WEEK FIFTEEN: ADVERSE (6-4) vs NIGMA (0-0) ADVERSE WINS 5-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FIFTEEN

@Nigma

Verse Due: THURSDAY AUGUST 5th @ 11:59PM

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic: (chosen by Master Rock)






GOOD LUCK

[Adverse]

Atonement

“Under blue moon, I saw you
So soon you'll take me”
- Echo and the Bunnymen

I saw you...
Through the tree breaks, draped in nightshade, loomin so secretly
Still unbeknownst to me what you are, whether human or deity
I traverse the darkened woods around me, moving so creepingly
Feeling ashamed to be in your presence, even the moon looks displeased with me
Drawn to your flowing white dress, contrasted to the black hair dripping down your back
Are you an omen? Some kind of message from the past?
A stark reminder that nothing in this world ever really lasts?
Something that explains why I’ve had this same dream a decade and a half
I’ve spent countless sleepless nights, trying to decode it
It wasn’t until yesterday I finally figured it out...this is atonement
Legs sore from all the nights running when my peace came under siege
Used to refuse to believe in karma but now she’s standing right in front of me

I dwell amongst the living where I’m considered a monster
Twisted & rotten, a sinister, despicable imposter
They undressed me in the public eye, shed of my innocent skin
Served my time but if it was up to them I’d be hung again and again
When’s it ever supposed to end? Already punished for my sins!
That’s what I intend to ask you tonight, you’re with who this all begins..

I sheepishly approach the clearing where you stand with your back turned
Halfheartedness turns my feet to stone but I’m desperate for the answers
My, how you’ve grown since the last time I beheld your precious face
The moon rays radiate your luminescent youth as you stand center stage
As soon as I go to tap your shoulder, you shudder and let out an awful cry

“Mommy why??”

Instantly I’m petrified and want to die.

“MOMMY WHY?”

The disembodied voice comes from everywhere like rain falling from the sky

“Caylee, baby I’m sorry I-“
“Sorry for what?!
Sorry for suffocating the daughter you “loved?” Sorry for being a partying slut!?
You’ve spent the last 15 years of your life watching me from the trees
And that’s all you can muster? You want pardoned of your monstrous deed

No sympathy...if “it’s okay mommy” is what you’re hoping you’d hear
Think again, I know who you are Casey, past the smoke and the mirrors
You’re a flesh covered demon! A heathen! Fucking bipedal snake!”
.....The still girl finally turns revealing her featureless face

“I waited fifteen years for you in this dreamscape, my own forged torturous cell
But it’s all worth it since I’m the one who gets to escort you to hell!”

*With a single touch from her I start to burn internally until the flames consume me*

She looks down at the pile of ash remarking “sorry mother, but this is the way it had to be
Sometimes it takes more than blood to pay for atonement, rot in pieces, Casey Anthony”

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kill...Caylee_Anthony

[Nigma]

Eden's Lawn (As Seen at Dawn)

the
snake
inside
says
take
a
bite

midnight chimes, single light survives the darks tailing
distant cries, a mimic lives within my heart... failing
it's inside me... limitless exist.. if i.. ate.. three....?
one a day, they'll come to say, a gift from the great tree
but i've tried to seek some space, not chase the infinite
embark to safety, madness beckons, recompense, sent a stark craving
arms sag. this insistent darkness is some hard training
breaking down in large ways, aching in an arched craze
pestilent to posture, standing strong but with my charge fading
tell the cravings no offence like describing the Ark's railings,
but then...
-scarf-
...ate it
simple minds improve, and even ghastly thoughts will pass and quit
the moon, it's bluish hue, it's sadness soothing as a phantoms kiss
nutrients of fruit, i torch forbidden trees like candle wicks
intelligence of serpents that'll match the wits of basilisks
but wisdom is a burden. as you grow in life, it's true graffiti
can't catch the fists of pacifists, a massacring brute will beat me
true, all these advantages seemed stupid, now the truth, im seeing
brain is boosted, now it's breathing from illumined regions, doom is speaking
feeling sadness all around me, even melancholy gloom is beaming
i know there's many answers of why life exists, like who's the genie?
but perhaps the human species is the universes kundalini.... hmm
misery loves company, i'm happy there's this view to greet me

[Universe]

Adverse:

I'm just going to use my Men In Black gizmo here and try to forget about the fact that I already know this is about Casey Anthony.... Fuck. Didn't work. Oh, because it's plastic, nvm. Who knows, maybe it will work out for the better that I know from the beginning... Let's find out.

So you set this up so masterfully that, again I HATE that you spoiled it. I'm at the Mommy Why? part and the 'partying slut' which would've tipped me off but also would've been quite the revelation I think. I did appreciate the set ups while reading but if I didn't know, I would've went back and read it again and that always gets a writer major points... Still, this is a more focused effort than I'm used to seeing from you; the flow was mostly on point, few long bars aside, and it was technically solid enough, plus you had control over your narrative the entire way, which was great to see and experience.

