip security at the door, tried to knock his nose off em!
"Now we dont want no hostage, so I gotta confiscate your phones."
"No compliance will equal a funeral with your coffin stayin closed."
My watch was set for 5 minutes, when it beeps the jobs done
Minute thirty up, I need the bags filled before the cops come
Shot-gun point blank right to the tellers cheek
"Dont talk" ..I aint let her speak.. "Fill this up, if you ever eat"
I handed her a bag, watchin intently for something funny
"I know you gotta button under the table, dont fuckin touch it"
*Bluccka Blluckaa* turned around & seen the gaurd get clapped
He reached for his gun and my partner started solving that
Now we gotta homicide with a robbery charge attached
I rather die than get caught & spend life behind bars for that
It was 4:10 on the watch I had so its about time to bolt
Told the bitch gimme the bag, she lucky I aint go inside the vault
Got out the door, I could hear sirens in the distance
Heard a shot, turned around seen my homie lying with his wig-split
One piglet must of made it before all of the rest did
Its fucked up but I left him, thinkin 2 is the best split
Peeled out, heard the cop still busting, he must spray & pray
Took a breath.. I thought my rib cage would break..
looked down, bloody shirt.. how the fuck I take a stray??
Adrenaline pumping, so I can take the pain...
Turned to my driver to say "Im h.." seen a gun straight away

*bang bang* point blank

he pushed the passenger out the moving car, going 88
100 racks straight cash, all his & he aint have to do anything

grimey

[Free]

feedback would be cool

[Pinot Grij]

This was actually a fun read - good story progression and nice payoff - I would just say that the rhymes seemed forced a bit at times, could use a little more polish.. the opening line was a little weak too - I wouldn't lead with a Mr. Clean line because this is my first impression of you and I thought everything after that would be cheesy - but overall this was nice - I put a lot of emphasis on storytelling and you have that ability.

[Pharaohs Army]

Entertaining heist story you've told. Love the language and phraseology which invokes shock value.
I thought it had very good rhymes and rhythm.
I will show you 2 picky exceptions of mine:

Originally Posted by Free

If moneys the root of evil, im ready with a garden rake

I can make an argument for taking the comma out here.
It's not a necessity to do so but, to me, it was the first line that tripped me up a little bit on an otherwise quality "flow".

Originally Posted by Free

he pushed the passenger out the moving car, going 88
100 racks straight cash, all his & he aint have to do anything
grimey

I think you should say "goin" rather than "going".
I say this because I think it would make it sound better. Plus in other places you did "drop g's on ing", or use slang (i.e. "fuckin'" and "ain't")...thus it wouldn't break pattern or anything.

And I don't want to fuck wit your story...this is just a suggestion...but perhaps instead of "the passenger", what if you said something shocking and graphic like "he pushed my body out the moving car"?. Lol. I think it would continue the theme of your casually worded violence. (hope i interpreted it right; as you are the passenger).

[Free]

Originally Posted by pharaohsarmy52

And I don't want to fuck wit your story...this is just a suggestion...but perhaps instead of "the passenger", what if you said something shocking and graphic like "he pushed my body out the moving car"?. Lol. I think it would continue the theme of your casually worded violence. (hope i interpreted it right; as you are the passenger).

good lookin on the feedback, I appreciate it.. but yea, the only reason I worded it as he pushed the "passenger" instead of "me" iS because after the space it was switching from the passengers perspective to the drivers

[PancakeBrah]

Heist*

[Free]

thx

[UnbornBuddha]

I like the structure. Many times I read pieces concerning such subject matter, and the architect lacks a direction of lyrical formulation.
It seemed you didn't tackle more than it could chew. It was a straightforward read, which is nice. However, the narrative was a tad uninspired. Wield your imagination, and go into the very depths of it, and use it to spice up this verse. It needs more of a tinge of the wow factor. Don't get me wrong, this was not bad by any means.
However, you can do much better if you think outside the box, so as to entice us. I only say this because this kind of stories have been done by many writers. Thus, the content is bland not to say it was basic.
I will say that your execution of it came off fairly well. The schemes made the piece flow well. Let the essence of penmanship be the very breath of respiration in this realm.
Thank you.

[Vulgar]

Solid work. I enjoy reading fast paced heist stories and you did satisfactory here. The twist was also original, the driver being the main villain of the story. This made me want to listen to 'Yall Heard of Me" by C-Murda, which is what I'm doing now.

Welcome.