Exis vs brokanhalo vs Maximus[Maximus wins]

Inno · 12-22-2018, 08:43 AM

NWL:Season I: Week IX

Verses ares due: FRIDAY(next week) at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.

TOPIC:

@Exis @brokenhal0
@Maximus

Exis · 12-22-2018, 08:46 AM

Fuck lol...check.

Broken you got this.

Exis · 12-22-2018, 09:57 AM

Ayo,

I've aged a lot since I last looked @ myself
Fine lines & wrinkles now evident because I pushed away help
I'm only 33 yet in the mirror my appearance is doubled
I believe I am nothin' now, it's more than clear I have struggled
Breakin' this glass that I'm starin' @ is sumthin' I lust
But another 7 years of bad luck will completely fuck me up son
I really wanted to change, said just reach down inside
Pull out what's pure in my soul & release everythin' I've to hide
Yet there's a lot of beasts that's confined,
I can't breathe in their presense
I really feel Ima die...
All these Monsters, Goblins, Devils, Demons & shit
Are only seen in my mind
Please tell me the meanin' of this?

brokenhal0 · 12-24-2018, 12:08 AM

Im the ed gein unseen psycho killer with a young team
Old soul spirit is unclean old man with thots tounge rings
In the mirror manifest young kings my hundreds is wrinkled
With wisdom comes age you aint even comin up equal
My words got plenty nerve botox a demiurge edgy curse
To trendy nerds your despair sickens me i battle devil trickery
Wrinkles wither a young wizardry woke to old entity
36 going on 58 when i was 23 72 couldnt set me straight
pick a date 33 ladders for your perly gates 1000 likes cause i pondered life
1 million followers for a real philosphoer my reflection is your grandfather
young old man lost my wife to time hold hands woman
what is this life of mine i dont care
stroke stares no dogs to pet cause i cant open the can
no teeth to chew no thoughts to vex i don't understand
so take a look threw the mirror illuminati will take you to panera
My skin drier then desertz in dendera death bearer old features new era
aged in my reflection somthing like ancient whiskey preserved up in the heavens

Maximus · 12-28-2018, 05:20 PM

i dread tomorrow's drought, wish i could bask in this youthful fount forever
with no bitterness from regrets, just sweetness like a flower's nectar
i don't wanna lose the elasticity of the spring in my steps
in old age there's no boost in agility, just depletion of zest
and creases on flesh, your brainstorm abates bringing your reign to an end
as you emaciate from weighty to thin, moisture escapes from your skin
its hard to recognize the face of a friend or the name of a kin
dementia robs your memory bank, it takes all your gems
and leaves you broke like your spirit with the wages of sin
vitality flees and feebleness replaces your vim
by this time you got to reach for the oasis within
this is the juxtaposition of the virile with the impotent
a junior with a senior citizen, sage with a simpleton
one is focused on the benjamins and dividends
the other has other priorities, cash is not his stimulant

i dread tomorrow's state, but alas its just fatality
when your tabula rasa will be filled beyond capacity
it's nothing but apathy to see it all.. moralities and vanities
and soon you're gonna join the growing long line of ancestry

Razah · 01-01-2019, 02:31 PM

Exis, your approach was more direct & literal. I think you probably had the most "rappable" verse. It was cool, I liked it. I think you should have gone into more detail about what said beasts, demons, etc.. ended up being. It could've felt more put together, with a few extra lines to help build a "feel" to it.

broken halo, i don't know how I feel about the way you write. It reminds me of some Wu Tang shit. Like, is it dope because it was dope, or just the way it was put together? Just the shit you rhyme & the scheme of it all is so cluttered, connected but not really connected, but it keeps pushing a story forward.

"Ill take you threw the mirror illuminati will take you to panera
My skin drier then desertz in dendera death bearer old feature new era"

That sounded dope.

Didn't get like a, "deep" topic from it, more of a, I'm the older person with more experience, hear my words, young buck, kind of conversation. It was written with unique writing, probably my fav part abt it. Good shit

Maximus, pretty straight forward verse. Wording was pretty clean overall, nothing to complain about. Wasn't a fan of the simpleton & impotent rhyme, threw the flow off for me.

"and creases on flesh, your brainstorm abates bringing your reign to an end
as you emaciate from weighty to thin, moisture escapes from your skin
its hard to recognize the face of a friend or the name of a kin
dementia robs your memory bank, it takes all your gems"

I liked that part.

I probably would have flipped this bar around.

'its hard to recognize the face of a friend or the name of a kin'

as you emaciate from weighty to thin, moisture escapes from your skin
Don't know the name of my kin, don't recognize the face of a friend
dementia robs your memory bank, it takes all your gems

I think some version of that would've meant for a smoother transition in schemes. Nahmean?

Exis, this was cool. Flow felt a little smoother than last week, easier to catch. I wish you would go a little more abstract as opposed to more direct.

Maximus, solid verse. Straight forward & clean.

brokenhalo, good verse. I liked the rhyme scheme the most. It was slick to me.

