WEEK 8: Champ Match: Bodey vs Inno BODEY WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Bodey


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 16, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Inno]

in

[Bodey]

Hello. Stumped on a pic I see?

[Inno]

@Bodey topic is up

btw you gonna moon us cuz im taking that belt!

[Inno]

@Bodey ext?

[Bodey]

@Inno please I just got to where I had to move I’m exhausted from driving, is that cool

[Inno]

Originally Posted by Bodey

@Inno please I just got to where I had to move I’m exhausted from driving, is that cool

Your good I’m posting tomorrow

[Bodey]

The voices of newscasters slithered into my dreams,
with a TV’s Breaking-News banner dancing across the screen
I slid my tongue against my teeth only to feel the sandpaper
I’ve brushed obsessively for weeks and it’s still a vile flavor
I dragged myself off the bed and crawled into the kitchen
Keeping my face down toward the floor to ignore how I’d been livin

I was the product of a cookie-cutter family home,
One that comes together at the dinner table and laughs
My mother’s a nurse, my dad’s our softball coach
They’d read us stories, tuck us in, and leave the door open a crack
Bazooka Joe bubblegum with cherry slushies to even out the summer sun
An upbringing that didn’t exactly welcome the person I’d soon become
All the times my family laughed or cried, I had to fake it, keep it cordial
Because I’d always known I wasn’t like them, nowhere close to normal
Unlike other kids, I never feared the boogey man nor supernatural tales
Actually, I didn’t feel much of anything except a thirst I couldn’t pail
I’ll never forget the first time I gripped our kitten’s throat
It’s as if someone turned out the lights as she began to choke
I wasn’t happy, sad or angry; it simply scratched the itch inside
No emotion all my life, but this is what would make me feel alive

I continued to hear the newsman make unusual announcements
How we need to keep a close eye on all our furry little house pets
A man allegedly came home to a bloody lawn of mutilation
As they broadcasted the address, I realized this man was David
A handsome guy I dated, who cut off complete communication
Without an explanation. And here he is, a yuppie, sad,
on live TV because he’s only got a couple puppy pads
left of his Labrador Retriever.
For some reason, I kept the head.
David always wanted to do theater, I gave him the News instead
I kept picturing his red-splattered lawn and all the yelps the puppy cried
I’ve been taught that it’s all wrong, but somehow this feels justified…

…Yellowed eyes now blinking empty, my brain sits as a passenger
These hands are no longer mine, these veins a bruise-like lavender
The Scully & Mulder without the bogus shit
A dreamlike introduction to a haunting type of freedom
And it wasn’t til I was older that I began to notice it—
that everyone’s got a monster clawing underneath ‘em

[Inno]

Soot covers pillows every time I wake up
I tussle the sheets all night but find the bed made, what?
The nightmare of every sun down is daunting
She slides into bed gripping my sheets like a cliche haunting
No welcome needed she takes over in an instant
I toss and turn but to no use the bitch is just persistent
It’s cold down here, I can feel my soul escape with ever breath
The shadows move amongst themselves in the dark stealth
My heart melts from the fear, each pump of blood is deafening
I try to fill my lungs with air to billow out the fright but no ones listening
A sudden pain rushes through my body like claws digging in
Seeping through my skin like puss I can almost feel my blood boiling
Veins on a marathoner’ pace hoping to get through this race
Panic sets out to ruin everything as a cold sweat trickles down my face
I pull my sheets up to my nose and I break down in despair
I whisper son only god can hear me “lord please protect me I’m so scared”
As she stares at me with dead black emotionless eyes
Lunging at me she perches her self on my chest
Her glaring stare cuts deep into my soul with out so much as a protest
She tightens her grip and the cold sweats get colder
The pain becomes unbearable to the point I start to quiver
I try to fight back but I’m to weak to muster a hit
Digging her talons into my body
Spreading a black blood so thick that my veins feel heavy
But she’s a demon of choice, she’s haunted me many times
Sucking the life out of everything until death is the only prize
You know it’s funny how hopelessness can be bliss
She wants me to give in and i welcome it...
I’ve cried wolf to many times for any sheep to hear me
It’s funny, with me the last time is always the first time on repeat
As temptation washes over me healing my aches and pain
Coursing through my veins to darken that familiar stain
That hopeless bliss sets in and I drift into utopia
She’s the needle to euphoria...

... hoping this is the last time

[Universe]

Bodey - Simple approach done well but it was just that... simple. This read pretty elementary in terms of technical skill (at times) but your storytelling ability was present throughout. It was a cool take on the concept; A metaphorical approach to the monster under your bed concept. The "bed" being the barrier between our sanity and insanity - or how we present ourselves and how we really feel deep down. This was a very unique way of attacking this topic so kudos for that.

