05-12-2020, 12:39 PM | #1 |
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WEEK 8: Ender vs Johnny 6 feet 6ft WINS
GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Ender @Johny 6 feet Max line: 30 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post Due date: May 16, 2020 11:59 EST TIME GOODLUCK! Last edited by Inno; 05-20-2020 at 08:05 AM. |
05-12-2020, 12:52 PM | #2 |
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Checking in like it's free real estate.
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05-14-2020, 04:37 AM | #3 |
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Check.
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05-14-2020, 09:39 AM | #4 |
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Snuff Film
Growing up he was the boy the kids called a pervert Leering letch who'd stretch his arm to flip up the girl's skirts He'd spy through knotholes so he could watch them undress His personal pot of gold to relieve all his stress "Take your hand out your pants, Jason!" Embarrassment was a car crash It never stopped him as a teen from snapping bra straps The principle expelled him; it didn't do the bastard good The obsession had taken root when he grew to adulthood Still a slob, he got a job in the triple X store Employee discount amounts to a smorgasbord of whores Silver screens got crusty sheens, that was his nightly ritual Saliva stains on the carpet, the sight was pitiful In his fevered brain, a thirst that couldn't be quenched BDSM was tame, lame! He had a darker intent He'd made contacts in the underworld, hundreds it seems The kind of men who peddle slapping around runaway teens Snuff films of every flavour, torture fantasies A wonderland of whips and scratches, gashes... "Damn, do they bleed!" Their tears were a treasure, he pressed hand to the glass Their fear he couldn't measure, that's when his sanity snapped Caught in vanity's trap, lustful, worse than delirious He told his smut dealer: "I want first hand experience!" The trade was made, the addiction he planted grew fruit In the form of Peaches; an ex-vagrant who'd done some nude shoots The orchard was a motel, he'd wrote the script in one sitting And as he strode in with his knife... "Oh shit! You're kidding!" Three cops and a suited guy faced the pleading filth A stack of his correspondence, texts, receipts, screaming guilt The man stepped forward and, after a beat, pulled out a chair And said: "Hi, I'm Chris Hansen. Take a seat over there." |
05-18-2020, 05:17 AM | #6 |
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I went way over the line limit, but I don't want to cut any of it. If that means I get DQ'd I understand.
The Monster It took me a while to realise that my son was evil Behind a cute ten year-old smile was a human weevil He was an unnatural infection that spread across my life I even realised he was responsible for the death of my wife She died 6 months before I spotted the truth And decided I'd remove him like a rotten tooth I often caught him looking at me with death in his eyes Well just you wait son you're going to get a surprise! The day I picked for the deed was Halloween I figured on that day nobody would pay heed to a scream So I spent three months pretending that I didn't know Played games with the monster, grabbed a ball to throw Tucked it in bed at night and read it a story While planning for the beast a death most gory It would look up at me and try to play the innocent lad And say "Why do you look so sad, you know I love you Dad?" And it would kiss me, it's breath stinking of putrid meat I'd sing the song his Mum used to sing, to lull him to sleep I miss her so much, I think she was my heart And now that she has died, I live in the dark And in that endless night, I saw my son Saw it for the monster it was from day one Watching TV in the middle of the woods at night Wait, that was a nightmare, no, it was real, right? It brings home pictures to stick on the fridge with pride Mostly of father and son, standing together side by side Sometimes they're of its friend Sid, from school It always goes on about that kid, says he is cool Sometime when it is sitting or when it opens its mouth The disguise fails, and the monster pokes its head out Sometimes I can't hold back and I give it a punch or two When the evil gets too much there's nothing I can do It goes to school and says that it fell down the stairs It tells them not to worry, Dad is doing running repairs One day I was called to school, it had been in a fight When we got home I beat it until it nearly lost his sight The thought of it hurting children gave me a hell of a fright Luckily it was only a day until Halloween night It claims it was defending its friend, that boy Sid But I knew that was only an excuse for what it did I sent it to bed, and told it that it was a bad child That I could never really love it, that it was defiled Even though it is evil, I get lonely when the day is done So I crept into the monster’s bed, and tried to love my son Even so, I had felt the evil building in the house And I hoped when the monster was dead, it would go out It was Halloween the next day, I waited for the afternoon Then told the little monster to change into its costume It went into its room and I walked to the kitchen drawer I pulled out a butcher's knife, and steeled myself the gore When suddenly someone opened my locked front door It was my son's friend Sid who I mentioned before He saw the knife in my hand as he walked into the flat He gestured towards it, "What are you planning to do with that?" I felt compelled to tell the truth, so I said to Sid "My son is literally a monster as much as he might look like a kid The evil tumour in this house must be removed from the core" He smiled a terrible smile and said "I couldn't agree more But I must tell you of your mistake, and it is a big one You see there are two monsters in this house, and neither is your son" Before me Sid started to warp and change And his entire body seemed to melt and rearrange He became something terrible with sharp teeth and claws It was both hairy and scaly and covered in suppurated sores I was as numb with sheer terror as any person could be And the last thing I could remember, was the monster coming for me Zack walked back into the room, but didn't see his Dad All he saw was his friend Sid who was holding out his hand "Come on Zack, let's trick and treat, and have some fun" Zack said "What about Dad", And Sid said "He's not going to come." |
05-18-2020, 09:27 AM | #7 |
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@Ender that's a decision for the mods to make. What's grating on my nerves is that you didn't bother to contact me to ask.