Overall, this was between Maximum & brokenhalo. Maximus attacked the topic better, but it kind of felt like, just checking off all the things to make a 'good' verse. Technically, it was on point, straight forward & consistent. Brokenhalo, although he didn't do anything great to the topic, just the wording of it, made for a unique read. I enjoyed it a little more, & that's what it really boiled down to for me. Cool verses guys

vbrokenhalo

Master Rock · 01-02-2019, 12:18 AM

Props for these 3 gents representing...this three way battle was wild. As usually I peeped everyone's verse 3 times. Exis' flow was slick as ice...however it felt short as though the thoughts were going somewhere and then it suddenly ended abruptly (which left me pondering if something was missing?). Brokenhalo's verse was hardcore hitting suckas with bricks in many parts...however some of the areas of the verse had weak points or just didn't resonate with me such as thots tongue rings with young team..Also the whole numerology thing sounded good it didn't connect with me until the 33 ladders (maybe you can explain the numbers in regards to the masonic connotations and when i was 23 72 couldn't set me straight???). Maximus, you verse hit with me the first, second and third time I read it. I feel from the eyes of the character and envision the hardship of change and the wish to be young again. Everything was solid and tied down nicely however I felt the weakest area it which you threw me off was at:
"i dread tomorrow's state, but alas its just fatality
when your tabula rasa will be filled beyond capacity"
It didn't make sense, it felt forced, it didn't go together perhaps if you would have worded it a different way.
Besides that, it still marks you in my sights for the win. however if Brokenhalo's would of had a flexed a little more muscle he would of took this one.
Vote Max.

Master Rock · 01-03-2019, 01:08 AM

Updated vote.^

asylum · 01-05-2019, 11:32 PM

damn /v maximus this time, i liked his flow in particular. also, his approach at the subject was on point. he didn't really use any filler or stray from the topic at hand.. in fact he really killed it. great work maximus, thanks for the effort.

exis your piece was tight and the opener was strong as fuck. i was really vibin with it but the last few lines didn't really fit and could have been reworked. i think you're finding a good topical voice tho.

halo- sick topical but you kinda got too wordy and didn't develop your story enough to knock max out this week. that technical axe will start knockin mfers out once you focus that energy. nice drop. i think u could benefit off some inner rhymes or even stretched slant to give your bars more resonance.

12-22-2018, 08:43 AM	#1
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	Exis vs brokanhalo vs Maximus[Maximus wins] NWL:Season I: Week IX Verses ares due: FRIDAY(next week) at 11:59 PM EST Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30 Voting on 2 battles is required. TOPIC: @Exis @brokenhal0 @Maximus Last edited by Inno; 01-10-2019 at 07:12 PM.

12-24-2018, 12:08 AM	#4
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 492 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 455117	Im the ed gein unseen psycho killer with a young team Old soul spirit is unclean old man with thots tounge rings In the mirror manifest young kings my hundreds is wrinkled With wisdom comes age you aint even comin up equal My words got plenty nerve botox a demiurge edgy curse To trendy nerds your despair sickens me i battle devil trickery Wrinkles wither a young wizardry woke to old entity 36 going on 58 when i was 23 72 couldnt set me straight pick a date 33 ladders for your perly gates 1000 likes cause i pondered life 1 million followers for a real philosphoer my reflection is your grandfather young old man lost my wife to time hold hands woman what is this life of mine i dont care stroke stares no dogs to pet cause i cant open the can no teeth to chew no thoughts to vex i don't understand so take a look threw the mirror illuminati will take you to panera My skin drier then desertz in dendera death bearer old features new era aged in my reflection somthing like ancient whiskey preserved up in the heavens Last edited by brokenhal0; 02-12-2020 at 09:10 PM.

01-02-2019, 12:18 AM	#7
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,328 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599637	Props for these 3 gents representing...this three way battle was wild. As usually I peeped everyone's verse 3 times. Exis' flow was slick as ice...however it felt short as though the thoughts were going somewhere and then it suddenly ended abruptly (which left me pondering if something was missing?). Brokenhalo's verse was hardcore hitting suckas with bricks in many parts...however some of the areas of the verse had weak points or just didn't resonate with me such as thots tongue rings with young team..Also the whole numerology thing sounded good it didn't connect with me until the 33 ladders (maybe you can explain the numbers in regards to the masonic connotations and when i was 23 72 couldn't set me straight???). Maximus, you verse hit with me the first, second and third time I read it. I feel from the eyes of the character and envision the hardship of change and the wish to be young again. Everything was solid and tied down nicely however I felt the weakest area it which you threw me off was at: "i dread tomorrow's state, but alas its just fatality when your tabula rasa will be filled beyond capacity" It didn't make sense, it felt forced, it didn't go together perhaps if you would have worded it a different way. Besides that, it still marks you in my sights for the win. however if Brokenhalo's would of had a flexed a little more muscle he would of took this one. Vote Max. __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz Last edited by Master Rock; 01-03-2019 at 01:08 AM.