Overall though, this was missing the typical Bodey flare, I felt. I know you were moving and didnt have much time, but unfortunately it showed a little this week IMO. Some suspect word choices were littered throughout... and multi's were tough to find. There were some bright spots, dont get me wrong, just they were much rarer than what im used to getting from you. And you're the champ now, so I'm holding you to a different standard. But you definitely brought it at certain points:

"Bazooka Joe bubblegum with cherry slushies to even out the summer sun
An upbringing that didn’t exactly welcome the person I’d soon become"

Love this line. It ended a nice stanza that portrayed a normal upbringing but hinting at this incessant evil growing...

"All the times my family laughed or cried, I had to fake it, keep it cordial*
Because I’d always known I wasn’t like them, nowhere close to normal"

A little off... multi's lacking.

"Unlike other kids, I never feared the boogey man nor supernatural tales*
Actually, I didn’t feel much of anything except a thirst I couldn’t pail"

Awkward word choice yet a VERY cool metaphor... I felt this was a common theme throughout. I hated the bar at first but loved it after I absorbed it lol.

I really enjoyed your ending, Bodey. A different flow to end it all and the imagery of a lost soul giving in to its nature was very effective.

This verse would probably fall somewhere in the middle from what I've seen from you in the GWL thus far. Not your best, not your worst. It was good and I enjoyed it (even though I hated the animal violence - kill people not animals please lol... yet I get the potential serial killer intentions there)... but is a middle of the road effort enough? Let's see how this stacks up against Inno...


Inno - Inno abandons his metaphorical approach for this one and goes in straight storytelling mode - different and not what I was expecting. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing right now... I appreciate the straightforward approach to this topic, but I felt your usual style was glaringly missing - like I FELT its absence unfortunately. Some lines were overblown and read awkwardly. Your usual poetic approach and metaphor laced style would usually hide this well... but without it, your verse felt a little bare at points. Then, you would come back the very next line with a beautiful bar and it just made reading this very... jolting. I kept getting pulled one way then the other.

For example:

"It’s cold down here, I can feel my soul escape with ever breath*
The shadows move amongst themselves in the dark stealth"

That's the best example I could find... spelling error and awkward stanzas.

But...

"My heart melts from the fear, each pump of blood is deafening*
I try to fill my lungs with air to billow out the fright but no ones listening"

Much better follow up. I wish you stayed on this track. But you always bounced back and forth...

"A sudden pain rushes through my body like claws digging in*
Seeping through my skin like puss I can almost feel my blood boiling"

Not bad, but reads weird...
- upon re-read this actually reads well as a whole section, not just a single bar. I see what you did here...

"Veins on a marathoner’ pace hoping to get through this race*
Panic sets out to ruin everything as a cold sweat trickles down my face"

Vivid, descriptive... simply complex. I liked this line.

This verse was like a metronome, tick tocking one way then the next. It was inconsistent but consistent in its inconsistency lol. I came out of it wishing you brought your usual style to the table to be honest... BUT, I did appreciate you dissecting this topic through more conventional means, and I also liked how you decided to make this a reoccurring event - like a groundhog day, a "cliched haunting" that happens over and over again... and you let us in on a glimpse of one these happenings.

"I’ve cried wolf to many times for any sheep to hear me
It’s funny, with me the last time is always the first time on repeat"

Sums up your verse pretty much - a great line but technically lacking.

Overall, this was a decent battle. Some issues with each piece but I think in the end one came through with slightly more layers and depth. Both stories were good, both verses were inconsistent, with highs and lows, but both had some creativity attached like a paperclip on the edge of the paper - easy to miss but holding it all together. I liked Bodey's metaphorical approach to this topic, and I grew to like Inno's straightforward groundhog day take on it as well... but did it catch up?

Let's do the breakdown to assist my decision:

Story - Bodey (her metaphorical approach to the topic won me over in the end)
Best Lines - Inno (more impactful when they landed)
Flow - Bodey
Word Choices - Inno
Multi's - Tie (both were lacking)
Rhyme Schemes - Bodey (The final section of her verse gave her this category)
Presentation - Tie
Lasting Impression - Tie (When I think back I like them both the same - different takes but equally effective)

So I got it 3-2 Bodey with three ties. SO close.

Upon a fourth read, and respecting my breakdown categories, I have to edge it toward the verse that came off clearer and told a story that resonated with me from first read to last. To me, that's the difference here... But it was ridiculously hard to choose. I went back and forth like the metronome that you two put me through lol. How fitting.