Open for votes in the meantime. Let's see them. |
05-18-2020, 11:00 AM | #8 |
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I don't know if my votes are valid here but either way, consider this an opinion on your efforts. I went by 'Mahtama' 15-20 years ago and wrote a lot of topical material since then so I'm pretty familiar. As far as exceeding the line count, that is quite a big verse you have there Ender, nevertheless..
Johnny 6 feet - I liked to the concept and the development of the narrative, however, the rhymes felt forced and pace/rhythm of the bars somewhat awkward. I see a lot of signs of a good grasp of story-telling and experimenting with flow/structure/cadence but things like the ''tame, lame!'' broke the fluidity without adding anything in terms of meaning. Overall the piece went okay but could be edited and improved upon with attention to some of the details mentioned. Ender - despite the huge excess of lines you didn't use them to your advantage, instead, your verse could've been written much shorter and conveyed the same message and vastly increased its potency. Your word choice was very basic and limited to a highly limited vocabulary - this cost you in terms of delivering something with its own unique flavour and is something you'll hopefully take note of going forward. Nevertheless, you did still create an ominous feeling in-lieu of better descriptors and you had some direction to the piece which maintained some interest. Still, the ending was lack-lustre and fell-flat - I was hoping for something more. So, even with Ender's lengthier verse, Johnny 6 feet took this convincingly, in my opinion. I appreciated reading this as my first since returning to such a medium and hope you both go forward writing and sharing more. All the best. |
05-18-2020, 11:38 AM | #9 |
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6feet, great submission my man. Your story tells of a warped boy who was never able to contain his demons and ultimately grew up to be on the destructive side of society. the writing was great. very colorful wording. flow was ok, i think some transition rhymes at time can make for a smoother read. i only wish there were a bit more reason to his rhyme you know? like did something happened in the past to turn him into a deviant? The twist at the end was a little cheesy lulz but you used a universally recognize program to add even more context/content to your verse. great writing my man.
Ender, I really enjoyed the story. And i do have to agree with Veangeance that it didn't need to be that long. I think it could've been condensed into a shorter entry. I think my favorite stanza was the third. It almost painted a picture of the father being the monster. as i was reading, i was thinking, was it the abuse from his dad that turned him into a monster. So in that case who's the real monster? the ending kind of ruined it lulz but i really did the enjoy the story. The writing itself was effective yet dry you know? the clairty was there but the pizzazz was lacking. this was good battle. i wasn't a fan of both endings. while i thought ender had a better story but i felt johnny had a better overall package. so with that said, V/ 6Feet |
05-18-2020, 12:09 PM | #10 |
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Johnny 6 Feet - Interesting take on the topic here. I liked the angle, as it sets up a rather out-of-left-field twist at the end that will either hit or miss, depending on who you are. I love watching the trainwreck that is To Catch A Predator so the end made me smile for sure. Although this week you weren't as technically proficient, it didnt read as well. Some awkward phrasing throughout... the way you set up your lines was probably the culprit this time. Still, this was another creative take from one of the most passionate storytellers here. A solid effort... and thank you for respecting the league and posting on time.
Ender - On the other hand... You're starting in a hole here bud. You're a day late and went over the line limit without permission. I'm docking you for that, so your verse better be perfect to have a chance... You may even be DQ'd regardless who knows. Okay, so this was pretty good. Solid flow and multi's, story was decent. You put a lot of effort into this and it showed but it's not enough to sweeten the soured taste in my mouth about your lack of effort to abide by the rules and respect your opponent. Shame, cuz this would have been a damn close battle worthy of a longer breakdown. You might've even got my vote... But, as it stands, you're not on even ground so... Vote - Johnny Depth
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05-19-2020, 02:44 PM | #11 |
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6feet- super cool quick little story here. i loved that in a lot of lines, you were SHOWING the reader what was happening, rather than plainly saying it. wrapping it up like that at the end with Chris Hansen was a fun detail to the whole thing. really liked that. as someone mentioned before, i would've liked to see more of a background to the main character and how he developed into this twisted personality, but the material still served its purpose.
ender- your story kept me intrigued man, it was really welldone. the end was kind of a letdown honestly, i wanted more but i think it's because there was more of a buildup than there was a conclusion, i guess? it gradually became obvious that the father was the twisted one. and i liked how you left things open for interpretation, like when you said he was going in his son's bedroom and attempting to love him, i wondered if that was a close reference to molestation on top of the beatings. it was also effective referring to the boy as an "it" throughout. but the ending was kind of confusing for me, the friend turning into this evil monster didn't quite fit for me. as far as the writing aspect goes, i think 6feet edged it in the descriptive aspect. i also think he illustrated the picture a little more than ender did. the only reference i really saw to the pic in ender's piece was referencing watching tv outside and whether or not that was a dream. i liked ender's piece more as a story, but i think 6feet portrayed a more finished product. v/6feet |
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