Just a really eerie, spooky vibe throughout and the end was nicely handled - Caylee's soul waiting for her mom alone in the woods and finally baiting her in under the guise of 'atonement' only to escort her to Hell was a great ending and tied up all the loose ends. I think this sort of real life incident when given a fictional ending really works well... I wonder who thought of THAT... :p

This is vintage Adverse through and through but when you add in a focused narrative from start to finish and with the usual technical blips mostly ironed out you get yourself a top tier topical piece from one of the most creative writers here.

Great work bud. Just don't short change yourself next time and turn your emotionally charged, thoughtful piece into a joke through a meme...

I'll never get over it.


Nigma:

So I haven't really read anything from you before but based on your record and Champ status I'm expecting a lot... and man, this was a LOT to untangle. First of all this was technically superb, amazing flow and wording throughout, some cool wordplay here and there as well. Always appreciated. This is the kind of writing that I have to go back every 4 bars or so and re-read just to make sure I'm grasping everything. This is both good and bad. Obviously it's impressive for the aforementioned reasons, but sometimes it can get in the way of a readers overall enjoyment if they're constantly scratching their head and trying to decode the riddle.

You're clearly intelligent, but in terms of writing, sometimes you have to come down a level or so in order to truly connect with your audience. Nobody likes feeling lost or feeling as if they're missing something they are incapable of comprehending. It's the job of the writer to make sure this doesn't occur. Remember, we are not in your head, nor do we want to be. But we DO want to be in your world... so create one for us.

For me personally, I enjoy strong narratives with consistent story beats and character development. This verse was more dead man-esque, which is great, but it's dead man-esque but even MORE vague and... obscure? My advice would be the same thing I told him: Focus a little more on plot and your style will naturally thank you for it. The imagery here was fantastic, but that imagery only ever amounted to a glimpse of something within a thick fog - It was a fleeting glimpse and then back to feeling my way through the dark labyrinth lit with torches. It was a brilliant, beautiful cave for sure in this sense... I'm just not sure that it's my cup of tea... or what I'm looking for.

The entire ending section was a phenomenal display, it really read well and asked some real questions of the reader. But it was also one big narrative "maybe"... It didn't really tie up any loose ends it just... created new ones. For me anyway.

"i know there's many answers of why life exists, like who's the genie?
but perhaps the human species is the universes kundalini.... hmm
misery loves company, i'm happy there's this view to greet me"

This sums up the verse nicely as, if you like this, you will love the rest that came before it. If you don't like this kind of topical writing, then you will be on the fence like me. The entire piece had Snake references throughout, alluding to human beings as more of a serpent, and the Kundalini line, which I believe is about femininity being located in the human spine, or something to that effect, is a nice touch. I do appreciate the subtleties of this verse, believe me... AND the complexities, and the way they intertwined... But this is a narrative maze where there is just no exit.

Look, there's no denying this is an amazing piece of writing Nigma, it just comes down, as it always does, to narrative for me and this misses that mark. I think in every other category though you pretty much nail Adverse to the wall and bludgeon him so the question becomes... What matters more? A strong story-driven narrative with good enough technical skills on display, or a technical marvel with no real cohesive story?

It's a tough one. And I know this battle will be vote for vote all the way through but for me...

I CAN'T GET OVER THE FACT ADVERSE SPOILED HIS OWN ENDING. I just can't. I loved it, Addy... but you literally removed an entire chunk of the emotion masterfully constructed behind your narrative with a meme and to me, it cost you here. In a battle like this, that's so close, that revelation would've put it over the top. But in diluting your own narrative you left the door open here... and Nigma is a beast you do NOT want to let in...

Great battle guys. But with a heavy heart, and much hesitancy...

Vote: Nigma

[dead man]

adverse, lmao. i had an aha moment when i realized you were writing AS casey anthony. this is the kind of verse you really have to read 3-4x to catch all the little things. awesome.

its kind of weird that she doesnt actually seem to... feel bad? i am assuming thats either a deliberate choice, rather than ineffective emotive writing. but you did posit it almost as something she EXPECTED which i dug a lot. loved this take on the topic.

thanks

EEE nigma -

ok. so.

it's inside me... limitless exist.. if i.. ate.. three....?
one a day, they'll come to say, a gift from the great tree

bolded really threw me off this whole segment tbh. but it was clear where you were taking it, pacing and rhythm was there. some of it's content felt sort of LOST inside how you were trying to describe it.

not really vibing with some of the descriptors ie. "breaking down in large ways, aching in an arched craze, pestilent to posture"

"tell the cravings no offence like describing the Ark's railings"

noah fence okkkk

"simple minds improve, and even ghastly thoughts will pass and quit
the moon, it's bluish hue, it's sadness soothing as a phantoms kiss
nutrients of fruit, i torch forbidden trees like candle wicks
intelligence of serpents that'll match the wits of basilisks"

fav portion

no wait, human species / universe's kundalini is SICK

so, you sort of gave yourself not too much to work with here in terms of a direction to move. eve want apple -> consequence

there was a lot to do starting OFF with this premise but i think you boxed it a bit and sort of just flexed ABILITY and descriptors over forward movement from top to bottom.

it had some great writing, stale content

adverse had a better balance of both

v adverse

[Master Rock]

This was an impressive battle on both ends. I never read any of nigmas verses and this was a serious treat. I went through both of these guys versus a couple of times. And they're both immaculate. Vocab, metaphors, visuals, etc. They both brought it. But however I am going towards adverse because of the raw emotional and communication between the characters. It was a heartening story which places the reader in the mind of the antagonist. Honestly this battle can go either way. This is just the verse that spoke to me more. Will you call it a tie but if I had to make a choice based off of my preference it would be adverse.