Vote - Bodey

Thanks for the read.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Bodey- Haunting stuff. You explored the issue of mental illness/sociopathic behaviour and tied it to the picture nicely. You really did a great job of establishing your narrator in just a few key lines of dialogue:

"They’d read us stories, tuck us in, and leave the door open a crack
Bazooka Joe bubblegum with cherry slushies to even out the summer sun"

You made her seem warm and unrelatable just to change gear and paint a picture of someone who was emotionally dead with a fetish for animal torture. Your vocab choice, as ever, was great, although the rhyme scheme wavered in a few places. The closing stanza did the job of bringing this home.

"…Yellowed eyes now blinking empty, my brain sits as a passenger"

Chilling, and the final line:

"that everyone’s got a monster clawing underneath ‘em"

Was a strong note to end on. Good work champ.


Inno- great take on the topic. Heroin addiction right? You took the terror of the picture and went in an original direction. I could relate to this an a personal level (I'm a dry alcoholic) and the imagery you used to describe the mental state of the narrator was dead on (pun intended) to what withdrawal and a self-destructive desire is like:

"My heart melts from the fear, each pump of blood is deafening
I try to fill my lungs with air to billow out the fright but no ones listening"

"I pull my sheets up to my nose and I break down in despair
I whisper son only god can hear me “lord please protect me I’m so scared”"

As Universe said, syllabically some of your lines were awkward, and a few mismatched rhymes. But these are nitpicks in a haunting, original piece. Great job.


Fuck you guys for making this so hard to vote on lol.

Vote- Bodey, just, JUST, edged it. Well done.

[Adverse]

Nice battle here guys..

Boded - this was a solid verse, not your absolute best I’ve seen but I found you to take the “safer” route and didn’t get lost in a super complex narrative. This was technically sound and consistent storytelling wise throughout, I do kind of wish you dug a little deeper I liked the whole subplot of watching the news headline I just wish you expanded on it a little more. Your starting stanza and part of your second were your strongest parts of your piece.

The voices of newscasters slithered into my dreams,
with a TV’s Breaking-News banner dancing across the screen
I slid my tongue against my teeth only to feel the sandpaper
I’ve brushed obsessively for weeks and it’s still a vile flavor
I dragged myself off the bed and crawled into the kitchen
Keeping my face down toward the floor to ignore how I’d been livin

I was the product of a cookie-cutter family home,
One that comes together at the dinner table and laughs
My mother’s a nurse, my dad’s our softball coach
They’d read us stories, tuck us in, and leave the door open a crack
Bazooka Joe bubblegum with cherry slushies to even out the summer sun
An upbringing that didn’t exactly welcome the person I’d soon become

Liked the description here and just the overall scene you painted, liked the horror approach but thought your battle against me a couple weeks ago was a better showing of horror esque material. Good verse.

Inno - I agree with Universe from the jump that I would have rather seen your usual style here, I kind of appreciated the eerie, super poetic take. I also liked some of the metaphorical language here, this was particularly good.

Spreading a black blood so thick that my veins feel heavy
But she’s a demon of choice, she’s haunted me many times
Sucking the life out of everything until death is the only prize
You know it’s funny how hopelessness can be bliss
She wants me to give in and i welcome it...
I’ve cried wolf to many times for any sheep to hear me
It’s funny, with me the last time is always the first time on repeat
As temptation washes over me healing my aches and pain
Coursing through my veins to darken that familiar stain
That hopeless bliss sets in and I drift into utopia
She’s the needle to euphoria...

I liked that bit, but overall I’ve got to give this one to Bodey, it wasn’t her best body of work but she’s got this nostalgic language and resonates with her reader emotionally. Which makes her hard to beat imo.

V/Bodey

[Scar]

yo i really enjoyed the interpretation you both gave.

bodey, the whole verse was about a serial pet killer who succumbed to her uncrollable urge. I love how the ending tie to the picture and the way it summed up of the idea of the verse. how you came up with that idea from that picture, i don't know, but i thought its fucking original as well. The verse was written in very accessible language as only you can make work. Its often not decorated in layered languages, just straight up conversational tone with some well timed observational to give the verse this 3d feel. I personally think stuff like "I slid my tongue against my teeth only to feel the sandpaper" lulz. i don't know what it is, but i fuckin love stuff like that idk ha ha. The rhyming and techncial side of the verse was a little below your usual standards but its understandable because this seems like a rush verse you did up to show for the battle, which is pretty cool of you. despite that, i felt this sequence of rhyming was very cool. "Without an explanation. And here he is, a yuppie, sad,
on live TV because he’s only got a couple puppy pads
left of his Labrador Retriever.
For some reason, I kept the head.
David always wanted to do theater, I gave him the News instead" I think my only issue with this week's entry was that its lacking that bodey musing, you know? You painted the character well, but i feel its missing that personal touch that i just adore about your writing. Other than that, i enjoyed this quite a bit.

