Unloved

[Saint]

rough. raw take.. will expand

The death of an unbelievably kind and sweet girl who took her life inspired this. She suffered inexplicable pain in her childhood from abuse & even made attempts since she was 12 to end her life. She was indescribably loving in her life and cared for animals even saving the sick, diseased and most would deem unloveable ones who'd get passed over. Also had bipolar. I write this teary eyed reminiscing. Sorry if it's not great it was done quick..


I heard cursing before I could walk..
swhy i'm stuttering, muddling thoughts
Is this wrong? Is something my fault?
reality comes to a halt..
kids would tell me "whered you learn how to talk'
try mouthing words in the dark
alone. hands on my lap in my place
the first contact I made was dad in my face
but wasnt to make me laugh for a taste...
the crib rattled. i shake. hes mad in this space
I feel shackled, cant handle the cage.
& years later people wondering why I'm not acting my age
picture this: terrible twos, home is abuse
was a gamble to see which parent would hold me more loose
noone to change me, nothing to view
except a crack in the wall bringing the scent of cigarette smoke in the room.
help, im choking on fumes
my life for a monitor and air circulating w/ potent perfume
by dusk it came. all i hear is drunken rage
I can't process the fear, I'm too young to pray
mom hiding in the car
that's where she goes if she feels just unsafe
suicide note in the glove, gun from the case
NO. pump the brakes
It's not worth the lack of bdays, hugs and cake
she says he's stuck in his ways..
it's a shout match, yaknow.. one of those days
washed into my memory. sunk in like stains
Now
talk about scare rooms. mom jumps afraid
The house is lit, nowhere left to go & just escape
I'm so ready to cut these plates like busted chains
to force a fucking growth spurt so I can run away
Pops i wish for death cuz you're hating me now..
I'm what grows up to be that guy who blows his brains in a crowd
on the news, jaws dropped, everyone racing around
just put my last tape out. surrounding the bits of me placed on the ground
U broken my spirit. God recalled it straight to the cloud.
Maybe then.. i can finally go out and start making you proud

RIP Brittney D Mitchell
2015

[Diablo]

I’ve got you on this. I’ll give you a thorough breakdown.

[Diablo]

The flow is solid from the off, the first three lines to me almost read like they only needed to be two lines. The first as a shorter, more concise line on its own and then the next two sort of a longer follow up line read as a run-on sentence as I read through them.

The transition then into the next multi string seemed more wrote on the fly, I would have probably used “ask me” rather than “tell me” as they were posing it as a question. It’s a minor thing, really, but it was something I noticed even on first read so I felt it worth mentioning. The difficulty I guess I had with this section was more about how it was put together, you seemed to be looking to be looking more at carrying the overarching rhyme and the content loses focus a little.

For what it’s worth I actually enjoyed the idea of “years later people wonder why I’m not acting my age,”, that was definitely the standout and I understand why you chose to try and build up to it, it just needed tuning up somewhat IMHO. I would have perhaps chose to go with “The first contact THAT I made was dad in my face,” to give it an added internal rhyme. I’m still not entirely sure on those end rhymes of “Dad in my face,” “laugh for a taste,” “mad in this space,” if I’m completely truthful as they don’t come natural enough sounding to me as I read them aloud.

I see why you did it, I just felt it could be executed better with a bit more thought behind it. “Hold me more loose,” is another example of this I think. The idea is there conceptually, but the wording could be improved. I think if you took the time to rework it slightly this would tighten it up furthermore, the overarching multi here doesn’t work for me personally but it may just be an accent thing so I won’t be overly critical of that here.

The cigarette smoke line felt a lot longer than those that preceded it, syllabically there’s a definite difference in length of that line to the rest which interrupted the implied rhythmic cadence to me at that point.

The final third is actually where I felt you were at your best, from “mom hiding in the car,” onwards it felt like a more ‘real’ take than what had gone before it. The scheme at times feels mismatched syllablically at this point, but where earlier on it kind of felt to me that you had opted for style over substance where the rhyme scheme was concerned… later on here I felt the opposite, that you perhaps let up a little on the technical merit so that the emotional content came through.

It felt far more sincere and heartfelt even (to me at least). I don’t think I got the “cut these plates like busted chains” line, it felt a little out of place to me among the scenario being depicted.

Good to see you trying something different outside of your usual comfort zone.

Keep that pen moving!

[sral]

@Saint

[Saint]

Thanks for the breakdown!
I liked the last part...probably go w that and scrap the intro parts..

Yeah, this needed to be more refined, justifiably.
The inspiration deserved it.

