03-02-2021, 01:22 AM | #1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,744
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446143 |
PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE: #6 BROKENHAL0 vs #11 CANDY HAL0 ADVANCES
AOWL Season IX PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE
Verse Due: SUNDAY MARCH 7th @ 11:59 PM EST Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b] Topic: GOOD LUCK |
03-02-2021, 01:55 AM | #2 |
Sell Her
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 991
Battle Record: 1-3
Rep Power: 5082453 |
__________________
curious más curioso y más curioso
Last edited by Candy; 03-06-2021 at 07:11 AM. |
03-04-2021, 10:52 PM | #3 |
Sell Her
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 991
Battle Record: 1-3
Rep Power: 5082453 |
VIBE
.. The subtle white stained yellow teeth grit With cuddled sighs sprayed follow me bitch Bubbled but not notched too tight for wear Dress drowning in puddles waving share From lair to liar and sounds of fire Hired for hooker bound to tired Pair of ancient character antics Panting fair maiden i'm pedantic Yet flair with no less then yes rape me From the shape of sanity shaved safely I am who I am in crowd free Still with the breeze of sexual being I'm nor broke though wrenched wretched when bent I reject period unless in sex A seemly silly silhouette wet Starring down stars stepping up stairs left These worlds my stage, the streets my pig pen My souls the ink that tick tocks like big ben Let me ascend from a dream of once And die in a nightmare not touched The End ..
__________________
curious más curioso y más curioso
|
03-05-2021, 05:28 AM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 494
Battle Record: 12-12=4
Champed - AOWL Season IX
Rep Power: 455117 |
''Missed Signals"
The guilt is what killed the hope the illusion of fear trapped in another pulse we been adults the difference is I feel more cause I did the most she says by causing pain I kept her close and it's all in vein yea it's all a shame let's test the dose Sometimes I look into her eyes, And then I wonder what she would think about my lies scrutiny that is shy , curved hips she can't disguise maybe it's just my inner child , buried within a fire the signal became a sigil of desire, making life worthwhile Why is it so hard for her to decide who she loves more Dancing half naked on the pub floor , or shoplifting at the drug store she loathes abasement , only if I known who to love more Another spawn who's birth is a after thought homeless youth drinking a milk shake float vanilla based and flavorless in city streets the wind lifts her skirt cat called by day laborers she heard it all pussy is a magic 8 ball, takin' notes on how to win, she ascended to a newer friend , and your chances of predictive text got ruined again, by a hooligan hoola hooping your heart her sleeves where turned up from the start , I wear mine on the collar That scary love, never get married love , so many live in a happy front it made me think to those days in tunisa , where I met a sufi seamstress her magnetic frequency began diluting my genius fooled me into losing my features , mandrake roots used intravenous bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york shes choosing between us , are you a leader or just a lab rat I turn that vibe into the abstract , you can have that how did a simple date , turned my place into a hazmat called her back and said honey 'I ain't clearly retarded' she hung up with a flash I guess that how we dearly departed ...(smiles) Last edited by brokenhal0; 03-05-2021 at 05:34 AM. |
03-05-2021, 06:28 PM | #5 | ||||||||||
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 732
Battle Record: 2-1
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 19584275 |
Candy
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Brokenhal0 Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
VOTE So one of the things I found most interesting about this battle is the fact that both of you are typically known for having an abstract or avant garde style of writing, as opposed to a traditional or straightforward approach to storytelling. However, in this battle I can see where you each honed in on the latter approach. Pretty cool to observe. Anyway, I'm going to cast my vote to BH0. I like how he littered his verse with poetic snap shots that offered insight and tiny backstories all on their own. Plus, his wording was clear and his technique was on point. Candy's you're a gem and consistent participant, but you need to tighten up on the clarity and progression of your storytelling.
__________________
Quote:
|
||||||||||
03-09-2021, 02:08 PM | #6 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,744
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446143 |
Candy:
I think if you sat down and focused from start to finish you could write a compelling narrative with a great storyline and awesome characters. I think you’re too keen on writing things “your way” which there is nothing wrong with, but I don’t think it translates over well to a competitive platform. It’s all just free thoughts, keyed up and with no real sense of direction. I like your vocab and sometimes the imagery is nice but there’s just no real purpose to it it’s just words spewed everywhere . Hopefully that makes sense. I’m not trying to be harsh, just realistic Hal0: I think you’re a good model for what Candy should do. Your styles used to be very similar. Now look at you, there was some great writing here, the imagery you invoke is dope (I’ll display it in a future quote) but the progression of your writing is great this season and if there’s nothing else I’m impressed by this season it’s that at least. Loved the poetic language and just the overall tale you told. That scary love, never get married love , so many live in a happy front it made me think to those days in tunisa , where I met a sufi seamstress her magnetic frequency began diluting my genius fooled me into losing my features , mandrake roots used intravenous bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york shes choosing between us , are you a leader or just a lab rat I turn that vibe into the abstract , you can have that how did a simple date , turned my place into a hazmat Everything from Sufi seamstress onward was amazing to me very strong writing. Great job man. Rolling with Hal0 here, a lot more solid throughout V/Hal0 |
03-09-2021, 03:55 PM | #7 |
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 697
Battle Record: 19-10
Champed - BA Show And Prove
- Summer Classic XI
Rep Power: 4156644 |
I thought I preferred candy but halo’s second half swung it for me
Vote - hal0
__________________
|
03-09-2021, 04:04 PM | #8 |
Sell Her
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 991
Battle Record: 1-3
Rep Power: 5082453 |
thanks for the votes guys xoxo
__________________
curious más curioso y más curioso
|
03-09-2021, 04:57 PM | #9 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 546
Battle Record: 5-7
Rep Power: 8664751 |
Candy - first line was dope, could have swung this hard if this kinda almost staccato flow kept going (does that make sense? it makes sense to me.) it starts to go downhill fast in terms of coherence, and loses touch with the topic imo. flow falls off.
broken - cool piece. not super strong particular, I liked "Dancing half naked on the pub floor, or shoplifting at the drug store", and I REALLY think that "bathing in a pond full of leeches , laying naked bleeding like jesus // amidst the blooming ceders , back in the streets of new york" could have been a centerpiece that developed another piece entirely. that imagery is almost overwhelming and could definitely be expanded on. mvgt brokenhal0 |
03-11-2021, 11:05 PM | #10 | ||
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 913
Battle Record: 14-24
Rep Power: 32898723 |
Quote:
Quote:
Vote: brokenhalo Candy is a solid writer. They both have great rhymes, but I might even give the edge there to Candy (tho you're both doing different things technically so not a 100% fair comparison). But in most other categories: topic, vocab, story, depth I think halo is in the lead for this one. Candy I think you would have had a chance to win if you came at the topic a little more directly and got closer to halo in line count.
__________________
Last edited by fraze; 03-11-2021 at 11:08 PM. |
||
|
|