[Rawn MD]

Hmm interesting

Adverse - I appreciate what you did here, and this sounds kind of funny coming from me, but some of your imagery in the beginning almost seems a little overboard, like not really forced, but redundant in a way… like you could have used those lines to say something else with deeper content. Truth is I wasn’t really feeling the first portion of the verse, but you kind of saved it with the Karma line at the end. However, I appreciate what you were doing by painting a picture and the setting, but it just felt kind of unnatural to me. After that portion though things improved a lot. You had like two or three places where you used a slant rhyme that was kind of iffy to me, but hearing your accent I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt… but yeah once you got into an active voice I enjoyed the verse. My only comment would be I’m not a fan of long windedness and sometimes it felt that way, maybe add some more internal rhymes, or exchange them for the vocab you use, which almost seemed superfluous at times. That’s just me though. I thought this was a solid drop, and despite my previous comment, you were able to hold a solid flow throughout.

Nigma - I enjoyed your verse… the flow was strong throughout, and I liked your use of alliteration a lot within some of your lines. However, some lines just didn’t jive right to me like “can’t catch the fists of pacifists” or “wits of basilisks” like they seemed more placed just to rhyme than for actual content bc pacifists don’t pass fists, and basilisk aren’t known for being smart, fast yes, but not smart… and even biblically speaking more insidious than knowledgable… bc the serpent egged Eve to eat, but it’s not known if the serpent ever did… idk… I hope you see what I am saying, or I maybe misinterpreting…idk. Also, the “infinite” end rhyme threw me, I wasn’t sure if u meant to write infinity, but then that kind of didn’t make sense, or it was meant to rhyme with the Internals of “a gift/recompense,” but that ind of wasn’t placed correctly to emphasize it, so it kind of through me for a loop there. But you ended strong AF

In total I think nigma prolly had the stronger flow and scheme, but adverse did more with the topic, came from a much more original direction, and his content was overall stronger. If Nigma did more with his direction, and used his metas better imo he could’ve taken this. In fact, my original reading I had Nigma taking this, but upon second read and more in-depth interpretation I have to give it to Adverse.

Vote - Adverse

[Sinacog]

This was a very GOOD BATTLE..

I really enjoyed your story ADVERSE -- it was really good -- NIICE ONE..

ENIGMA -- this was Nice -- GOOD WORK..

I enjoyed both pieces..

V/ NIGMA

[Mike Wrecka]

Cool battle. So did you guys mutually agree to old school center your verses and use bold and italics ? Really visually gave off a early 2000s vibe here.

Adverse- you’ve gotten noticeably better as the season has progressed. I feel like we are watching the evolution of a writer right before our eyes. He’s the young buck that’s been reading all of us old timers verses all season long and learning from each of us. I know you’ve been in previous seasons but I doubt they had the heavy hitters you are being exposed to now. There’s a transfer of knowledge happening here and it’s awesome. Through hard work you have graduated from apprentice to full fledged technician in one of the least useful endeavors one can undertake. Congrats. Anyway

The verse was great. Really liked it. A minor hiccup here and there but they were minor. You’re big mistake as we all know was ruining your big reveal with a meme. Took away all the impact and took a great verse and made it a very good verse. Still good work.


Nigma- you displayed what a lot of us put forth when first returning from a prolonged hiatus. Good flow and mechanics. A technically sound verse with some nice imagery and flowery words that ultimately doesn’t lead anywhere. It was the same for me this season six verses ago. Tell a narrative that’s what I want to read. And it’s ultimately harder to write. Making pretty words rhyme is easy mode. You have some rust to knock off as we all did/do

Good battle. Nice read. Enjoyed both.

Vote - Adverse

[brokenhal0]

adverse had the better story nigma showed better lyricsm in his flow and worplay not to say adverse didnt show very high lyrical skill but nigma was a bit..lighter..adverse heavy dark scary ...adverse brings his cadence and emotion in his imagery where nigma created more feeling and atmosphere i enjoyed reading nigmas verse more as it was very allegorical and dark i could feel the moon light good shit good imagery ,,,where as adverse also took it to a dark place with a cringe topic with what was a more concise developed perspective of a killer neither competitors are losers in this battle its what one expects from the topic at hand if nigma did a bit more reality building i would have gave the W ..but for now ... MVGT Adverse