01-03-2019, 01:08 AM	#8
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,328 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599637	Updated vote.^ __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

12-22-2018, 08:46 AM	#2
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,938 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Fuck lol...check. Broken you got this.

12-22-2018, 09:57 AM	#3
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,938 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Ayo, I've aged a lot since I last looked @ myself Fine lines & wrinkles now evident because I pushed away help I'm only 33 yet in the mirror my appearance is doubled I believe I am nothin' now, it's more than clear I have struggled Breakin' this glass that I'm starin' @ is sumthin' I lust But another 7 years of bad luck will completely fuck me up son I really wanted to change, said just reach down inside Pull out what's pure in my soul & release everythin' I've to hide Yet there's a lot of beasts that's confined, I can't breathe in their presense I really feel Ima die... All these Monsters, Goblins, Devils, Demons & shit Are only seen in my mind Please tell me the meanin' of this?

12-28-2018, 05:20 PM	#5
Maximus Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 923 Battle Record: 25-26 Champed - NBL Cypher Rep Power: 11169469	i dread tomorrow's drought, wish i could bask in this youthful fount forever with no bitterness from regrets, just sweetness like a flower's nectar i don't wanna lose the elasticity of the spring in my steps in old age there's no boost in agility, just depletion of zest and creases on flesh, your brainstorm abates bringing your reign to an end as you emaciate from weighty to thin, moisture escapes from your skin its hard to recognize the face of a friend or the name of a kin dementia robs your memory bank, it takes all your gems and leaves you broke like your spirit with the wages of sin vitality flees and feebleness replaces your vim by this time you got to reach for the oasis within this is the juxtaposition of the virile with the impotent a junior with a senior citizen, sage with a simpleton one is focused on the benjamins and dividends the other has other priorities, cash is not his stimulant i dread tomorrow's state, but alas its just fatality when your tabula rasa will be filled beyond capacity it's nothing but apathy to see it all.. moralities and vanities and soon you're gonna join the growing long line of ancestry

01-01-2019, 02:31 PM	#6
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328542	Exis, your approach was more direct & literal. I think you probably had the most "rappable" verse. It was cool, I liked it. I think you should have gone into more detail about what said beasts, demons, etc.. ended up being. It could've felt more put together, with a few extra lines to help build a "feel" to it. broken halo, i don't know how I feel about the way you write. It reminds me of some Wu Tang shit. Like, is it dope because it was dope, or just the way it was put together? Just the shit you rhyme & the scheme of it all is so cluttered, connected but not really connected, but it keeps pushing a story forward. "Ill take you threw the mirror illuminati will take you to panera My skin drier then desertz in dendera death bearer old feature new era" That sounded dope. Didn't get like a, "deep" topic from it, more of a, I'm the older person with more experience, hear my words, young buck, kind of conversation. It was written with unique writing, probably my fav part abt it. Good shit Maximus, pretty straight forward verse. Wording was pretty clean overall, nothing to complain about. Wasn't a fan of the simpleton & impotent rhyme, threw the flow off for me. "and creases on flesh, your brainstorm abates bringing your reign to an end as you emaciate from weighty to thin, moisture escapes from your skin its hard to recognize the face of a friend or the name of a kin dementia robs your memory bank, it takes all your gems" I liked that part. I probably would have flipped this bar around. 'its hard to recognize the face of a friend or the name of a kin' as you emaciate from weighty to thin, moisture escapes from your skin Don't know the name of my kin, don't recognize the face of a friend dementia robs your memory bank, it takes all your gems I think some version of that would've meant for a smoother transition in schemes. Nahmean? Exis, this was cool. Flow felt a little smoother than last week, easier to catch. I wish you would go a little more abstract as opposed to more direct. Maximus, solid verse. Straight forward & clean. brokenhalo, good verse. I liked the rhyme scheme the most. It was slick to me. Overall, this was between Maximum & brokenhalo. Maximus attacked the topic better, but it kind of felt like, just checking off all the things to make a 'good' verse. Technically, it was on point, straight forward & consistent. Brokenhalo, although he didn't do anything great to the topic, just the wording of it, made for a unique read. I enjoyed it a little more, & that's what it really boiled down to for me. Cool verses guys vbrokenhalo

01-05-2019, 11:32 PM	#9
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	damn /v maximus this time, i liked his flow in particular. also, his approach at the subject was on point. he didn't really use any filler or stray from the topic at hand.. in fact he really killed it. great work maximus, thanks for the effort. exis your piece was tight and the opener was strong as fuck. i was really vibin with it but the last few lines didn't really fit and could have been reworked. i think you're finding a good topical voice tho. halo- sick topical but you kinda got too wordy and didn't develop your story enough to knock max out this week. that technical axe will start knockin mfers out once you focus that energy. nice drop. i think u could benefit off some inner rhymes or even stretched slant to give your bars more resonance.