inno, i actually love the concept here. using ghosts and spirits as a metaphor for drugs. awesome. At first read i was thinking about the sleep paralysis thing where some people claim to see hags and ghosts and demons sitting on their chest lulz, in particular this section here "As she stares at me with dead black emotionless eyes
Lunging at me she perches her self on my chest". cool effect my man. i do agree with the fellas above in saying that you opted for more of a traditional story style but i do still see your writing nature creep in and made itself known throughout the piece. (you like that haunting ghost imagery? lulz). i suppose my only qualm here would be the technical side of things. i know its unusually not a priority for a lot of your verse as you rely pretty much on your poetic voice but i think against certain writers, i'd try to be a bit tighter with the flow you know? nonetheless i do feel that the flow here were a lot easier to catch than your last couple entries. and concept is still really cool to me.

this was a pretty good match to me. bodey came through with her usual style of clear concise story while inno delved a little more into the narrative side of thing that he doesn't do that often, and i commend that. Technically, i felt Bodey was of higher level, but what was lacking in this verse that is often present in her verse was that emotional connection. Inno, although behind in the technical aspect, made up for it it with a cool concept and the audacity to step out of his comfort zone. Its pretty even overall so i can't really go by anything else other than enjoyment, so with that said, salma hayek would be proud and i will have to

v/ inno. I thought the way he approach the topic was more entertaining and it connected with the picture a little better than bodey's entry.

[Vulgar]

Bodey - Cool take and cool verse. You're getting better at rhyming e.g. 'house pets' - nice rhyme there. Overall, the personal touches were nice, like the vile taste of the mouth, the poor hygiene, the example of the past encounters with kittens. The writer's voice was definitely Bodey. I got the serial killer psychology storyline and its execution was pretty fair. It's a hard genre/angle to really make convincingly unique or out-of-the-box. Some people are just genuinely crazy and like killing people/things. Good job, looks like this wasn't easy to put together.

Inno - That was an unexpected flip on the topic at the end there. I was waiting for a twist to come to bring light to the previous scene-setting language, of suffering, darkness, pain, etc. and it came in an unconventional way. Cool twist. The language of the verse got better towards the end. The beginning to middle had quite a few phrases that are used often in a lot of writing, like cold sweat, blood boiling... but interestingly you used 'claws' and Bodey's last line was about claws lol.

I thought Inno did a bit better this week. Bodey's ending was a bit less impactful than Inno's, even though her language was a bit tighter and she showed more personal touch. Inno's lunge at the end had more of a sense of closure.

Thanks for the reads.

[Pharaohs Army]

Bodey

Animal abuse

Good introduction about upbringing

Good rhyme and meter

Meat of the verse was better than the ending

Inno

Nice twist albeit cliche

She's a demon of choice
Phrase of the battle here, I just don't know if it's enough

You didn't seem to focus as much as Bodey on rhyme and meter, but it ultimately comes down to:
Which Verse Piqued My Interest As I Was Reading or Re-Reading it and that would be Bodey's this week.

Thanks to both for the read.

[dead man]

addiction vs. serial pet murderer. 2 distinct demons. not altogether an unpredictable take for either party. i guess what i'm saying is i would have been partial to a more nuanced approach for either of these in relation to the image. we've all got demons under our bed and our skin and there are lots of ways to take that. anyway

inno, your verse kinda crept up on me. your voice is... i'll say conversational when reading this. you had some really awkward kinds of devices that i wasn't really fond of.

"bitch is just persistent"

the word JUST is probably the worst word to employ in almost any hypothetical situation where you're wondering if you should or should not use it. JUST don't.

"fill my lungs with air to billow out the fright"

billow out the fright is kinda trash bro. sorry. not good.

I whisper son only god can hear me “lord please protect me I’m so scared”

actually laughed at this

but your story was graphic and told well. covered a lot of the physical sensations actually characterizing withdrawal and the shame you feel even before the deed is done. can definitely respect your pacing, it feels natural in its progression to where you're headed so that was cool. but some of the writing itself did take me out of it for a second.

bodey came with a larger scope, family dynamic, emotional void, cookie cutter life, ex bf who she had some sort of unconscious hatred for. schizo animal murderer. i liked your bazooka joe and cherry slushy line. always a fan of specificity. it makes everything stronger. apparently its why people like country music according to malcolm gladwell. but yeah. writing was like inno, conversational but had a clearer voice. it did a good job of narration. moved along well, and was easy to get into.

"a thirst I couldn’t pail"

???

not sure what this even means

regardless

voting bodey