[Pharaohs Army]

Originally Posted by Saint

rough. raw take.. will expand

The death of an unbelievably kind and sweet girl who took her life inspired this. She suffered inexplicable pain in her childhood from abuse & even made attempts since she was 12 to end her life. She was indescribably loving in her life and cared for animals even saving the sick, diseased and most would deem unloveable ones who'd get passed over. Also had bipolar. I write this teary eyed reminiscing. Sorry if it's not great it was done quick..

Just read it again...Tbh, despite my historical tendencies I would probably "pick" at this a little less than Lars...but it's important he's here to show us what his eye/ear sees...

I heard cursing before I could walk..
swhy i'm stuttering, muddling thoughts
I like the "swhy" to help the reader. "it's" too bulky there as u know & I appreciate you help the reader out, unlike some who stick to "perfect prose" at the risk of 2manysyllables...
Is this wrong? Is something my fault?
reality comes to a halt..
Liking the 4 multi's in a row here to start out. Not overly complex, but effective.
kids would tell me "whered you learn how to talk'
try mouthing words in the dark
slant, but Ok, workable
alone. hands on my lap in my place
the first contact I made was dad in my face
but wasnt to make me laugh for a taste...
I found this just a little bit grammatically confusing
the crib rattled. i shake. hes mad in this space
I feel shackled, cant handle the cage.
& years later people wondering why I'm not acting my age
v. nice flow/ simple but good 4 syl multi
picture this: terrible twos, home is abuse
was a gamble to see which parent would hold me more loose
This is like the only thing I'm gonna truly knock, Saint. As far as if this is a roughie and u will expand/edit later... I just don't like the wording of "which parent would hold me more loose", despite the rhyme fit...Re-wording is an option, OR rewording both lines and changing rhymes... I donno...this is the only one where I feel like "bringing the Lars critique down"...change somethin' here, pls, i.m.o.
noone to change me, nothing to view
except a crack in the wall bringing the scent of cigarette smoke in the room.
help, im choking on fumes
my life for a monitor and air circulating w/ potent perfume
by dusk it came. all i hear is drunken rage
I can't process the fear, I'm too young to pray
Fucking ridiculously dope man...Really strong 6 "lines of the verse" here...sick stuff- right after I nitpicked the prior couplet. Strong..."dusk it came/ drunken rage" a really great rhyme...slanty but so much smoother than the trickier/looser one prior on lines #5&6 (which is still OK)
mom hiding in the car
that's where she goes if she feels just unsafe
suicide note in the glove, gun from the case
NO. pump the brakes
It's not worth the lack of bdays, hugs and cake
Good descriptions...I could nitpick/argue for taking out "It's" on the prev. line...altho that might require a comma after "brakes" above if u do that...just a suggestion- yours is fine like i said, but not quite as Sick as the prior 6 Lines o.t.v...hmm, maybe a hybrid " 's not" - as you've shown w/ "swhy" & "noone"? Nitty gritty..
she says he's stuck in his ways..
it's a shout match, yaknow.. one of those days
washed into my memory. sunk in like stains
Fine...pretty sick flow. I think cutting off the -ing in "shouting" and meshing yaknow is PROPER, lol. Great multi at the end & imagery...well not so much imagery, but gr8 simile/description
Now
talk about scare rooms. mom jumps afraid
The house is lit, nowhere left to go & just escape
Eh.. Okay&not bad, but not QUITE as strong/sick as my prior compliments
I'm so ready to cut these plates like busted chains
to force a fucking growth spurt so I can run away
saved/helped/recovered on this couplet - which is better than my previous nitpick
Pops i wish for death cuz you're hating me now..
I'm what grows up to be that guy who blows his brains in a crowd
Good shock content...could argue for a "who" rather than "what" but you're the righter and "what" is fine if u keep...
on the news, jaws dropped, everyone racing around
just put my last tape out. surrounding the bits of me placed on the ground
U broken my spirit. God recalled it straight to the cloud.
Maybe then.. i can finally go out and start making you proud
eh, i.m.o. "broke" works fine too...but you're a vet & it's probably broken for a reason...Nice closer...I mean, sad/tragic stuff but you know what I mean by nice. Execution.

RIP Brittney D Mitchell
2015

Shows your versatility/topical Open mic ability to go along with your battle background....
Nicely done...
2... Well more like 1.5 true "nitpick" problem areas in my opinion if you are to revisit this... the half nitpick meaning it wasn't as serious as that one line I told you to possibly re-work.

Serious stuff...glad to see you still droppin' & expandin' ur horizons.
'Til next time,
-the pharaoh

*edit:
if you did ever take my light suggestion of changing the "what" to "who", you'd of course then have to change the 2nd "who" to "that", if that makes sense. Ha, so there aren't 2-who's

[emcee squared]

up
non-pharaohs

[emcee squared]

up again